I forgot what it used to be like to sit and stare at a blank page and want to write so many things, but it's impossible to get them out of your head and onto the page!  It's overwhelming and yet it feels OH SO GOOD to have this outlet again!  Thank you for those that are reading along again and have already reached out to me.  It has been so fun to reconnect with you!

So where do I possibly even start with where my life has been the last 5 years... there's way too much for you to catch up on.  So I've decided a blog theme day is in order - Throwback Thursday - to recap certain parts of the last 5 years of my life.  I hesitate where to start but maybe I'll start with surgeries.

Not mine, Lily's.

Over a span of less than 3 years my daughter had 7 surgeries... yep 7 - you read that right.  Let's see if I can remember:

1. Ears
2. Ears/Adenoids
3. Hygroma Removal - Back of Head
4. Ears
5. Ears/Sinuses
6. Hygroma Removal - Part 2
7. Ears/Tonsils

Just writing that all seems a little unbelievable.  Sure, I know that there are kids that have WAY more surgeries and most of hers were certainly "routine", but when your baby is going under anesthesia and a knife it takes an emotional toll on you.

First, you pretend it doesn't bother you.  You say things like - oh it's no big deal!  You act brave, you act like it's just "normal".

Then you tell yourself that this will probably be the last one, so just hang in there.  Make it through this and you are golden!

Finally you realize it isn't the last one and the time comes where your preschooler has to stay overnight in the hospital and is in excruciating pain, you sit there helpless and bust out in tears because there is nothing you can do, and this - this awful dark place has become more the norm than the exception!  So you eat 5 brownies with thick, fudge frosting, and half a pizza and wash it down with 7up mixed secretly with Vodka and it dulls your pain - momentarily.  And you gain 8-10 or so pounds.

8-10 - 7 times .... that 60+ pounds of weight you've gained in addition to the 60 or so pounds of "baby weight" you never lost in the first place.  And the world grows a little darker...your clothes grow a little tighter...  your skin is awful because you don't take care of yourself.  You buy one of the biggest sizes of jeans you've ever worn in your life.  You're disgusted with yourself.  Some days you hate yourself.  Your eyes are puffy because you cry more than you don't...

And one day you look in the mirror - like really look in the mirror and take stock of everything and you see this...

Summer 2016

Where this person once stood...

Goal weight - Summer 2010

Every.single.day I am reminded of my failures when I look at myself in the mirror.  Because gaining weight back after a HUGE loss has to be one of the worst things I've ever experienced emotionally.  It's shameful!  I'm still wrapping my head around it.  It's screws with your mind.

This morning - I came across this quote in my timehop on Facebook from before Lily was born


Forget... forget and forgive myself.  The past is the past.  I have no ability to change it or control it.  But I CAN move forward.  We can all move forward.  I'm going to do this!!!  And so can you!

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up.  And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.

You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with:  I don't like myself very much right now. 

See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily.  Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear.  I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning.  And so, I ate.  I don't like what I see when I look at myself.   I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans.  I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.

Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult.  She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in.  Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat!  My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days.  I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me!  I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this.  We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues.  And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet.  As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.

Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing.  I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower.  For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes.  I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen.  Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break. 

I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment.  And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!

The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress.  Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom.  And it adds to the stress.  And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues.  When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.

I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy.  I'm just sharing where I'm at right now.  Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do.  But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning:  "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."  I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good. 

So... no one in this house seems to be able to get their weight to change much.
Lily is gaining, but SLOWLY!  At her 2 month checkup on Wednesday she was 7 lbs 11 oz.  She is currently on Prilosec for reflux, and while it has helped some, overall the reflux seems to be worse lately.  She often refuses to eat and when she does eat she will squirm and complain like we are torturing her.  And now the projectile vomiting has started.  I would be lying, if I didn't admit that I am worn out and stressed beyond belief from all of this.  I guess I assumed having the pregnancy from hell would give us an easier time on the other side, but as you can see this certainly hasn't been the case.  Yesterday Lily had an upper GI study, which didn't show anything that would require surgery.

Today we are headed to see a speech therapist for some of the aversion to eating issues.  I really hope we can find something that helps her soon!  I feel like the time to enjoy her during these early months is slipping away, and find myself sad.

As for me... well... my weight this week is really barely better than last week.  I am down .2.  Which makes an overall loss over 2 weeks .1 of a pound (yes, that is a point in front of the 1).  Mathematically it doesn't even make sense, because I'm definitely taking in enough reduced calories to equal at least a 1-2 pound loss, and yet I lose .2.  Very frustrated and down about it, and with all the stress regarding Lily's reflux and eating issues, I just don't have the energy to even deal with it all right now.

As stressed, exhausted, and frustrated as I am right now.  I am so incredibly thankful every morning to kiss my sweet little girl's head, that for those moments it all just melts away!

Guess who is going to be trekking to CVS or Walmart for daily blood pressure checks?  Yep... yours truly!  I'm not about to spend only a couple of weeks with my beloved first trimester, so I guess I better figure out a way to get it down!
Every time I have a doctor's appointment I get myself so worked up.  This morning was no exception.  I was feeling especially anxious given the revealing of the possible encephalocele last week.  I also feel as we get closer the "when will I go to the doctor, and not come home, but go straight to the hospital" feeling.  I have a lot of anxiety surrounding that as a result of my previous pregnancy.

The good news is baby girl passed her biophysical profile today with flying colors.  The ultrasound tech gave her an 8 out of 8.  BPP measure 4 things - amniotic fluid, gross motor movements, fine motor movements (muscle tone), and breathing.  Baby girl did all things perfectly - she of course is like her mama - and even moved from a transverse (cross ways position) to head down during my ultrasound, which caused the tech to take about a 2 minute break, while we all watched her go nuts on the screen!  I also had her growth checked today and while she isn't growing as normally as a "normal" baby would she is growing compared to herself.  Overall I am measuring at about 28 ish weeks, and I'm 29.  Baby girl is about 2-1/2 pounds.

The not so good news... because there ALWAYS has to be some, is that I unfortunately did not fair so well.  I have pre-hypertension.  My first blood pressure was 138/86.  Clinical hypertension is 140/90.  I was told that when they took it again, and if it was that high, they would start running my labs.  Not how I wanted to spend my day.  The second time they took it, I thought happy thoughts of Hawaiian beaches and I was able to get it down to 133/79.  I'm still unhappy with the top number, which is up 18 points from last week, but the bottom number is actually a little lower than last week.  I have to take my blood pressure daily, and call my numbers in tomorrow and Tuesday.  I see the doctor again next Thursday. 

I really, really need a couple more weeks before this starts creeping up.  I didn't have any protein in my urine, so it could just be an isolated incident.  If no preeclampsia signs follow and it stays higher than normal, they would just put me on blood pressure meds, according to the doctor. 

True confession time - I did eat a lot of potato chips, it has been ungodly hot here, AND I haven't walked in over a week.  So now, I need to stop eating potato chips and start walking, right?  The heat is out of my control.  I told the doctor and nurse to STOP stressing me out so much.  Jeez, you'd expect with a pregnancy this stressful, that it might be even higher!

A few weeks ago a sweet lady from one of the Weight Watchers meeting I have attended in the past wrote me an email.  She knew I was a bit down on myself, because I lost this weight in order to get pregnant, and now I feel like it didn't even matter - I'm still stuck in the nightmare pregnancy - regardless of the 115 pounds that were shed from my body.  Some days I feel like my body is such a failure, and it really hurts. 

She suggested I make a list of 100 positive things that have come out of losing weight, so that I could see that there are tons of other things other than this pregnancy to focus on.  I'm having a horribly hard time getting to 100... so without further delay I've decided to share the list of my first 50.

Have you lost weight?  Then this would be a great idea for you too!  Make your list and comment with it here, or post it on your blog and share a link so I (and anyone else) can read it.

1. Set a positive example for my son
2. Don’t have to worry anymore about being the “fattest mom”
3. Don’t have to worry about my son being ashamed of me for my weight
4. If the 3 year old runs away from me, I can CATCH him!
5. A little one that adores a walk or playing outside more than watching TV... most times!
6. I’ll be around longer to love my family
7. I’m a cuter wife
8. I’ve been hit on WOO HOO!
9. Probably because my wedding ring is way too big
10. So is my watch
11. No more Lane Bryant!
12. Clothes are smaller, so take up less space in closet and suitcase
13. No longer worried about being the embarrassing mom
14. Obesity erased from my medical record
15. Don’t need the extra-large blood pressure cuff
16. Less joint pain
17. No plantar fasciitis
18. Less back pain
19. Low blood pressure
20. Lower blood sugars
21. I’m ovulating
22. Don’t need the extra large gowns at the Dr or hospital
23. Way less colds and flu
24. Weight actually matches driver’s license! OK… maybe not right now, but it did before I got pregnant.
25. I know what is to try hard at something and win
26. I know the amazing feeling to run across a finish line of a race (and have it mean something).
27. I have made some new amazing friends
28. Not scared of public transit
29. Not scared of fitting in airplane seats
30. Not scared of telling someone my weight
31. Spend less money eating out, because we eat healthier and at home now
32. Was featured in the Star Tribune!
33. Happier… most of the time.
34. Don’t feel like people are always staring at me and disgusted by me
35. Can share fun clothes with sisters and friends
36. Much much easier to walk in heels
37. Son has a lower chance of being overweight
38. Husband also lost weight
39, No more granny panties
40. A bungee jumping cord could hold me... if I was so inclined
41. Fresh fruits and veggies are amazing and make my skin clearer
42. I've been told many times I look way younger now.
43. No more looking at picture of myself and feeling disgusting!
44. People I don't even know look at me for inspiration... still strange to me.
45. I can go back to Weight Watchers after pregnancy for free for 12 weeks!
46. Walking up a flight of stairs doesn't leave me sweaty and winded.
47. I have learned to be more assertive to take care of me and my health.
48. Feel more comfortable in skirts and dresses
49. Don't have to buy bras mail-order
50. Losing weight has given me strategies, strength, and stamina to deal with other issues in life!

Now its your turn.

Since I started this blog, I have never reposted an entry before, but as I was doing some thinking tonight, I reread this post, and it truly hit a spot that is on my heart and mind right now.  This was posted back when I was trying to get pregnant... of course, as you know now, things have not turned out as we ever planned, even though I did get pregnant, and the mistrust of my body, and the immense sadness I feel because of that is back... so why rewrite, what I said so well back just a few months ago.

I've been thinking a lot about failure and trust this week. Specifically the past failure of my body and now my resulting inability to trust it! William D Brown said, "Failure is an event, never a person." The past failure of my body does not make ME a failure. It was simply a series of EVENTS that happened in the past.


So why do I mistrust my body? Well... pretty much ever since I can remember I have been battling Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - widely known as PCOS. It has caused me to stop ovulating making it impossible for me to conceive a child without "help." It also makes me prone to miscarriages. People with PCOS have a 50% rate of miscarriage. In addition to the PCOS, once I got pregnant with my son "L", my body failed to appropriately nourish him, causing him to be born with Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) at 35 weeks, and giving me HELLP syndrome. On top of all of that my body doesn't process sugars correctly giving me both gestational diabetes during pregnancy, and insulin resistance outside of pregnancy.

Yeah... So as you can see I have some valid reasons for the complete mistrust of my body. I guess since I posted this, it isn't necessarily a secret that my husband and I have decided to try and have another child. This is not a decision we came upon lightly - due to all the past difficulties, along with the physical and emotional pain of my past pregnancies. Tonight I was reminded of how this new journey is going to be for me. You'd think that 4 years would have erased it all. But it clearly hasn't. All of the struggles of the past came rushing back to me as I sat in the bathroom tonight with a Dixie cup of pee and a small stick in my hand. NO it is not what you think. I was NOT taking a pregnancy test. I was taking an OPK - otherwise known as an ovulation predictor kit for those of you lucky enough to never need one (wish I knew how that felt even for one moment). The test was negative. It should at least be moving towards positive any day now... and it isn't. So far everything points to NO.

NO, you will not be normal.

NO, you will not ovulate.

NO, weight loss did NOT help you in this area.

NO more kids for you! (OK, I had a brief flash of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi there for a moment... but I digress).

I so desperately want to be normal for once. I so desperately want my body to work as it was intended to. I hate it. I mistrust it. It fails me, and in turn I feel like a COMPLETE failure!

I know, I know, I just need to relax you say, give my body some time to adjust to being off of synthetic hormones, I need to stress less, and have fun, I need to appreciate what I have - this wonderful, beautiful, little boy (and I so so so do):

But I just can't trust that my body will ever work. That he'll ever have a sibling, that anything will ever change for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. It's a sadness that slowly trickles through you body and kind of feels like it is tearing every muscles as it ripples through you. No, its not sadness... its more like despair.

I'm trying to be positive - unlike my pee stick - but sometimes I feel I have nothing to hold on to. With all the failures of the past, how likely is a success. I'm trying desperately to believe that I have done all that I can do, I must trust my body to work as intended, and give the rest up to a higher power.
But for now... me and my pee cup sit alone, and we wait and wait and wait some more, and both of us try so desperately to be positive.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now, and do it." -- William Durant, founder of General Motors

So tomorrow I get to drink this:

If you haven’t had the pleasure to ingest such a drink before, then let me tell you a little about  this delectable treat… you know orange pop, right? Take a liquid concentrate of that minus the fizz. Yes… it is gross! It is sweet! It is not nice to do this to a still nauseous pregnant woman. Oh yeah and its 300 calories! Ok… that kills the Weight Watcher in me just slightly.

But… I don’t have a choice. I will do this at tomorrow at about 11-1/2 weeks, to test for gestational diabetes, and if when I pass I will do it again between 24-28 weeks, because I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with “L” and I'm now at increased risk to have it again.  Gestational diabetes is caused by a reaction of your body to the hormones secreted by the placenta (my interpretation of Web MD). Most people – meaning 96% of the population - manage to secrete enough insulin to combat this… 4% of us can’t, thus resulting in the condition of gestational diabetes. Its basically like type 2 diabetes – you get to follow a limiting diet and take blood sugars 2-4 times a day with a meter. It typically goes away after delivery, but you do have a much increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes in the future.

So why do I have to do this so early this time? Well… because I had it before. Why did I have it before? Because I was fat obese when I was pregnant with my son. I treated my body horribly, and in return in it gave me the favor of this back.

Remember this post? And this one? Those were my hints to you I was pregnant. Go back and read them.  They'll give you context on why I so distrust my body... why I feel doomed to fail at pregnancy.  I’m terrified my body is going to rebel again this pregnancy, and I’m terrified of what that means for me… and my baby.  Last time it meant 27 days in the nicu.  I can't do that again.  I just can't.

I have to remember that past failures do not predict future results. They don’t. That has to be my mantra.  My life has changed. I am healthier and 115 pounds less than 2-1/2 years ago… and I’m about 135 pounds less than I was when I was pregnant with my "L". The rules SHOULD be different this time, I know that deep down… but there is no guarantee.  If you aren't familiar with my pregnancy story with "L" you should probably read this.

So tomorrow morning at 8:30 central time I will raise my glass of orange glucose drink to health and an uneventful pregnancy. Join me if you want – of course with your own drink of choice - and raise your own glass to celebrate the changes you’ve made in your own health, however big or small, this year, month, or even week.  CHEERS!