You know the song - it's playing in your head right now isn't it?  #sorrynotsorry
But seriously... worth... self-worth.  It's a bigger issue/topic than you probably think.

Right now I want you to go to the mirror and look at yourself.  Can you look at yourself and honestly say "I LOVE YOU!"?

Even though over the last 5+ years I've gotten fatter and fatter (yes shock the "F" word!), I've learned to love myself and treat myself with the respect that I deserve.  Do I always look in the mirror and say "I LOVE YOU!" ?  Nope!  But I try to, and I've learned along the way that I'm worthy of taking care of myself even if I'm overweight.

I've taught myself how to actually apply makeup the right way (Thanks  YouTube)!
I purchased myself some lovely jewelry.
I finally decided to do something about my hairy face (Thanks PCOS) and get it waxed
I learned how to do my brows.
I learned how to dress myself at the weight that I'm at - and look damn good doing it!
I learned to walk with confidence regardless of my size.
I learned to speak up for myself, and be comfortable striking up a conversation with someone new.

Were these things always easy?  Nope.  I mean forcing myself into social situations and striking up new conversations with someone was basically torture.  But you know what? I'm worth it.  I'm fun, I have value to add to someone's life, and I deserve to be heard just like the skinny girl.
I deserve to have kick ass makeup and clothes.
I deserve to have a flattering haircut and be pampered
I deserve a killer pair of boots or heels.
I deserve a full body massage without shame.
I deserve to wear something a little or a lot sexy.
I deserve to walk into a store and not have to shrink to the back to the hidden plus size section!

I'm worth it.
You are worth it!
You deserve it too!  Never forget that.



Because you can't work on the outside until you've worked on the inside.

Now... your mission should you choose to accept it is to write yourself a love letter.  Yep, I said write yourself a love letter.  Then put it away someplace and open it up in around 6-12 months and read it to yourself.

Comment below that you've written yourself a love letter and next week on Wednesday I'll choose 1 person to win a fun beauty product from my stash of things I love!

Now head on over to my Facebook page tonight to get some fashion tips from yours truly!

Weight loss after pregnancy is really nothing like weight loss before pregnancy - at least it hasn't been for me.  Maybe it should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't.  I was not prepared for this.  I had no clue that it would be this hard.  It seems like other women lose at least 20 lbs as they exit the hospital... I lost 5! 

I breastfed expecting the weight to fall off, and I gained back the 5 pounds I lost after birth.

And now... here I am, with a baby that turns 11 months (how is that possible?) next week.  I find myself planning her first birthday and I'm still 20 pounds over my Weight Watchers goal weight.  While I'm sure that Weight Watchers is loving making money off of me I'm sick of paying... again!

Initially in the process, I was frustrated.  I aired my complaints several times.  I went through periods of trying really hard with very minimal results.  I kicked, I screamed, I whined.  I glanced over at the rows of pants that didn't fit me, the ones that just hung there - mocking me!  I finally packed up all of my clothes, and bought new ones. 

And then... glorious acceptance came.  Yes, I was over my goal weight, but there was a beautiful miracle in my life as a result of it.  I stopped beating myself up, after stepping on the scale.  I stopped hating myself when I looked in the mirror.  I started sleeping better, and enjoying the small moments, and reminding myself about the bigger picture.  I told myself it doesn't matter if this takes a month, a year, or a decade - down is down.  And you know what?  A funny thing happened.  I started losing weight just a little better than I was before. 

No... it's not fast, and I do some see-sawing, but I am seeing progress.  I am now less than a pound from being down 25 pounds since I started back to Weight Watchers, and I am officially less than 20 pounds away now from being back to my goal weight.

As I see Lily's first birthday looming in the not so distant future, the initial goal I set out for myself is definitely unreachable.  But that's OK, because I am making progress, little by little.  I've decided to enjoy the journey, enjoy life, and focus on the progress, not the struggles.  Focus on the pants that do fit me, and not the pants that are boxed up in the basement.

I am happy - with myself, with my life. 
And some days I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a cheering section like this.

YAY Mommy!

Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

OK... almost wordless Wednesday, because I have to admit that I have been down in the dumps and stumped about my weight loss - or lack thereof the past couple of weeks, but one glance at this picture, and I am reminded that every single pound I gained was worth it!

So last week I was whiny... really whiny.  It happens.  I posted this.  I was hating my body... hating my weight.  I was feeling like it was all really unfair.  And then, I got exactly what I needed, this comment:

Valerie (seattlerunnergirl)said...

I know you might want to smack me for this, but I would trade every one of those 40 pounds for your daughter in a heartbeat. Or, rather, I think you would. If given a choice between whether you could erase the last year AND the weight, but in so doing you'd have to give up your little girl, I'm pretty sure you'd choose to keep Lily and the weight. It just sucks that you can't have BOTH Lily AND your goal weight right now. But you will eventually. I'm believing it for you AND for me because I'm pretty much in the same place.

Don't you hate those people... those women?   You know the kind I mean... the kind that lose 10 pounds in 1 week.  The kind that gain 40 pounds while they are pregnant and are back in their pre-pregnancy size by the end of their maternity leave. 

I have read one too many stories lately about women like this.  I hate it.  Sorry if this is you... don't take it personally, but from where I stand it is unfair.

Over 3 months ago I gave birth to a 5 pound 9 ounce little pink angel.  Sitting here tonight I weigh 4 pounds less than the day she was born.  I did not lose 10 pounds in 1 week, in fact, I don't even weigh less than her birth weight.  I have been done with maternity leave for a month, and I can tell you am I still double my pre-pregnancy size.  I feel completely alone.  It seems like no one else seems to have this problem.  Why do I feel like the only woman in the world that has had a baby, gained weight, and barely lost any of it?  I am frustrated and ticked off!

I have been perfectly on the Weight Watchers eating plan so far this week... even over the weekend.  Stepping on the scale this morning - and yes it is NOT my weigh in day, and yes I know I shouldn't weigh myself so often, so go away already - revealed that I have lost nothing since last Thursday.

There are so so many nights I want to throw in the towel, to forget it.  But then I remember that I said I #Believe.  There are so many nights I look at this:

My after Oct 2010

and it stings my eyes... it hurts! I want her back. She was so happy and skinny and naive. She didn't carry around a chip on her shoulder or feel the sting when completely strangers make negative comments about how her baby is so tiny for her age. She didn't know the pain and hurt and anxiety of a pregnancy "gone wrong". She had so much hope that things would work out, that her perfect story would be written. She didn't think she'd gain that much weight while pregnant. She also didn't think she'd have 28 ultrasounds, 1 amnio, and 1 MRI! She thought whatever weight she did lose would fall off in a couple of months. 

What a difference a year makes:

Starting over - 40 pounds heavier - Jan 2012 At least she is still smiling... who wouldn't holding that perfect peanut!

And at the end of the day the only thing that sometimes keeps me going is the perspective that at least I am no longer this:

My "before" Fall 2006

And there is no way in hell I'm going back there.

There are some days I can't stand to look at myself.  I feel sad.  I feel betrayed by life... I kick and scream, "It's not fair!"  I did my work before, and now I'm here - fat again.  I am tired of trying to lose weight.  I don't want to be back at the beginning of this again.  It feels impossible.  I'm tired of hearing about 5+ pound weight losses, when that is not my reality.

I want to blink my eyes in be back at my goal weight.  I want to blink my eyes and realize I had a terrible dream... that 2011 was one big, terrible dream. 

But that isn't going to happen.  My reality is not going anywhere.  And so... for one more day I deal with it.  I trudge along realizing that it is going to take me way longer than I ever thought to lose this weight again, and possibly even longer to deal with my emotions and anxiety, that my daughter is going to be a small peanut her whole life and I just need to find a witty comeback, and that perfection, easy perfect pregnancies, and large weekly weight losses ... those are for the unlucky ones; For
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

Yesterday was my week 1 weigh in after starting back to Weight Watcher's meetings.  I was so happy to lose 3.4 pounds!  It was exactly the victory that I needed after trying a few weeks ago and have less than stellar results.  I am feeling confidence in myself and the Points Plus plan.

I had a good week, I had 2 parties/events that had food that I attended, and they didn't derail me, but I still had fun.  I was so much more conscious about what I was putting in my mouth.  It feels so good to know that I CAN do this again.  I feel renewed strength and energy.  I know I will get back to my goal weight, but I will not be surprised or annoyed if it takes me about a year.  I have 40 more pounds to lose.  This is not an easy journey, but as I've always said... its worth it.  I am worth it... we are worth it!

When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting... no matter how small... I am reminded why I am there, and why it is so important for me.  Yesterday there were only a handful of people at my meeting - a sign of the season for sure, but there were so many great ideas and conversation.  To be with other people that are real in their struggles is so important for me.  Our leader was a fill in, because CWWL was away for Christmas, and she was a spit-fire!  I loved her!  She told us that people that attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 50% more weight than those that try to do it alone, or online. 

Now, don't get me wrong... if that works for you, then great!  But I know for me, I have to be in that meeting.  The 2 years I was losing my 115 pounds I missed only a handful of meetings and those were because I was usually on vacation.  I know now in retrospect that meetings were the #1 key to my weight loss.  I feel so much stronger after them, I feel understood, I have more willpower.

As we are 2 days away from Christmas, I am not going to promise you I will be perfect.  This week my goal is to maintain or gain less than 1 pound.  It is Christmas after all.. there is lefse to be eaten, and chocolate chip cookie dough balls to be tasted.  If it's a 9 or a 10... I will probably eat some.  But I will make sure I love it, and I won't stretch out Christmas Eve and day into a week or even longer. 

I feel strong... I feel ready FINALLY... I am ready for the final chapter of this journey.  This time it isn't about my desire for another child, like before Lily, this time it is about me, and making me the best me I can be.  40 pounds should be a piece of cake after 115, right?

May your holidays be Merry and Bright!

Tonight I did something I have needed to do for awhile, but I was in complete denial.  I packed up all of the clothes (which is pretty much all my pants/skirts/dresses) that don't fit me right now, into containers, and put in the basement.  I felt a couple of small tears fall down my face as I did it. 

There was the beautiful navy Ann Taylor nautical jacket I coveted for 2 months last year, and when it went 50% off I bought it for myself in a size 10 last January.  Fun little size 8 skirts, and the dress that I rocked at my nieces wedding last January.  All packed away!


I know I sound shallow to be disappointed about such things, especially after having gone through this past year, and realizing that the important things in life are certainly not material!  You'd think I would just be so thankful that I got to nourish my sweet, precious Lily in this body for over 37 weeks, when we were told at 19 weeks that would not be the case.  Yes.. you'd think I wouldn't care.  But I do. 

I look back at blog posts, and see how proud I was of myself and running, meeting goals, hitting 100 pounds lost, rocking size 8 pants and medium shirts!  Since I started Weight Watchers in October of 2008, I managed to lose 115 pounds and in the process finally find myself... discover that being fat no longer defined me.  I oozed confidence for the first time in my life.  I didn't shy away from things as much because I wasn't fat anymore.  Now... I've managed to lose myself again.  I feel like a blob has swallowed the Sarah that sat here last year at this time.  I look in the mirror and just like I didn't recognize myself as I got thin, I now no longer recognized myself because I'm fat again. 

It's stupid, and selfish, but I can't help but care that that person is gone right now.  Just like the clothes, she has been boxed up and put down the basement.  And while it feels good to remove that baggage in my closet and sort of move on and accept what my here and now is.  It also makes me sad to lose the skinny Sarah. 

I know I will find her again, but right now I just can't seem to muster up the willpower, determination, and time it takes to take care of myself, and take care of the two little people that need me.

In the meantime, Skinny Sarah... I miss you madly, and hope to see you again sometime in 2012.  I will find you again, but right now I have a sweet baby girl that needs me to hold her first.

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up.  And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.

You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with:  I don't like myself very much right now. 

See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily.  Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear.  I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning.  And so, I ate.  I don't like what I see when I look at myself.   I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans.  I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.

Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult.  She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in.  Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat!  My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days.  I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me!  I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this.  We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues.  And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet.  As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.

Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing.  I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower.  For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes.  I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen.  Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break. 

I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment.  And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!

The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress.  Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom.  And it adds to the stress.  And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues.  When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.

I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy.  I'm just sharing where I'm at right now.  Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do.  But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning:  "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."  I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good. 

Its Thursday... which means I weighed myself for the first time since starting back to counting Points last Thursday. 

Overall, my week was really good.  I followed the plan.  I measured my food.  I stopped eating candy.  Probably the only thing that I didn't do was drink the amount of water I should have.. but, I was close.

So... when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was really hopeful.  But instead what I got was a weight that was up .1 of a pound.  I blinked, and laughed thinking I must have screwed up and I got off and stepped on again... same number, 215.1.  I can't believe it.  I'm PISSED!  No, make that I'm PISSED AS HELL!  Can you tell I'm mad?

I really can't figure it out, but what it does is makes me 100% distrust the Points Plus program.  And even more it makes me distrust my body.  When bodies were being handed out, I got the lemon, and unlike a car I don't think there is a lemon law anywhere for bodies.

In fact, I was so mad about it that I sat in my bed and cried about it for a good hour this morning.  I actually lost less weight this week, than last week when I was not doing Weight Watchers and was mindlessly eating Halloween candy.  My mind says then maybe I should just go back to eating candy.  Yeah, I know, that's just stupid.

This is like living through my worst fear... I that I will NOT be able to lose weight again. 

I'm really not sure what to do from here.  I know I can't give up, but I seriously cannot put in the effort and willpower that losing weight takes without getting a payoff for doing it.

I am confused, and angry, and scared.  I don't like how I look and how I feel.  This stinks!
Please excuse me while I put a pan of brownies in the oven...

I have plans.
Plans to join Weight Watchers online for the last 3 weeks... no I'm not a member yet.
Plans to start running again.
Plans to quit eating candy... and pie.
Plans to run a 5k again... someday.
Plans to actually sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.

But you know what the issue with plans is?

They are just that... plans.  They don't have any action behind them.  They are just thoughts.
Thoughts are easy to think, but its the doing that's harder.

Reaching your goals requires you to put your plans into action, and unfortunately action appears to be what I'm lacking these days. 

So what I am waiting for?  I know I said before that I am scared.  No, make that terrified.  I am terrified that I'll try to lose weight again and fail.  Versus the feeling of failure I think staying 35 pounds above my goal weight seems like a better option.  I mean its not like I'm 100+ pounds overweight again.  It's OK to be here, right? 

Nope... it's really not OK.  It's not OK, because being here will lead to be being there - and by there I mean at 281 pounds again - as quickly as I can blink. 

This is what real weight loss looks like.  Even though I once made it to goal, I still don't have all the answers.  I struggle every single day.  I think about ever morsel I put in my mouth.  I weigh myself too much, I feel guilty for eating a piece of candy... and I judge myself and put myself down for all of these things.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, I don't like the number on the scale, but yet I'm not doing anything about it.

My body feels like a war zone.  It nourished a baby for 9 month, and now both physically and emotionally I have been through the accumulated stress of about 20 years in those 9 months.  I still feel uncertainty about things that are ahead of us... like an appointment with the pediatric surgeon tomorrow.  I still have a life time of worrying to do about my daughter.

And yet... putting crap in my mouth, and refusing to take care of myself like I deserve is not going to solve those problems.  And that is what I battle this time around.

So tomorrow I end it all... tomorrow I start taking care of myself again, and putting my plans into action.  I can do this again.  I am worth it.  I am not a failure.  I am strong, and I will succeed.  I will do it for myself, and I will do it for these people
I'm back baby!

P.S. CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newer readers) in a few weeks I'm coming back to "see" you.  I hope you have a giant box of tissues ready because remember what I said about the stress of 20 years in the last 9 months?  I have a feeling that's going to come out as watery drops through the eyes.  Its going to be a fun holiday season, huh?

In spite of our miracle, reality has hit, the adrenaline of the last 10 days has worn off, sleepless nights are plentiful, and worry is still there!  Surprise... life goes on.  And sometimes I sit in the muddle of it all, and try to figure it all out.  And I have no answers, and I know that while one journey is finally over, another one has certainly just begun, and it proves to be probably an easier journey at times... at least right now... but one that doesn't last just 9 months, it will last for the rest of my life. 

It isn't dissimilar to the journey that any mother is on once they lay a small, helpless baby in her arms for the first time.  I am normal in many ways, and worry about normal things:  oh no the baby has bad diaper rash, or why is she so fussy, or is she getting enough to eat, why did she go up 3 ounces in 3 days, just to be down 1 ounce 5 days later (today's sour news).  Normal mom things.  Its comforting to know that there is some normalcy in our lives these days, because that normalcy was lacking for so many months!

And yet, I worry about Lily's future already, and what lay in front of her.  How will I one day explain to her that she isn't like other girls.  That she'll never be able to have her own baby, that she will need shots every day for years just to make 5 feet tall?


Deep down I know that I am certainly injured and possibly permanently scarred from the last several months of my pregnancy.  How can one not be?  I also know my hormones are completely out of whack from having a baby 10 days ago.  Will time heal me?  Will time heal any of us?  I don't know the answer to that.  But I know that I will soon need to figure out a way to process all of this, and I fully expect it to take months if not years to work through that. 

I still have deeply rooted issues of self-esteem that have gotten worse, not better from this pregnancy.  See... this was the pregnancy that was supposed to heal the hurt from my pregnancy with "L".  This was the pregnancy that would prove my body is capable... it works!  Those things didn't not really happen.  And it hurts!  Yet, to have walked out of the hospital a week ago with Lily in my arms was also beyond my wildest dreams and an indicator of major success in the midst of so much failure.
Don't get me wrong.  I am still reveling in the miracle that Lily is, but I am now starting to also deal with the reality of where this leaves us.  To have been so blessed with a miracle, leaves you with a bit of a "why me" feeling.  So many people ask for their miracles, and they are passed by.  So why us?  Why her?  I cannot help but think of big things for her, even though she is barely 5 pounds!

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
-- Stephan Hoeller

I might be injured, but without that I certainly would not have my pearl, sweet little Lily.

Outside today the weather is deceiving.  You look and its sunny, but I ventured outside to see how my little veggie garden was doing this morning and it was really chilly - like need a Columbia fleece on chilly.
Sometimes I feel like my weight loss journey is that way lately.  I'm supposed to be a role model... I guess.  It's probably why you are reading this right now.  You want to be inspired by my 115 pound weight loss, so that you too, can lose weight.  It is probably no surprise I feel less than inspiring right now.  Maybe it is pregnancy hormones, maybe it is the uncertainty that each day brings around here in the last 4 weeks.  I'm not sure.

The one thing I do know is that I feel like I'm back to my old habits - soothing my hurts with food.  There, I admitted it.  I have been eating whatever I want lately, and since my nausea is 90% gone, its not just because I can't stomach healthy things anymore.  Its because it makes me feel better.  Its because the rest of life really just sucks so much right now, but good food is always good.  You know what I mean, right? 

I've always found good food comforting, but especially now, in the midst of probably the darkest time in my life, I am finding it especially comforting.  To the point where I am scared:

Scared that I won't be able to control this. 
Scared that I'll gain all my weight back.
Scared that I'll wake up one morning and be back to 281 pounds!
Scared that I'll never ever be able to lose my pregnancy weight.

So I eat another donut or muffin, or take a few Red Vines licorice from the bag, have a giant bowl of ice cream, or maybe a handful of chips (pass the dip please), allow myself the fries with lunch instead of choosing fruit.  Temporarily, it makes the scariness of those things, the frightening reality of this pregnancy and of my family's future, and the hurt, depression, and pain go away.  Sure... it only lasts as long as the bowl of ice cream or to the end of the licorice twist, but it is momentary relief - sweet relief (sometimes literally) - enough to get me through to the next day.

I want so bad to be in control. 
I AM NOT. 
I've gained 24 pounds in 23-1/2 weeks of pregnancy!  I feel uninspiring, full of self-loathing, and FAT! 

I want to say, NO MORE EXCUSES!  I will start to control myself, eat healthier, and throw away the licorice today.  That is what I have been about for the past 2 years.  That is the very reason why I lost this weight.  But, I know if I say that, I'll just be lying... to you... to myself.  I don't have any answers right now, and even while I feel this needs to be addressed, I really don't have the strength for any more big battles right now. 

1 year ago today I ran my first 5k ever - after only 7 weeks of training.  It was an amazing morning, shared with amazing people!  This morning, I am missing that feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, and of control in my life.  I am missing last year and the amazing things that happened in it.  I am wanting so bad to go back, to skip this time in my life, and relive 2010 instead.  I hope sometime soon to be tapped on the shoulder and woken up from what seems like an awful nightmare, but each day passes, and that never comes.

As the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Mandisa says:
There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
(Mandisa - He is with you)
So... this is certainly a different season in my life - the rules have changed - and sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my way around in the dark.  There was a time to run, and now this is a time to face it.  I know finding comfort in food won't change things.  I guess for now just knowing is enough.

This morning a friend of mine posted the following on Facebook:
"scars remind us where we've been-they don't have to dictate where we're going." 
I was able to figure out through the genius use of Google that it is actually from an episode of Criminal Minds (The Slave of Duty to be exact).

I have to say reading that quote was exactly what I needed this morning.  What an awesome reminder!  I've said on here many times before how I often feel like my past failures will predict future results... and I'm always reminding myself that that is NOT true!  In the quote lies another reminder.

I look at myself in the mirror... and I outwardly see the scars my body has from over a decade of being overweight morbidly obese.  When I started this journey, I had in my mind the flat stomachs of a young 20 something as what I'd look like in the end.  Now, being at the "end" of that journey, I know that is FAR from the truth.  My stomach is still covered in rolls... rolls of loose skin and of course yeah there's some fat in there too.  My arms jiggle possibly even more than they did 115 pounds ago... and my legs have hanging skin as well.  The arms and the legs, I can ignore... the stomach part, much harder.  There are often days I can't stand the site of myself.  I can't believe that this was the body I got as a reward for losing 115 pounds.  I won't lie... I'm disappointed!

But once my CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader in case you are new here), told me that those are my scars... they are the everyday proof to me that I did this... that I won this battle.  They won't let me forget, and I should wear them as badges of honor!  And as usual, despite my groaning, she is right.

Those scars - in my case my extra skin from being 100+ pounds overweight for way too long - certainly are an everyday reminder of where I've been.  A powerful reminder of the transformation that's taken place in my life in the last couple of years.  But as the quote states... they are not any indication of where I'm going!  I just love that we have the power within ourselves to transform ourselves, and change our destinies!  My life today is completely changed from 3 years ago.  For the first time in a long time I feel an overwhelming sense of hope!  I am exactly where I want to be - body, mind, and soul.  I feel my future is brighter than its ever been.   I can't wait for Spring, and I can't wait to share some more with you about what's in my future!

Friends... today... at least for 1 day wear your scars as badges of honor... wherever you've been in the past; and remember, that they are not an indicator on where you are going for the future!

Dear Body –

First I want to start off by apologizing for the many years I abused you. No wonder, at the times I felt I needed you most – during my pregnancy with “L” – you pretty much gave out on me. I’ve been told that for every 1 pound of body weight, you are exerted with 7 pounds of pressure. WOW, sorry about that too. I hope now though you’re feeling much better since I’ve taken some 800 pounds of pressure off you.

Now, I'd like to thank you.  Thank you for cooperating with me this past year as I began to run. For awhile I thought you were going to let the left knee win, and derail my plans to run a race become a runner, but he didn’t pester me for long. 

You are strong.  Even though my pregnancy with "L" was more than imperfect - Just look at what you helped create.  WOW!  Amazing!  Every time I think of that I stand in awe, in complete awe of the miracle of the creation and growth of a human life - I'm not sure there's a single other task you do that is quite as amazing.
You are strong.  Your legs are strong, you carried me through miles of training, and 2 – 5ks. You still carry me when I run, and yes I realize treadmills are not fun, but right now in Minnesota, you DO NOT want to be doing this outside. Trust me on this one.

You are strong.  Your heart is strong. It beats less often now, and I bet it’s really enjoying the break!  After all those years of hard work, it deserves it.

You are strong.  Your arms are strong.  I can actually see muscles in your arms when I lift now... hope you don't get cold without that extra layer of fat.  I can easily carry two grocery bags full of groceries, and lift my sweet little 34 pound boy up with ease.

Yeah, I know, enough with the flattery already.  You've probably figured out by now that I'm buttering you up to ask a huge favor.  See, I've done everything that I can in the past 2 years to make you healthy.  Now I'm asking a favor of you.  Its pretty simple:  Can you just cooperate here with me for a little while?  Be your strong, amazing self and show me that you work?  Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top?.

I promise to keep treating you right, and I promise to trust you (at least most of the time).  Don't let me down, OK?  deal?

Hugs and kisses -
Sarah

I had a nice surprise today - or maybe a scary surprise..

As I checked blogs today I saw my name staring right out in the middle of the page on Priorfatgirl - If you don't already follow Jen, go over - she is amazing, and has lost a lot of weight too!  Anyways... I had entered to win a giveaway for a ticket to the Priorfatgirl - One Breath One Step Get Together this weekend.  Why was my name staring back right at me?  Because I won!  I won a ticket to this weekend's event. 

I cannot tell you how many times I've talked myself out of going to this.  Last October she had one of these same get togethers, and I hemmed and hawed and waited and waited, and then the tickets were sold out.  See... there is something maybe you don't know about me.  I don't like to go places.  Yeah, I'm strange, I said it.  I don't like to go out into social situations with people I don't know.  I feel like people are staring, I feel vulnerable and alone.  I know it has something to do with being fat most of my life.  It also runs in the family (thanks mom - love you!).  I'm trying to get over it.  I am forcing myself to do new things, to meet new people.  I forced myself to enter the giveaway with the thought that I would NEVER win - and now I HAVE to go.  Thanks Jen!  Thanks for helping me come out a little. 

I know the get together will likely be amazing, but I'm freaking out just a little, and that's OK.  I have to tell myself that its OK to freak out a little, to be scared, and to feel a bit socially awkward.  Its OK as long as in the end I go and carry myself and treat myself like I'm worth it!

So on Saturday here I go...
Off to meet people I only read about on the Internet.
Off to meet some people who've likely read about me on the Internet.
Off to a new place in town I've never been before.

It's OK, breathe... this is supposed to be FUN!

AND...If you are here because you clicked over from Priorfatgirl, thanks for visiting!  I've had a record number of hits on my blog today - WOW!  I hope you decide you like it here and come back often.  I hope I can offer you encouragement and hope on your own journey.  Please read my story and first ever blog post so I can bring you up-to-date on my life!  If you are also attending the One Breath One Step Get Together I seriously look forward to meeting you, and I promise, once I actually talk myself into going somewhere new, I REALLY open up... trust me on this one... everyone that knows me would never classify me as quiet!

Uninspiring... that's how I feel despite the wonderful comments that you guys always leave for me.
 
Maybe its because I gained 2.6 pounds on Thursday at my weigh in, despite being on plan all week.
Maybe its because we've had so much snow and cold this year already and its not even officially winter yet. 
Maybe its because I've had so much at work and and in life going on.
Maybe its because I miss my family this time of year.
Maybe its because I missed every light to and from work yesterday.
Maybe its because my hormones are seriously messed up.
Maybe its because I had to pay my son's hospital bill from the MRI yesterday - in December of all months.
Maybe its because my 3 year old is crabby and sassy and waking up in the middle of the night asking me to "help him sleep."
Maybe its because its dark at 4:15 pm.
Maybe its because I just can't get into the groove of the new Weight Watchers plan - it seems like endless work, and endless time that I just don't have right now.
Maybe its because I'm on my third Christmas party in a week.
Maybe its because sometimes I secretly want to give up, to not care so much.
Maybe its because I feel bloated and my jeans were tight today.
Maybe its because I sometimes feel really alone.
Maybe its because Christmas is one week away and I still have to wrap everything.
Maybe its because I hate my stupid, broken, - did I mention stupid, body.
Maybe its because I didn't let myself eat a monster cookie yesterday.
Maybe its because I'm having trouble sleeping.

Can you tell I'm in a bad place?  I'm in a bad place with a shitload of cookies and candy in my house too.  NOT GOOD!  Its taking everything I have not to sit down with a whole tin, and eat it. 

I ask myself - Will it solve anything?  Will it truely fill what I'm looking for?  Will it help me get what I want?  No, No, and No.  Do I sometimes still take a bite?  Yep... I am still a human, even if I've lost 116.6 - 2.6 pounds.  I still think like a fat person.

Emotions never go away, the desire to eat yourself through them continues to rear its ugly head.  My response though now, its different.  I don't eat the whole tin before I recognize that I'm not really hungry, I only eat half.
Victory is progress.
Success is progress.
This is a lifelong journey.  There is no end.
Progress NOT Perfection!

It was only a few short months ago that I sat in my doctor's office as he erased obesity from my medical record.  While, having obesity erased was certainly one of the most powerful moments I've had on this weight loss journey, I have to say that realizing, as I logged my weight on Thursday, that I was no longer overweight is up in the top ten as well.

Thursday, I weighed in and lost 3 pounds.  2 really big losses in a row... thanks stomach flu!  I'm pretty sure this was NOT the new program that Weight Watchers had in mind.  And while I'm thankful for the losses, I know they are anomalies, and things will go "back to normal" now that my stomach finally feels like accepting food into it again.  It will also give me some time to really try and embrace the new PointsPlus program.  Since I haven't been eating normal, I haven't had much time to practice the new plan.

With the loss, I celebrated 116.6 total pounds lost at my meeting.  Later after logging my weight into eTools, and seeing my current BMI, I realized that I was no longer obese, I was no longer overweight.  I, for the first time that I can ever remember (yes, I was a fat kid too) have a NORMAL BMI!  Normal?  me?  Normal in terms of weight... amazing! 

I wish I could tell you that I feel normal too, but I don't. 

I am still playing the mind games, that those who have ever lost a lot of weight can all too quickly identify with.  I look at myself, and I don't see myself as normal.  I see myself as fat. 

I try on clothes that are too big.  I look down at my legs, and feel "ugh" escape silently through my lips.  When I sit in a public place, I still brace myself for being squished, even though I quickly realize that the size 8 fits, and my legs... they are strong, they can carry my body - there is nothing "ugh" about them.  I don't take up as much space in a chair/airplane seat/movie theatre, that I used to.  There is hard evidence ALL around me, and yet I can only see myself as overweight on a good day, and still obese on a bad one.  I can go in my closet, and put on the size 8 pants and the medium shirt, and feel like a size 24 and a 2x.  And then there is an occasional moment of brilliance... where I see my reflection in glass, or in the mirror at the gym, and know that I am not who I once was.  My mind actually for a split second recognizes the new me.

It's hard and I'm getting better at it.  But I still have a LONG ways to go! 
I only hope that the erasure of fat from my mind can someday catch up with the reality of the erasure of fat from my body.

I did have a couple of pieces of candy, and allowed myself 3 pieces of my amazing Godiva chocolate, but I made it through relatively unaffected by the candy.  Of course with someone this cute in tow, you can only image the vast amounts of candy that people lavished upon him.

Watch out!  I STING!

Halloween 2008 - I'm happy, but "L" not so much



Halloween 2008 - Not AS scary



Halloween 2010 - Whew.. .much better!

There has always been something really strange about my self-esteem.  You see, when I was really FAT, I actually had better self-esteem than I do now.  I was more confident.  Sure I knew I was fat, but I was able to command a room and feel respected. 

Now 106 pounds later... I don't feel like that anymore.  How did I lose that sense of confidence as I lost weight?  Somehow along the way I started losing myself, losing who I was along with the weight.  Being fat had always defined me.  I was perfectly OK with being fat until the night he saved my life... and then something started to break.  That brokenness started a downward spiral of my self-esteem.

I have been trying to figure out this self-image problem:

• How can I get that confidence back? 
• How can I feel good about myself again? 
• Now that I'm barely fat anymore I feel fatter than I did 106 pounds ago.  How can I get rid of that feeling? 

And then... last Friday happened.  It was just an ordinary day - consisting of work, some shopping on my lunch hour, and a couple of drinks after work with a friend.  But for the first time in my life... The first time EVER that I can remember I think my self esteem actually matched how I looked... who I am.  See for yourself (ignore the monkey arms in the first picture):