Its Thursday... which means I weighed myself for the first time since starting back to counting Points last Thursday. 

Overall, my week was really good.  I followed the plan.  I measured my food.  I stopped eating candy.  Probably the only thing that I didn't do was drink the amount of water I should have.. but, I was close.

So... when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was really hopeful.  But instead what I got was a weight that was up .1 of a pound.  I blinked, and laughed thinking I must have screwed up and I got off and stepped on again... same number, 215.1.  I can't believe it.  I'm PISSED!  No, make that I'm PISSED AS HELL!  Can you tell I'm mad?

I really can't figure it out, but what it does is makes me 100% distrust the Points Plus program.  And even more it makes me distrust my body.  When bodies were being handed out, I got the lemon, and unlike a car I don't think there is a lemon law anywhere for bodies.

In fact, I was so mad about it that I sat in my bed and cried about it for a good hour this morning.  I actually lost less weight this week, than last week when I was not doing Weight Watchers and was mindlessly eating Halloween candy.  My mind says then maybe I should just go back to eating candy.  Yeah, I know, that's just stupid.

This is like living through my worst fear... I that I will NOT be able to lose weight again. 

I'm really not sure what to do from here.  I know I can't give up, but I seriously cannot put in the effort and willpower that losing weight takes without getting a payoff for doing it.

I am confused, and angry, and scared.  I don't like how I look and how I feel.  This stinks!
Please excuse me while I put a pan of brownies in the oven...

Its snack time… you’re hungry and you want a good nutritional bang for your PointsPlus values. You barely have any left for the day either, so it has to be low on the PointsPlus scale

What do you eat?
For 0 PointsPlus:
Of course the easy answer here is fruit! EAT UP!
Also I like Cucumbers and/or baby carrots with salsa

For 1 PointsPlus:
Celery (as much as you want) with 1 laughing cow wedge = 1
Apple w/ a 1 Tbsp of fat-free caramel sauce – I also like to bake this and then drizzle the caramel and a couple of Tbsp of Fat-free Redi-whip (still 1 pt)
Cut up Red Pepper and ½ an ounce of Sharp White Cheddar Cheese


For 2 PointsPlus:
Veggies (as much as you want) I like cucumbers with 2 Tbsp Hummus
Celery with 1 Tbsp Reduced-Fat Jif Peanut Butter
½ cup reduced fat cottage cheese with cut up fruit of your choice
Hard Boiled Egg

Its snack time, you want a decadent treat, without all the PointsPlus values
What do you eat?
It seems like these treats (on the new PointsPlus plan) will cost you a few more PointsPlus values
For 3 PointsPlus:
VitaTop – and you have to heat it up just a little

For 4 PointsPlus:
McDonald's Cone – 4 PointsPlus – This is one of my all-time favorite treats!
Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwich

Its snack time… you want food and lots of it… NOW!
What do you eat for a big quantity?
For 0 PointsPlus:
Fruit Smoothie made with water/fruit – I use frozen fruit + water + Splenda packet

For 2 PointsPlus:
Fruit Smoothie made with yogurt – same as above except omit the Splenda/water and add a 2 point container of vanilla yogurt

For 3 PointsPlus
Light String Cheese + 17 pieces of Turkey Pepperoni
Rold Gold Pretzel Sticks – 48 sticks!!!


For 4 PointsPlus
Chocolate Banana Smoothie – This fills me up BIG TIME!

I hope this gave you a lot of good ideas for when snack time hits! 
If you have any ideas to add I’d love to know, please comment and tell me, what’s your favorite snack??

Over the last couple weeks I have had unexplainable anxiety that has at really random times been washing over me in waves.   I'll be doing something simple like cooking dinner or driving to work, and I'll start having these thoughts in my head - thoughts of self-doubt, thoughts of failure, and it will make me feel all clammy and just really terrible.

Tonight, I finally was able to pinpoint what it is.  FEAR!

Yep good old fear.  Now you might wonder, what could I be afraid of?  The boogie man, sure, he's scary, but he doesn't have anything on the fear of failure.  I am scared to fail.

I am scared that I won't be able to lose any more weight.  I am specifically scared that I won't be able to lose weight on the new PointsPlus plan.  And I will admit that I am downright terrified that I will gain all my weight back.  In fact, as I write that I can feel a lump in my throat and a tightness in my chest.  Fear.

I haven't really had a week since the new plan started where I've lost weight.  Now that has everything to do with my deliberate decision to "only maintain" during the holidays and over the weekend I went to Portland, and really nothing in the world to do with the new plan, but it has only contributed to my fear.  I am doubting myself, doubting my willpower, which has at most times along this journey been so iron clad. 

As I doubted myself tonight I found my fingers in cake... the cake that is on my counter because my family wanted to use this snowman mold pan and make it on Sunday.  Store bought boxed cake, with store-bought canned frosting.  It doesn't really even taste good.  And as I broke off a piece and licked the frosting off my finger, I said to myself, "what the hell are you doing?  This is going to help your fear one bit.  Its only going to make things worse when you don't lose weight at weigh in tomorrow.  Actions like tracking your food, and doing your workouts will be able to make you feel in control again.  So do that, don't eat this cake while you think your 3 year old is transfixed on Arthur on PBS and not watching.  Would you really want me to see this?  I don't think so." 

Yes, my conversations with myself are long, and sort of pep talk-like,  I think if I can lose weight (and I'm not sure if that is happening this week) I will be over the temporary fear of whether the PointsPlus program will work for me, but that doesn't resolve everything.  It only leaves the permanent fear of "will I gain this weight back".  That thought chills me to the bone.  I can't say whether it will go away as time brings me further and further away from living a life of being defined by being fat, or if it is something that will always remain.  And again, I know the same tools that got me here, will keep me here.  I know what this is about.  I know how to do this.  But there is that stupid nagging voice in the back of my head that says "you can't keep this up, you'll never keep the weight off, you aren't as good as you think this."

So here's where I ask for your help.  Whether you're my sister, my best friend, my CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newbies), or I barely know you I want you to hunt me down and shake me if I ever start to gain this weight back.  I'm serious.  I need you.  Knowing you will do that makes me less scared.  Deal?

For anyone out there that's lost a lot of weight... did you have fear like this?  Did it go away?  What did you do about it?

I did not officially weigh in yesterday... so I have no weigh in to report, which is a good thing considering I'm up 2 pounds.  The last month I've made an upward trend of about 5 pounds... and while I'm still 5 pounds under my goal weight its time to button down and start losing some weight again.

Not only did I not weigh in, but I missed my Weight Watchers meeting!  I hate it when that happens.  I honestly need it.  Now don't think that I was skipping because of the gain... uh...I would never do that!  I had a hot date with the dryer repairman, only to find out that excess lint was my problem... glad I paid $98 for that!  Despite missing my meeting though, I was happy that Thursday rolled around and allowed me to "reset".  I love fresh starts, and I feel good about this week already!

I'll be honest, its the first real week that I'm going to be working the PointsPlus plan since we switched to the week after Thanksgiving  There was all sorts of Christmas and New Years, and then the trip to Portland and the wedding last week, and while I was trying to make smart choices 80% of the time, I'll be honest I wasn't tracking every single day - I wasn't being religious about the plan.  I've done my complaining about it, and now its time to see if I can actually lose weight on this plan... right now I'm 15 pounds away from my ultimate goal of 155.  I'm ready to get there and stay there.  You know what?  It feels good to be on track again... I forgot how much I actually sometimes like doing this (sick, I know right?).

Tomorrow morning courtesy of Jen @ PriorFatGirl I'll be attending the One Breath One Step get together in Minneapolis.  Its my first time ever doing something like this, and I will be honest I have major butterflies in my stomach tonight... I'm not sure if I'm nervous, excited or a little of both.  I do know that I can't wait to tell you guys all about what I did and learned.  I have my notebook and my camera, and I'm going to put on the least scared face I own, as I walk in the door tomorrow.

Have a great weekend!

Uninspiring... that's how I feel despite the wonderful comments that you guys always leave for me.
 
Maybe its because I gained 2.6 pounds on Thursday at my weigh in, despite being on plan all week.
Maybe its because we've had so much snow and cold this year already and its not even officially winter yet. 
Maybe its because I've had so much at work and and in life going on.
Maybe its because I miss my family this time of year.
Maybe its because I missed every light to and from work yesterday.
Maybe its because my hormones are seriously messed up.
Maybe its because I had to pay my son's hospital bill from the MRI yesterday - in December of all months.
Maybe its because my 3 year old is crabby and sassy and waking up in the middle of the night asking me to "help him sleep."
Maybe its because its dark at 4:15 pm.
Maybe its because I just can't get into the groove of the new Weight Watchers plan - it seems like endless work, and endless time that I just don't have right now.
Maybe its because I'm on my third Christmas party in a week.
Maybe its because sometimes I secretly want to give up, to not care so much.
Maybe its because I feel bloated and my jeans were tight today.
Maybe its because I sometimes feel really alone.
Maybe its because Christmas is one week away and I still have to wrap everything.
Maybe its because I hate my stupid, broken, - did I mention stupid, body.
Maybe its because I didn't let myself eat a monster cookie yesterday.
Maybe its because I'm having trouble sleeping.

Can you tell I'm in a bad place?  I'm in a bad place with a shitload of cookies and candy in my house too.  NOT GOOD!  Its taking everything I have not to sit down with a whole tin, and eat it. 

I ask myself - Will it solve anything?  Will it truely fill what I'm looking for?  Will it help me get what I want?  No, No, and No.  Do I sometimes still take a bite?  Yep... I am still a human, even if I've lost 116.6 - 2.6 pounds.  I still think like a fat person.

Emotions never go away, the desire to eat yourself through them continues to rear its ugly head.  My response though now, its different.  I don't eat the whole tin before I recognize that I'm not really hungry, I only eat half.
Victory is progress.
Success is progress.
This is a lifelong journey.  There is no end.
Progress NOT Perfection!

I've been sick.  Praying to the porcelain goddess sick!  YUCK!
That's the bad news.  The good news... I'm down 3.6 pounds this week - yes, the week after Thanksgiving! I'm now less than 8 pounds from my ultimate goal, and I've lost over 113 pounds total!  About 2 of those pounds I attribute to being sick.  The other 1.6 I earned by really watching myself this Thanksgiving, and trying to have my focus be someplace else, rather than food.  I'm sure the other 2 pounds, I'll regain as soon as I start eating "normally" again.  I'm OK with that.  Remind me I said that next week, will ya?

I did drag my finally feeling halfway human self to a Weight Watchers meeting this morning, because I wanted to get all of the new plan materials.  I spent 3 days this past week on the new PointsPlus program (M-W), and while still dismayed that wine is double the original points value, I am doing OK with it.  It is absolutely new to wrap my mind around, and once I can quit comparing to the old plan I will be OK.  It is really hard that I don't just automatically know the points value of foods, or that I can no longer look at a label and know the value, but I'm sure that will soon pass, once I learn to trust the plan, and prove that I can lose weight on it.

A few have asked why I don't just stick with the original program if it was working so well for me.  The answer is simple - a huge part of my success has been eTools, the online food tracking option that Weight Watchers has.  Since I'm at a computer the majority of my day, eTools makes it super easy to put in what I'm eating and doing.  eTools switches... so do I.  Also, I want to be able to relate to new/existing members of Weight Watchers.  I want to be able to encourage and help people -give them new food ideas, and be able to calculate the points plus values.  I owe you guys that. 

You know another thing I'm excited about?  That so many people ARE excited about the new Weight Watchers program.  I know a lot of people who've been struggling and are now coming back to it because of the new program, with a renewed sense of "getting it done."  And there are new people now trying Weight Watchers for the first time.  While in theory, it really is the same old "eat less and move more" concept, giving it a new face/name has given people renewed strength, and I love that! 

If you are in this category my hope for you today is that you give it your all and stick to it!  Make the lifestyle change forever!  If you get off track, so what?  Let every meal, every day be a new opportunity for you.  Don't wait until Monday.  Do this like you mean it.  Want it more than anything else.  Do it because you are worth it and you deserve it!  Keep the reason you are doing this always with you, and use that as motivation.  For me it is this picture.  I could not be the best mom to that sweet little boy given the weight I was in this picture.  It would not have been fair to him:


You will NEVER regret it.  I have not regretting one minute of having to "watch my eating", not one minute of running, not one cent of the money I paid to Weight Watchers before hitting goal, not one minute of attending meetings, or standing in line to weigh in, not one cent I've spent at the grocery store on healthier foods, not one gym membership bill, or 5 am morning working out.  Neither will you, I promise!

I have to be honest with you guys...


Wow... shouting that out loud actually really helped.  Now deep breaths.

So, I warned you I wasn't a fan of change, and I will admit my head wasn't in the best place coming in to this, but I promised to give it a chance.... I mean I don't have alot of other choices other than gaining all my weight back, and that isn't going to happen... EVER!  I am still giving it it's chance.  If I would have written this yesterday - just couldn't bring myself to - it would have sounded even more whiny, but luckily 24 hours have passed and I've finally finished overhyperventilating (that cannot possibly be a word) about the following things:

• Wine is 4 points for a serving.  It used to be 2.  Excuse me?  As I posted on my facebook status yesterday:  "The person that decided that is on my list... and not the list where I send you a Christmas gift."  I like wine.  I really do.  So does my sister, remember?  Maybe it runs in the family?  Although, I'm pretty sure my dad drank Coors Light, and my mom is a Bloody Mary person for sure!  Sorry mom, I guess that's on the Internet now too.  So, I'm not sure why wine is now double the points, but I still don't like it any more than I did yesterday.  I am dealing much better now with it though after a couple of glasses.
• My Thomas Bagel Thin - formerly 1 point, and 1 Tbsp of peanut butter (formerly 2 points) breakfast is now 6 points!  Cry, whine, sad, sucks, boo hiss.  'Nuff said.
• There does not appear to be 1/2 points.  Do you super-type "A" Weight Watchers trackers know what I mean?  Oh... no one raised their hand... guess I'm secretly the only one.  Well... in case you don't, eTools used to let you sometimes do 1/2 points.  For instance 1/4 cup of shredded cheese was 3 points on the old plan, if you did 1/8 cup it was 1.5 points, its now 2 on the new plan.  Everything seems to round up (maybe not true, but that is how it seems to me right now).

Given all that, I managed my first day on the new plan (Monday), and I'm almost done living through my second.  A few other things I'll point (ha ha bad unintentional pun) out:

• My new daily points target according to eTools is 29.  So I do get 6 more points a day than I used to, but I don't get double (as everything seems to be)!
• Fruit is all 0 points, even bananas.  People in the Weight Watchers world seem to be going crazy happy about this.  I find that funny.  I mean I love bananas as much as the next person, but seriously, did you see the points value of wine?  That is what we should focus on people.  New strategy... if I want more than 1 glass of wine a day I must eat only bananas for breakfast and lunch.
• Fruit is 0 points, but 1 cup of peas is 3 points?  That was a bad dinner mistake.  Too bad peas are the only vegetable my husband and child will actually eat.
• On the bright side of things, the weekly points allowance is 49 - up from 35, and it seems that activity points are sometimes higher.  For instance 25 minutes of running used to earn me 3 activity points, now its 5.  I see more wine in my future.
• Points are no longer figured using calories as a guide.  They are figured with some super secret formula that top secret scientists, obviously much smarter than myself, and most definitely non-drinkers came up with using:  total carbs, fiber, fat, and protein NOT calories.

Thanks for listening to my whine. 
I KNOW I will be OK on this plan.  Let me say that again, so I can start to talk myself into believing it.  I KNOW I will be OK on this plan.  I know that it is a good plan.  I do trust Weight Watchers.  All that said, it is going to definitely take some getting used to, that's for sure.  I am not crazy about the timing.  So many things coming up during the holidays that I don't even feel I can estimate the points for.  I feel like I'm in my first week again, knowing nothing. 

The worst part is that I am scared to eat.  Yes I am.  I don't automatically know the points value of a food, and I'm fearful of eating it and finding out some crazy number- like the wine and the peas.  Guess I'll be eating lots of fruit for awhile (good luck finding anything good in Minnesota this time of year).

Anyone else out there try the new PointsPlus plan already?  What do you think?