In spite of our miracle, reality has hit, the adrenaline of the last 10 days has worn off, sleepless nights are plentiful, and worry is still there!  Surprise... life goes on.  And sometimes I sit in the muddle of it all, and try to figure it all out.  And I have no answers, and I know that while one journey is finally over, another one has certainly just begun, and it proves to be probably an easier journey at times... at least right now... but one that doesn't last just 9 months, it will last for the rest of my life. 

It isn't dissimilar to the journey that any mother is on once they lay a small, helpless baby in her arms for the first time.  I am normal in many ways, and worry about normal things:  oh no the baby has bad diaper rash, or why is she so fussy, or is she getting enough to eat, why did she go up 3 ounces in 3 days, just to be down 1 ounce 5 days later (today's sour news).  Normal mom things.  Its comforting to know that there is some normalcy in our lives these days, because that normalcy was lacking for so many months!

And yet, I worry about Lily's future already, and what lay in front of her.  How will I one day explain to her that she isn't like other girls.  That she'll never be able to have her own baby, that she will need shots every day for years just to make 5 feet tall?


Deep down I know that I am certainly injured and possibly permanently scarred from the last several months of my pregnancy.  How can one not be?  I also know my hormones are completely out of whack from having a baby 10 days ago.  Will time heal me?  Will time heal any of us?  I don't know the answer to that.  But I know that I will soon need to figure out a way to process all of this, and I fully expect it to take months if not years to work through that. 

I still have deeply rooted issues of self-esteem that have gotten worse, not better from this pregnancy.  See... this was the pregnancy that was supposed to heal the hurt from my pregnancy with "L".  This was the pregnancy that would prove my body is capable... it works!  Those things didn't not really happen.  And it hurts!  Yet, to have walked out of the hospital a week ago with Lily in my arms was also beyond my wildest dreams and an indicator of major success in the midst of so much failure.
Don't get me wrong.  I am still reveling in the miracle that Lily is, but I am now starting to also deal with the reality of where this leaves us.  To have been so blessed with a miracle, leaves you with a bit of a "why me" feeling.  So many people ask for their miracles, and they are passed by.  So why us?  Why her?  I cannot help but think of big things for her, even though she is barely 5 pounds!

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
-- Stephan Hoeller

I might be injured, but without that I certainly would not have my pearl, sweet little Lily.

On Tuesday afternoon I was discharged from the hospital.  I expected to walk ( ok be forced to ride out via wheelchair) out alone, without my baby.  I've prepared myself for this since the day we found out about her condition back in May.  I have done this before, 4 years ago, it was one of the worst days of my life.

But on Tuesday afternoon, I was wheeled out of the hospital with a baby in my arms!  Lily is home!  It is surreal and wonderful.  And even though we will have lots of future appointments and follow ups, she is our happy ending. 

Tired but happy, we are going home!

When I started this journey 3 years ago, this is what I wanted.  To lose enough weight, get pregnant, and have a baby I could bring home with me.  Often derailed but never deterred, the ultimate goal is now realized.  It didn't come the easy way, it never seems to for me.  It came through some major hardships and pain - pain that I may be working through for a really long time.  But in the end this is better than any Weight Watchers goal or lifetime award!  This is why I lost weight.  Lily is my ultimate prize, and now she is finally home.

I have spent many nights in the last few months begging for God to spare my daughters life. We haver certainly received the miracle that we asked for. I don't know why, but it came in the form of a 5 pound 9 ounce bundle. This little girl is here for a reason... She is going to do something amazing. She is sleeping in my room at the hospital right now, and has been since Saturday night. She had about a 36 hour NICU stay. The shortness of it still takes my breath away. Her MRI found no connection between the mass on her head and her brain. Her heart was found to be normal by the Echocardiogram. Her kidney function is normal. Her chromosomes however were found to be missing precisely one "X".

Lily officially has Turner Syndrome and while I'm supposed to feel sad (at least that's what people are expecting from me) I am instead overjoyed by the fact that she made it from my womb into my arms and that after months of waiting we finally have our answer. I feel like I want to go out and have a party!  After months of waiting we have a diagnosis and are ready to move on with our new life.  She is a survivor and we are happy to add her to our family. She has some cosmetic surgery ahead of her and yet she is one of few Turner syndrome girls that does not have a major kidney or heart defect.

Initially we were told they still wanted to do surgery on the mass on her head and I just found out it's canceled... We'll follow up with a cosmetic/general surgeon in a couple of months!

I'm not sure how to process this all right other than to say that if you still don't believe in a God and the reality of miracles and the power of prayers then you haven't yet met my daughter! She is absolute proof of a loving, living God.

By the way... I posted a picture of dear little Lily on Twitter this afternoon. Follow me (@fatlittlelegs) to see it. I will post more photos here once I get home.

Lily Grace was born this morning at 8:39 am.
She is 5 pounds and 9 ounces! Bigger than we thought!
She is in the NICU, and having an MRI, but she is stable and I've even held her already.
I will admit the growth on the back of her head is interesting... No one seems to have seen anything like it before.
I am doing well and very much ready to get out of this bed when they'll let me.
I will post pictures as soon as I figure out how from my iPad.

Amnio results from this morning showed that our baby's lungs are mature and it's a go for tomorrow morning dark and early.  Yes, the amnio was as bad as I thought it would be, but we had some complications.  I will leave it at that for now.

Little one we are ready to meet you in less than 12 hours!

I leave you with this.  A song that speaks to me lately.