Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

Yes, I typed my title in all caps... and no that is not my total weight loss so far.

Let me tell you a story (shocked, right?).

Once upon a time there was a girl that would eat 1 chocolate chip and could gain a pound.  This girl grew to be a woman, and because she ate many chocolate chips, she gained many, many pounds.  By the time she caught herself, she was fat - and not just sort of fat.  She was really fat!  So she decided to stop eating chocolate chip(s) and she lost some weight - OK maybe 115 pounds of weight.  Then she had a baby, and while the baby was cute,  her weight loss was even harder than before.  Now just eating 1/2 a chocolate chip would even do her in.  She didn't understand how it was even possible for people to complain that they "could not gain weight."  She scoffed and them and sometimes secretly under her breath muttered "not nice things".  It made no sense... eat 1 chocolate chip she thought... that's how I gain weight.

After a few months, that girl realized that her baby just would not gain weight.  Her baby would eat and eat, and still sat within 1 ounce of the same weight for 6 weeks!  In fact her sweet baby was trying to gain from 10 to 11 pounds for at least 10 whole weeks!  And that's a REALLY long time for a baby.  And suddenly that girl that couldn't understand how people couldn't gain weight understood.  And she knew that both problems are just that ... problems, and both can be really hard to solve.

Yes, I wish that was just a fairytale, but its not.  While I have been trying desperately to lose weight, and the battle with the scale has been really slow and unfair over these last 3 months, my daughter has trying to desperately gain just 1 pound since January!  As slow as my weight loss has been - I have lost 15.4 pounds in 14 weeks, her weight gain has been heartbreakingly slower.  What a stupid paradox I live in daily!

I have been counting and journaling not only every bit of food that goes in my own mouth, but also hers... with each of us having opposite goals. 

And because I have been taught - through the tradition of Weight Watchers - to celebrate... the small stuff, the important stuff, and the BIG stuff.  Tonight I am celebrating Lily, for yesterday for the first time in 10+ weeks Lily finally weighed in with a number that was not 10.  She was exactly 11 pounds!!!  I have never celebrated a weight gain so much in my life.  Like I said before... cruel paradox.

And so to celebrate, we did what any other parents would do when their baby gains a pound - we bought cake.  Don't judge... its been a long, frustrating last few months.  This cake is well deserved, and well paid for with a run today too!  And I sat down and immensely enjoyed my piece.



Happy 11 pounds baby girl.  Mommy is so proud of you!

Maybe you'll remember back to Reverse Weight Watchers.  That would be where I was trying desperately to get Ms Lily to gain weight - and at the same time wanting myself to lose weight.

Well... we are nearly 4 months down the road, and as desperately as I've tried, my Lily gains weight slowly.  She weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs, 2 oz at her 4 month appointment last month.  She was in the 0 percentile for weight and the 1st for height.  Yes, I know that a fact of Turner Syndrome is that she will be smaller.  But I didn't expect it to show up so soon and so severly.  I often wonder how I got children that are in such low percentiles, when I'm in the 200th percentile for weight - or at least that's how it feels.

Fast forward to early this week.  I weighed Lily... and.... drumroll please! 
10 lbs even!
Really?
You have to be kidding me?  In 3 weeks, my daughter has managed to gain oops I mean lose 2 oz?
Really?
OK, she was sick for a week.  That must be it.
Who am I kidding?  She is never going to be the huge, roly poly baby I always imagined myself with.
She is going to be her... uniquely her, and if I've learned anything in the past year, it is that Lily does things Lily's way.

Meanwhile, we see this repeat for the last several weeks at Weight Watchers:
Down 1 lb
Gain .2
Down .8 of a lb
Down 1 lb
Sigh... yes, my weight is also decreasing... slowly, but surely.  I am down a total of 8 lbs in 2 months.  Those 2 months include the holidays.  I'm not making excuses.  I am in all honesty doing exactly what I should be doing:  counting my points.  Its just painstakingly SLOW!  My average weight loss is under a pound a week.  I can't say I'm thrilled.  Can you tell?  I'm not sure when my body is going to wake up and realize that I'm no longer pregnant, and it can let go of the weight - hopefully before summer though, since I really, really don't want to buy a new summer wardrobe.  I already had to buy a new winter wardrobe.  I really miss those pants and tops I put in a bin down the basement.

Lily is destined to gain slowly... I am destined to lose slowly.  I just have to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that in a couple of years none of this will matter - for either of us!

I think I've finally broken my scale addiction habit.  I have now successfully stayed off my home scale for 2 full weeks in a row!  This is huge for me.  I am not weighing myself like I am an addict, and last week I still thought about it a lot, but this week, I barely thought about it at all.  Its nice to have my mind back for awhile.

Unfortunately, the scale was not kind to me this week.  I was very hopeful, as I tracked everything I ate, got my water in, and ate within my points.  My reward... nothing!  I didn't lose, and I didn't gain.  This postpartum body really has me tearing my hair out some days.

I can do everything right and lose 2-3 pounds, or I can do everything right and lose nothing.  I'm not sure how to deal with that.  On top of it all my face is broken out like a hormonal teenager, and I just got over this strange breakout of some type all over my lips.  I did not have so many issues reclaiming my "normal" body back after "L" was born, so I have to admit all of this is not something that I expected still 4 months postpartum.

I'm sure my stress levels, and my lack of sleep from having both a 4 month old, that was extra cranky from her shots, and a sick 4 year old both in the past week has probably contributed not only to the stall on the scale, but also to the Clearasil that is needed on my face.

Today after I weighed in, I did sit and mope for awhile.  You would have done the same thing... don't lie.  But as usual, I left my meeting feeling empowered.  It always does that for me.  Empowered to take on a new week, keep making healthy choices, and know that eventually the stupid scale has to budge... right?

I hope some day to wake up and be back in my size 8 pants, with perfect skin, and a naive life, but I fear that is not on the docket for any time soon. So in the mean time I do my best. I pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue on the journey. Really... what other options do I have.  I am not about to go back to this:


EVER!
As Winston Churchill said, and I love "Never never never never give up!"

Can you believe that we are already nearing the end of the third week in January?
Can you believe that this little pumpkin is already 4 months old as of Monday?

I step on the scale this morning... it reads exactly to the tenth of a pound what it did last week.  I stand in the bathroom and punch the sheet rock on the wall.  I come out of the bathroom with a giant pout on my face, and complain to my husband about the unfairness of it all.  He tells me maybe I need to start exercising again.  I yell that he doesn't understand, and ask him when he expects me to exercise, 3 am?  I grab my apple cinnamon Chobani yogurt and head towards Starbucks. 

There is at least 10 people in front of me in line... one of which decides that she apparently needs 6 different drinks.  Ugh!  While waiting (forever) for my coffee, I bring up Twitter on my phone to waste away the time.  I send this tweet:
You can tell, the day wasn't off to the best start.
I get to work, sit down at my desk and get lost in a mundane task that needs to be completed.  I drink my coffee.  I don't eat my yogurt.  I guess I figure if I starve myself this morning, maybe it will make all the difference.

After a while my cell phone rings.  It is a call I've been waiting for for a couple of days - a renowned doctor in North Carolina that would like have my daughter join a Turner Syndrome study she has been conducting.  We chat, the conversation is nice.  I ask lots of questions.  I tell her Lily has Turner Syndrome, I tell her about the non-longer mysterious growth on the back of her head.  We chat about the various pictures that various doctors have snapped of it on their cell phones.  I tell her about my previous pregnancy, about the HELLP syndrome.  She pauses, I can tell she is struck by the fact that 2 totally random things have hit me twice.  She tells me she doesn't know which one is worse.  I take a moment to feel bad for myself, but then slink back to my desk and actual revel in the news the call brought.

11:30 rolls around... time to leave for Weight Watchers.  I drive to my meeting, and walk through the door and to the scale.  Several people say "hi Sarah".  I stop and show the receptionist a picture of my daughter and son.  I feel like I'm walking the walk of shame, and yet I should have nothing to be ashamed of, because from a health standpoint I did everything I should have.  I drank lots of water, ate my share of fruits and veggies, and stayed within my points.  I tried to move a little every day, even if it is just walking around my car while I wait for the gas to pump, or doing squats every time the microwave is running to heat Lily's bottle.

I start the disrobing process - its like a weekly ritual... coat off, scarf and gloves off, blazer off, boots off.  I stand in my dress and tights now on the scale and grit my teeth.  I automatically blurt out, "I know I didn't lose anything and I can't figure out why!"  My CWWL looks up and me and states, "Maybe you should save that comment for a time when you really didn't lose weight."  A look of shock crosses my face, I stare down at the paper I see:

- 1.2

I quietly smile, and back away from the scale.  I don't know how it happened between this morning and noon.  My scale ALWAYS matches Weight Watcher's scale really closely. I don't know how it happened, and honestly I don't care.  I will take it!

Next week I hope to make to my first 5 lbs lost.

Don't forget... tomorrow's the LAST DAY to enter my Zipfizz giveaway.  There will be 2 winners, so definitely check it out, all you have to do for an entry is leave me a comment on the giveaway post with what flavor you want to try.

Yesterday was my Weight Watchers meeting.  To get the nitty gritty out of the way, I’m up 1 pound total over the “2 weeks of holidays”.  My goal was to basically maintain.  I am ok with being up 1 pound after those 2 weeks.  If I wasn’t doing Weight Watchers I know I would have easily been up 5 pounds.  WIN!


I was asked… do I believe I can do this, this year?  Do I believe that I can lose 40 pounds and get back to my goal weight?  And I do… I really do, but it is hard.  This time is harder for me.  I’m trying to quantify why losing 40 pounds should be harder than losing 115.  It was suggested that maybe part of it is that I’ve told myself it is going to be harder.  True… I think there is definitely something to that.  But I also know that this time my motivation is different – my biological clock is no longer ticking.  I can be leisurely about this if I want to.  This time is about me reclaiming myself, whereas before my external driver was about having a healthy pregnancy.

Yesterday was my week 1 weigh in after starting back to Weight Watcher's meetings.  I was so happy to lose 3.4 pounds!  It was exactly the victory that I needed after trying a few weeks ago and have less than stellar results.  I am feeling confidence in myself and the Points Plus plan.

I had a good week, I had 2 parties/events that had food that I attended, and they didn't derail me, but I still had fun.  I was so much more conscious about what I was putting in my mouth.  It feels so good to know that I CAN do this again.  I feel renewed strength and energy.  I know I will get back to my goal weight, but I will not be surprised or annoyed if it takes me about a year.  I have 40 more pounds to lose.  This is not an easy journey, but as I've always said... its worth it.  I am worth it... we are worth it!

When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting... no matter how small... I am reminded why I am there, and why it is so important for me.  Yesterday there were only a handful of people at my meeting - a sign of the season for sure, but there were so many great ideas and conversation.  To be with other people that are real in their struggles is so important for me.  Our leader was a fill in, because CWWL was away for Christmas, and she was a spit-fire!  I loved her!  She told us that people that attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 50% more weight than those that try to do it alone, or online. 

Now, don't get me wrong... if that works for you, then great!  But I know for me, I have to be in that meeting.  The 2 years I was losing my 115 pounds I missed only a handful of meetings and those were because I was usually on vacation.  I know now in retrospect that meetings were the #1 key to my weight loss.  I feel so much stronger after them, I feel understood, I have more willpower.

As we are 2 days away from Christmas, I am not going to promise you I will be perfect.  This week my goal is to maintain or gain less than 1 pound.  It is Christmas after all.. there is lefse to be eaten, and chocolate chip cookie dough balls to be tasted.  If it's a 9 or a 10... I will probably eat some.  But I will make sure I love it, and I won't stretch out Christmas Eve and day into a week or even longer. 

I feel strong... I feel ready FINALLY... I am ready for the final chapter of this journey.  This time it isn't about my desire for another child, like before Lily, this time it is about me, and making me the best me I can be.  40 pounds should be a piece of cake after 115, right?

May your holidays be Merry and Bright!

Its Thursday... which means I weighed myself for the first time since starting back to counting Points last Thursday. 

Overall, my week was really good.  I followed the plan.  I measured my food.  I stopped eating candy.  Probably the only thing that I didn't do was drink the amount of water I should have.. but, I was close.

So... when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was really hopeful.  But instead what I got was a weight that was up .1 of a pound.  I blinked, and laughed thinking I must have screwed up and I got off and stepped on again... same number, 215.1.  I can't believe it.  I'm PISSED!  No, make that I'm PISSED AS HELL!  Can you tell I'm mad?

I really can't figure it out, but what it does is makes me 100% distrust the Points Plus program.  And even more it makes me distrust my body.  When bodies were being handed out, I got the lemon, and unlike a car I don't think there is a lemon law anywhere for bodies.

In fact, I was so mad about it that I sat in my bed and cried about it for a good hour this morning.  I actually lost less weight this week, than last week when I was not doing Weight Watchers and was mindlessly eating Halloween candy.  My mind says then maybe I should just go back to eating candy.  Yeah, I know, that's just stupid.

This is like living through my worst fear... I that I will NOT be able to lose weight again. 

I'm really not sure what to do from here.  I know I can't give up, but I seriously cannot put in the effort and willpower that losing weight takes without getting a payoff for doing it.

I am confused, and angry, and scared.  I don't like how I look and how I feel.  This stinks!
Please excuse me while I put a pan of brownies in the oven...

This morning literally at the crack of dawn, I weighed myself and logged on to Weight Watchers online to join.  Finally a plan put into action.  I felt strongly about "starting" on a Thursday since that is my meeting day, and will be my weigh in day once I go back to meetings.

This morning the scale said 215 pounds... ugh!  I need to lose 40 pounds to get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight of 175 pounds.  I am not happy with myself, but it is done, and I am ready to move on with this next part of my life, and finally fit in my pants again!

I get a lot of points as I'm still breastfeeding part time, so really this should be easy, but I'll be honest - tonight especially I have found myself kind of hungry, but actually scared to eat even though I have points left.  Please don't give me a lecture about this... it is just how I feel.  I know finding foods I feel comfortable with will get easier as I get back into the swing of things.  Right now, I'm so unsure of the points value of so many foods that its hard.  I lost almost all of my weight on the original Points Plan, so getting used to Points Plus values is new to me.  I also have to say that I don't trust Points Plus yet, because I haven't had proved weight loss on it, only maintenance.  Once I see a few losses, I know I'll learn to trust it more, and things will be easier.

So... Day 1 is in the books.  I am proud of myself.

In my younger more naive days, I always envisioned my chunky self with a chunky baby with rolls and extra chins.  You have to kind of admit...a chunky baby tends to be cuter than a thin baby... as much as I don't want to admit that.  Then I thought of dressing that chunky baby up in something cute for Halloween... possible a round little pumpkin.  Cute, right?

And then... I had my first baby, and he was 3 lbs 4 oz.  Nearly 2 month later, as Halloween rolled around he was anything but chunky.  He was maybe 5 or 6 pounds.  Maybe we should have gotten him a skeleton costume.

L - Halloween 2007

Fast forward 4 years, and I'm pregnant again, and everyone is telling me that I'll probably have a 10 pounder to make up for the tiny one before.  Of course, you know what really happened.  I had a small baby, again... and while she was much bigger than "L" she is still a peanut.

I long for her to be a round, chunky pumpkin for Halloween, but she will probably look more like her brother did above for Halloween. 

And a part of me grieves that... as stupid as it may be.  I have small babies, they struggle to grow inside, and once out they struggle to eat and grow on the outside.  They will never be little rolls of flesh, never be round, chunky pumpkins.  One of the characteristics of Turner syndrome is short stature.  The average height of a girl with Turner syndrome is 4 feet 7 inches.  Lily is a peanut and will continue to be a peanut.  It is in her genetic make up.  There is nothing I can do to change that.

We have been having regular weight check ups.  I call them reverse Weight Watchers, because it is like weighing in, except you are hoping for a gain.  Strange world for this lifetime member, that's for sure.  As of yesterday she is up to 6 pounds 8 ounces!  I rejoice for every ounce.  Unfortunately, yesterday she was diagnosed with reflux, and is now on Prilosec.  I really hope this makes eating for her more enjoyable (like it is for me HA HA!), since she has been screaming bloody murder, and painfully spitting up through her nose for at least the past couple weeks.

Nope... Lily will not be my chunky pumpkin for Halloween this year, and deep down inside for some stupid reason that makes me really sad.  But I knock myself upside the head for feeling that way, and thank my lucky stars for everything Lily will have.  Lily won't have have height but she will have:
Average intelligence.
The ability to walk.
The ability to talk.
She'll hear music.
She'll be able to see a sunset.
A perfect heart.
Working kidneys
A big brother that loves her
A mommy and daddy that would do anything for her
An awesome support system to get her through whatever life has in store for her.
And she lives in a day and age where technology would allow her to someday have her own child... if she wanted to!

Yes, my daughter will never be big, but compared to what could have been... who cares!

Its Saturday night... and I'm exhausted!  Too many early mornings - 4 am, where I'm woken up by a 3 year old that begs me to "cover him up" because he's kicked off his covers.  Then... I can't go back to sleep.

At my weigh in on Thursday I was up 1 pound... oh well.  Mandatory weigh in for the month = done, and I'm free for the month of February because I am 7 pounds below my goal weight.  Yay for that!

Made it to the gym 4 times this past week - including 40 minutes on the treadmill today.  Wanted to make 5, but skipped yesterday to go out for Mexican for lunch... uh... yeah... guess what I'm real too!

I have a couple of giveaways in the works, but see the first comment about exhausted in getting them together.  I hope to pull them together in the next week or so.  You won't believe the free stuff people want to send you sometimes when you have a blog.  OK, maybe you will... but I was thinking I would actually get cool stuff... ha!  OK, sometimes I have gotten cool stuff, but this past week I was sent Green Giant veggies in a giant box with dry ice.  They probably didn't need the ice considering the weather... I like veggies... so I guess this is a good thing to get free veggies in the mail.

I made balsamic chicken with brown butter ravioli, and a warm spinach salad for dinner.  Major comfort food... majorly yummy.  I should have taken pictures to post, but I ate it instead.  Oops.  I promise to share the recipe soon, if you promise not to chastise me for not having pictures.

The Superbowl is tomorrow... do you find this a hard eating day... like Thanksgiving, or does it not matter to you?  How do you cope with it?  Me... we are are making mini-mushroom Swiss sliders out of lean beef, and having baked fries.  I did make lemon bars because I really wanted some, but they are only 4 PointsPlus each... I can handle that.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend.