Today is National Prematurity Awareness Day.
The Empire State Building is lit in purple tonight in honor of it.

Just over 4 years ago, I knew nothing about premature birth.  The thought of it never even crossed my mind.  I didn't realize it could happen to me, and then on August 9th, 2007 I became suddenly and unexpectedly aware of premature birth, when my own little preemie entered the world at 3 pounds 4 oz and 16.5 inches long.  He was born too early, because I developed HELLP syndrome - a very severe form of preeclampsia.  The only way to save me and him was for him to enter the world... early!

27 hard, and yet precious days in the NICU followed.  I can honestly say that I still remember two of the nurses there distinctly - Debbie and Amy.  I will never be able to express to them how much they did for our family during those 27 days. 

I remember the day we brought him home.  I remember being terrified that this preemie was now living in my home with me.  We had a year of RSV shots, avoiding other people, and being scared at every little symptom.

I still walk into a hospital and can smell that distinct, antiseptic soap smell.  It's all it takes for the memories of isolettes and NG tubes to come racing back.

Today... thanks to modern medicine my preemie is a 36 pound, 4 year old.  He is in the 50th percentile for weight, and the 70th for height.  He wasn't even on the charts until he was 2.  He is smart, and fun, and social.  He loves computers, scrambled eggs, and music.  He can be sassy and sweet within the same 10 minutes, and sometimes he stands in the middle of my living room and poops his pants on purpose... I'd say he is a normal 4 year old boy... wouldn't you?  He bounced back from his early start... and then some!

Baby "L" saved me from a life of obesity.  It is because of my preemie that I decided I finally had to do something about my weight.  It makes me almost teary-eyed when he now shows pride that I'm his mommy.

"L" 1 day old

"L" 1 year old

"L" - 2 years old

"L" - 3 years old

"L" - 4 years old

Don't be a fool like me and think it can't happen to you.  1 in 8 babies are born too soon.  Prematurity is the number one killer of newborns!  I support the March of Dimes, as they try to lower these statistics.

Yes... you all know that Lily is a miracle, but my first born is also a miracle!  And he was even tinier than she was!  I am the luckiest mom in the world to be the mother of 2 miracles! 

I am 34 weeks and I am sick (again) with a horrible cold.  I decided, I want my immune system back, thank you!  Last time I had a cold it spiked my blood pressure, so I'm thinking with an impending doctor appointment tomorrow, tonight might be a good night to pack my hospital bag - the number 1 task I keep putting off.

I wanted to thank all of you for your kind emails and comments after my last pregnancy update, about how overwhelmed I am.  While, I am still overwhelmed, I did cross a few things off my list, including installing the infant carseat in the back of my car.  Can I just say how incredibly strange it is to look back there and see not 1, but 2 carseats?  Its also probably one of the biggest leaps of faith of my life, because putting it in there means that somewhere deep down, I believe that I will at some point, be bringing this baby home to permanently join our family.  I wouldn't have done this at 19 weeks, 24 weeks, or even 28 weeks.  But, I was ready to make that leap this past weekend.

After tomorrow, I will only have 3 doctor's appointments until I hopefully deliver on the 16th!  Next week will be the last growth scan of the baby... grow baby girl, grow, grow, grow!

Shamefully I admit that I have so far gained 44 pounds!  YIKES!  How did that happen?  I am working on a post about concrete goals post-pregnancy, and how I intend to get back to my lifetime goal weight, even if I have a baby in the hospital, have extra stress, and despite anything else that comes my way.  I know it is not going to be easy, but I thought that laying it out there will help me be prepared.  I'm also very excited to buy and fit in fun clothes again.  As fall nears, I see these beautiful outfits, but can't buy anything!  At least it is easier on my wallet that way, right?

I have quite a bit of fear going into this week.  This was the week I got sick with my son and developed HELLP syndrome.  He was delivered at 34 weeks and 6 days.  I can't help, but think about that as I pass through this week.  From the moment I had a positive pregnancy test back in January, I couldn't help but be scared about getting HELLP again.  I thought I would dread it the whole pregnancy.  Well... then the Bubble Burst at my 19 week ultrasound, and it wasn't about me focusing on my health concerns anymore.  It was about all of the concerns with the baby.  While it has been a terrifying and horrible distraction from my own issues, it was a distraction none-the-less.  I have come full circle to focusing back on myself, and worrying a little about myself.  I admit it, I'm scared, and while the baby, as always, can use your extra thoughts and prayers, I could use a few in the coming weeks as well.

You know the saying "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels?"  Since I've been losing weight I've seen it everywhere.  I actually kind of hate it.  I mean, I have lost over 107 pounds, and I still don't feel thin.  I don't know if I'll ever actually feel thin, but I sure as heck know how a really, really good piece of cheesecake tastes.  I certainly understand the intent of the saying though, and after today I think I've finally begun to appreciate it, but I'll replace it with my own version:

"Nothing tastes as good as having OBESITY permanently erased from your medical record feels."

NOTHING!  Seriously... NOTHING! 

Today I had my yearly checkup.  I am down 40 pounds from my last checkup, and 110 pounds from my checkup 2 years ago... the one that put my plans to lose weight into motion.  And today... while reviewing my medical record, my doctor said to me, "I think we can go ahead and get rid of this now."  And with a couple of keystrokes I watched as he erased the diagnosis of Obesity from my medical record.  It was a silent, yet powerful moment had between a doctor and a patient in a cold exam room, on a random Monday in October.  There were no trumpets that sounded or magical confetti that flew down from the ceiling as he pressed backspace and hit save.  There were no high fives exchanged.  But regardless, it was one of the top highlights of the last 2 years of my life!  He erased it, and just like that it was gone, then he said "You have done well." and we moved on.  Simple, yet incredibly profound.

We moved on to the blood pressure part of the exam.  I have never had a problem outside of pregnancy with my blood pressure.  But when I heard my current blood pressure, I would not believe it belonged to a now formerly obese, once severely preeclamptic, prediabetic like me.  98/62.  Let me repeat that 98/62.  I have never once in my life seen my blood pressure with the top number below 100. 

I have never been so tangibly reminded that I am no longer obese, that I am a regular exerciser, that I am a runner!  I am not who I once was.  The health problems that plagued me in the past are nearly erased.  This is a new game now.  I game that I feel lost in because I don't know any of the new rules. 

Obesity Erasure.  And with that there is one remaining item on my medical history that I can't wait to see erased... PCOS. 

Obesity, you lose and I win.  PCOS, you better watch your back, just ask Obesity.  Bring it... I'm ready!  GAME ON!

I suppose I should introduce myself.  I'm Sarah.  I'm 33 years old, and I'm still fat, but not as fat as I was 18 months ago. 

You see ... as of today I've managed to lose 91.8 pounds.  I know the next question.  I hear it several days a week.  How'd you do it?  I don't have any voodoo magic to share with you.  Sorry!  Here's my secret... huddle in now... wait for it... I strictly watch what I eat EVERY single day, right it all down, and I exercise most days a week, usually instead of doing something like going out for lunch, or happy hour.  Not very fun huh? 
But much better to be this:

Yikes!!! That hurts my eyes people.  Seriously... How did I let that happen?    Well.... I let it happen over many many many years of being overweight, obese... fat.  Whatever you want to call it, I was it.  I was the fat kid, the fat teenager, the fat bride, and finally the fat pregnant lady.  I loved myself, I had good friends/family, and I felt people accepted me, but  It all came down around me on August 9, 2007. 

See that sweet boy sitting on my lap in the scary picture above?  That's my sweet baby that was born that night.  Let's call him "L".  He was born 5 weeks early, weighed 3 lbs 4 oz, and spent 27 days in the NICU at the hospital.  He was born early because I developed HELLP syndrome - a very serious and rare from of preeclampsia that can lead to liver failure and even maternal death.  L and I, we're lucky.  We both came out of it relatively unscathed.  Sure, he's a little small, but it hasn't effected his ability to flourish one bit.  After L was born I continued my "old lifestyle" for over a year before I was finally told flat out by my doctor that my weight was likely a "contributing factor" to my pregnancy issues - oh yeah there were multiple issues, but let's not go there right now.  I was also advised to lose weight prior to any more pregnancies.  WOW!  I almost killed myself and this sweet little boy, because I like bon-bons too much?  That was a selfish thing to do.  And so, the very next week I walked into Weight Watchers and vowed to change myself.  I had to... I had that sweet little boy to think about now. 

And that pretty much brings you to now.  I've followed Weight Watchers since October 2008.  Let's see that's 18 months!!! I lost my first 50 lbs with no exercise, and then last April I started going to Curves.  Oh yeah... and now I've lost my last piece of sanity and am signed up to run a 5k in June.  June 12, 2010 to be exact.  It will be a day that lives in infamy.  See, my family, we are not runners.  So, stay tuned for that one.  I just started training this week, and will have a post coming soon.

In closing (isn't that how you were taught to write an essay... it has been a long time people).  I have a favorite quote.  "A journey of a thousand miles, must begin with a single step"
- Lao Tzu
I live by that every day!