I really want to sit down and blog.  I have so many thoughts racing through my head that I toss and turn a lot of nights - so I'm not sleeping well... AGAIN!  Then after a horrible night of sleep, I am exhausted at the end of each day.  I can't help but thinking of ongoing surgeries for this baby and persisting through them while still trying to make life as normal as possible for "L" and trying to work!  And the medical bills that are likely to follow constantly haunt my mind.  I need to plan.  I can't.  I've said it before, but this is driving me ABSOLUTELY NUTS!!!

On top of that, I have things I want to say.  Things I know that will not seem popular or might even offend some.  I start to write about it... and then I stop.  But I think I've decided finally I have to write about what my feelings are.  This is my space, this is my blog.  I guess if I offend someone that is par for the course.

My MRI "results" were emailed to me on Friday.  I tried reading them.  That was probably a huge mistake, as I seriously - even with a bachelor's degree - cannot understand 98% of what it means.  I can tell you that female genitalia was confirmed.  That is one sentence I understood.  Along with the mass is complex consisting of 3 components.  Seriously... that's it.  Everything else is full of major medical terms, and googling them was not the wisest idea, and really didn't add to my knowledge anyways.  So... I will await patiently to speak with my doctor about them on Thursday at my appointment.

I've been eating WAY too much again.  But honestly, I am so hungry.  Like tonight, I felt like I needed a another dinner a mere 2 hours after my dinner of roasted sweet potatoes and steak.  What?  I have packed on 5 pounds already since my last appointment (thanks cheesecake) and I'm terrified to step on that scale on Thursday.  Let's just hope its all baby growing (although the cheesecake really tells me otherwise).

Its Saturday night... and I'm exhausted!  Too many early mornings - 4 am, where I'm woken up by a 3 year old that begs me to "cover him up" because he's kicked off his covers.  Then... I can't go back to sleep.

At my weigh in on Thursday I was up 1 pound... oh well.  Mandatory weigh in for the month = done, and I'm free for the month of February because I am 7 pounds below my goal weight.  Yay for that!

Made it to the gym 4 times this past week - including 40 minutes on the treadmill today.  Wanted to make 5, but skipped yesterday to go out for Mexican for lunch... uh... yeah... guess what I'm real too!

I have a couple of giveaways in the works, but see the first comment about exhausted in getting them together.  I hope to pull them together in the next week or so.  You won't believe the free stuff people want to send you sometimes when you have a blog.  OK, maybe you will... but I was thinking I would actually get cool stuff... ha!  OK, sometimes I have gotten cool stuff, but this past week I was sent Green Giant veggies in a giant box with dry ice.  They probably didn't need the ice considering the weather... I like veggies... so I guess this is a good thing to get free veggies in the mail.

I made balsamic chicken with brown butter ravioli, and a warm spinach salad for dinner.  Major comfort food... majorly yummy.  I should have taken pictures to post, but I ate it instead.  Oops.  I promise to share the recipe soon, if you promise not to chastise me for not having pictures.

The Superbowl is tomorrow... do you find this a hard eating day... like Thanksgiving, or does it not matter to you?  How do you cope with it?  Me... we are are making mini-mushroom Swiss sliders out of lean beef, and having baked fries.  I did make lemon bars because I really wanted some, but they are only 4 PointsPlus each... I can handle that.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend.

I have SO much rambling around in my head, but I can't seem to organize any of it for a coherent post.  So maybe I'll just try a list:

- I lost .4 at my weigh in today.  Believe it or not I am OK with that.  I'm still 8 pounds below my goal weight.  I just have a lot going on right now.

- Speaking of a lot going on right now... I just switched my PointsPlus tracker to maintenance for awhile, as I really feel this is what I need to do right now.  There are some other things I'm going to focus on, rather than the number on the scale.  I'm OK with that.  WOW... that felt weird to say, but it is true.  I'm OK.

- I'm OK... yikes, the pure fact that I have to repeat that so many times in the past 5 sentences, must mean I am really not OK.  Yeah... I really am... I just have to stop myself hyperventilating sometimes. 

-- Speaking of hyperventilating, today I had to get some blood work done, and I just about had a freaking panic attack in the bathroom at the clinic.  You know what caused it?  The smell of the soap (Liz it still happens to me too 3-1/2 years later).  Its the raw, nose-tingling antiseptic soap smell from when "L" was in the NICU.  I thought I had that reaction under control, but apparently not.  It takes me to a bad place.  I managed to calm myself down with some positive thoughts and a prayer.  It helped, and now I'm OK.

- If you blog, do you ever think about how it is so weird to have your life splashed all out there on the Internet?  Today I got a hit on my blog from someone searching images - obese lady.  WOW... awesome.  I wonder what site my before picture will end up on now?  Oh well... I'm OK with it because I put my story out here to help people, inspire people, and let you know that you can do it, and yes, I too, still struggle every single day.

- I've been doing some interval work at the gym, and at the risk of offending a bunch of people, I have to say that walking on the treadmill makes me feel like a wimp - no offense to walkers, seriously.  This is just about me.  After running for so long, it just seems... well... strange.  And you know what?  I'm OK with that.

There you have it... RAW, REAL, and REALLY vague.  It's just how I am today, and I'm OK with that.  I really am.

I weighed in today. Up .2 of a pound. Whatever... I am completely indifferent towards it. I want to lose 12 more pounds, but during this past week that hasn't been my focus. I did what I should be doing... but I know that I had too many BLTs (Bites Licks and Tastes) that I was not honest with myself about. It is a new week and I'm moving on. I'd like to definitely make it into the 160s in the next few weeks, and then as the holidays approach I've been thinking that my goal will be to maintain... but more to come on that as the time approaches.

Thank you for everyone that commented on my last post. The support I felt was instantaneous... and appreciated. I was feeling low last night. I'm sure I will be at that point again, but I will try to move on more quickly next time.
There was this man at the gym this morning. He was relatively thin, healthy-looking, and seemed injury-free. He got on the treadmill and walked at like 1.5 mph for maybe 10ish minutes. My initial thought was "Wow buddy way to go on the hard work" (as I sweated out 3 miles at 5.6 mph on the treadmill. And then I thought wow... you are being really mean, judgemental, and stupid. I mean, I don't know his story, just like he doesn't know mine.

I wore a fabulous black wrap dress today with kick ass boots! It was from Target. Its this one. I need to get a picture, but my husband has been working too late this week, and my 3 year old is not great at taking pictures... yet.  I think I want to buy the one in blue too.

Chicken Baseballs... the next time I make them I promise pictures (as requested by a couple of people). I always mean to take pictures of things, and then I forget, and it is eaten. Oops!

And with that... I'm out!

I am back from playing hooky...reintegration into everday life is always so hard, isn't it?

And I am repeating this over and over to my super tired, horribly stressed out, at the brink self tonight:

I will get up and run tomorrow, I will get up and run tomorrow morning at 5:45 am... I will get up and run... I will do it.  I will like it.  I will.  Maybe if I say this I will actually feel it.