I forgot what it used to be like to sit and stare at a blank page and want to write so many things, but it's impossible to get them out of your head and onto the page!  It's overwhelming and yet it feels OH SO GOOD to have this outlet again!  Thank you for those that are reading along again and have already reached out to me.  It has been so fun to reconnect with you!

So where do I possibly even start with where my life has been the last 5 years... there's way too much for you to catch up on.  So I've decided a blog theme day is in order - Throwback Thursday - to recap certain parts of the last 5 years of my life.  I hesitate where to start but maybe I'll start with surgeries.

Not mine, Lily's.

Over a span of less than 3 years my daughter had 7 surgeries... yep 7 - you read that right.  Let's see if I can remember:

1. Ears
2. Ears/Adenoids
3. Hygroma Removal - Back of Head
4. Ears
5. Ears/Sinuses
6. Hygroma Removal - Part 2
7. Ears/Tonsils

Just writing that all seems a little unbelievable.  Sure, I know that there are kids that have WAY more surgeries and most of hers were certainly "routine", but when your baby is going under anesthesia and a knife it takes an emotional toll on you.

First, you pretend it doesn't bother you.  You say things like - oh it's no big deal!  You act brave, you act like it's just "normal".

Then you tell yourself that this will probably be the last one, so just hang in there.  Make it through this and you are golden!

Finally you realize it isn't the last one and the time comes where your preschooler has to stay overnight in the hospital and is in excruciating pain, you sit there helpless and bust out in tears because there is nothing you can do, and this - this awful dark place has become more the norm than the exception!  So you eat 5 brownies with thick, fudge frosting, and half a pizza and wash it down with 7up mixed secretly with Vodka and it dulls your pain - momentarily.  And you gain 8-10 or so pounds.

8-10 - 7 times .... that 60+ pounds of weight you've gained in addition to the 60 or so pounds of "baby weight" you never lost in the first place.  And the world grows a little darker...your clothes grow a little tighter...  your skin is awful because you don't take care of yourself.  You buy one of the biggest sizes of jeans you've ever worn in your life.  You're disgusted with yourself.  Some days you hate yourself.  Your eyes are puffy because you cry more than you don't...

And one day you look in the mirror - like really look in the mirror and take stock of everything and you see this...

Summer 2016

Where this person once stood...

Goal weight - Summer 2010

Every.single.day I am reminded of my failures when I look at myself in the mirror.  Because gaining weight back after a HUGE loss has to be one of the worst things I've ever experienced emotionally.  It's shameful!  I'm still wrapping my head around it.  It's screws with your mind.

This morning - I came across this quote in my timehop on Facebook from before Lily was born


Forget... forget and forgive myself.  The past is the past.  I have no ability to change it or control it.  But I CAN move forward.  We can all move forward.  I'm going to do this!!!  And so can you!

It has been a rough few days in our household.  Lily is in the throes of teething, and simultaneously she managed to get a nasty cold.  She is basically a snot factory, and her bark of a cough reminds me of the crabbiest seal at the zoo.  As if that all was not enough she is also having reflux flares, which is normal for her while sick, and I think the teething certainly isn't helping things.  Poor girl was thisclose to 15 pounds, and now she hasn't eaten or drunk much, and I don't even want to know what she weighs as I'm sure it is NOT good news!

So in my stress over my baby's angst I took it upon myself to make cookies.  NOT,  A.  GOOD.  IDEA. 



Not just any cookies - I had to find something no bake since it was 90+ degrees with tropic of cancer type humidity out.  So I picked a no bake cookie.  I bet you know the one... butter, gobs of sugar, peanut butter, some more sugar, melted until gooey, and then stir in oatmeal at the end to make sure you have decreased guilt + fiber while eating it.  I made them, let them sit for a few minutes until they were barely set and started eating them. 

I promised myself I would stop at 2--max.

I'm guessing you know how this works.  I ate one, and then another one.  Then had a beer, then had Chinese food for dinner, and then had another one for dessert. 

Then more horribleness, as Lily was eating dinner she took one bite of food and proceeded to vomit out both her nose and mouth simultaneously while eliciting a high pitched scream from the very depths of her being. After a hose down of our entire kitchen - oh didn't I tell you, we just decided to put a drain in the middle (joking... for now) - and an impromptu bath, I was exhausted - beat down.

So, I started eating cookies again.  It was then that I stopped myself and said - this doesn't have to end all that bad.  I can stop here, and be done.  Go to bed and be done.  Tomorrow is a new day.  But instead I found myself eating tiny bites of cookie instead of whole ones, because every knows it doesn't count if you eat it in small bits that you pick off at separate times.

I kept the cycle going:  walk over to kitchen, break a small bite off, shove in mouth, sit down, and repeat for 2 hours last night.  My guess is that I ate my way through probably 4 more cookies, but honestly it could be more... unlikely less... as I sort of zoned out in the process.

Guess what?  It didn't work.  Lily was still up at least half the night, and now her bark is worse than ever. 

Why I ever thought that eating delicious cookies would solve my daughter's teething and sickies is beyond me.  So I sit here now, disgusted with myself for basically ruining my week.  Of course, I know what I was looking for.  It's what I always seem to be looking for when I start to over indulge on sweets - I did it last year incessantly during my pregnancy - this time was really no different.  I'm looking for comfort, for an escape from the stress, from the pain.

I just wish I'd remember next time that it NEVER helps... the stress and pain are still there, and I'm a few pounds heavier instead of feeling a load lightened.

Dear Lily,

You are 10 months old today!

Honestly, I cannot believe how quickly the time has gone, even as yet some days have seemed agonizingly slow. 

I am so happy that I can finally tell you that I have come to a place - a place of acceptance.  A place where I see you as a smiling, babbling, army-crawling, curious, sometimes-naughty, social butterfly, silky blanket loving, cheese puff eating baby girl, and not as a syndrome when I look at you.

I am almost embarrassed to admit that only a couple of short months ago, I thought endlessly about your missing chromosome.  I tossed and turned at night, thinking about it, and how it was effecting you now and how it would effect you in the future.  There were times that I caught myself apologizing for your petiteness, and trying to explain away the excess skin puckered on the back of your head and neck.  I would find myself in public places trying to keep your head from view of other people, as to not have to deal with the stares.

There were endless days and hours of appointments, endocrinologist, audiologist, ENT, anesthesiologist, pediatricians, ophthalmologist, gastroenterologist, physical and occupational therapists... and I felt sorry for myself when you failed not 1, but 3 hearing tests, when you wouldn't gain weight, when you would throw up time after time, when I had to hand your 11 pound body over for a surgery just 2 months ago.  I felt sorry for myself, I was overwhelmed with the frustration and anxiety that takes its toll on a parent of a child with different needs.  I was exhausted from working full-time and doing ALL of the appointments, and I began to resent you just a little.  And then, I read about some of your TS sisters, and the heart surgeries they had to endure, and I realized that we were so lucky, because the one specialist you didn't need to see was the cardiologist.  God healed the small hole in your heart.  I was humbled.

And I resent myself just a little for sitting through the last 10 months and worrying so much.  For focusing on the number of chromosomes you have rather than the life that was blossoming in front of me.  Now it seems that in only 2 months you'll hit a magic milestone of 1 year old, and your baby days will disappear.  I could have been enjoying you so much more during the time I was worrying, and fretting, and feeling sorry for myself.

But now, I've moved on, and the last month with you has been nothing short of bliss.  I take quiet moments as I rock  you to sleep to touch your skin and hair, to breathe in your sweet scent - to marvel in the amazing perfect creation of your tiny fingers and toes.  I drink in your laughter, and your "ba ba ba ma ma ma da da da" babbles.  I am amazed by your ability to hold anything - and I do mean anything - perfectly with your feet.  I observe an engaging personality starting to emerge.  You wave and smile to everyone and if they don't respond to you, you yell at them.  I just sit and smile and say thank you when they all coo over how cute you are.  I no longer feel like screaming out - my daughter has Turner Syndrome!

I used to think that your chromosome count would matter, but the last 10 months have taught me that you will not be limited by the count of a silly "X" chromosome.  And so, I learned from you and follow suit.

Yes, Lily, I see YOU, 10 months old, amazing toothless smile with eyelashes so long they should be illegal, and not 45 chromosomes sitting in front of me.



And finally... I can say, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you for teaching me that different... is good!

As the wise Dr. Seuss said, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"

I'm going to share something that is hard for me, but I'm ready to share it, and I think sharing it will help me work on it even more.

I'm a comparer.

According to Merriam-Webster compare is:
"to examine the character or qualities of especially in order to discover resemblances or differences.  
"to view in relation to"

comparer is a noun made of this verb.  I checked, because initally I thought I might have actually made the word up.  It would describe a person that does the above.

I am a comparer.
I compare myself to those that are thinner... and those that are fatter.
I compare the speed of my weight loss to before Lily and after Lily.
I compare my "fat pants" to my size 8s.
I compare what I eat now vs. what I used to eat.
I compare the size of my butt to the person walking in front of me.

and I also...
compare the height of my son to those he stands next to in his spring program.
compare his mood one day to the next.
compare the amount he eats to other kids his age.

and then...
I compare Lily's size to other 6 month olds.
I compare the volume of what Lily eats to other 6 month olds.
I compare every single thing that Lily does or does not do... gag, grab toys, make sounds, sit, roll over, length of naps... the list goes on and on to other 6 month olds.
And... I compare her to other girls that don't have Turner Syndrome.
And sometimes, it leaves me feeling sad, empty, and worried.

In fact when I compare about any of the above categories I feel this way.  I feel like I'm not losing weight fast enough - even though in 13 weeks I've lost 15.5 pounds.  I feel like I'll never get back into my skinny pants.  I feel like my son will never eat enough, and yet is much taller than 1 person, and much shorter than another.

I'm a compulsive comparer, and you know what it buys me... nothing!  Nothing but worry and heartache, and often a lot of jealousy (sad but true).

I have to stop.  It never makes me happy.  My kids will always be on the low end of size, and my weight loss appears that it will always be slow and steady.  And no matter how many hours of the day these thoughts take... the thoughts will not change anything.

It is what it is.
And so... I am working on not comparing and not caring about that type of thing.

There once was a little baby.  He was 3 pounds, 4 oz and 16 inches long.  I thought he would never ever get bigger... but you know what?  He did!

"L" All grown up!

And there was once a tiny princess.   She weighed 10 lbs 12 oz for 2 months and her weight never seem to increase, even by 1 ounce.  And her mommy worried and shed many hours of agonizing tears over it, but you know what?  Those tears didn't change anything... and she was happy and loved, so in the end her small size didn't really matter.

My tiny princess!

And then her mommy found out that the tiny little princess for 6 months old was meeting all of her developmental milestones, and the mommy declared the tiny little princess a tiny genius... and for one day, she felt better... until she started the comparison game again.  See... slippery slope, that really in the end means nothing!

Comparison of ourselves or our kids to others... it buys us nothing.  And so, I'm stopping it.  Every time I catch myself doing it... thinking it, I will remind myself that it won't matter... in 5 years, whether my child was 10 lbs 12 oz at 6 months or 20 lbs at 6 months.  Whether she sat by herself at 6 months or 9, 10 , or even 12 months... it just won't matter.  Time is fleeting, so instead of comparing, I will remind myself to sit back and enjoy her just the way she is - at just the size she is.  To enjoy this precious, amazing time and stop the comparing, stop the worrying.

My son has a nightly preschool devotion that we read, and this was last night's:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it"  Psalm 139:13-14 NLT

You know God loves you.  But did you know he loved you even before you were born?  God's the one who made you and put you together inside your mom.  God's the one who decided what color your eyes should be and how long your nose should be.  God made you very carefully so you'd be just right.  And you are!"

OK, that's pretty profound for a preschooler's devotional.  And boy... it spoke to my heart. 

Regardless of how much I compare, God made Lily very carefully so she'd be just right... and SHE IS!!!!!  She is right for her, and not compared to anyone else on earth!

And so... I'm working on giving up my comparer status.  Praying that it is removed from me, and I can come to accept things as is, the way that they are, because they are just right.

I got this book for Christmas


In the beginning, the author, Pam Anderson (and no, not the Baywatch babe) talks about her weight struggles, and how she decided she could never do another diet again.  How she couldn’t do Atkins or South Beach because she didn’t want to have to cut out a whole category of foods.  She didn’t want a life without pasta and wine.  I love the reasoning here.  I too, don’t do well on these types of diets.  I can’t live without half and half in my coffee, and bread with real butter very long.  And if you've been around for a year with me, you know I love my wine too (Can you still believe its 4 points plus per glass?)  It isn’t sustainable for me.  That’s why I have always loved Weight Watchers… you can eat anything, just not everything!

Another item that really stuck out at me was her philosophy behind exercising.  She talks about how she didn’t have time for an hour or even a half hour workout, so she didn’t exercise.  But then she decided that she could make time for smaller bursts of an activity, and that would count too!  She made the decision to do a small walk before every meal, and just that movement made a huge change in her life, and her weight.


I’d commit to walk 10 minutes, but it would be in the dark right now, so I don’t think that is an option.  But I can:

Run up and down the stairs for 5 minutes
Do some crunches
Pretend Lily is a barbell and bench press her
Put on some music and dance crazy for 5 minutes.  My son will love this one!

It’s like my own circuit training routine.  So… for the next month I pledge to take 10 minutes for me to “exercise”.  It is something, it is probably all I can really do right now, and while it’s a far cry from the 3-4 mile runs of my past, it is moving forward, and it will do something to move me towards my next goals.

Yesterday we got dumped on... dumped with snow that is.
I just saw a weather report and it looks like we got around 15 inches here in my little suburb on Minneapolis.
And to think... last week it was nearly 50 degrees!

This year it seems like spring will never come some days...and winter is eternal.  And I have to say sometimes life just feels like that doesn’t it?  Eternal winter.  Always waiting for spring.  I used to do it, and sometimes still do… tell myself that when spring comes I’ll change my habits, I’ll start living healthier, I’ll start a diet, I’ll exercise. 

Or maybe it isn’t spring you’re waiting for maybe it’s the start of summer because everyone knows dieting in summer is SO much easier because of the wonderful fresh fruits and veggies.

Or maybe summer’s hard for you because well… there are just so many parties with food you know.  BBQ, grad parties, weddings… and we are out and about all the time.  There’s just no time to plan.  So you’re waiting for the kids to go back to school, because then you’ll hunker down and have a lot more time to concentrate on your diet.

Or maybe fall’s bad, because well… those kids that were supposed to just go to school and leave you alone are involved in activities every single night after school, and you guys barely can make it through the drive-thru quick enough to get to all the events.  Then there was Halloween, and you just have to have some candy, because Reese’s peanut butter cups are your favorite.  And of course then came Thanksgiving…. And you may just as well throw in the towel now and just wait until the New Year… because the New Year makes doing this so much easier.  Everything seems new and fresh and everyone has lots of motivation in January…

You can see what’s happening here can’t you?  I was able to cycle through all of the “seasons” and come up with “sample” excuses for each one… all of these which I’ve actually heard in real life from others, or have actually used myself at one time or another.

There is ALWAYS an excuse of why waiting will be easier/better.  There is always an excuse to put off losing weight and getting in better shape.  I played this game for years, until my body finally called my bluff.  I was always in the “I’ll do it next month” mode, because a certain life/seasonal event would have passed.  In that time of making excuses I probably gained 50+ pounds.  Think of how much easier my weight loss journey would have been if I would have just stopped with the excuses and started with some action!

Right now might seem like eternal winter to you…I know I STILL have days after doing this for nearly 2-1/2 years that seem like eternal winter.  But in the midst of that find a way to start making changes in your life today.  Know that even small changes add up.  Don’t wait for spring… because seriously… in Minnesota at least, I’m convinced it may not be coming this year.

I waited decades to start living my life… don’t make the same mistake… start living your life now!  Today!  This hour, this minute.  You are worth it! 

Don't forget to enter my $40 CSN Stores Giveaway

It doesn’t seem quite possible that it was twelve years ago that I walked down the aisle with my dad to meet a smiling, young, man at the altar. I often wonder what it would have been like to not have been the “fat bride”.
Who is that confident looking person? I barely know her. She kind of looks like she owns the place doesn’t she? And sometimes… well… sometimes she feels like she almost does.
This past weekend, not only did I wear this smoking hot dress, but I also got up in front of a room of about 65ish people, and MC'd a wedding. This next statement may sound a bit ridiculous and I’ve thought a lot about this over the past couple of days, but I really don’t think I could have done that 116 pounds ago. The list of reasons is long, but definitely includes both the physical – I probably couldn’t have been on my feet that long – to the emotional – I wouldn’t have had enough confidence to carry myself and command a room the way I needed to.

Do people treat me differently now than 116 pounds ago?
You bet! 
I’ll never know for sure, but that absolutely plays a part in it.



In the spirit of celebrating Thanksgiving and focusing more on the positives and less on the negatives, I am posting one thing I am thankful for each day this week.

Today I am thankful for my good health, and the reminder of when it wasn't so good.  There honestly aren't too many days where I can look at this guy and not think about:
-- The traumatic circumstances around his birth, about how I so poorly treated my body thinking it would always give and never give up, about the 27 days "L" spent in the hospital when he was born. I always thought that "it won't happen to me", that I would be the "healthy" fat person. I was wrong! My number was finally up. I spent so many years lying to myself-telling myself that being fat was OK.

So today I thank the Lord that my son was born in the way he was (it has taken me a long time to get to the place where I can speak/write that sentence). It was the catalyst for changing my life and ultimately dropping 111.2 pounds. I tried more times before than you can count, and NOTHING clicked until THAT day. I thank the Lord for good health today, less sick days, strong arms, legs, and back, strong lungs, a healthy weight.  I am thankful for this:
and I am thankful for the pictures that serve as a reminder of less than good health and how far, by grace, I've been able to come.

Starbucks Cinnamon Chip Scone
480 calories, 18 grams of fat, 70 grams of carbs
11 Weight Watcher Points

Bruegger’s Western Bagel Sandwich
760 calories, 56 grams fat, 66 grams of carbs
20 Weight Watcher Points

Large Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha w/whipped Cream
660 calories, 22 grams fat, 100 grams of carbs
15 Weight Watcher Points

As we near the holidays especially I start to think about some of the things I used to eat – things that I once thought I could NOT live without. The things listed above. When I’d start to think about life without my dear, sweet, Cinnamon Chip Scone I would feel a tear slide out of the corner of my eye. Oh, and you cannot possibly expect me to go through a holiday season without the sweet sip of my beloved Peppermint, White Chocolate Mocha!

In the beginning when I started Weight Watchers I could easily slip a treat – OR TWO! – into my daily or weekly allowance. I was working the program. I was losing weight. I was having my treats and losing weight too. Life was good, and I was happy! I could do this, and didn’t HAVE to live without these things I felt I so desperately needed. Crisis Averted.

Fast forward about year… I had lost about 70 pounds, and while happy with my weight loss, I felt I could do more to improve my health. I also didn’t have 34 daily points anymore. See, as you lose weight – with Weight Watchers or any plan – your daily caloric intake decreases. Weigh less = need less food; simple science. Instead of getting 34 points a day I was getting about 26 points a day. It was becoming much harder to fit in my treats, so maybe instead of weekly I’d only indulge every 2 week s or so.

Fast forward another year to today. I only get 23 points a day, 11 points less than when I started. If you aren’t Weight Watcher’s aware an example of a 1 point food is an apple. I’ve certainly had to adjust my food intake in some BIG ways to account for the lesser quantity of food. And now, I find a funny thing has happened. I very rarely find myself being able to justify eating one of the items above. Does that mean I NEVER eat these things? Absolutely NOT, but it does mean that I eat them WAY less, AND the amazing thing is that I don’t care. Let me say that again:

I DON’T CARE!!!

I don’t care about missing out on a scone, or a white chocolate peppermint mocha. It doesn’t hold the same value to me as it once did. I’ve found substitutes that taste nearly as good for a mere fraction of the fat and calories. I’ve discovered that the General Foods International Coffee’s Peppermint Mocha is a mere 50 calories per serving, and with a little fat-free RediWhip, it satisfies my craving. I’ve also discovered VitaTops… 1 point of pure decadence.

But, I’ve discovered an even bigger secret. These foods will always be there. I am not going to miss out on something life changing if I don’t eat them. It isn’t going to make my life any less grand. Christmas won’t be ruined, Thanksgiving will still happen, and they’ll still hold the same sentiment they always did. Life will still go on! I’ve discovered that being able to run a 5k, wear a size 8, chase after a giggling 3 year old, and have obesity erased from my medical record, means way more than eating any of these things.

And I ALWAYS remember: “Eating it will NOT change your life, but NOT eating it will.”

– Ellen Fuhrer.

I can now stand in the truth of that statement… my life has been changed!

I had a run in with some chocolate chips last night. I was the running back just trying to make it into the end zone, and out of nowhere these chocolate chips tackled me. Can you even believe that?  I'll admit, it was a clean tackle. There were no penalties. I wasn’t running quite fast enough, and the other people on my team weren’t blocking for me. Then once I had been hit the chocolate chips, I figured I was already knocked down, and in my weak state the honey roasted peanuts finished me off (Ok, seriously honey roasted peanuts and chocolate chips taste amazing together, but I digress). This was NOT a dream, unfortunately - True Story.


Do you ever feel like that? You are doing great - running into the end zone for your touchdown and then bam out of nowhere you get hit. Maybe it is some trigger food calling you from the cupboard, or maybe your husband/wife/kids leaves an open bag of your favorite chips on the counter, or maybe its bigger than that - your kid is sick or in the hospital, or you are feeling sad because you can’t get a job, have a baby, get a date, fill in the blank with your own “tragedy of the moment”. Then since you are already down…you figure well… I just as well finish myself off, and you keep going, because what's the point anymore now?. Maybe you finish yourself off for a day, or a week… maybe a couple of months, or maybe just maybe a couple of years. Some might call this “falling off the wagon”. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean the only person we are hurting is ourselves.

It’s funny… we’d never stumble on one step and because of that throw our entire body head first down the stairs, would we? But yet we do this over and over in weight loss. We screw up one meal; just as well throw the day out, right? We screw up one day and just as well throw the whole week out, and once the week’s gone, just throw the whole month out. On and on it goes until we are back to where we started from, or worse… higher than where we started from. I’ve been there… and done that. I spent between 2000 and 2008 doing that. I have 8 good years of practice, so I think I actually qualify as an expert, right?

How can we reverse this cycle?
Well… I’ll tell you what I did. I determined that I would only focus on ONE meal at a time. I wouldn’t group my day together as a whole. At any time during the day I could “start over” if I wanted to. There was always the next meal to make better choices. I would never ever “wait until Monday” again. Admit it… how many of you have said, “I’ll start over again next Monday?”

STOP IT and Start today… Start right now this minute!

Think about where you might be one year from now if you started today.

You could be 50 pounds or even maybe 100 pounds down!

You could be at goal.

Your life could be changed.

Don’t you want that for yourself? Don’t you deserve it?

So what did I do after the chocolate chips tackled me last night and the honey roasted peanuts hit me while I was still down? I took my vitamins, drank a glass of water, forgave myself, and went to bed. This morning I woke up and ate a sensible breakfast and had an appropriate lunch. I’m planning on a healthy soup for dinner. Even if the chocolate chips attack me again tonight or the next day, I know that I’ve learned enough in the past 2 years to know that I will never “wait until next Monday” again.

1 day old

1 day old

1 year old

2 years old!

3 years old (almost)!