I forgot what it used to be like to sit and stare at a blank page and want to write so many things, but it's impossible to get them out of your head and onto the page!  It's overwhelming and yet it feels OH SO GOOD to have this outlet again!  Thank you for those that are reading along again and have already reached out to me.  It has been so fun to reconnect with you!

So where do I possibly even start with where my life has been the last 5 years... there's way too much for you to catch up on.  So I've decided a blog theme day is in order - Throwback Thursday - to recap certain parts of the last 5 years of my life.  I hesitate where to start but maybe I'll start with surgeries.

Not mine, Lily's.

Over a span of less than 3 years my daughter had 7 surgeries... yep 7 - you read that right.  Let's see if I can remember:

1. Ears
2. Ears/Adenoids
3. Hygroma Removal - Back of Head
4. Ears
5. Ears/Sinuses
6. Hygroma Removal - Part 2
7. Ears/Tonsils

Just writing that all seems a little unbelievable.  Sure, I know that there are kids that have WAY more surgeries and most of hers were certainly "routine", but when your baby is going under anesthesia and a knife it takes an emotional toll on you.

First, you pretend it doesn't bother you.  You say things like - oh it's no big deal!  You act brave, you act like it's just "normal".

Then you tell yourself that this will probably be the last one, so just hang in there.  Make it through this and you are golden!

Finally you realize it isn't the last one and the time comes where your preschooler has to stay overnight in the hospital and is in excruciating pain, you sit there helpless and bust out in tears because there is nothing you can do, and this - this awful dark place has become more the norm than the exception!  So you eat 5 brownies with thick, fudge frosting, and half a pizza and wash it down with 7up mixed secretly with Vodka and it dulls your pain - momentarily.  And you gain 8-10 or so pounds.

8-10 - 7 times .... that 60+ pounds of weight you've gained in addition to the 60 or so pounds of "baby weight" you never lost in the first place.  And the world grows a little darker...your clothes grow a little tighter...  your skin is awful because you don't take care of yourself.  You buy one of the biggest sizes of jeans you've ever worn in your life.  You're disgusted with yourself.  Some days you hate yourself.  Your eyes are puffy because you cry more than you don't...

And one day you look in the mirror - like really look in the mirror and take stock of everything and you see this...

Summer 2016

Where this person once stood...

Goal weight - Summer 2010

Every.single.day I am reminded of my failures when I look at myself in the mirror.  Because gaining weight back after a HUGE loss has to be one of the worst things I've ever experienced emotionally.  It's shameful!  I'm still wrapping my head around it.  It's screws with your mind.

This morning - I came across this quote in my timehop on Facebook from before Lily was born


Forget... forget and forgive myself.  The past is the past.  I have no ability to change it or control it.  But I CAN move forward.  We can all move forward.  I'm going to do this!!!  And so can you!