Alternatively titled... how could I be so stupid?

So ALL week I have been fretting and fretting and fretting some more about my weight being up and this being my last weigh in to hit Lifetime.  So today... I go and weigh in and surprisingly am down 1.4 pounds. I seriously must have lost it between leaving home in the morning and my meeting at noon.  AND... even more surprisingly I found out I have one more week left.  OOPS!!!  I feel like a complete dork, with all my worrying, to find out it is NOT the week. 

On to next week.  Oh how cruel fate is, that now this week is my LAST week before Lifetime.  See today I scheduled my son's MRI.  He'll be having a sedated full brain MRI on Wednesday morning at 7:30 am.  I also have my own checkup on Monday morning.  It is going to be a stressful week.  I'm going to do everything I can to not turn to food - instead I will run... maybe even away.  At least that's how I feel right now.  So please keep little "L" in your thoughts and prayers (as I write this he is singing a song about poop from his bed - yes it is WAAAY past bedtime and he is not asleep).  He is only 3... and has already had more than his share in his short lifetime.  I don't believe God makes mistakes, and I am trying to believe that God didn't save him at birth just to have this happen 3 years later.

So... sorry for being a complete dork.  You will be in suspense 1 MORE WEEK!!!

Twas the night before weigh in and all though the house, no cookies were baking, not even for my spouse.  The gym clothes were hung by the door with care, in hopes that I would to the gym them wear...The children child was nestled all snug in his bed while visions of good scale numbers danced in MY head. 

Tomorrow I discover if I'm able to do this... stay at or below goal for the past 6 weeks, with nearly 2 of those weeks being on vacation.  Make it to the coveted... Lifetime!  No longer pay to go to Weight Watchers meetings. 

My weight has been up this week.  Stubborn pounds once again, but regardless of what happens tomorrow this I know: 

• Being at or below my goal weight does not define me as a person.
• Being over my goal weight does not mean I have done anything bad.  It means I am human, or I ate a lot of salt, or I'm stressed out, or my body isn't cooperating.

And ultimately... whatever happens tomorrow... I know I will CRY!  Tomorrow I will be 1 week shy of doing this for 2 FULL years.  In those 2 year I have had one hell of a journey.  Every single pound lost or gained, every single goal celebrated, every single disappointment, every single mile ran, has profoundly changed me forever.

As Zig Ziglar once said, "What you get by achieving your goal is not as important as what you become by achieving your goal."

Zig you were completely right.

This is one of our favorite chicken strip recipes.  And when you live with a 3 year old, you have lots of chicken strip recipes.  I have been making this for years, and now know the recipe by heart.  I apologize as I no longer know the original source.

Coconut Chicken Fingers
Serves 4 @ 5 Points Plus a serving
1/2 cup sweetened shredded coconut
1/3 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast tenders or breasts cut in strips
1 beaten egg

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix coconut, flour, salt, pepper in a bowl. Dip chicken into then egg, then coat with coconut mixture. Place on a baking pan. Bake 25 minutes or until chicken is cooked through, turning once.

Then I make an Apricot Dipping Sauce which is about 1/2 cup apricot jam mixed with 1-2 Tbsp of Dijon Mustard.  YUM YUM YUM!

If you want a full meal serve with potato wedges and a steamed veggie... we like peas!

I sit here tonight and I feel terrified....
Terrified of what you ask?
Well... let's see:
Gaining this week... which in addition to my gain last Thursday, would likely put me more than 2 pounds over goal, making me the first person EVER to fail the "maintenance" portion of the Weight Watchers program, and not allowing me to make Lifetime.

That is why I am terrified tonight.  I am terrified of failure... of gaining all my weight back.  I'm terrified that the number on the scale is up after an activity filled, completely on plan weekend.  What is up with that?  I am terrified that I'm a slave to the scale.

And if that's not enough for you I have other good stuff:

• My son still has his front soft spot on his head at the age of 3.  None of the doctor's in my ped's practice have seen this before, the neurologists at Children's Hospital have never seen this before, and they want him to have an MRI to check for intracranial pressure - don't google it... nothing good comes up.
• I'm terrified of the cost of the above MRI.  As much as I would love to have a picture of my sweet baby boy's brain hanging on my wall for Christmas I'd much prefer (insert anything else here).
• Did I mention I'm terrified of getting fat/fatter again?  Well it still applies.
• I'm terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant and have another child.  That my child will grow up with a sibling.
• I'm terrified that if I do get pregnant I'll have a preemie again, I'll have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or even worse I'll die.
• I'm terrified that I'll be a burden on my child in my old age.
• I'm terrified that my son will get fat someday.
• I'm terrified that losing all this weight won't have done anything for my PCOS .
• I'm terrified I'm not good enough, that people won't like me, that I suck at group fitness, of being alone anywhere in public, that I will have no one to talk to to and no one will like me if I go to this alone:  One, Breath, One Step.  I'm terrified of starting conversations with strangers.
• I'm terrified that my hormones are out of whack, and that I'll never be normal.  I'm terrified that PCOS will once again remind me that my body is its home.
• I'm terrified that even though I want to have another child I won't be able to afford one.

I guess you could say I have issues.  I am having a REALLY hard time right now with all of the thoughts I've listed above.  I'm having a hard time not taking the entire peanut butter jar and the whole bag of chocolate chips and "solving" the problems above with them.  I'm having a hard time not drinking a whole heck of a lot of wine.  Sometimes, I am actually amazed at my ability to stop emotional eating really quickly these days, but that leaves a whole lot of worrying left to do.

On Saturday my head was full of all of this stuff (still is to be honest), and you know what I did... I ran.  I pounded out 3.5 miles on the treadmill mindlessly staring out the windows at the gym.  Allowing myself to be lost in my thoughts.  I would have gone farther too, but an old injury in my foot was aching.  I tried to envision happy endings to all the worries above as I was running...

• me holding a healthy full term baby
• "L"''s negative MRI results
• Myself making Lifetime
• Myself in 2 years looking thin and watching my children play together
• Myself taking a group fitness class, etc. etc. 

It definitely gave me some relief... although short-lived.

If you think I'm crazy now...you're probably right.  But I think I'm real and you can probably relate - because face it we all have issues.  Something tells me the next few months are going to be quite a ride.  I'm holding on for dear life, and I'm keeping my running shoes really close to the door.

There has always been something really strange about my self-esteem.  You see, when I was really FAT, I actually had better self-esteem than I do now.  I was more confident.  Sure I knew I was fat, but I was able to command a room and feel respected. 

Now 106 pounds later... I don't feel like that anymore.  How did I lose that sense of confidence as I lost weight?  Somehow along the way I started losing myself, losing who I was along with the weight.  Being fat had always defined me.  I was perfectly OK with being fat until the night he saved my life... and then something started to break.  That brokenness started a downward spiral of my self-esteem.

I have been trying to figure out this self-image problem:

• How can I get that confidence back? 
• How can I feel good about myself again? 
• Now that I'm barely fat anymore I feel fatter than I did 106 pounds ago.  How can I get rid of that feeling? 

And then... last Friday happened.  It was just an ordinary day - consisting of work, some shopping on my lunch hour, and a couple of drinks after work with a friend.  But for the first time in my life... The first time EVER that I can remember I think my self esteem actually matched how I looked... who I am.  See for yourself (ignore the monkey arms in the first picture):