Again... so much I want to say, and so much time goes by as I struggle to get my thoughts into words that can come out of my hands.  It never seems quite right.  I start post after post and give up on myself. 

It simply comes down to this.  I AM STRUGGLING.

Lily turned 15 months old on Sunday.  I ask myself, how did that happen?  It seems like just yesterday she was a few months old, and we were struggling to even get her to drink one measly ounce out of a bottle.  Now she scoots around - still not walking but I know we will get there and I'm trying desperately to be patient and not wish her "baby" time away.  She eats lots of cheese, fruit, loves books, loves bath, and literally dances to all music she hears.  She is a toddler.  How did that happen? 

And I look at my weight this time last year, and I look at it now.  I've managed to lose 15 pounds the entire year.  UGH!  How did I let that happen?  With a 15 month old baby, I should still not be trying to lose the baby weight.  I should be at goal by now.  Somewhere around fall, I sort of stopped caring, and I've gained about 8 pounds back from where I was (which was down 20+ lbs) since then.  And you know what?  It doesn't bother me, and that scares me... A LOT!!!!!

I know I shouldn't be so harsh with myself, but I am.  You know, that is my nature.  And, yet, at the same time it is not my priority right now.  I have taken so many steps this year, to find myself again, and to love myself where I'm at, and stop defining myself and my worth by the number on a scale.  This has been hard work for me, and huge!  But at the same time the downside to this is some of that guilt, some of that definition was my motivation for losing weight, and now here I sit, less than a week before Christmas, and I will admit it is official - I have lost my motivation.  I don't have pounds to lose because I want another baby, and there's really no special events on the horizon, or clothes I want to fit into (I gave up thinking of my size 8s a long time ago).  I've really got nothing.

I've seen the insides of way too many fast food drive thrus in the past month.
I've grabbed way too many second helpings of food.
I've eaten so few fruits and veggies.
I've helped myself to snacks and candy I would have never before considered worth eating.
I've done nothing in the form of exercise except maybe haul in groceries from my car, or carry around Lily.
I've made fudge and 10 different kinds of cookies, and I've eaten them.

I'm struggling, and the further I get down, the less I know of how to make it all stop.  I get into an all or nothing mode, a give up mode, and I just throw up my hands up and head to the nearest fridge, cupboard, drive thru, vending machine...

I have so many other things to think about - no that's not an excuse - I don't do excuses - it is however a reality.  Lily has at least 1-2 appointments a week, I work 40+ hours a week, and every night I have to load up a needle and stick it into my precious baby's leg.  That alone has me shoving a few extra cookies and an extra glass of wine for good measure into my gullet.

And really, I have nothing else to say.
I'm here.
I'm struggling.
I'm not sure how to move past this.
Any ideas?  Let me know.  I'm all ears.

Yes, I've disappeared, and I did want to pop by and let all of you know that I'm OK, Lily is OK.  In the last 2 months, I've simply become overcome with work, and something had to go.  I have missed writing, and so much has happened that I want to share.  I'll be done with this craziness after November and I hope to begin posting regularly again!

I do post to facebook, even when I'm not posting to the blog, so come over and like my page!

As we inch closer and closer to Thanksgiving, I wanted to share with you what my 5 year "L" did for his homework last night.  We had to talk about what it means to be thankful, and then we were supposed to decide together what our family was MOST thankful for.  A pretty big task for a 5 year old.  Anyways... I asked him what he thought our family should be most thankful for, and he came up with this completely on his own.

This boy makes my heart melt with his love and empathy for others.



Many blessing for Thanksgiving to all of you.  I pray for you that the God that has blessed my family so immensely has also blessed yours, and you take time to reflect on everything you have!

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I last wrote.  I guess I wanted to keep Lily's birthday video up as long as possible!  I hope you enjoyed it.  Her birthday party was amazing... fit for a princess with lots of friends and family to help her celebrate.  There will be pictures coming.  I promise!

Since then things have been crazy around here.  There were the 1 and 5 year old appointments to be had for both kiddos.  And we've all been sick.  Tuesday was actually the first day in a week and a half that everyone was back at daycare/school/work!

On top of it all I've been working, working, and working some more.  And so... the blog and sadly Weight Watchers in general has been a little a lot neglected.  I'm lucky that I'm holding steady, but I've been around the same 2 pounds - still 20 pounds to go back to goal - now for pretty much the entire summer.  I need to break on through, and at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses, I just can't seem to make it happen right now with all the extra "stuff" going on.  Weight Watchers before Lily, and Weight Watchers after Lily is sure a different experience. 

Initially I was so "not OK" with that.  I was angry with my results.  But I've come to accept that this is a different journey than it was before, and this time it is going to take me longer, and so I've made peace with that fact, even if I still feel frustrated at times.

Next week, I am off to North Carolina again for appointments with Lily - similar to what we did back in April.  Lily and I will be taking a little vacation after the appointments to the beach.  We are so ready for a break, and some time in the sand and sun.

My vacation plan is to simple and something that CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader if you need a reminder) taught me.  If you are simply replacing a "normal" meal that you'd eat, eat like you would at home.  If it's a celebration, than take the time to eat what you enjoy.  I think that's amazing advice for a balanced life!

Baby girl.  Today you are 1.  It seems like just yesterday that after weeks, weeks of waiting and waiting to see what would happen with you, that you were finally born.  All the worry and prayers wrapped up in a tiny little 5 lb 9 oz package.  You were perfect!  OK, so you were missing 1 chromosome, but you had a perfect little heart, a perfect little face, your mama's nose. 

Our healing came, all the while other mama's didn't get their healing.  Our miracle was granted, and I will never understand why us... why you.  You are made for bigger things baby girl.  You will do amazing things.  How I was ever worthy of being your mama I will never know.  I am blessed beyond measure, and I am humbled to have been chosen.

You amaze me every day.  You are standing up to things and cruising around, you have 4 teeth.   Last night you told your daddy you were "awe done" at the end of dinner.  You already hate bottles and love your sippy cup and "real milk". 

Today we celebrate you Lily!  Something I never thought I'd get to do.  God is so faithful!

On your birthday there isn't much more I can think of saying that I haven't already said somewhere over the past year.  So instead I put together this video... chronicling your story.  My wish is that it is shared over and over until it goes viral.  That everyone can know how great is our God!


And don't forget you can still donate in Lily's honor to the Turner Syndrome Society

Some days I can easily come up with my own words, and some days, things I read so eloquently say what my heart is feeling.  Recently, a fellow Turner Syndrome mom shared this poem, and it so accurately captures my feelings of the last year with Lily. 

Despite everything.  The 18 weeks of living with her growing inside of me, not knowing if she'd live, the reflux, the hundreds of appointments, the sleeplessness nights, the millions of tears cried, and 2 surgeries.  I would not trade Lily for anything.  If I had my pick - I still would have chosen her.



If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you.


And don't forget... Lily is asking you this week if you would please give a small donation - even a dollar can make a difference - to the Turner Syndrome society for her birthday!