I’ve spent some time the last couple of days reviewing my goals from last year. I have to say it has been a really hard experience. This has been a really hard post to write. This time last year, I had high hopes. 2011 was going to be an amazing year. I was going to lose a little more weight, run a 10k, and not let things bother me so much. Well… as you know, life took an unexpected turn. I could not have even begun to predict what 2011 would, in reality, bring me last year at this time.
I did get pregnant… very shortly after writing my goals for 2011 last year. I did NOT get preeclampsia. Did I have the healthiest pregnancy ever? No. But I am OK with that. WIN!
At this time last year I vowed to run a 10k in 2011. In March I quit running because I couldn’t keep my heart rate in a safe zone, and it made me really sick every time I ran. FAIL!
I wanted to make a healthier physical me. I made a goal to decrease my body fat percentage, and eat more whole foods. Instead, I end this year 40+ pounds heavier, and have eaten more pieces of pie and giant muffins than I can count. FAIL!
I wanted to make a healthier emotional me. I told myself no more negative self-talk, less negativity and anger. Instead, I end this year feeling worse about myself than probably ever. I have lived through the most negative year of my life. I have probably been angrier this year than any other year in my life so far. FAIL!
Finally, at this time last year, I prayed that I would get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, and have a baby, and God said,
“Ok… but let me work, this my way, not yours. You are going to have to have a lot of trust and a ton of patience… things I know you need to work on. Let me use your story as a demonstration of my amazing grace and goodness.”
I did get pregnant… very shortly after writing my goals for 2011 last year. I did NOT get preeclampsia. Did I have the healthiest pregnancy ever? No. But I am OK with that. WIN!
I do not understand the events of 2011. I do not understand why I was chosen to walk the road that I did this year. I do not understand sometimes the pain and sorrows of life, or even the immense joy at other times in life. I do not understand why I had to work so hard to lose weight and get pregnant, and then experience the pregnancy I did, when for some people a healthy baby comes so easily. I do understand why my precious daughter was allowed to make it, while 99% of other Turner Syndrome babies do not. I do not understand why I’ve been chosen to raise a daughter that will have some extra needs.
And while I will never understand the events of 2011, what I do know is that we end 2011 blessed with our sweet little Lily. What I do know is that she is a witness of the goodness of God, of the wisdom of God. What I do know is that I was chosen to be her mother, however hard that is some days, and accept that challenge fully and hope for a 2012 with much less struggles… for all of us. I don’t think I would go back and change any of, even if I still live sometimes in the constant post-traumatic stress of it all.
So while I look on most of my goals of 2011 with failure. I also know that in stark contrast there is so much success. When I started Weight Watchers 3 years ago, I did so so that I could lose weight and have a baby. It was my ultimate goal, and it had little to do with the number on the scale. This year that goal was finally realized. It eclipses the failures of all of the other goals! There are many other years left to run 10ks and decrease my body fat percentage. Being, 34, I didn’t have a lot of good years left to have a baby. And while my pregnancy was not at all what I had envisioned, at the end of it all, what I’m left with is that Lily Grace is here, and she is smiling and cooing and kicking and living!
I could really sit around today and focus on the crap of 2011. I could curl up with my snuggie and champagne glass and feel sorry for myself. And in all honesty, I will not be sad to finally see 2011 in my rear view mirror. But instead I think I’ll focus on the good and will spend the last hours of 2011 snuggling my sweet children.
Goodbye 2011…Good Riddance to you
I wish you all an amazing new start in 2012!
