OK... almost wordless Wednesday, because I have to admit that I have been down in the dumps and stumped about my weight loss - or lack thereof the past couple of weeks, but one glance at this picture, and I am reminded that every single pound I gained was worth it!

I'm going to share something that is hard for me, but I'm ready to share it, and I think sharing it will help me work on it even more.

I'm a comparer.

According to Merriam-Webster compare is:
"to examine the character or qualities of especially in order to discover resemblances or differences.  
"to view in relation to"

comparer is a noun made of this verb.  I checked, because initally I thought I might have actually made the word up.  It would describe a person that does the above.

I am a comparer.
I compare myself to those that are thinner... and those that are fatter.
I compare the speed of my weight loss to before Lily and after Lily.
I compare my "fat pants" to my size 8s.
I compare what I eat now vs. what I used to eat.
I compare the size of my butt to the person walking in front of me.

and I also...
compare the height of my son to those he stands next to in his spring program.
compare his mood one day to the next.
compare the amount he eats to other kids his age.

and then...
I compare Lily's size to other 6 month olds.
I compare the volume of what Lily eats to other 6 month olds.
I compare every single thing that Lily does or does not do... gag, grab toys, make sounds, sit, roll over, length of naps... the list goes on and on to other 6 month olds.
And... I compare her to other girls that don't have Turner Syndrome.
And sometimes, it leaves me feeling sad, empty, and worried.

In fact when I compare about any of the above categories I feel this way.  I feel like I'm not losing weight fast enough - even though in 13 weeks I've lost 15.5 pounds.  I feel like I'll never get back into my skinny pants.  I feel like my son will never eat enough, and yet is much taller than 1 person, and much shorter than another.

I'm a compulsive comparer, and you know what it buys me... nothing!  Nothing but worry and heartache, and often a lot of jealousy (sad but true).

I have to stop.  It never makes me happy.  My kids will always be on the low end of size, and my weight loss appears that it will always be slow and steady.  And no matter how many hours of the day these thoughts take... the thoughts will not change anything.

It is what it is.
And so... I am working on not comparing and not caring about that type of thing.

There once was a little baby.  He was 3 pounds, 4 oz and 16 inches long.  I thought he would never ever get bigger... but you know what?  He did!

"L" All grown up!

And there was once a tiny princess.   She weighed 10 lbs 12 oz for 2 months and her weight never seem to increase, even by 1 ounce.  And her mommy worried and shed many hours of agonizing tears over it, but you know what?  Those tears didn't change anything... and she was happy and loved, so in the end her small size didn't really matter.

My tiny princess!

And then her mommy found out that the tiny little princess for 6 months old was meeting all of her developmental milestones, and the mommy declared the tiny little princess a tiny genius... and for one day, she felt better... until she started the comparison game again.  See... slippery slope, that really in the end means nothing!

Comparison of ourselves or our kids to others... it buys us nothing.  And so, I'm stopping it.  Every time I catch myself doing it... thinking it, I will remind myself that it won't matter... in 5 years, whether my child was 10 lbs 12 oz at 6 months or 20 lbs at 6 months.  Whether she sat by herself at 6 months or 9, 10 , or even 12 months... it just won't matter.  Time is fleeting, so instead of comparing, I will remind myself to sit back and enjoy her just the way she is - at just the size she is.  To enjoy this precious, amazing time and stop the comparing, stop the worrying.

My son has a nightly preschool devotion that we read, and this was last night's:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it"  Psalm 139:13-14 NLT

You know God loves you.  But did you know he loved you even before you were born?  God's the one who made you and put you together inside your mom.  God's the one who decided what color your eyes should be and how long your nose should be.  God made you very carefully so you'd be just right.  And you are!"

OK, that's pretty profound for a preschooler's devotional.  And boy... it spoke to my heart. 

Regardless of how much I compare, God made Lily very carefully so she'd be just right... and SHE IS!!!!!  She is right for her, and not compared to anyone else on earth!

And so... I'm working on giving up my comparer status.  Praying that it is removed from me, and I can come to accept things as is, the way that they are, because they are just right.

I posted the following on Facebook midday on Sunday (What!  You're not following me on facebook? ):

"My boys went to Smashburger for lunch and I'm laying here feeling sorry for myself that I don't have enough Wwers points to go there today :( people who can eat whatever they want without it effecting their weight suck! I am tired of this life long battle!"

Yep, the cold hard weight loss truth.  I missed out on something because I made a choice to not eat that type of food.  It sucks!  Its hard!  There are so many days when the "I don't wannas" come out to play.  Yesterday was a day like that.  I moped, I cried, I screamed, "It's not fair!"  And you know what?  It's not fair.  But life, life is not meant to be fair, of that I am 100% sure.

And I am tired.  Really tired.  Really tired of this weight battle, but not just of this battle, but of everything lately.  I feel crushed under the load of more.  More stress, more stuff, more to deal with, more kids getting sick, more doctor appointments, more battles to fight, more prescriptions that get screwed up.  Crushed under more.

And sometimes, it doesn't feel worth it.  To give these things up.  To give up Smashburger, when I really wanted it.  I sit here wondering why I even try.  Why I even do this.

And then this happens:
My sister posts:
"I changed my profile pic so you would be inspired and be GLAD you gave up Smashburger today!"

And she changes her pic to this:

And I cry... because we look so dang hot, and I can't even fit my right toe into that dress right now, and that hurts. 

And I cry... because I'm crushed under more, and in this picture I was not!

And I cry... because its a special thing to have a sister that would change her profile pic and post that. 

And I smile.. because she believes in me, and apparently so do other people, even if I don't believe in myself.

And I know, that giving up Smashburger was the right choice, even if it sucked. 

And I know that I will get my entire body - not just my right toe - into that dress again!

And if I for one minute feel like whining about my progress and where I'm at.  I will think of the time that I so graciously received an attitude adjustment.


But... I will work hard to get where I want to be, because it is worth it.  Sometimes, it is worth it more that Smashburger.

So last week I was whiny... really whiny.  It happens.  I posted this.  I was hating my body... hating my weight.  I was feeling like it was all really unfair.  And then, I got exactly what I needed, this comment:

Valerie (seattlerunnergirl)said...

I know you might want to smack me for this, but I would trade every one of those 40 pounds for your daughter in a heartbeat. Or, rather, I think you would. If given a choice between whether you could erase the last year AND the weight, but in so doing you'd have to give up your little girl, I'm pretty sure you'd choose to keep Lily and the weight. It just sucks that you can't have BOTH Lily AND your goal weight right now. But you will eventually. I'm believing it for you AND for me because I'm pretty much in the same place.