In the journey of weight loss – big time weight loss, where you need to change the first number on your weight at least once if not more times – there is a special place that you always long to be.  Most of us losing weight refer to that place as “Onederland”.  Definition = the place you get to when the first digit on your weight is a ONE!

Happy New Year!  Yes, yes, I know its already 4 days in... I'm a little slow preoccupied these days yet, but I really, really wanted to get back here and set up my goals for 2012.  I am determined to make this the year that I reclaim myself.

You'll remember (or not if you are new... by the way, welcome) that last year I set out some specific goals, and then pregnancy happened, and that pregnancy turned into a sweet pumpkin named Lily, who just happened to be missing an "X" chromosome, and who threw us all for a loop.  So.. my year did not turn out at all like I imagined, and my goals pretty much went to the wayside.

Enter 2012.  The year that I am determined to reclaim the skinny me and my sanity.

Goal #1:  Reclaim the skinny Sarah.  Fit back into my pants.
So... its the typical New Year's resolution if you want to call it that.  The difference is for me this is a goal not a resolution.  In 9 months I gained 45ish pounds.  I had a 5 pound baby, and I lost 2 pounds.  HA!  Not kidding.  When I weighed in back at Weight watchers 2 weeks ago, I was up 43 pounds from my goal weight.  I have since lost around 3 pounds.  I am wearing 14s and 16s, when last year at this time I was a svelte 8.  I hate not fitting into my pants.  They were cute pants, they were nice pants.  I liked them.  So, 2012 is my year to fit back into my pants again.

It took me 9 months to gain 40+ pounds and I am just fine with it taking 9 months to a year to lose them.  I know what is realistic for me.  I'm not a loser of 2 pounds + a week.  My average weight loss the first time down was 1 pound a week.  At my last weigh in I was around 215.  My goal weight is 175.  I'd like to be down to 199.9 by my birthday in March.  It's March 22.  I have around 11 weeks.  I'd like to be down the other 25 pounds by the end of this year. 

Realistic goals!  I can do this.  I will make this happen.  I know exactly what to do.  I'm a pro at this weight loss stuff.  I lost 115 pounds before, 40 should be a.piece.of.cake!  But I'm still scared.  Scared to fail, scared to be fat.

On the way to reclaiming my skinny self, and my old pants, I'd like to restart a "formal" exercise program this year.  I'm not sure what this means right now.  I haven't run since sometime late last February.  My first step is to figure out what form of exercise and where to exercise will work best for me in this season - tired mother with small infant and preschool son- of my life.  I've considered rejoining Curves as I know it works and its a 30 minute commitment.  I want to run, and I may start up the "run a 5k program" I did before, in the spring once it is lighter later in the evenings.

Goal #2:  Reclaim my sanity
This one is just slighter harder to put out here, as it involves my mental health, and sometimes I think that is a side of myself I'd rather just hide away.  But I feel it needs to be said.  Last year sucked.  It drained the life out of me with my traumatic pregnancy... not to mention the hormones.  I have some lingering issues.  Sometimes I feel sad... really really sad, and I'm not always 100% sure why.  But even a bigger concern is my anxiety levels recently are sky high.  I worry about stuff... and not just little things, but big things... like my kids dying, car accidents, bad things happening to my family.  It is freaky.  I'm nearly positive it is a result of the stress of my pregnancy that has done this to me, but I don't want to live in this stupid constant fear, anger, and sadness. 

I think the food I put in my mouth and finding exercise to do will play a huge role in helping me in this area, as I'm a big believer that physical health and mental health are closely tied together, but I am not going to be ashamed to reach out for help to a therapist/counselor this year to process the events of 2011. 

And so... I will reclaim my sanity, and at the end of 2012, I will be a skinny, sane girl in cute pants!  Shoot for the stars, right?

2012 is going to be better.  I am ready and willing to work on my body, mind, and soul, and discover new lessons along the way.  Welcome 2012... I like you better already.

I have plans.
Plans to join Weight Watchers online for the last 3 weeks... no I'm not a member yet.
Plans to start running again.
Plans to quit eating candy... and pie.
Plans to run a 5k again... someday.
Plans to actually sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.

But you know what the issue with plans is?

They are just that... plans.  They don't have any action behind them.  They are just thoughts.
Thoughts are easy to think, but its the doing that's harder.

Reaching your goals requires you to put your plans into action, and unfortunately action appears to be what I'm lacking these days. 

So what I am waiting for?  I know I said before that I am scared.  No, make that terrified.  I am terrified that I'll try to lose weight again and fail.  Versus the feeling of failure I think staying 35 pounds above my goal weight seems like a better option.  I mean its not like I'm 100+ pounds overweight again.  It's OK to be here, right? 

Nope... it's really not OK.  It's not OK, because being here will lead to be being there - and by there I mean at 281 pounds again - as quickly as I can blink. 

This is what real weight loss looks like.  Even though I once made it to goal, I still don't have all the answers.  I struggle every single day.  I think about ever morsel I put in my mouth.  I weigh myself too much, I feel guilty for eating a piece of candy... and I judge myself and put myself down for all of these things.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, I don't like the number on the scale, but yet I'm not doing anything about it.

My body feels like a war zone.  It nourished a baby for 9 month, and now both physically and emotionally I have been through the accumulated stress of about 20 years in those 9 months.  I still feel uncertainty about things that are ahead of us... like an appointment with the pediatric surgeon tomorrow.  I still have a life time of worrying to do about my daughter.

And yet... putting crap in my mouth, and refusing to take care of myself like I deserve is not going to solve those problems.  And that is what I battle this time around.

So tomorrow I end it all... tomorrow I start taking care of myself again, and putting my plans into action.  I can do this again.  I am worth it.  I am not a failure.  I am strong, and I will succeed.  I will do it for myself, and I will do it for these people
I'm back baby!

P.S. CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newer readers) in a few weeks I'm coming back to "see" you.  I hope you have a giant box of tissues ready because remember what I said about the stress of 20 years in the last 9 months?  I have a feeling that's going to come out as watery drops through the eyes.  Its going to be a fun holiday season, huh?

Happy May!  Isn't it great to think that we made it through April... and now are on to May?  In Minnesota, it should have meant sunny skies and playing outside, but instead May 1st brought snow pellets on my windshield and a temperature that never made it above 40 degrees.  Today isn't any better, as I once again had snow pellets on my windshield and feel like I need gloves when I go outside.  We have company arriving from beautiful British Columbia this afternoon, and I'm sure they are going to be frozen by the end of the week!

Many of the blogs I read do monthly goals at the beginning of each month.  I've never done it, but always thought it was a great idea.  So I thought I'd have my hand at it this month.  My goals are going to be, for obvious reasons, less weight loss related, but still related to health, and also actually to other life goals.

Walk, walk, walk... no more excuses:  Right now I am not doing ANY exercise - hanging my head in shame and sorry to admit that fact.  I have let the nasty weather we've had this spring (cold and wet) along with my constant nausea be an excuse for me.  And while both of those are honestly legit, I need to stop the madness.  I feel so sloth-like, so lethargic.  So, my goal for May is going for a walk 3-4 times a week .  It sounds almost like a lazy goal, but I know it is what is most realistic for me right now.  Even if I feel tired or nauseous, I think a little fresh air would be good.  I don't have to be an Olympic walker, whatever I can do is more than what I'm doing already, right?

Eat less junk - Again, am I really the role model you signed up to follow?  OK, don't answer that question, because I still want you around.  But seriously, I have been putting so much junk into my body.  This morning it was kettle corn, and over the weekend brownies.  I am not eating very healthy, and while a lot of that again has to do with nausea and food aversions I'm having, I still have some control, over what I eat.  I may not be able to stomach fruit and yogurt for breakfast, and will probably still need simple carbs, but a Sara Lee whole grain bagel with light cream cheese, is an obviously better choice than a giant store-bought muffin or scone... even I knew that Day 1 of Weight Watchers.  Or some plain air popped popcorn is better than kettle corn, or some whole grain crackers with laughing cow cheese, is better than dill pickle chips topped with beef jerky (true... just don't even ask).  While I might not be downing veggie strips with hummus or a bowl of steamed broccoli anytime soon, I know I can certainly still make much better choices.

Eat out less Same old excuses, I'm too tired or too sick to make dinner, so we end up out.  To the tune of $125+ over our normal monthly budget for this expense last month!  Not sure how to combat this, other than having really quick things on hand that I can make regardless of how I feel.  More grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, and pancakes look to be in our immediate future I guess.

Finish my new blog design Yes... the cat's out of the bag.  I have actually been working on a brand spanking new blog design since early February - yep... I'm not very speedy.  My last main thing is creating a new header for my blog.  I found a photo I'm definitely using, and just have to figure out how to integrate it into the header with the words I want.  Sounds easy... but sure as heck hasn't been.  I'm really excited about the new streamlined design, and can't wait to share it with you!

So those are MY May goals.   Now stay tuned to see how I do.
What about you?  What are YOUR goals for May?