This past week was both one of the best and one of the worst weeks of my life. 
Let's recap:
1) Appointment where my doctor erased obesity from my medical record - SCORE!
2) 3 year old has sedated brain MRI
3) Hit Lifetime goal at Weight Watchers
4) Waiting, waiting, and waiting some more for MRI results
5) Was the receipt of an absolutely gorgeous, prize winning quilt made my my uber talented brother in law Brian
6) The absolutely wonderful news that my little boy is 100% A-OK!

So... I've needed a few days to recover.  You can see why, I'm sure.  And now I think I can finally write THE POST.  The one where I tell you all about what it is like after 2 years of being on this journey to finally be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. 

So... what I have to tell you might shock you.  It is exactly like being on the non-lifetime losing side of Weight Watchers, except I don't have to pay as long as I stay at/below my goal weight.  For now I want to lose about another 12 pounds, but even after that is gone, and I'm truly on maintenance I plan on still counting my points, weighing in near weekly whenever possible, and exercising 5-6 days a week.  This is my life now, and I would not trade it for anything!

But let's back up.  Two years ago from yesterday - the 16th of October 2008 - I walked into my first Weight Watchers meeting.  It's still the one I go to - still the same leader.  I signed up and walked up to the scale and weighed.  It was my first time meeting CCWL.  I know neither of us knew that this was the beginning of the end... of maybe the end of the beginning - I guess it depends on how you are looking at it.  I stepped on the scale that day and I weighed 281.4 pounds.  Yep... I have now disclosed my true before weight.  I've always disclosed how much I lost, but never how much I weighed.  I figure if knowing can help even one person stay the course, then any embarrassment I feel at that number is ten times worth it.  And, since my weight no longer defines me, I am telling myself I am OK with it all.  Anyways... I digress.

That day I felt hope, but I also felt completely overwhelmed at the task that was now in front of me.  My doctor had asked me to get to at least 175 pounds as a goal weight.  I needed to lose 106.4 pounds to reach 175 pounds.  It seemed like an insurmountable task.  But never once did I think "I can't do this."  Never once did I consider giving up.  I took 5 pounds at a times, and  I did that 21 times.  21 gold stars can now be counted on my bookmark.  21, 5 pound losses. 

Thursday as I sat in my meeting and listened as my CCWL read an excerpt from my Erasure post, I honestly felt that it could not be happening to me.  As she read my own words about the quiet moment with my doctor, how there was no confetti (cue confetti being now tossed all over me) and no trumpets (cue the whistle from another lifetime member who lost 100+ pounds from the back row), I realized that I am NOT the same person that started this journey 2 years ago.  I am completely different.  I am not the same inside and I am not the same outside.  People will question this... I know it... but until you have lost 100+ pounds you cannot begin to understand how it changes you, how it changes your reaction to the world/people around you.  The same things are no longer important to me.  I carry myself completely differently.  I smile at strangers, I dare to do things I never would have before, I enjoy dressing up and looking good, I enjoy a good run, and the feel of sweat down my back.  I am NOT the same.  I am forever changed.  I am a Lifetime Weight Watchers member.

On that day in October 2 years ago I decided that I alone would be responsible for my success or failure.  This was my game to play.  I could either play it with all my heart, or not.  I am not ashamed today to say that I am proud of myself - proud of what I have done for myself.  But I realized on Thursday (and honestly probably before Thursday) that there is another person in this game that is responsible for my success as well - My Crazy Weight Watchers Leader!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for what you saw in me all along, and made me see in myself - that NO journey is too hard or impossible when you believe that you are worth it!  That I was capable of doing this, that I was capable of even running a 5k.  I sat in that room on Thursday making lifetime because of you!    You've profoundly helped me changed my life.  You've enabled the success of so many before me, and will for so many after me.  I want to be like you when I grow up.  I mean it.  So cheers to you!

Of course, like I said before, this journey is far from over.  My life has just begun... and now I'm going to actually live it, instead of stand by and watch it happen!

Today I became an official card carryin' member of the Weight Watchers Lifetime family!  There were trumpets (OK, whistles actually) and confetti (unlike my doctor's appointment the other day).  It was emotional.  Tonight, I really really wanted to go out to a nice dinner with my family to celebrate, but after waiting 3 times longer than they told us we left with a crabby, hungry 3 year old in tow and no dinner, no celebration.  I can't pretend I was not disappointed, but in perspective I will remind myself that this is not about a dinner out to celebrate.  This is about getting my life back, that is something I get to celebrate every single day!  I celebrate it when I run for 30 minutes without stopping, slip into size 8 pants, and hear my little boy ask for apples instead of french fries. 

I have much more to say, but right now this week has left me completely emotionally drained (still no MRI results yet), and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep (and possibly cry).

I promise a full post on my thoughts about reaching lifetime this weekend... cross my heart!

Oh yeah, and I'm down 1.6 pounds today for a total loss of 109 pounds even.  On to 110 next week!

Alternatively titled... how could I be so stupid?

So ALL week I have been fretting and fretting and fretting some more about my weight being up and this being my last weigh in to hit Lifetime.  So today... I go and weigh in and surprisingly am down 1.4 pounds. I seriously must have lost it between leaving home in the morning and my meeting at noon.  AND... even more surprisingly I found out I have one more week left.  OOPS!!!  I feel like a complete dork, with all my worrying, to find out it is NOT the week. 

On to next week.  Oh how cruel fate is, that now this week is my LAST week before Lifetime.  See today I scheduled my son's MRI.  He'll be having a sedated full brain MRI on Wednesday morning at 7:30 am.  I also have my own checkup on Monday morning.  It is going to be a stressful week.  I'm going to do everything I can to not turn to food - instead I will run... maybe even away.  At least that's how I feel right now.  So please keep little "L" in your thoughts and prayers (as I write this he is singing a song about poop from his bed - yes it is WAAAY past bedtime and he is not asleep).  He is only 3... and has already had more than his share in his short lifetime.  I don't believe God makes mistakes, and I am trying to believe that God didn't save him at birth just to have this happen 3 years later.

So... sorry for being a complete dork.  You will be in suspense 1 MORE WEEK!!!

Twas the night before weigh in and all though the house, no cookies were baking, not even for my spouse.  The gym clothes were hung by the door with care, in hopes that I would to the gym them wear...The children child was nestled all snug in his bed while visions of good scale numbers danced in MY head. 

Tomorrow I discover if I'm able to do this... stay at or below goal for the past 6 weeks, with nearly 2 of those weeks being on vacation.  Make it to the coveted... Lifetime!  No longer pay to go to Weight Watchers meetings. 

My weight has been up this week.  Stubborn pounds once again, but regardless of what happens tomorrow this I know: 

• Being at or below my goal weight does not define me as a person.
• Being over my goal weight does not mean I have done anything bad.  It means I am human, or I ate a lot of salt, or I'm stressed out, or my body isn't cooperating.

And ultimately... whatever happens tomorrow... I know I will CRY!  Tomorrow I will be 1 week shy of doing this for 2 FULL years.  In those 2 year I have had one hell of a journey.  Every single pound lost or gained, every single goal celebrated, every single disappointment, every single mile ran, has profoundly changed me forever.

As Zig Ziglar once said, "What you get by achieving your goal is not as important as what you become by achieving your goal."

Zig you were completely right.

I sit here tonight and I feel terrified....
Terrified of what you ask?
Well... let's see:
Gaining this week... which in addition to my gain last Thursday, would likely put me more than 2 pounds over goal, making me the first person EVER to fail the "maintenance" portion of the Weight Watchers program, and not allowing me to make Lifetime.

That is why I am terrified tonight.  I am terrified of failure... of gaining all my weight back.  I'm terrified that the number on the scale is up after an activity filled, completely on plan weekend.  What is up with that?  I am terrified that I'm a slave to the scale.

And if that's not enough for you I have other good stuff:

• My son still has his front soft spot on his head at the age of 3.  None of the doctor's in my ped's practice have seen this before, the neurologists at Children's Hospital have never seen this before, and they want him to have an MRI to check for intracranial pressure - don't google it... nothing good comes up.
• I'm terrified of the cost of the above MRI.  As much as I would love to have a picture of my sweet baby boy's brain hanging on my wall for Christmas I'd much prefer (insert anything else here).
• Did I mention I'm terrified of getting fat/fatter again?  Well it still applies.
• I'm terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant and have another child.  That my child will grow up with a sibling.
• I'm terrified that if I do get pregnant I'll have a preemie again, I'll have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or even worse I'll die.
• I'm terrified that I'll be a burden on my child in my old age.
• I'm terrified that my son will get fat someday.
• I'm terrified that losing all this weight won't have done anything for my PCOS .
• I'm terrified I'm not good enough, that people won't like me, that I suck at group fitness, of being alone anywhere in public, that I will have no one to talk to to and no one will like me if I go to this alone:  One, Breath, One Step.  I'm terrified of starting conversations with strangers.
• I'm terrified that my hormones are out of whack, and that I'll never be normal.  I'm terrified that PCOS will once again remind me that my body is its home.
• I'm terrified that even though I want to have another child I won't be able to afford one.

I guess you could say I have issues.  I am having a REALLY hard time right now with all of the thoughts I've listed above.  I'm having a hard time not taking the entire peanut butter jar and the whole bag of chocolate chips and "solving" the problems above with them.  I'm having a hard time not drinking a whole heck of a lot of wine.  Sometimes, I am actually amazed at my ability to stop emotional eating really quickly these days, but that leaves a whole lot of worrying left to do.

On Saturday my head was full of all of this stuff (still is to be honest), and you know what I did... I ran.  I pounded out 3.5 miles on the treadmill mindlessly staring out the windows at the gym.  Allowing myself to be lost in my thoughts.  I would have gone farther too, but an old injury in my foot was aching.  I tried to envision happy endings to all the worries above as I was running...

• me holding a healthy full term baby
• "L"''s negative MRI results
• Myself making Lifetime
• Myself in 2 years looking thin and watching my children play together
• Myself taking a group fitness class, etc. etc. 

It definitely gave me some relief... although short-lived.

If you think I'm crazy now...you're probably right.  But I think I'm real and you can probably relate - because face it we all have issues.  Something tells me the next few months are going to be quite a ride.  I'm holding on for dear life, and I'm keeping my running shoes really close to the door.

Due to me being exhausted this week and the 2 glasses of wine I drank last evening I was in bed early last night and didn't post my Thursday weigh in.  I am happy to report I am now 1 pound under my goal weight, with a loss of 2.2 pounds this week!  I am actually pretty much back to where I was before my vacation.  That makes me very happy.  I have 3 more weigh ins now until I am officially a Weight Watchers Lifetime member.

Our meeting this week was about asking for help.  This is one area that I am good at.  I do ask for help on this journey, but it didn't start out that way.  I realized yesterday at my meeting that a big reason I didn't ask for help in the beginning was because I was scared to fail - scared to have people see me fail.  Its probably why I didn't start this blog earlier too.  Now that I know I haven't failed, it is much easier.  So I will say this, don't be scared to ask for help, who cares if you fail?  What matters right now is that you are trying, and no one is going to fault you for trying.  The pressure we put on ourselves, is from ourselves, not from others.  We judge ourselves much more harshly than anyone else would... so ask for help when you need it.

I am so incredibly blessed to have the help I need to be successful in this journey.  A HUGE shout out to my husband for everything that he has done to help me reach my goals:

• Kept certain foods out of the house... especially cookies and chips.
• Endured 2 years of me rarely baking anything - I am a sucker for cakes, pies, desserts, whatever!
• Yelled at me when I am in the honey roasted peanut jar... again.
• Brought me fresh produce... and flowers, from the farmer's market.
• Supported me as I worked to fit exercise into our busy lives.
• Played with our son, bathed our son, got our son out of bed and dressed and fed and off to daycare countless times to allow me to exercise instead.
• Pretty much gave up eating out accept for rare occasions.
• Stood in the chilly gray day on my first 5k and cheered me on.  Will stand tomorrow on another chilly gray day and cheer me on my second.
• Continued to love me despite my changing inside and outside.
• Always asks about my weigh in every Thursday.
• Reminds me that I shouldn't weigh myself so much, because the scale is often evil.
• Laughs nervously as I commit to donating 107.5 pounds of food.

Thank you, thank you thank you.  I'm sure it has not been easy to sit by and watch your wife morph into a totally different person over the last 2 years, but I cannot even begin to express my appreciation to having you be the person by my side as it has happened.  I am forever thankful for you help!

There are so many bits and pieces to catch you up on... so here's to a rambling post, while I sip a glass of wine!

1)  Weigh in Thursday... up 2.4 pounds from the past 2 weeks.  Best ever I have done on vacation.  Yes I am happy about this gain, because the last time I went to Montana on vacation I GAINED 6 POUNDS!  This puts me 1.2 above my goal weight.  I have 4 more weigh ins to Lifetime.  I will get it off soon!  I also want to say what a great Weight Watchers meeting.  CCWL... you outdo yourself each week.  It was about slow weight loss, and how the .2s and .4s and .6s and .8s add up... and really they do... I am living proof!

2)  4 MILES!  Yep... that's how far I ran yesterday.  I believe it took me between 42 and 43 minutes.  It is the farthest I've ever run.  It was a great run.  I felt so strong!  I felt so empowered and was smiling the whole time!  Don't you just wish you could bottle up those runs and save them to think about when you have a really shitty run?  Do I think I can do a 10k?  Well... haven't quite talked myself into that one yet.  But if I do you'll be the first to know.

3) Speaking of running... my Great Prostate Cancer Challenge run in this Saturday, September 25th! at Lake Nokomis and Minneapolis, MN.  I am so honored to be running in memory of my dad.  It will be a wonderful and emotional day I am sure.  I hope that we can find a cure for prostate cancer - for all cancers, and I am honored to be a part of this event.  I am so blessed to have made my original goal of raising $300, but I am hoping to go above and beyond and get to at least $400 before race time next Saturday.  Even small donations count, so please if you can help check out my race page:  GPCC Race Page.  This is one race I can't wait to recap!!!

5) Mirrors.  Saw myself in one the other day, and honestly did not know myself.  I need a post about this, but it is still so shocking to me.  What happened to me?  Where did I go?  I know everyone says... you are still the same person inside though.  Guess what?  I'm not.  At all.  I am a totally different person!  It's good, but very hard to change your identity at 33. 

6) Guest post... from my sister, as promised coming up this week.  I PROMISE!  There are pictures involved, so stay tuned...

Oh... and I have some exciting news to share this week regarding the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign, and my own donation to try and help end hunger!  Sorry to keep you hanging on that one with the teaser, but a girl has to have some content for her posts this week!