I forgot what it used to be like to sit and stare at a blank page and want to write so many things, but it's impossible to get them out of your head and onto the page!  It's overwhelming and yet it feels OH SO GOOD to have this outlet again!  Thank you for those that are reading along again and have already reached out to me.  It has been so fun to reconnect with you!

So where do I possibly even start with where my life has been the last 5 years... there's way too much for you to catch up on.  So I've decided a blog theme day is in order - Throwback Thursday - to recap certain parts of the last 5 years of my life.  I hesitate where to start but maybe I'll start with surgeries.

Not mine, Lily's.

Over a span of less than 3 years my daughter had 7 surgeries... yep 7 - you read that right.  Let's see if I can remember:

1. Ears
2. Ears/Adenoids
3. Hygroma Removal - Back of Head
4. Ears
5. Ears/Sinuses
6. Hygroma Removal - Part 2
7. Ears/Tonsils

Just writing that all seems a little unbelievable.  Sure, I know that there are kids that have WAY more surgeries and most of hers were certainly "routine", but when your baby is going under anesthesia and a knife it takes an emotional toll on you.

First, you pretend it doesn't bother you.  You say things like - oh it's no big deal!  You act brave, you act like it's just "normal".

Then you tell yourself that this will probably be the last one, so just hang in there.  Make it through this and you are golden!

Finally you realize it isn't the last one and the time comes where your preschooler has to stay overnight in the hospital and is in excruciating pain, you sit there helpless and bust out in tears because there is nothing you can do, and this - this awful dark place has become more the norm than the exception!  So you eat 5 brownies with thick, fudge frosting, and half a pizza and wash it down with 7up mixed secretly with Vodka and it dulls your pain - momentarily.  And you gain 8-10 or so pounds.

8-10 - 7 times .... that 60+ pounds of weight you've gained in addition to the 60 or so pounds of "baby weight" you never lost in the first place.  And the world grows a little darker...your clothes grow a little tighter...  your skin is awful because you don't take care of yourself.  You buy one of the biggest sizes of jeans you've ever worn in your life.  You're disgusted with yourself.  Some days you hate yourself.  Your eyes are puffy because you cry more than you don't...

And one day you look in the mirror - like really look in the mirror and take stock of everything and you see this...

Summer 2016

Where this person once stood...

Goal weight - Summer 2010

Every.single.day I am reminded of my failures when I look at myself in the mirror.  Because gaining weight back after a HUGE loss has to be one of the worst things I've ever experienced emotionally.  It's shameful!  I'm still wrapping my head around it.  It's screws with your mind.

This morning - I came across this quote in my timehop on Facebook from before Lily was born


Forget... forget and forgive myself.  The past is the past.  I have no ability to change it or control it.  But I CAN move forward.  We can all move forward.  I'm going to do this!!!  And so can you!

Weight loss after pregnancy is really nothing like weight loss before pregnancy - at least it hasn't been for me.  Maybe it should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't.  I was not prepared for this.  I had no clue that it would be this hard.  It seems like other women lose at least 20 lbs as they exit the hospital... I lost 5! 

I breastfed expecting the weight to fall off, and I gained back the 5 pounds I lost after birth.

And now... here I am, with a baby that turns 11 months (how is that possible?) next week.  I find myself planning her first birthday and I'm still 20 pounds over my Weight Watchers goal weight.  While I'm sure that Weight Watchers is loving making money off of me I'm sick of paying... again!

Initially in the process, I was frustrated.  I aired my complaints several times.  I went through periods of trying really hard with very minimal results.  I kicked, I screamed, I whined.  I glanced over at the rows of pants that didn't fit me, the ones that just hung there - mocking me!  I finally packed up all of my clothes, and bought new ones. 

And then... glorious acceptance came.  Yes, I was over my goal weight, but there was a beautiful miracle in my life as a result of it.  I stopped beating myself up, after stepping on the scale.  I stopped hating myself when I looked in the mirror.  I started sleeping better, and enjoying the small moments, and reminding myself about the bigger picture.  I told myself it doesn't matter if this takes a month, a year, or a decade - down is down.  And you know what?  A funny thing happened.  I started losing weight just a little better than I was before. 

No... it's not fast, and I do some see-sawing, but I am seeing progress.  I am now less than a pound from being down 25 pounds since I started back to Weight Watchers, and I am officially less than 20 pounds away now from being back to my goal weight.

As I see Lily's first birthday looming in the not so distant future, the initial goal I set out for myself is definitely unreachable.  But that's OK, because I am making progress, little by little.  I've decided to enjoy the journey, enjoy life, and focus on the progress, not the struggles.  Focus on the pants that do fit me, and not the pants that are boxed up in the basement.

I am happy - with myself, with my life. 
And some days I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a cheering section like this.

YAY Mommy!

You know what really terrifies me when running?
Dogs and Cars.

Yep... call me neurotic or strange, but I'm terrified of both.

On the "normal route" I've been running there are lots of dogs.  Big dogs, little dogs, barking dogs, short dogs, fat dogs, yippy dogs, wiener dogs.  Full discloure:  I'm really not a "dog person", but despite that fact there is nothing scarier to me than a dog that barks and runs after me while I run by.  And who actually lets their dog run after people running on a road?  Well... apparently about 70% of my neighbors!  Then there's the house that I seriously won't even run by now, even though their dogs are behind a fence.  This fence is just a chain link fence... and not a strong one at that, and both of the dogs have muzzles, and growl and bark, and generally go ballistic as I run by.  I could have sworn that as I ran by on Tuesday I actually saw one foam at the mouth! 

I noticed I have now developed this habit of looking behind me every 15-20 seconds or so, freaked a bit that someone or something or somedog is following me.  Yep, I'm neurotic.

And then, there's cars - fast cars, beat up cars, loud booming stereo cars, sports cars, minivan cars, luxury cars, cars driven by teenagers, cars driven by people texting behind the wheel, cars driven by teenagers texting behind the wheel (shudder).  Cars scare me more than dogs.  People drive really fast... and don't pay attention.

Between watching out for cars and checking behind me every 15-20 seconds on the off chance that a dog is following me, just waiting to pounce and bite the back of my leg.  I am a neurotic, running mess! 

And running... it was supposed to relieve my anxiety from the cares of my everyday stress - I mean not that there is really any stress here (sick kids, bills to pay, deductibles to pay, ear tube surgery pending for Lily, missing work, a daughter that won't gain weight, a body that won't lose weight, commitments every weekend, messy houses, a trip to NC, an unmown lawn, a broken light switch in the bathroom as my makeup is half on... yeah really there is no stress around here at all).

My sanity... questionable.
My determination and my drive... 100% intact!

I am on week 5 of the run a 5k plan, and I am fully committed and doing it.  I missed a few days while I was in North Carolina last week, but I am back strong again.  Tuesday night I ran 2- 14 minute stints.  Tomorrow it will be 2- 15 minute ones.  And on Saturday I will run my first 5k since before I got pregnant with Lily (Sept 2010). 

Last week I considered skipping it, but some friends convinced me that I should do it - that even if I had to walk, it would be fun.  They were right, of course, and yes I'll probably have to stop and walk a couple of times, but I know I can make it.  Initially I didn't like the fact that I would probably have to walk a few times - I am a perfectionist - but I always say progress not perfection, and from no exercise to running a 5k in 5 weeks... that my friends is progress that I am dang proud of! 

My ideal goal?  To finish in under 40 minutes.  What I'll take?  To finish at all with a smile on my face, proud of myself for running again, proud of my body for hanging in there, and proud of my mind for making it happen.

I got this... and on Saturday morning at Lake Como... I shouldn't even have to battle cars or dogs - SCORE!

Happy New Year!  Yes, yes, I know its already 4 days in... I'm a little slow preoccupied these days yet, but I really, really wanted to get back here and set up my goals for 2012.  I am determined to make this the year that I reclaim myself.

You'll remember (or not if you are new... by the way, welcome) that last year I set out some specific goals, and then pregnancy happened, and that pregnancy turned into a sweet pumpkin named Lily, who just happened to be missing an "X" chromosome, and who threw us all for a loop.  So.. my year did not turn out at all like I imagined, and my goals pretty much went to the wayside.

Enter 2012.  The year that I am determined to reclaim the skinny me and my sanity.

Goal #1:  Reclaim the skinny Sarah.  Fit back into my pants.
So... its the typical New Year's resolution if you want to call it that.  The difference is for me this is a goal not a resolution.  In 9 months I gained 45ish pounds.  I had a 5 pound baby, and I lost 2 pounds.  HA!  Not kidding.  When I weighed in back at Weight watchers 2 weeks ago, I was up 43 pounds from my goal weight.  I have since lost around 3 pounds.  I am wearing 14s and 16s, when last year at this time I was a svelte 8.  I hate not fitting into my pants.  They were cute pants, they were nice pants.  I liked them.  So, 2012 is my year to fit back into my pants again.

It took me 9 months to gain 40+ pounds and I am just fine with it taking 9 months to a year to lose them.  I know what is realistic for me.  I'm not a loser of 2 pounds + a week.  My average weight loss the first time down was 1 pound a week.  At my last weigh in I was around 215.  My goal weight is 175.  I'd like to be down to 199.9 by my birthday in March.  It's March 22.  I have around 11 weeks.  I'd like to be down the other 25 pounds by the end of this year. 

Realistic goals!  I can do this.  I will make this happen.  I know exactly what to do.  I'm a pro at this weight loss stuff.  I lost 115 pounds before, 40 should be a.piece.of.cake!  But I'm still scared.  Scared to fail, scared to be fat.

On the way to reclaiming my skinny self, and my old pants, I'd like to restart a "formal" exercise program this year.  I'm not sure what this means right now.  I haven't run since sometime late last February.  My first step is to figure out what form of exercise and where to exercise will work best for me in this season - tired mother with small infant and preschool son- of my life.  I've considered rejoining Curves as I know it works and its a 30 minute commitment.  I want to run, and I may start up the "run a 5k program" I did before, in the spring once it is lighter later in the evenings.

Goal #2:  Reclaim my sanity
This one is just slighter harder to put out here, as it involves my mental health, and sometimes I think that is a side of myself I'd rather just hide away.  But I feel it needs to be said.  Last year sucked.  It drained the life out of me with my traumatic pregnancy... not to mention the hormones.  I have some lingering issues.  Sometimes I feel sad... really really sad, and I'm not always 100% sure why.  But even a bigger concern is my anxiety levels recently are sky high.  I worry about stuff... and not just little things, but big things... like my kids dying, car accidents, bad things happening to my family.  It is freaky.  I'm nearly positive it is a result of the stress of my pregnancy that has done this to me, but I don't want to live in this stupid constant fear, anger, and sadness. 

I think the food I put in my mouth and finding exercise to do will play a huge role in helping me in this area, as I'm a big believer that physical health and mental health are closely tied together, but I am not going to be ashamed to reach out for help to a therapist/counselor this year to process the events of 2011. 

And so... I will reclaim my sanity, and at the end of 2012, I will be a skinny, sane girl in cute pants!  Shoot for the stars, right?

2012 is going to be better.  I am ready and willing to work on my body, mind, and soul, and discover new lessons along the way.  Welcome 2012... I like you better already.