I am officially full-term today! This should be my last weekly pregnancy update. 
I don't have much to say that I haven't already said over the past week.  We get through today, then tomorrow is the amnio, and hopefully Friday we have delivery!

Sleep does not come easy to me these days.  My mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts!

In anticipation of having a baby in the house again, I've spruced up the nursery, and I think I have most things ready and waiting... this room and this mom really hope a baby can come and stay in it soon.

Last night I spent a little time reading through most of my blog posts (at least the bigger ones) about this pregnancy.  What a little trip down memory lane.  And for the most part, it was a good trip.  A reminder of where we have come from since 19 weeks.  I remember that Thursday morning in May as if it was yesterday.  I remember my OB telling me he was so sorry, and I remember walking out of the office feeling like someone had punched me in the gut, and sitting down on the little bench just outside the door and bawling my eyes out, and screaming, "Why?"  I remember looking at my husband and gritting my teeth through the tears, and saying "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?"  I had spent the last 2+ years prepping my body to carry this baby.  I felt betrayed, abandoned, and filled with the most immense sadness I can't even think of the words to describe.  It was raining that day.  It was raining hard.  It was fitting.

As the weeks went on I shared my story, and I started getting notes of encouragement and prayers.  From people who had walked similar journeys as well as ones that hadn't. Some of their stories touched me deeply.  I found out that people all over the world were praying for my baby!  I still had a lot of days of bitterness, but some of my bitterness turned as the days and weeks passed.  I endured doctor appointment, after appointment of different hypotheses and guesses as to what was wrong with our baby, so many so that I received a printed list, on an 8-1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, single spaced, of every "guess" last Thursday at my appointment.  The "guesses" took up 3/4 of the page!  I still heard what the doctor's said at each appointment, but at some point, I stopped listening.  And while I comprehend every word of what they've told me, and I've done a ton of research to make sure I'm educated enough to make important decisions on behalf of my daughter, I stopped trying along with them to guess what this baby would be like when she was born.  I finally said "I don't care anymore" after I was offered a second MRI.

Today I find myself at 36 weeks pregnant.  1 week and a day past any previous pregnancy, and 1 week until I'm officially full term.  I have dreamed of getting to this point, longed for it, and now, I'm not going to lie... I am terrified that it's almost here!  Maybe even more so than earlier on.  I have conjured up images of what this baby will look like when we meet her face to face - everything from the horrifying to the not so bad.  I have filed every ultrasound picture I've been given immediately away, and barely looked at any of them again.

Then yesterday... at my appointment I saw this on the screen:

And the only word I could think of in my head was.... PERFECT!
I didn't think of birth defects, or chromosomal conditions, I didn't hear the word trisomy, Turner Syndome, or flat profile, I didn't think about encephaloceles, enlarged hearts, hydrops, or small limbs.  I didn't even recall the moment I was asked after my 19 week ultrasound, "What do you want to do?"

I saw a baby's face... a nose that looks like her brother's... and perfect, and maybe even slightly chubby cheeks.

No matter what happens - whether we get a happy ending or a not so happy one - I know one thing.  My daughter is perfect,  and every agonizing minute of this journey has been 100% worth it.

Happy last week of pregnancy to me!

Right now, I am as pregnant as I've ever been.  I'm exactly 35 weeks today!  "L" was born at 34 weeks and 6 days.  I've passed that point of my last pregnancy, I'm still pregnant, and I'm not sick ... yet!  I am filled with gratitude to be at this point.  Back on May 12th at our 19 week ultrasound, I would have never guessed that I would be sitting here still pregnant on the very last day of August.

Tomorrow we will have our final growth ultrasound.  I really hope baby girl has taken a leap forward in growth in the past 3 weeks, since overall she has been measuring small.  After tomorrow's appointment, I have exactly 2 doctor's appointments left!  I will be beyond happy to not trek there every week! 

My nasty cold is mostly gone, and my hospital bag is packed! 

Overall I am feeling beyond tired... and nervous, sometimes like a complete wreck nervous, talk myself off a ledge nervous.  During times when the baby is quiet, I will admit I often start to freak out.  The baby was a bit quieter than normal earlier this week, but then the last couple days has been moving like crazy again.  My hope is that she was just doing LOTS of growing.  I get a momentary respite from the worry.  The worry, and my increasingly pregnant self, has definitely affected my sleep.

I read this week in a devotional that:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the presence of faith.”
Source

Am I scared?  Heck yes!  But am I feeling courageous enough to make it through these last couple of weeks of this overall terrifying pregnancy?  Absolutely.  And that is certainly not my own doing.

I am 34 weeks and I am sick (again) with a horrible cold.  I decided, I want my immune system back, thank you!  Last time I had a cold it spiked my blood pressure, so I'm thinking with an impending doctor appointment tomorrow, tonight might be a good night to pack my hospital bag - the number 1 task I keep putting off.

I wanted to thank all of you for your kind emails and comments after my last pregnancy update, about how overwhelmed I am.  While, I am still overwhelmed, I did cross a few things off my list, including installing the infant carseat in the back of my car.  Can I just say how incredibly strange it is to look back there and see not 1, but 2 carseats?  Its also probably one of the biggest leaps of faith of my life, because putting it in there means that somewhere deep down, I believe that I will at some point, be bringing this baby home to permanently join our family.  I wouldn't have done this at 19 weeks, 24 weeks, or even 28 weeks.  But, I was ready to make that leap this past weekend.

After tomorrow, I will only have 3 doctor's appointments until I hopefully deliver on the 16th!  Next week will be the last growth scan of the baby... grow baby girl, grow, grow, grow!

Shamefully I admit that I have so far gained 44 pounds!  YIKES!  How did that happen?  I am working on a post about concrete goals post-pregnancy, and how I intend to get back to my lifetime goal weight, even if I have a baby in the hospital, have extra stress, and despite anything else that comes my way.  I know it is not going to be easy, but I thought that laying it out there will help me be prepared.  I'm also very excited to buy and fit in fun clothes again.  As fall nears, I see these beautiful outfits, but can't buy anything!  At least it is easier on my wallet that way, right?

I have quite a bit of fear going into this week.  This was the week I got sick with my son and developed HELLP syndrome.  He was delivered at 34 weeks and 6 days.  I can't help, but think about that as I pass through this week.  From the moment I had a positive pregnancy test back in January, I couldn't help but be scared about getting HELLP again.  I thought I would dread it the whole pregnancy.  Well... then the Bubble Burst at my 19 week ultrasound, and it wasn't about me focusing on my health concerns anymore.  It was about all of the concerns with the baby.  While it has been a terrifying and horrible distraction from my own issues, it was a distraction none-the-less.  I have come full circle to focusing back on myself, and worrying a little about myself.  I admit it, I'm scared, and while the baby, as always, can use your extra thoughts and prayers, I could use a few in the coming weeks as well.

As I finish my 32nd week of pregnancy, and start into my 33rd, I can't help but think that it was only 2 weeks from this point that my son was born in my last pregnancy.  At the most I have 1 month left... at the least.... who knows... I'm trying to enjoy what is almost certainly going to be the last time I ever feel a pregnancy in my belly, but its hard - really hard.
Every single thing... even the really small stuff that should be of no concern to me, given what has happened so far, is building.  I declare I am officially stressed!  First, I got a collection notice in the mail from my doctor's office for $125 even though I've only received two $25 bills since they started my care, both of which I promptly went online and paid.  Then there was the notice from my county that my property taxes, which were due on May 1st, were never paid, yet my mortgage company took the money out of my escrow account.  Oh yeah, and there's the light over my desk at work rattles for the past three days, and with each rattle I feel like I'm losing a small part of whatever sanity I may or may not have had left. 

Then there is the baby prep... the crib is put together, and I actually washed some of the little clothes this week, but...
My bag is not packed...
There is no car seat in my car...
We have no diapers, and no wipes in the house...
The baby's room is pretty much a mess...
I can't find my Moby wrap...
My breast pump tubes were shot, and I need new ones...
I have no nursing bras...
My receiving blankets have gone missing...

I could go on and on.  But you get the idea.
All of this is slowly pushing me over the edge.  If you see a half-crazed woman around town... wave... it's me!

Then there was yesterday.  I actually had to put myself in a time out, in the dark, in my room, alone, so that I could try to remove the headache and some of the stress, as I neared a panic attack.  I think it must have started as I toured the NICU at the hospital yesterday.  I smelled "that smell"... you know... the one that smells of half nasty soap and half hand sanitizer.  Or maybe you don't because you've never had to experience your baby in the hospital.  Lucky you (I'm trying to say that without sounding snarky, but its not working is it?)  It's a smell that sends me, every single time... even now over 4 years later. 

Or... maybe it was meeting with neonatologist yesterday to try and have some understanding of what would happen at and after our daughter's birth.  Here was the doctor, looking at me with some sort of awe, and saying "wow... you've been on a real roller coaster."  And then... she started saying my baby's name... her real name, over and over again as she explained what would occur, how MRIs and echo cardiograms would be done, what type of recovery we could expect from a brain surgery.  It was sort of surreal hearing someone else use her name, like she is a real baby.  Yes... I have denial, would you expect anything less?

Or... maybe it was the traffic jam I got stuck in on the way home, while I knew "L" had his last swimming lesson very soon, and I moved about 1/2 a mile in 15-20 minutes.

I don't know what it was, but it caused me to curl up in a ball in the dark in my room by 6:30 last night, and just need the silence. 

So yeah... You could say I'm a little stressed at 33 weeks.  It definitely should make for a great blood pressure tomorrow!

I have arrived at 32 weeks.  I'm tired, my hips ache as they pull apart to allow more room for this little girl to grow...and I'm starting to waddle.  But you know what?  I will not change one minute of it.  I am not supposed to be here, and the fact that I am far outweighs any of this.

Yesterday after walking around the zoo in the afternoon, we had to hike up a hill to get back to our car.  My legs felt horrible!  I wasn't even sure I would make it at one point, my pelvis felt like it was pulling apart.  I hate the fact that these are the same legs that carried me while I ran 3.1 miles twice last summer and fall.  I even mentioned to my husband it is hard to believe I once could do that. 

I've noticed a definite change in my belly this week.  Tomorrow is our first growth scan in 3 weeks.  At the last one the baby was a little smaller (6-8 oz) than most baby's her gestational age.  I'm really hoping she is growing well, because if she isn't I'm really not sure why I keep getting bigger!

This afternoon was an appointment with a neurosurgeon.  I can tell you what we found out was certainly not shocking... he does not know if this is or isn't an encephalocele.  He has reviewed both my MRI and previous ultrasounds, and cannot say that he see's a positive connection between the "mass" and the brain.  Its possible, but they just don't know.  Tell me something I don't know, right?  He did tell us that he is leaning less towards it being an encephalocele because again (not new news to us) the brain structure appears normal on both the ultrasound and MRI.  The only thing that appears abnormal is the structure itself, and some excess fluid that is surrounding the skull at the point of it. 

We've been told that it is unlikely an exam of the baby will even reveal what its true identity is, and the baby would require an MRI after birth.  Oh goody!  The only person in our family that would not have an MRI within this past year then is my husband.  Did I mention I have good hospital coverage, and pay co pays for visits, but MRI I pay for at much higher rate?  Nope... oh well... I do.  Goodbye savings account... I liked you while you lasted.

Beyond that, I asked... "well... if it isn't an encephalocele, then what is it?"  I was told that would be outside his specialty... ah yes... appreciate the honesty but once again thanks for the visit for non-answers.

I know no one knows the truth.  I understand the limits of science, but I don't want to take another half day off work, pay gas, parking, and co pays, to have another doctor to tell me what they don't know.

Its August... I can hardly believe it!  The arrival of August both makes me amazed and fearful.  It means I'm over 30 weeks pregnant now, in a pregnancy at 19 weeks I was told would last "maybe a couple more weeks."  It means my dear "little" "L" turns 4 in only a week!  It is also the month that will see the 1 year anniversary of me hitting my Weight Watcher's goal weight - wish I could say I was still at goal, but I know I'm not supposed to be right now, so I have to be OK with that.  It's all of those things AND it is another month closer to us meeting our daughter (which I both anticipate with excitement and dread, but that is for another whole post).

Welcome August!

This past week was fairly uneventful in the pregnancy department.  I have been doing my kick counts religiously every night using this app, and to think 4 short years ago I was doing these with paper and pencil.  Its kind of fun to use the app!  I am religious about these, as almost exactly 4 years ago doing kick counts saved my son's life.  I was told he wouldn't probably have made it another 48 hours if I hadn't come in concerned about his lack of movement.  It was the start to what has been some major motherly instincts over the last 4 years.

Saturday my husband and I actually went out for a "date" thanks to my niece Katie, coming over to watch "L". 
What did we do?  Well... we went shopping... of course for the kids.  We bought "L" some jammies and little sister (you are all dying to know her name aren't you... I'm actually thinking of revealing it soon) some newborn clothes.  We got a giant bag of clothes at Carters for like $50!  I love Carters.  Yes, we are that lame.  We did go out for dinner too.  We went to Kona Grill.  It was delicious.  I had sea bass!  I, unfortunately, spent the majority of the day/early evening with a killer headache.  So much so that the last part of our date was to the drugstore for a blood pressure check.  No worries... my bp was definitely in a normal range, with the bottom number actually being quite low (60).

Sunday I spent time finally sorting clothes into keep and give away piles.  2 months ago I had 9 bins of boy clothes in my basement.  Today I have 1 bin in my car - off to Kids Carousel - a local resale shop - if you live in the Twin Cities area you HAVE to check this place out, and 0 in my basement.  I have a laundry basket full of tiny baby girl clothes just waiting to be washed, a cleaned up changing table, and swing ready ($20 garage sale score).  The crib front is leaning against the crib, just waiting to be attached.  I feel better about our progress in getting ready.  I was starting to get a little stressed about it all.  Once I have the room put together I'll share a picture in the coming weeks.

Other than that not much else to report.  I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow, and next Wednesday afternoon (8/10) we are meeting with the pediatric neurosurgeon at the children's hospital.  I hope he's ready for us, because I have LOTS of questions, and as my own doctor will tell you I am NOT an easy patient.

So... the big question is... Do you want to know our daughter's name?  Do you even think I should share it?

It’s my last week in the 20s! Yes, I certainly wish I was that young in age, but I’m talking about baby girl’s gestational age. It has now been 10 weeks since our fateful diagnosis. I am 29 weeks today, and next week I will be in the 30s. Some days I have a hard time believing that I have made it this far.


I am on weekly appointments now, which is seriously exhausting. Those appointments take everything out of me! I have another appointment tomorrow already. Tomorrow I see a different doctor as Dr. P is on hospital rotation this week. I think she’s on every 6 weeks… its possible she could deliver this baby. I know she probably wants to. I think she wants to see exactly what this baby looks like. Technology is amazing, but as we’ve seen, it cannot tell the full story. The womb is still an amazing place for this one to hide what might be going on. I know her scientific mind is probably going crazy over this case. I know she quietly, desperately wishes I had the amnio. And even though I think she is an amazing doctor, I sometimes take satisfaction in showing my absolute content in the fact that I didn’t. I want to think she admires my ability to accept the situation, and not need to know more right now, but maybe quietly she just thinks I’m nuts.

Some days I feel like I should probably get my own medical journal. The hospital where I will eventually deliver is a teaching hospital. I have this scenario that plays in my mind that looks a little bit like an episode of Grey’s Anatomy – where all the doctors are fighting over who gets to follow my case because it is the freaky ones that they all like.

Overall as I’ve started my third trimester, even though I think I still look pretty good, have really no swelling to speak of (hello beautiful foot and ankle bones), and seem to function somewhat normally most days, I feel tired… really, really tired. I’ve also started with a little nausea and heartburn again, and gagging on my toothbrush! I think some of it is just the toll of the overall stress and uncertainty of this pregnancy on my mind, soul, and body.

28 weeks!

27 weeks… 1 more week until 28 - my second goal!
Yesterday was a BIG day for appointments.  I spent 8:30 am to 1:00 pm at the hospital for tests.  First, I had a fetal MRI.  This is where they put ME in a scary and super tiny MRI machine for about 80 minutes, and do a bunch of scans of the baby.  The purpose of this test was to have very detailed pictures showing the structure of the cystic hygroma on the back of our baby's neck/head.  These pictures will then be given to pediatric surgeons, who will begin the planning for the surgeries our daughter will need after birth.  Yes... surgerIES.  We are told it will likely take multiple surgeries to remove the hygroma, depending on its structure and interconnection with blood vessels, etc.  This is not a test to let us know what is wrong with the baby, but simply another piece of the puzzle so doctors can help her in the future.  We will likely begin meeting with the surgeons in the next couple of weeks.

I have to say that after spending almost 80 minutes in the MRI machine all I could think of was hilariously:  "Thank God I am not as fat as I used to be!"  That thing is tiny, and 100 pounds ago I have no clue how I would have fit.  At least it distracted me somewhat from the close quarters and hammering and car alarms sounds that were coming from all around me.

After the MRI, we had a follow up echo cardiogram.  At our first they found a small heart defect called a VSD in the baby, and could not see the aortic arch, which is one of the key things they wanted to see.  The cardiologist could not find the VSD this time, and they still couldn't see the aortic arch very clearly (we are told it is very hard to image in utero), but they were able to trace blood flow through it and it appeared normal.  The VSD could have possibly closed or it is just harder to see.  Apparently, it gets harder the further along you get.  The conclusion was that the baby would need to have an echo cardiogram 24-48 hours after birth.  The cardiologist told us "not to worry about it." Ah... OK, easier said than done, but the heart seems to be the least of our worries in the whole scheme of things.

Overall things continue to be stable, and we are grateful for that.

Overall my health is still pretty good.  My cold symptoms have eased up, although I still have a sporadic nasty cough.  My blood pressure is a bit higher than I'd like, but it is still normal.  I have really little if any swelling.  I've gained a total of 27 pounds.  The baby is measuring close to normal overall, and she is kick, kick, kicking away!  Her patterns have become much more regular and I feel her more often than I have in previous weeks.  It is very comforting to feel her punches to my bladder, even if it results in - at 34 years old - me peeing my pants.  I'd like to think the punches mean she is training to punch my doctor (Sorry Dr. P)  as she is delivered for giving her such a grim prognosis only 8 short weeks ago.  That's my girl! 

Here I am ... halfway to my next goal of 28 weeks.  I'm 26 weeks today!
And... it has been a rough week to say the least.  Last Thursday night, I started coming down with a nasty cold.  I'd had  little touch of something all week, but this was when it started to get bad.  My throat was super sore, and by Friday evening I couldn't get up off the couch!  I spent all weekend lounging and sleeping either on the couch or in bed.  I used an entire box of Kleenex on Saturday, and on Sunday the coughing started.  By Monday, I'd pulled a muscle in my stomach from coughing.  I was even starting to make a wheezing sound as my cough "sucked in".  I knew come Monday morning, I needed to call my doctor.  I don't remember a cold ever taking me out so much in my life.  I guess I understand why pregnant people die from the flu now! 

My doctor wanted to see me, so I trekked over there for a visit.  The visits are NEVER short.  I spent
1-1/2 hours there... mostly waiting.  She felt I just had a virus.  Listened to baby girl's heartbeat - 143 beats per minute and sounding fine, and took my blood pressure - I was unhappy with the result there, it was showing 128/85, which is definitely higher than I've been in this pregnancy.  She felt that may just be the stress the cold was putting on my system.  She did write me an Rx for cough medicine, and definitely suggested I should take some time out to rest.  Rest and fluids was the only thing that was going to get me better.  I was already staring down a more than busy week at work, but I'm proud to say I took some initiative to actually say I needed a time out to rest, and took a good portion of the day off on Tuesday.  I am feeling like I am finally on the mend now, but I've been warned it could be slow.

Tomorrow we have our standard every 2 weeks check up.  We will have a full ultrasound this time, which will include checking on the baby's growth.  I am nervous as usual, but especially nervous for this growth check.  We are still hoping and praying that she is doing better or at least the same, and we can have a little more relief to make it to 28 weeks.  I also am really hoping that my blood pressure will be down from Monday - as it is much too early for me to start down that road here at only 26 weeks.

July 5th - next Tuesday - I will be going in for a fetal MRI and another echocardiogram.

So... lots of upcoming appointments and tests to clear a few more hurdles.  All providing more information on our baby's prognosis and giving doctors the information they may need to help her once she is born.  Lots of anxiety where we are hoping to find small moments of peace.

Speaking of anxiety... the bills finally started coming in the mail this past week.  While we are extremely blessed to have really good health insurance, I've been informed that my prenatal care will not be covered 100% by my plan, because they only cover "routine" prenatal care at that rate.  And they think I'm not routine...

I'll leave you this week with a picture of how chaos can actually promote peace.  Thanks to some great friends and family both buying and sharing previously loved little baby girl clothes.  I laid everything we had out on Sunday and this is what resulted... I called this - PINK EXPLOSION!

24 weeks today!

That was my first goal when we found out about everything 5 weeks ago. Make it first to 24 weeks. Why is 24 weeks significant? Well… in Minnesota it is considered the gestational age of viability. It’s the gestation where if the baby was born, they could legally be “saved”. Doesn’t mean I want a baby at 24 weeks… only 50% of babies without any other health conditions (which is not us) will survive at 24 weeks. But… it is a goal. A stop on the road to my next goal, which is 28 weeks – at 28 weeks 95% of babies survive. I like goals… its how I lost 115 pounds. Break things into small, seemingly attainable goals. You know, as I go through more and more in life it amazing how many things relate back to strategies I learned during my weight loss process.

I had a bit of a panic moment last night… I ended work and came home and noticed some swelling in my feet/ankles. Because of my history of pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, I won’t lie, it had me freaked out. I had some decent heels on all day, and realized that maybe it is time to stop wearing the cute shoes and get myself some decent flats. A girl has to have an excuse to buy new shoes, right?  After taking off the heels and resting for awhile, the feet have returned to normal… whew!

Tomorrow I have another ultrasound, appointment with the specialist, new OB appointment (as I am officially transferring over to my new doctor – let’s call her Dr. P right now), and my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. I will likely feel like I need one of those air sickness bags as I did last time. We are still hoping and praying for healing for our baby, and we know we are not alone. Again, my hope is that things are not worse, but deep down I long to hear that thing are actually better. Please say a special prayer for us tomorrow as we deal with all of these appointments, and find out “more news”.

Finally – I broke down and bought this at the latest Gymboree sale:


  Progress? Maybe…

I sit here today and I am 23 weeks pregnant. It has been a full 4 weeks since that day. I sit here today not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that I am 4 weeks farther and I’m still pregnant. I am 1 week away from the gestational age of viability (which is 24 weeks in Minnesota) and I’m still pregnant.


I am in a state of acceptance.

Acceptance that this is not the pregnancy I longed for or imagined, but the pregnancy that I have been blessed with anyways.
Acceptance that I will NEVER get an easy pregnancy. I will never know what it is to have the pure bliss of being an anticipating mother to be, without all the stress that comes along with that.
Acceptance that I may either need to prepare for the death of my baby.
OR Acceptance of the earth-shattering life changes that would come along with her permanently joining our family.
Acceptance that I don’t know how I will provide for this baby if she has challenges. Would she be able to attend a regular daycare? How will I work?
Acceptance that I will not be delivering in the convenient suburban hospital, with a free parking lot, but instead in a downtown hospital, where the way is wrought with nasty traffic, road construction, and pay through your teeth parking (if you know me I hate driving into the city, and I hate traffic!)
Acceptance that I am not in control of any of the above.
Acceptance of how once bad news, is now the ‘not so bad news’

Acceptance has allowed me to have somewhat of a break from the 24 hour/day vigilant monitoring of the movements in my belly, and the complete exhaustion that brings me day after day. I have had many moments of freeing relief from just being able to think about and do something else for awhile. A mental break that was definitely needed. This is certainly an answer to prayer.

Acceptance has allowed me to walk across the street to the neighbor’s garage sale and purchase one tiny, newborn, pink and white polka-dotted dress with frilly bloomers to sit quietly in the closet and pray every single night that my daughter my someday wear it. Acceptance has allowed me to accept 2 bags of maternity clothes from a friend, and 1 bag of baby girl clothes. It has not allowed me to wash them and place them in drawers yet though.

Last week as you know we had another ultrasound appointment. We follow up with another ultrasound a week from Thursday – and then rinse and repeat every 2 weeks. My maternal fetal medicine specialist (Dr. P) will take all of my care from now on, so she’ll be doing my OB appointments too. Next Thursday I’ll have my gestational diabetes screen. I swear, if I have it, I honestly think poking myself with a needle several times a day may just be the thing to send me over the edge, but I have other things to worry about until then.

Yesterday we met with a pediatric cardiologist at the hospital. An echocardiogram – which is basically a heart ultrasound – was done on the baby. Right now the only heart defect they are seeing is a VSD – which is basically a defect that is a type of hole in the heart. We’ve been told it is small and may resolve on its own, or it may not. I will have another echo done in a month, because they are still checking for a defect known as CoA or Coarctation of the Aorta – which about 1 out of 3 babies with a cystic hygroma have. They were not able to rule CoA out yesterday because of the baby’s position and the inability to see exactly what they were looking for. We are hoping and praying that the VSD is the only defect, and our baby’s heart stays healthy and strong.

24 weeks – 28 weeks – 30 weeks… those are my next goals - like a child that needs a paper chain to count down to the end of school, or a Disney vacation – I only plan for and take one day at a time.

22 weeks today


Friday’s “regular” OB appointment was “perfect”. My tummy is measuring at 21 weeks, my weight was up a couple of pounds, my blood pressure was 126/68 and baby girl’s heartbeat was 156 bpm. Perfect huh? Yeah, except what about all of the parts that are making this pregnancy a complete nightmare? Funny how something can be so right and so wrong all at the same time. It just makes me so angry.

I don’t have much else on my mind this week except our ultrasound tomorrow. It will be been exactly 3 weeks since I sat in the same office and was told about the complications with our baby. Time is now marked by the time before and the time after that happening. Time has been marked by how long until this next ultrasound, and now it’s the day before.

There is some sort of bliss in ignoring what happened on that day. But yet, I can never really ignore it fully. Tomorrow we are faced with reality again. And while I really want to know what is going on inside of me, a huge part of me doesn’t care to face that. Doesn’t care to hear the dire statistics again. Doesn’t care to be told that my baby is dying inside of me.

I have no clue what I’m doing.
I’m nervous.
I’m terrified.

I want to be told tomorrow that it was all some sort of huge mistake. That our baby is perfect and thriving, but I know that isn’t going to happen.  My happy ending has changed.

I envision a positive scenario that includes things like “she’s the same”, or even “the fluid has reduced a little”, or “we still can’t find a heart defect.” Those are my positive scenarios. But I know there’s a chance we’ll hear that she’s doing worse than 3 weeks ago.

I believe in healing.
I believe in miracles.
I believe that God is bigger than the 2-7% chance this baby has to live.
And yet… I know that my plans are not His plans.

I pray that whatever the news is tomorrow that I am strong enough to take it.

Today I'm 21 weeks pregnant.
What has happened this week? 

I've had pretty much little if any nausea - yay for that... finally!

On Sunday I did a 24 hour urine capture... wow, that was NOT fun.  Basically you put all of your pee in a giant jug and haul it into the hospital 24 hours later for review.  At the same time, my doctor had ordered some basic preeclampsia lab work to be done.  This all serves as a baseline to compare to should I start to show signs of preeclampsia.  Before I got pregnant, I was told that due to my history I had a 60% chance of a repeat of some sort of preeclampsia.  I've only been told that now with the baby's complications my chances are "higher"... no clue exactly how much higher, and honestly statistics mean nothing to me now that I've hit a .2% chance of something happening... twice!  If your wondering, I don't lottery tickets, as it is never the good things that hit me this way.

I still think I look "wide" rather than pregnant.  I don't have a stick out type of belly, but its definitely rounding out.  I can feel the top of my uterus right at my belly button now.  Lots of stretching pain the last week too, especially in the last couple of days.

I think this baby's legs are getting stronger!  Sunday and Monday I didn't feel a ton of movement.  I was scared, and feeling really down.  I guess the baby was resting and growing, because yesterday and today I starting feeling some major kung fu going down in there.  It makes me feel like she's strong when I feel those kicks.  It gives me small moments of hope.

I wanted to leave you with this picture of our daughter... well, really just her finger and foot.  We received these 2 weeks ago, and only today have I been able to bring myself to   look at them.

Baby Foot!



Tiny little fingers

I have to admit, I have been staring at these for awhile, and have been thinking how perfect her foot and fingers look - how amazing and thoughtfully designed she was... and yet at the same time, I know she has a large hygroma, and is not thriving as she should be.  I try and try to understand it all, and find that I can't.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to.  Trying is so exhausting sometimes.

How can things be both so right and yet, so wrong?

I didn’t post a weekly pregnancy update yesterday because… well… I HAD A REALLY BAD DAY! Then I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30, because I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep, and my mind races all night long, and I have weird dreams – about yelling at pizza people because they didn’t bring the pizza to the right address. And I wake up all pissed off and worked up. I’m about to go out of my mind! I’m going to give it the weekend and if I’m still having trouble sleeping then I’m going to call the doctor and figure out what I can possibly do.

Wednesday was a bad day. Thursday was better but not great. I was feeling really nauseous yesterday, which only furthers my anger and bitter feelings. I guess I can expect a bit of up and down, and Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I felt so good… so positive. I felt like this baby could make it. 
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant, which should be a huge milestone, as its technically halfway as a normal pregnancy is 40 weeks!  Instead of thinking about being halfway, I'm stuck thinking about how much longer we can make it.  It's been 1 week since the dreaded ultrasound. Two weeks from today we have another Level II ultrasound to check on the baby and get a status - better, worse, the same.  I want to get to that day desperately, while at the same time I am terrified of the very thing I am counting down to.  I am thinking of making one of those paper chains that little kids use to count down to school ending, or vacation, or something fun.

I have a 24 hour urine test and Preeclampsia blood work on Sunday/Monday to baseline my numbers.  I have a doctor's appointment in a week with my regular OB GYN.  It will be my last appointment with him until the specialist takes over 100% of my care. 

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday.  I feel bad he has to spend his birthday with all this hanging over his head.

Another week down, almost half way there!

This week...

I was only feeling really sick for 2 days!  Making progress...

I FINALLY STARTED EXERCISING again.  Monday night was a 30 minute brisk walk, and tonight a 20 minute walk - which I cut short because my back was REALLY hurting and crampy.  These are huge victories for me, as I haven't exercised in a couple of months.  It feels so good to get the legs and lungs moving again.  Only 1 more day this week, and I'll have met my minimum goal for the week.  I can do that!

Feeling tiny baby movements is great, but I'm going to admit that on the days I don't feel it for awhile, it starts to make me full of fear, worry, and slightly crazy.  I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy, but I just can't seem to get to the point where I don't feel the bottom is about to drop out of this pipe dream.

Same thing with the ultrasound.  Tomorrow is the BIG day - our anatomy scan and hopefully finding out if this is a little girl or a little boy.  I should be super excited, right?  And I am... but overtaking that is immense fear.  The fear that they will find something wrong with the baby, or the fear that he/she will be too small and not growing well, the fear that I will be headed down the path of IUGR and HELLP syndrome once again.  I want to scream at myself, grab myself by the shoulders and shake.  I want to tell myself to quit being so stupidly irrational, and to just relax.  I don't want to feel this way, but I do, and all I can do right now is take each day as it comes and try really hard not to hyperventilate about ___.  So instead of enjoying what is probably my last pregnancy, I am in "fight or flight" mode most days. 

If you have any ideas to knock some sense into me, please let me know, because obviously what I'm doing isn't working.  And if you are the praying type, I'd really covet some prayers right about now... specifically about tomorrow's ultrasound - that we'd find a perfectly growing little being in there - and about my anxiety levels.

Stay tuned for ultrasound results tomorrow!

Week 17 is in the books!   WOO HOO!  I am certainly not one of those women that LOVES being pregnant, and while I wish for a full 39 weeks more than anything, I will be happy when this little one is done "cooking" at the end of that time.  Meanwhile, I am really trying to "enjoy" this as much as humanly possibly because it is likely my last pregnancy. 

Since my update was kind of negative last week, I'm going to try something new.  What am I loving about being pregnant this time:

• Even though I've been nauseous, I've been much less sick (read that vomiting) than with "L".  I lost 30 pounds during my last pregnancy due to being so sick.  I have gained about 12-13 pounds so far this pregnancy.
• Feeling the baby move.  Yes, there is no mistake about it, this little one is definitely moving all around.  It helps to calm my nerves a little each time I feel him/her.
• Feeling 50/50 at this point, which is much better than 0/100!
• Noticing actually just today that my belly actually looked pregnant rather than "deflated formerly fat person"
• Round Ligament Pain... not kidding - I actually am happy when I feel it because I know it means this little one is growing.  With "L" He had severe IUGR , so the number one thing I'm dreading is if this baby doesn't grow correctly.
• Brownies!
• Having a strong premonition I'm having a GIRL!  One week from tomorrow we find out!
• Trusting, Hoping, Praying, and having faith that this time will be different.
• Picking out names!  Hubby got to name "L", so I get to name this little one exclusively.
• And certainly last but not least...Knowing that I'm over 115 pounds less than I was when pregnant last time.  Knowing that my heart and lungs are healthy, that my body is healthier, that my blood sugar is lower, and that MY BODY CAN DO THIS!  Knowing that it was my own hard work and dedication that actually made having this pregnancy possible.  This is everything I hoped for... everything I worked for, for 2 years.  This is making my dream into a reality.  When I started my weight loss journey 2-1/2 years ago, I did it for 2 reasons... to be a better mom to "L" and to give him a sibling.  From the positive pregnancy test - that required no additional help getting this time - to 17 weeks later... watching that dream come true is surreal and spine-tingling... the stuff of made for TV movies.

Onward and forward to week 18!

I really haven't felt I had much to say since Friday.  I do want to thank those that commented on my last post for their kind comments.  I am still trying to work through my fears about this pregnancy, and while I feel moments of peace, I still have many more moments of fear than peace at this point.

That and we were busy having some Easter fun:

Our gaggle of eggs

Have bucket will travel!

Here I am today at 17 weeks.  I just completed my 16th week of pregnancy.  I'm only 2 weeks away from the BIG ultrasound where we hope to find out the gender of this little one.  I am excited and very nervous at the same time.

A couple of days ago something in my hip misaligned.  Basically I feel like my hip is out of socket.  I had this starting around 10 weeks with "L" so I am glad that I at least made it further this time.  My chiropractor told me that my body produced too much relaxin hormone too quickly, loosening up my hip ligaments and joints more than it should have.  Whatever it is, it isn't much fun, and it kind of makes me walk funny now.

Nausea... check still about 50%+ of the time.  Better than worse, better than worse, and repeat.  I did find out this week that it is possible to dry heave AND sneeze at the same time!  Speaking of sneezing, I have been doing a ton of it, and my nose runs constantly.  Guessing this is just another side effect of the condition of pregnancy that seems to hate my body for some reason.

I feel like I am complaining... a lot.  I'm sorry.  I know we are so incredibly blessed, and we are so excited, and happy.  I seriously forgot though, how tough pregnancy seems to be on my body.  I think it confirms for me that this will be my last biological child.

Ending on a positive thought - I'm fairly certain that I've been feeling little baby movements for the past week or so.  You'd think being a second-timer I'd know for sure, but they are so light and so quick that I start to doubt whether it was a muscle twitching or my stomach grumbling.  It actually feels very much like a muscle twitching.  Over the weekend, I was almost certain though that I felt several more deliberate movements!  It does finally make this all feel a bit more real.

I just completed week 15 of my pregnancy!  Kind of a boring week to be honest.  And in my book boring = good.  No doctors appointments, no major milestones, no new symptoms to report... not really much at all.

The good news... Monday, I appeared to turn the corner on the nausea front.  The last few days have been good.  Not great, but good, and I will definitely take that.  Now I'm just crossing my fingers it lasts!  If it would just warm up - instead of snow - yes seriously, it is snowing RIGHT NOW - I would love to be able to get outside for some exercise. 

Speaking of exercise... at this point, I haven't run since the second week of February, which is when I started with the nausea.  Because of that, I will definitely be walking for the rest of this pregnancy versus running.  While I know running is perfectly safe while pregnant, I feel this is the best decision for me (and the baby).  Part of that decision is the knowledge that after nearly 2 months of ZERO activity, I don't think I'd be in any shape to continue a running program.  The other part is even when I was running I was having a lot of trouble keeping my heart rate under 140 bpm, which is what my doctor told me that I needed to do if I wanted to run during this pregnancy.  You know what... walking is good exercise, and definitely not for wimps!

My middle section is definitely starting to look thicker.  I don't think I look pregnant, just thicker - fatter!  I definitely wish I had that cute little definitive baby bump, instead of just a thick waist, but I don't.

As for "L"s room - the room is finished!  I finally moved the final pieces of furniture in, cleared the closet, and put together his dresser.  You like?