Yesterday was a bad, bad day.  Yes, I used two bads.  I get to.  It was just that type of day.  Nothing seemed to be going right.

So... in the interest of full disclosure, I'm going to give you a peek at what my Weight Watchers tracker looked like yesterday:




PointsPlus® Tracker entries

Friday, January 27, 2012

Morning
1/2 cup(s) uncooked old fashioned oats	4
1 Tbsp unpacked brown sugar	1
1 1/2 Tbsp ground flax seed meal	1
SF Vanilla Americano -- Cream	2
Subtotal	8
Midday
1/3 cup(s) cooked white rice	2
1/2 serving(s) sweet n spicy cashew chicken	4
Subtotal	6
Evening
Smashburger - Quick-added food	15
Fried Pickles - Quick-added food	6
Subtotal	21
Anytime
32 fl oz light beer	9
Subtotal	9
Food PointsPlus values total used	44
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0
Check off these important items daily:
Liquids Milk & Milk Products Fruit & vegetables Multivitamin/Mineral Healthy Oil Activity

Notes

© 2012 Weight Watchers International, Inc. © 2012 WeightWatchers.com, Inc. All rights reserved. WEIGHT WATCHERS and PointsPlus® are the registered trademarks of Weight Watchers International, Inc. and are used under license by WeightWatchers.com, Inc.

Now you might think my journal looked like that because of the previously mentioned no good, very bad day.  That is actually the farthest from the truth, so stick with me here.

For several weeks my husband has been asking me if we can go to Smashburger.  Now, I'm not sure if you know Smashburger, but it is delicious in my opinion.  They "fry" their burgers on a flat-top instead of grilling them.  They come loaded with the fixins.  They have garlic rosemary french fries and fried pickles for goodness sakes!  I ate there a lot when I'm pregnant.  Yes, Weight Watchers, feel free to thank Smashburger for the 40+ pounds I have to take off in order to get back to my goal weight.  Smashburger probably single handedly assured that I would never make it back to goal in the "free" 12 weeks I'm allowed after baby.  Anyways... its good, its greasy, and the small Smashburger with really no condiments except cheese is 15 Points+.  The Smashfries are 14 Points+.

So... my husband has been asking to go, and we have planned all week that last night would be THE NIGHT.  I have all my weekly points, I planned a healthy, filling breakfast, and a light lunch.  I didn't eat any snacks.  But then... impromptu happy hour struck... I drank beer... light beer, but a big beer!  But we had still planned to go to Smashburger, and so we did.  I ate a burger, but instead of fries I got the pickles... because they are way less points. 

I enjoyed my dinner, it tasted good.  It was worth it.  I planned this.  I chose this.  I am happy with this choice, and now I'm moving on.  This is Friday in my world.  This is real life.  Not sure what Friday in your world looks like, but I don't eat vegetable soup and carrot sticks.  I drink beer with friends and have a good time.  I eat Smashburger with my family.  I choose this.  This is not reflective of my bad day, this is not emotional eating.  This is reflective of a lifetime of changes and choices. 

These types of choices helped me lose 115 pounds. I chose ice cream and real cream in my coffee, and I made swaps other places to allow that to happen.  Its all about balance, and choices, and lasting change!

What do you choose?

Have an amazing weekend!

It is time.
It is time for me to fess up and face the facts that I'm 30 pounds over my goal weight, and I feel like a slug and a whale all rolled into one.
It is time for me to say that having no pants that fit, other than stretchy pants, stresses me out!
It is time for me to admit that I have eaten way too much candy corn in the past 3 days!
It is time for me to admit that I used to be a size 8, and I'm probably a 14 or maybe even a 16 right now.
It is time for me to admit that it is going to get cold in Minnesota soon and my warm Columbia Coat from last year is not going to fit, and I am going to freeze!

I'm 3 weeks postpartum and my body shape has completely changed.  I've always been an apple, but this pregnancy widened my back side and hips significantly.  I thought, oh, I'll just wear my pants with a Bella band, until I can zip them again, but the reality is my pants won't even go over my hips right now.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my self-esteem in in the crapper right now.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't care, because I do.  I really do.  Having no pants that fits sucks!

I'd be lying if I said that I am not stress/comfort eating right now.  Being home all day long with a newborn is not some sort of bliss, like you might be lead to believe.  It is boring sometimes, and tedious, and tiring, and crazy, and worth it all rolled into one.  I grab things here and there to eat when I have a free hand, which isn't that often.  I snack all day long, and not on carrots and cucumbers either!  When I do eat, its usually interrupted and fast, and I snarf something down and 30 minutes later forget that I actually ate, and repeat all over again.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my favorite food right now is white bread, toasted, with lots and lots of organic butter.  I say organic because that makes it better, right?

I'd be lying if I said that I have an organized plan to get off these 30 pounds, and fit into my clothes again.  I have some disorganized ideas in my head, but nothing concrete. 

I'd be lying if I said that I have any intention of exercising any time soon... read:  in the next year. 

I'd also be lying if I said that weight loss is my number one or even my number twenty priority right now.

Finally, I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little scared I'll never be able to lose this weight.  Wait... you say, aren't you the person that previously lost 115 pounds?  30 pounds should be like a walk in the park to you.  For some reason I can't seem to muster up that feeling inside of me that believes in myself to do this again.  That believes I can get back to that goal weight number ever again.

Just goes to show you that people that have lost a lot of weight in the past don't have any bigger secrets or any less problems, than the regular person out there that needs/wants to lose weight.

So there you have it... I'm 30 pounds overweight, have no clothes that fit, need my hair cut and my brows plucked, have acne like a teenager, and pretty seriously look like a mess! 

But... at least I'm being honest with myself, and for now, that's a step in the right direction.
I certainly thought this would be easier.

First, the good…
I am 3 weeks away from meeting our daughter.

My blood pressure yesterday was unbelievable! Now, note that I was laying down on my left side when they took it, but it was 95/65. No I did not type that wrong. I promptly informed them that their blood pressure machine wasn’t working, and we all had a good laugh.

The topic of yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was the State Fair. Boy… we must really be getting boring for our doctor.  Boring=good.

Our pediatric neurosurgeon will not be in town the scheduled day of my delivery, or the weekend following, but he feels that there will be no immediate need for surgery, and at the soonest it would be the next week if needed (yes I’m most definitely counting this under the good category).

Baby turned head down. You are probably wondering why this is good, given I’m having a C-section. I count it good, because she is doing something she is supposed to do (for once) SCORE!

It’s Friday, and we don’t have a ton going on this weekend for the first time all August, giving me time to prepare and time to rest and try to heal from my cold.

Next, the bad…
I feel fat… my maternity clothes fit horribly these days, and the super cute fall stuff in the stores is making me sad, because I want to buy it, but don’t fit, and won’t fit in any of it any time soon. I did buy a shirt on my lunch hour today, for some retail therapy.

I still have a horrible cold and it isn’t one bit better, since I got it on Monday night.

The ultrasound yesterday took a long time, because our baby would not do a limb extension to pass the “tone” part of the test. Also the tech had a hard time measuring the blood vessel in the brain because the baby is so low in my pelvis (see good above). These moments were a bit scary to say the least.

Last, the ugly….
I heard someone today complain about the sex of their baby. Seriously? And here is where I could go on a big rant… but instead I'm just going to say, "YOU SUCK!"   

Some jack hole spilled coffee on my tan colored pants at Starbucks this morning – he spilled his whole coffee on the floor while I was standing putting cream in mine. The really ugly part of this is I have 3 pairs of pants that currently fit, and now one is stained with coffee spots!

I am just so tired. 
I am just so sad.  I hope its hormonal or something.  Its the worst its been since the Bubble Burst.  I am so incredibly tired, I want to hibernate or something.  Its been nearly 3 months that I've been living with this supposedly doomed pregnancy.
I am tired of the doctors. 
I am tired of Thursdays.
I am sick and tired of the gooey ultrasound gel.
I am tired of dreading my blood pressure.
I am tired of watching my weight go up.
I am tired of watching the ultrasound screen and waiting for the words from the doctor.
I am tired of knowing what a good arterial measurement is, and what a normal volume of fluid is.
I am tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I am tired of being jealous of people with perfect pregnancies bringing home perfect babies.
I am tired of thinking about this.
I am tired of wondering what is going to happen.
I am tired of worrying about getting cut open.
I am tired of sleeping like crap.
I am tired of peeing so much.
I am tired of getting heartburn and wondering if its the beginning of HELLP.
I am tired of the doom and gloom
and... yet at the same time I am tired of people that act as if nothing is wrong.
I am tired of living in my own skin.
I am tired of not drinking wine and eating blue cheese.
I am so incredibly tired, and I don't think I'm going to feel relief any time soon.

P.S - I have nothing to report from the doctor's visit today.  Status Quo.  Blood pressure 131/81, up 1 pound this week.

Reading this on incourage today, really got me thinking about plans.  The author, Sara Frankl, says in the article that, "The truth is that if you are still breathing, He still has plans for you..."  I woke up this morning, and was still breathing, despite the oppressive humidity.  And my sweet baby girl - who is ALMOST 29 weeks - was still kicking.  As I read those words, and they hit me smack between my dry and tired eyeballs!

Here's the thing about HIS plans.  I really don't want to accept them.  I am tired of the "I'm sure there are great plans for this baby", or "God always has a plan".  What about my plans?

My plan to lose weight, and have an amazing perfect pregnancy because of it.
My plan to know what it is finally like to take a baby home from the hospital a few days after its born.
My plan to breastfeed normally instead of having an almost illicit affair with a breast pump.
My plan to buy lots and lots of cute pink clothes, and finally get to buy one of those gorgeous little girl Christmas dresses.
My plan to give "L" a sister than he can love, run, jump, and play with.

What about those plans?  Doesn't anyone, including God, care about my plans?  I have been waiting for over 6 years now for any of this to work out easily.  I have done everything I could to control the situation - including losing 115 pounds!  I did everything ever asked or required of me to make sure MY PLANS came to fruition.

And in the end?  I find out I'm not in control.  I was never in control.  Talk about frustration!
Once upon a time, I had some plans - I wanted a baby.  But first I suffered through a miscarriage and infertility.  Then when I thought I had it all under control, I almost lost my life the night my son was born to a rare disorder that strikes about .2% of pregnancies.  In the months that followed I could not understand the why of it all.  It was all so unfair and traumatic  But... 3 years ago from that moment I knew exactly why it happened.  I knew that his plans were bigger and better than my plans.  I was humbled.
I heard someone say today "God doesn't always give us what we want, he gives us what we need." 
I'm not sure what he thinks I need right now.  I feel like I need a good appointment, no more bad news, and to have a perfect baby like 99.9% of everyone else seems to, but maybe that is just more what I want.  I do know that the night my son was born, I didn't know what I needed then either. 

This is not what I want.  These are not my plans.  I don't like it.  I don't understand it.  I certainly hope someday I will.

Outside today the weather is deceiving.  You look and its sunny, but I ventured outside to see how my little veggie garden was doing this morning and it was really chilly - like need a Columbia fleece on chilly.
Sometimes I feel like my weight loss journey is that way lately.  I'm supposed to be a role model... I guess.  It's probably why you are reading this right now.  You want to be inspired by my 115 pound weight loss, so that you too, can lose weight.  It is probably no surprise I feel less than inspiring right now.  Maybe it is pregnancy hormones, maybe it is the uncertainty that each day brings around here in the last 4 weeks.  I'm not sure.

The one thing I do know is that I feel like I'm back to my old habits - soothing my hurts with food.  There, I admitted it.  I have been eating whatever I want lately, and since my nausea is 90% gone, its not just because I can't stomach healthy things anymore.  Its because it makes me feel better.  Its because the rest of life really just sucks so much right now, but good food is always good.  You know what I mean, right? 

I've always found good food comforting, but especially now, in the midst of probably the darkest time in my life, I am finding it especially comforting.  To the point where I am scared:

Scared that I won't be able to control this. 
Scared that I'll gain all my weight back.
Scared that I'll wake up one morning and be back to 281 pounds!
Scared that I'll never ever be able to lose my pregnancy weight.

So I eat another donut or muffin, or take a few Red Vines licorice from the bag, have a giant bowl of ice cream, or maybe a handful of chips (pass the dip please), allow myself the fries with lunch instead of choosing fruit.  Temporarily, it makes the scariness of those things, the frightening reality of this pregnancy and of my family's future, and the hurt, depression, and pain go away.  Sure... it only lasts as long as the bowl of ice cream or to the end of the licorice twist, but it is momentary relief - sweet relief (sometimes literally) - enough to get me through to the next day.

I want so bad to be in control. 
I AM NOT. 
I've gained 24 pounds in 23-1/2 weeks of pregnancy!  I feel uninspiring, full of self-loathing, and FAT! 

I want to say, NO MORE EXCUSES!  I will start to control myself, eat healthier, and throw away the licorice today.  That is what I have been about for the past 2 years.  That is the very reason why I lost this weight.  But, I know if I say that, I'll just be lying... to you... to myself.  I don't have any answers right now, and even while I feel this needs to be addressed, I really don't have the strength for any more big battles right now. 

1 year ago today I ran my first 5k ever - after only 7 weeks of training.  It was an amazing morning, shared with amazing people!  This morning, I am missing that feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, and of control in my life.  I am missing last year and the amazing things that happened in it.  I am wanting so bad to go back, to skip this time in my life, and relive 2010 instead.  I hope sometime soon to be tapped on the shoulder and woken up from what seems like an awful nightmare, but each day passes, and that never comes.

As the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Mandisa says:
There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
(Mandisa - He is with you)
So... this is certainly a different season in my life - the rules have changed - and sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my way around in the dark.  There was a time to run, and now this is a time to face it.  I know finding comfort in food won't change things.  I guess for now just knowing is enough.

I feel the need to clear something up. It is something that is just laying heavy on my own heart. I am not being defensive; this is just something I feel needs to be put out there.

This baby is 100% wanted and loved, regardless of any disabilities, differences, or difficulties that may come along with that. I desperately want to be given the opportunity to be a mom to this baby, to love her, to raise her, to encourage her, despite any difficulties or challenges that may come along with that. I am 100% appreciative of all the wonderful, personal stories of your own children or people you know that may have had a similar diagnosis/situation. Please don’t stop sending them, it is encouraging to me, and I reread many of the messages I have received over the past week daily. 

But… that is NOT my struggle.

I struggle daily with the fact that the chances of this baby being given an opportunity to even live are slim at best. Do you know what its like to be carrying a baby around in your body 24 hours a day as a part of yourself that has been given a death sentence? It’s horrible.  It's exhausting.  It's dark and depressing! It NEVER leaves your mind. NEVER. Brutally honest - It is by far the worst place I've ever been in my 34 years.  I am constantly monitoring movements, and when I don’t feel the baby for an hour, I start freaking out. It’s really a horrifying place to be. Constant fear, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  It makes for one exhausted, drained, and crabby person.  Some days I wonder how I can continue like this.  It makes every day a constant struggle - A struggle for hope, a struggle for just finding a few moments of peace. 

Yet, somehow in a haze, I have made it through the last 12 days.  Some days I really don't know how, but I am happy I have made it 12 days, and I know I have 9 more days left until the next ultrasound, where my expectations will again be reset.  I am both terrified and longing for that day.

I love this little girl… no matter what.

I wish my love and pain could fix her, because I have so much of both.  I wish I could fast forward to a further point in my pregnancy where it would be safe for her to be delivered, so doctors could help her better.  Right now I can't fix anything, but I do know that I am not one bit fearful of a future of raising her, I am fearful of a future without her at all.

That is my reality… and so I sit and wait for the unknown.  Knowing there are so many thoughts and prayers.  Feeling all of your love, and at the same time feeling VERY VERY alone.

I have SO much rambling around in my head, but I can't seem to organize any of it for a coherent post.  So maybe I'll just try a list:

- I lost .4 at my weigh in today.  Believe it or not I am OK with that.  I'm still 8 pounds below my goal weight.  I just have a lot going on right now.

- Speaking of a lot going on right now... I just switched my PointsPlus tracker to maintenance for awhile, as I really feel this is what I need to do right now.  There are some other things I'm going to focus on, rather than the number on the scale.  I'm OK with that.  WOW... that felt weird to say, but it is true.  I'm OK.

- I'm OK... yikes, the pure fact that I have to repeat that so many times in the past 5 sentences, must mean I am really not OK.  Yeah... I really am... I just have to stop myself hyperventilating sometimes. 

-- Speaking of hyperventilating, today I had to get some blood work done, and I just about had a freaking panic attack in the bathroom at the clinic.  You know what caused it?  The smell of the soap (Liz it still happens to me too 3-1/2 years later).  Its the raw, nose-tingling antiseptic soap smell from when "L" was in the NICU.  I thought I had that reaction under control, but apparently not.  It takes me to a bad place.  I managed to calm myself down with some positive thoughts and a prayer.  It helped, and now I'm OK.

- If you blog, do you ever think about how it is so weird to have your life splashed all out there on the Internet?  Today I got a hit on my blog from someone searching images - obese lady.  WOW... awesome.  I wonder what site my before picture will end up on now?  Oh well... I'm OK with it because I put my story out here to help people, inspire people, and let you know that you can do it, and yes, I too, still struggle every single day.

- I've been doing some interval work at the gym, and at the risk of offending a bunch of people, I have to say that walking on the treadmill makes me feel like a wimp - no offense to walkers, seriously.  This is just about me.  After running for so long, it just seems... well... strange.  And you know what?  I'm OK with that.

There you have it... RAW, REAL, and REALLY vague.  It's just how I am today, and I'm OK with that.  I really am.

I trust that you all had a fabulous holiday weekend.


If the fun of my Christmas was in direct proportion to the amount food I ate than I had a great one! A great thing for having a fun. A horrible thing for the way my pants feel this morning!

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, as long as it was special – something I normally don’t eat/have. Well… I guess I apparently was feeling a little suppressed, because everything was special and I had some. Honestly, though, most things really were things I don’t normally have:

Tamales – check
Beef Taquitos – check
Lots of Guacamole - check
Godiva Chocolate from my stocking – check check triple check!
Lefse – homemade by me – with butter or cheese and apple Gouda sausage – check
Cranberry Walnut Bread – check
Marzipan Stolen - check
So many pieces of fudge and lemon curd shortbread cookies that I lost count – again made by me check x 100
Various glasses of champagne, bloody Marys and other alcoholic beverages – check!
Homemade Chex Mix – gotta have it!
Cheesy Twice Baked Potatoes - check
Cherry Pie – check!

So there… you can see that, I too, am fallen.

I stand before you confessing my holiday food sins. Except guess what? I don’t feel much shame… maybe a little – mostly for the little bit of spillover I had into Sunday.

Yeah, my pants feel tight this morning, and I’m having a sugar hangover. I’m up 8 pounds (not kidding), most of which HAS to be water retention right? – think ham + alcohol = double whammy! The old me would have thrown in the towel for the rest of the year, which sounds way worse than it is at this point in the calendar. But the new me… she got up, showered, put the tight pants on, did her hair and makeup, made a breakfast of oatmeal and yogurt, worked out, turned down an invite to eat lunch out and instead ate a small ham sandwich, a banana, an orange, and some cucumbers, and drank 6 glasses of water today so far. She is moving on with …away from those few days of eating with abandon.

Good try ghosts of fat Sarah past… I know this trick you play… but you lose this time!

I win! I win because I did Christmas the way I wanted, and am still under goal (barely) and here to tell about it. So I’m up a few pounds… I know exactly what to do about that. I’m not going to let it get me down.

As I’ve said many times before… this is life and I intend on living it! Besides… it’s Monday

How are you recovering from Christmas, or do you even need recovery?

I had a run in with some chocolate chips last night. I was the running back just trying to make it into the end zone, and out of nowhere these chocolate chips tackled me. Can you even believe that?  I'll admit, it was a clean tackle. There were no penalties. I wasn’t running quite fast enough, and the other people on my team weren’t blocking for me. Then once I had been hit the chocolate chips, I figured I was already knocked down, and in my weak state the honey roasted peanuts finished me off (Ok, seriously honey roasted peanuts and chocolate chips taste amazing together, but I digress). This was NOT a dream, unfortunately - True Story.


Do you ever feel like that? You are doing great - running into the end zone for your touchdown and then bam out of nowhere you get hit. Maybe it is some trigger food calling you from the cupboard, or maybe your husband/wife/kids leaves an open bag of your favorite chips on the counter, or maybe its bigger than that - your kid is sick or in the hospital, or you are feeling sad because you can’t get a job, have a baby, get a date, fill in the blank with your own “tragedy of the moment”. Then since you are already down…you figure well… I just as well finish myself off, and you keep going, because what's the point anymore now?. Maybe you finish yourself off for a day, or a week… maybe a couple of months, or maybe just maybe a couple of years. Some might call this “falling off the wagon”. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean the only person we are hurting is ourselves.

It’s funny… we’d never stumble on one step and because of that throw our entire body head first down the stairs, would we? But yet we do this over and over in weight loss. We screw up one meal; just as well throw the day out, right? We screw up one day and just as well throw the whole week out, and once the week’s gone, just throw the whole month out. On and on it goes until we are back to where we started from, or worse… higher than where we started from. I’ve been there… and done that. I spent between 2000 and 2008 doing that. I have 8 good years of practice, so I think I actually qualify as an expert, right?

How can we reverse this cycle?
Well… I’ll tell you what I did. I determined that I would only focus on ONE meal at a time. I wouldn’t group my day together as a whole. At any time during the day I could “start over” if I wanted to. There was always the next meal to make better choices. I would never ever “wait until Monday” again. Admit it… how many of you have said, “I’ll start over again next Monday?”

STOP IT and Start today… Start right now this minute!

Think about where you might be one year from now if you started today.

You could be 50 pounds or even maybe 100 pounds down!

You could be at goal.

Your life could be changed.

Don’t you want that for yourself? Don’t you deserve it?

So what did I do after the chocolate chips tackled me last night and the honey roasted peanuts hit me while I was still down? I took my vitamins, drank a glass of water, forgave myself, and went to bed. This morning I woke up and ate a sensible breakfast and had an appropriate lunch. I’m planning on a healthy soup for dinner. Even if the chocolate chips attack me again tonight or the next day, I know that I’ve learned enough in the past 2 years to know that I will never “wait until next Monday” again.

I'm having a hard day today.  Actually mostly  just a hard evening/late afternoon.
I feel like I need a true confession... and this is MY blog so here it is, since 3:30 today I have eaten:

• 1 Kellogg's Antioxidant Peanut/Chocolate Granola Bar - 2 points
• Light Mocha Frappacino @ Starbucks - 2 points (thank you Starbucks for healthier options)
• 3 Townhouse crackers - 1 point
• A pinch of blue cheese - who's counting?
• mini slice of french bread with pesto and sliced up cherry tomatoes - 1.5 points
• 4 pieces of bacon - 5.5 points
• 3 pieces of white bread - Lord only knows
• 2 Tbsp Hellman's light mayo - 2.6 points
• A cup of lettuce - redemption?
• 1 large tomato
• 1/2 cup of grapes - veggie/fruit servings - check those off for the day!
• graham cracker with Nutella... more Nutella on a knife, and some peanut butter mixed in for good measure. - Stopped counting...
• A few lick of my finger wiped in the leftover bacon pan - Wonder what the points value is for that?
• 1 large marshmallow - then 1/2 a one I didn't remember having.

So I sit now and I feel embarrassed to even post this.  I dig deep into myself, and all of the 4,287 100 Weight Watchers meetings I've been to over the past 2 yeas, and I ask myself the question we ALWAYS talk about - the one I routinely want to ignore:
What am I hungry for? 
What am I looking for?  Because obviously food isn't filling that hole.  Yep obviously.

I think tonight I'm looking for control.  I want control over my life.  Yesterday I hurt my lower back... twisted wrong, picked up my son, walked too fast, bent over, and ugh!  Not sure which one of those things ... or maybe all of them.  I ended up at the chiropractor this afternoon.  He adjusted me, told me to ice it, and take it easy for a few days.  No!!!  Exercising is needed... it is one thing I can control.  I don't want to "take it easy for a few days."  NO NO NO!  I just joined a new gym for goodness sakes.  Stupid back.  Stupid monkey wrench into my week.  Just as well throw it all down the toilet, right? 

Tonight I want control - My little boy is sick... running a 103 fever last time I checked.  If you are a parent without family/friends around that don't work, and your kid gets sick on a Monday you know the sinking feeling I have in my heart tonight.  Even if you are a parent at all, you know how much it sucks when your "baby" gets sick.

Tonight I want control.  Watching Unwrapped on TV I wanted to eat all of the curly fries, giant cookie pizzas, and ice cream sundaes.  I want to eat it and not have to worry about points, not have to worry about gaining weight.  Not have to struggle so DAMN hard sometimes!  I want to be skinny, and forget about fat.  I want to be a "skinny person", never worrying about gaining weight.  Even if my outside is thin, I feel like I will always be "fat." 

Tonight I want control... and I don't have it, so I ate to prove I was in control.  HA HA... I guess the joke's on me, isn't it?