Its Thursday... which means I weighed myself for the first time since starting back to counting Points last Thursday. 

Overall, my week was really good.  I followed the plan.  I measured my food.  I stopped eating candy.  Probably the only thing that I didn't do was drink the amount of water I should have.. but, I was close.

So... when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was really hopeful.  But instead what I got was a weight that was up .1 of a pound.  I blinked, and laughed thinking I must have screwed up and I got off and stepped on again... same number, 215.1.  I can't believe it.  I'm PISSED!  No, make that I'm PISSED AS HELL!  Can you tell I'm mad?

I really can't figure it out, but what it does is makes me 100% distrust the Points Plus program.  And even more it makes me distrust my body.  When bodies were being handed out, I got the lemon, and unlike a car I don't think there is a lemon law anywhere for bodies.

In fact, I was so mad about it that I sat in my bed and cried about it for a good hour this morning.  I actually lost less weight this week, than last week when I was not doing Weight Watchers and was mindlessly eating Halloween candy.  My mind says then maybe I should just go back to eating candy.  Yeah, I know, that's just stupid.

This is like living through my worst fear... I that I will NOT be able to lose weight again. 

I'm really not sure what to do from here.  I know I can't give up, but I seriously cannot put in the effort and willpower that losing weight takes without getting a payoff for doing it.

I am confused, and angry, and scared.  I don't like how I look and how I feel.  This stinks!
Please excuse me while I put a pan of brownies in the oven...

I am just so tired. 
I am just so sad.  I hope its hormonal or something.  Its the worst its been since the Bubble Burst.  I am so incredibly tired, I want to hibernate or something.  Its been nearly 3 months that I've been living with this supposedly doomed pregnancy.
I am tired of the doctors. 
I am tired of Thursdays.
I am sick and tired of the gooey ultrasound gel.
I am tired of dreading my blood pressure.
I am tired of watching my weight go up.
I am tired of watching the ultrasound screen and waiting for the words from the doctor.
I am tired of knowing what a good arterial measurement is, and what a normal volume of fluid is.
I am tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I am tired of being jealous of people with perfect pregnancies bringing home perfect babies.
I am tired of thinking about this.
I am tired of wondering what is going to happen.
I am tired of worrying about getting cut open.
I am tired of sleeping like crap.
I am tired of peeing so much.
I am tired of getting heartburn and wondering if its the beginning of HELLP.
I am tired of the doom and gloom
and... yet at the same time I am tired of people that act as if nothing is wrong.
I am tired of living in my own skin.
I am tired of not drinking wine and eating blue cheese.
I am so incredibly tired, and I don't think I'm going to feel relief any time soon.

P.S - I have nothing to report from the doctor's visit today.  Status Quo.  Blood pressure 131/81, up 1 pound this week.

Reading this on incourage today, really got me thinking about plans.  The author, Sara Frankl, says in the article that, "The truth is that if you are still breathing, He still has plans for you..."  I woke up this morning, and was still breathing, despite the oppressive humidity.  And my sweet baby girl - who is ALMOST 29 weeks - was still kicking.  As I read those words, and they hit me smack between my dry and tired eyeballs!

Here's the thing about HIS plans.  I really don't want to accept them.  I am tired of the "I'm sure there are great plans for this baby", or "God always has a plan".  What about my plans?

My plan to lose weight, and have an amazing perfect pregnancy because of it.
My plan to know what it is finally like to take a baby home from the hospital a few days after its born.
My plan to breastfeed normally instead of having an almost illicit affair with a breast pump.
My plan to buy lots and lots of cute pink clothes, and finally get to buy one of those gorgeous little girl Christmas dresses.
My plan to give "L" a sister than he can love, run, jump, and play with.

What about those plans?  Doesn't anyone, including God, care about my plans?  I have been waiting for over 6 years now for any of this to work out easily.  I have done everything I could to control the situation - including losing 115 pounds!  I did everything ever asked or required of me to make sure MY PLANS came to fruition.

And in the end?  I find out I'm not in control.  I was never in control.  Talk about frustration!
Once upon a time, I had some plans - I wanted a baby.  But first I suffered through a miscarriage and infertility.  Then when I thought I had it all under control, I almost lost my life the night my son was born to a rare disorder that strikes about .2% of pregnancies.  In the months that followed I could not understand the why of it all.  It was all so unfair and traumatic  But... 3 years ago from that moment I knew exactly why it happened.  I knew that his plans were bigger and better than my plans.  I was humbled.
I heard someone say today "God doesn't always give us what we want, he gives us what we need." 
I'm not sure what he thinks I need right now.  I feel like I need a good appointment, no more bad news, and to have a perfect baby like 99.9% of everyone else seems to, but maybe that is just more what I want.  I do know that the night my son was born, I didn't know what I needed then either. 

This is not what I want.  These are not my plans.  I don't like it.  I don't understand it.  I certainly hope someday I will.

I’d like to share something that’s been on my heart. Please be assured that this is NOT targeted at any one person. This is just a commentary on things I hear day after day after day, that are wearing on my soul. This post is for me, it is not for you. I know that people’s comments, whether in real life, on facebook, blog comments, or email are meant to encourage. I really do. I am trying to look at the intent of people’s comments versus the content, but after enduring this now for a couple of months, I feel I need to address two common misconceptions I hear when people find out about our pregnancy situation. This post will be a two-parter – this is the first part. I am certainly not a theologian, so take this as my junior interpretation of what is probably the most controversial book in history.

I often receive comments from people (and I’m not just talking blog comments here) that “God will not give you more than you can handle.”   Honestly, I don't find this helpful… or even beyond that it isn’t even TRUE!

I personally didn’t think I’d ever read that in the Bible. So… I visited my trusty friend, Google, and looked it up. What I found was that this is one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible. The actual verse that people are thinking of is this:

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
I Corinthians 10:13

Nope… not the same meaning! I had often thought that maybe the opposite was true – that we are purposefully given more than we can handle, so we can both grow and turn to God. Thanks to this great blog article, I found this like-minded thinker, and this verse:

“For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.”
2 Corinthians 1:8-9

So… God might give us more than we can handle.

From a place of deep honesty, right now, God has given me WAY more than I, Sarah, can handle. I admit it. I am powerless, I am weak. I’m on the verge of a break down every day. I can’t even begin to think a month into the future, because I break down! I can’t begin to imagine how I will endure if this baby dies, and also if this baby lives. In all reality, it appears that we are going to be put through a ringer of hospital stays and surgeries in the coming year, maybe even YEARS. I have a full time job, I have bills to pay, and I have a 3 year old that needs me too. I can’t handle this… it is too much for me to bear. But every day I make it through somehow. Every day, I know that hundreds of people are lifting me and my family up in prayer. Many of you I don’t even know, but know this – some days it is those prayers that are the ONLY things that I know must be carrying me, because I certainly am NOT carrying myself.

So…God gives us way more than we can handle sometimes, but he is faithful to carry us through. That is a truth I believe.

Some days I have a really hard time not being bitter.  It's the type of feeling that invades your soul.  I can feel it seize my insides and fill me with hate at times.  Sometimes to the point where I feel physically sick.  I don't like it.  It is an attack on my being and my soul.  I can feel it start happening, and I brace myself, and try to rid myself quickly of the feeling.

Lately it has been about vacations.  I'm not even talking big, fancy go to Hawaii type of vacations.  I'm talking a few precious days, even spent lounging in the sun around the local pool types.  Its pretty much summer, and school is now officially out around here, and all I hear constantly everywhere I go is the chatter about summer and vacations.  Vacations are a part of a normal, happy, family life.  Everyone needs time to relax and recharge.

And there is my problem - normal life ..... happy..... family .... those things are not in my vocabulary right now.  I'm abnormal.... sad .... broken.  

To hear and watch families all giddy about their vacations makes me bitter.  It makes me realize that I have no vacation time this year as it will all be used up to help with my "maternity leave" - whatever that might be, and to cover my oodles of Dr. appointments.  And... that would be OK, if I would be guaranteed a healthy, live baby at the end of that.  But I'm not.  Even if I could take time off, I wouldn't be allowed to go more than an hour away, as I'm on travel restrictions right now per my doctor.  Just imagine if that was your every day reality. 

So... I listen and I watch, and I find myself filled with emotions that I don't like:  bitterness, envy, hatred, even self-loathing.  It's hard to live with those feeling for long.  I figured acknowledging it here was my first step towards figuring out how to deal with it. 

I only wish for one day I could once again walk around in a normal world, and do normal things - like vacations.  Someday... someday I hope I can do that again.  It's simply a reminder of how quickly life can change - how uncertain life can be, and how precious every single jab and kick I feel really is.

Uninspiring... that's how I feel despite the wonderful comments that you guys always leave for me.
 
Maybe its because I gained 2.6 pounds on Thursday at my weigh in, despite being on plan all week.
Maybe its because we've had so much snow and cold this year already and its not even officially winter yet. 
Maybe its because I've had so much at work and and in life going on.
Maybe its because I miss my family this time of year.
Maybe its because I missed every light to and from work yesterday.
Maybe its because my hormones are seriously messed up.
Maybe its because I had to pay my son's hospital bill from the MRI yesterday - in December of all months.
Maybe its because my 3 year old is crabby and sassy and waking up in the middle of the night asking me to "help him sleep."
Maybe its because its dark at 4:15 pm.
Maybe its because I just can't get into the groove of the new Weight Watchers plan - it seems like endless work, and endless time that I just don't have right now.
Maybe its because I'm on my third Christmas party in a week.
Maybe its because sometimes I secretly want to give up, to not care so much.
Maybe its because I feel bloated and my jeans were tight today.
Maybe its because I sometimes feel really alone.
Maybe its because Christmas is one week away and I still have to wrap everything.
Maybe its because I hate my stupid, broken, - did I mention stupid, body.
Maybe its because I didn't let myself eat a monster cookie yesterday.
Maybe its because I'm having trouble sleeping.

Can you tell I'm in a bad place?  I'm in a bad place with a shitload of cookies and candy in my house too.  NOT GOOD!  Its taking everything I have not to sit down with a whole tin, and eat it. 

I ask myself - Will it solve anything?  Will it truely fill what I'm looking for?  Will it help me get what I want?  No, No, and No.  Do I sometimes still take a bite?  Yep... I am still a human, even if I've lost 116.6 - 2.6 pounds.  I still think like a fat person.

Emotions never go away, the desire to eat yourself through them continues to rear its ugly head.  My response though now, its different.  I don't eat the whole tin before I recognize that I'm not really hungry, I only eat half.
Victory is progress.
Success is progress.
This is a lifelong journey.  There is no end.
Progress NOT Perfection!

I have to be honest with you guys...


Wow... shouting that out loud actually really helped.  Now deep breaths.

So, I warned you I wasn't a fan of change, and I will admit my head wasn't in the best place coming in to this, but I promised to give it a chance.... I mean I don't have alot of other choices other than gaining all my weight back, and that isn't going to happen... EVER!  I am still giving it it's chance.  If I would have written this yesterday - just couldn't bring myself to - it would have sounded even more whiny, but luckily 24 hours have passed and I've finally finished overhyperventilating (that cannot possibly be a word) about the following things:

• Wine is 4 points for a serving.  It used to be 2.  Excuse me?  As I posted on my facebook status yesterday:  "The person that decided that is on my list... and not the list where I send you a Christmas gift."  I like wine.  I really do.  So does my sister, remember?  Maybe it runs in the family?  Although, I'm pretty sure my dad drank Coors Light, and my mom is a Bloody Mary person for sure!  Sorry mom, I guess that's on the Internet now too.  So, I'm not sure why wine is now double the points, but I still don't like it any more than I did yesterday.  I am dealing much better now with it though after a couple of glasses.
• My Thomas Bagel Thin - formerly 1 point, and 1 Tbsp of peanut butter (formerly 2 points) breakfast is now 6 points!  Cry, whine, sad, sucks, boo hiss.  'Nuff said.
• There does not appear to be 1/2 points.  Do you super-type "A" Weight Watchers trackers know what I mean?  Oh... no one raised their hand... guess I'm secretly the only one.  Well... in case you don't, eTools used to let you sometimes do 1/2 points.  For instance 1/4 cup of shredded cheese was 3 points on the old plan, if you did 1/8 cup it was 1.5 points, its now 2 on the new plan.  Everything seems to round up (maybe not true, but that is how it seems to me right now).

Given all that, I managed my first day on the new plan (Monday), and I'm almost done living through my second.  A few other things I'll point (ha ha bad unintentional pun) out:

• My new daily points target according to eTools is 29.  So I do get 6 more points a day than I used to, but I don't get double (as everything seems to be)!
• Fruit is all 0 points, even bananas.  People in the Weight Watchers world seem to be going crazy happy about this.  I find that funny.  I mean I love bananas as much as the next person, but seriously, did you see the points value of wine?  That is what we should focus on people.  New strategy... if I want more than 1 glass of wine a day I must eat only bananas for breakfast and lunch.
• Fruit is 0 points, but 1 cup of peas is 3 points?  That was a bad dinner mistake.  Too bad peas are the only vegetable my husband and child will actually eat.
• On the bright side of things, the weekly points allowance is 49 - up from 35, and it seems that activity points are sometimes higher.  For instance 25 minutes of running used to earn me 3 activity points, now its 5.  I see more wine in my future.
• Points are no longer figured using calories as a guide.  They are figured with some super secret formula that top secret scientists, obviously much smarter than myself, and most definitely non-drinkers came up with using:  total carbs, fiber, fat, and protein NOT calories.

Thanks for listening to my whine. 
I KNOW I will be OK on this plan.  Let me say that again, so I can start to talk myself into believing it.  I KNOW I will be OK on this plan.  I know that it is a good plan.  I do trust Weight Watchers.  All that said, it is going to definitely take some getting used to, that's for sure.  I am not crazy about the timing.  So many things coming up during the holidays that I don't even feel I can estimate the points for.  I feel like I'm in my first week again, knowing nothing. 

The worst part is that I am scared to eat.  Yes I am.  I don't automatically know the points value of a food, and I'm fearful of eating it and finding out some crazy number- like the wine and the peas.  Guess I'll be eating lots of fruit for awhile (good luck finding anything good in Minnesota this time of year).

Anyone else out there try the new PointsPlus plan already?  What do you think?

Tonight I feel like the world is out to sabotage me - to derail my weight loss efforts - to keep me fat and to make me fatter!  I just feel like no one is making this even the slightest bit easy for me.  OK, I realize no one said this was going to be easy.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it is the hardest thing I've EVER had to do in my life.  But still... could I get a little help please?

Why do I feel this way... Let's review:

• Injured my back this week... having to "take it easy" on the exercise.  I HATE moving less... now that was weird coming out of my keyboard. 
• My dear husband brought home the most delicious loaf of homemade ciabatta bread from the farmer's market yesterday.  Yes, we have olive oil and basil and tomatoes too... Yes I had 6 1/2 pieces of bruschetta as my appetizer tonight.  Yes there is nothing more I LOVE in the universe than fresh baked WHITE bread.  Be still my heart.  Thanks honey... or maybe not.
• Corporations that don't "respect" my order... and here is where I'm going to "go off."  In the last 2 weeks I have no less than 4 times been sabotaged by corporations selling me their food and drinks.  I've asked for something, and when I drove away or walked away I realized my order was not filled correctly.  It seems to be an issue with coffee places for some reason.  Please know this, I LOVE COFFEE!  I drink lots of it, in all sorts of forms.  But please for the love of God people when I ask for sugar-free or skim or whatever it is, please know that I'm not doing it because I just love the way that "sugar-free" rolls off the tip of my tongue.  No, I'm actually asking for sugar free because I take the medicine Glucophage.  It's a type 2 diabetic medicine.  I am not a type 2 diabetic... yet, but I have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which has given me insulin resistance, which makes me act like a type 2 diabetic... hope that all made sense.  Because I take the lovely medicine, glucophage,  when I ingest sugar a portion of it is blocked from my system, making sugary syrups in coffee my nemesis.  So please for the love of God give me the sugar free frappacino, the sugar free syrup.  Dear Starbucks, I love you, but you pissed me off tonight.  I wanted the lite frappacino.  After years of drinking the fat laden, sugar-laden ones, I know the difference between a lite and a regular.  THAT WAS NOT A LITE FRAPPACINO!  But my husband that brought me the bread sure enjoyed it though.

There are other reasons... but I feel I've bestowed enough rage on you for one night.  I'm tired of losing weight.  I don't want to do it anymore... but I'm going to.

I feel alone tonight.  I feel like no one else has to struggle with these issues, with the wanting food, but not being able to have it. 

I feel like there is a big fat conspiracy to keep me fat!

P-S:  Down .2 at my weigh in.  SIGH... These last few pounds are going to take awhile, aren't they?