Time flies when you are having fun busy as all get out!

Last week at Weight Watchers - in which my see-sawing weight saw that I was up a little - we talked about motivation.  Where does your motivation come from?  It really got me thinking about my story.

When I first started my Weight Watchers journey in Oct of 2008, my now 4 year old was 1.  My motivation was that I wanted a sibling for him, and I didn't want to get HELLP or preeclampsia again.  My doctor told me I needed to lose weight before getting pregnant.  And it wasn't just a little bit - I needed to lose 100+ pounds of weight!  And so, I took that step forward and 2 years and 116 pounds later I made goal and became a Weight Watchers lifetime member.  I always kept what I wanted in front of me most... a baby!  When temptation struck, I asked myself, "What do I want more?"  99% of the time, it was the baby.  That is powerful motivation, and it got me to my goal!

And then, only a few months after reaching my lifetime goal, I found myself pregnant.  The goal I had in front of me all along was being fulfilled... the ultimate goal.  In May of last year when I found out that that baby I had so longed to be pregnant with was likely dying, even while she grew within me, I started to eat.  It was a punch to my gut, a punch to my motivation.

And yes, I was pregnant, and pregnant people eat, but not like this....
I ate licorice, and I don't even like licorice.
I ate gelato
and trail mix
and muffins and donuts, and they knew my first name at Kowalskis.
I ate pie.  Every Thursday after my doctors appointment, I would go and buy a half pie from Kowalskis and my husband and I would eat it.
I ate cheesecake
All I wanted was sugar, sugar, sugar!

Maybe you are disgusted by this, or maybe you identify with it.  However you feel, if you've ever eaten out of emotion or known someone who has, I think you can identify with this.  When I felt like all was lost, I, in turn, lost my motivation.

As a result of my emotional eating during my pregnancy, I gained way more weight than I had originally hoped to gain, and now I find myself on a new journey - a journey to remove those post pregnancy pounds.  I started Weight Watchers back in December again with 43 pounds to remove to get back to my lifetime goal weight, and I'd like to remove another 10 for good measure.  I'm currently down 18.5 pounds.  It has been a slow and frustrating journey this time around.  It has been a different journey.

So that begs the question again - What is my motivation?  Right now, I have no need for another baby, so it isn't that anymore.  And even though I have the want to get back into my size 8 pre pregnancy clothes - that motivation is shallow and fleeting.  Maybe this is part of the reason I've struggled so much this time around, despite religiously tracking my food.  I'm not sure, but the strong motivation of wanting that baby is gone, and along with it apparently my ability to lose weight consistently.

So, what do I do about this?  I have to find a new motivation.

I take one look at these two


And I know what my motivation is.  I'm their mom, I should be the best example I can of good health.  I need to live a long time to take care of them.  As Lily struggles with some medical issues I need to be as strong as I can, for her.  At a healthy weight I am a better mother.

That's my motivation!
Now, what's yours?

This past week was not necessarily a fun one.  Lily was sick... again!  Thankfully there was no ear infection this time so the tubes are apparently working.  Today she is having her hearing rechecked, as she failed the last 2 hearing tests before she got her tubes.  I am hopeful for a positive outcome.

Despite all of that, she is finally feeling better and eating better, so we enjoyed a nice Mother's day yesterday, spending a lot of time outside - finally - after the last 3 weekends of rain! 

I'm still struggling with insomnia.  It has gotten even worse, but I am trying to be hopeful that the cycle will break soon.

Now on to this week's menu.

Chicken Enchilada Pasta
Tomato Cheese Quiche, Salad
Naan Bread Pizzas
Curry Chicken Casserole - recipe below
Club Sandwiches and Sweet Potato Fries
Roasted Asparagus and Fingerling Potatoes, Burgers


Curry Chicken Casserole
Serves 6 @ 8 Points+ each

1 - 10 package of frozen broccoli
2 cups cooked shredded chicken
2/3 cup of light mayo (we like Hellman's)
1 can of healthy request cream of chicken soup
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1/2 cup of skim milk
1 Tbsp Curry powder - or less to taste
salt and pepper to taste
 1 cup of reduced fat shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup of Stove Top stuffing - do not prepare, just dry


In 9 x 13 greased casserole dish, distribute broccoli evenly.  Top with shredded chicken

In separate bowl combine the mayo, soup, lemon juice, milk, curry and salt and pepper.  Mix well.  Pour over chicken and broccoli.  Top with the shredded cheese.  Top with the Stove Top stuffing.

Bake at 350 for 35-45 minutes until bubbly and broccoli is done.

1 year ago today - May 12th, 2011, my world came crashing down around me.


I will never forget him speaking softly and tell us how sorry he was.  He was a good doctor.  He delivered my son.  He knew of our past, our struggle.  I could tell it was not an easy conversation for him.

I will never forget quickly exiting the office, hoping that no one would see me, and then walking down the stairs of the building to the lobby, holding my breath and finally bursting into tears as we exited the doors into that rainy morning.

I will never forget calling my mother in tears, and telling her we were having a girl, and that something was horribly wrong.  I told her we didn't know anything yet, and to "just pray".  As a mother myself, I cannot imagine what it must have felt like for her to hear the horror and heartache in my voice.

That day was supposed to be a good day.  The day I found out that my baby was a healthy boy or girl.  Instead, that day turned into a nightmare.  One, if not THE, worst days in my entire life so far!

I remember being in Starbucks while we waited for our appointment.  The smell of the earl grey tea with vanilla that seemed to be the only Starbucks drink I could choke down while pregnant.  I remember choking back tears as I gagged on a cinnamon chip scone.  Nothing tasted good to me at that moment.  We sat there and stared at each other, my husband and I.  He, ever the optimist, and me, ever the pessimist, he told me not to worry, we didn't know the full story yet.

If he only had any clue how that story would unfold over the coming months.

I remember driving in my car, in the pouring rain of that unusually cold May day.  I remember hearing Mandisa's "Stronger" on the radio, and hearing the words:

"And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger"
I cried so hard, I probably shouldn't have been driving.  We drove to the maternal fetal medicine doctor's office.  We got lost.  We sat silently in that waiting room until the nurse called us back.  She explained what was about to happen.  We were going to have an in depth ultrasound.  The tech would tell us all the facts.  Someone would come and interpret those facts for us later.

There was the warm jelly, and our baby girl swimming around again, fluid in her lungs, and around her heart, a giant multi-part sac of fluid on the back of her neck/head.  There were lots of bad things, there were good things too - normal brain, good spine, bladder working.  There were good things.  They gave us a picture of her butt because they couldn't get a good one of her face.  I had that picture of her cute little butt on my fridge all summer.

Next we met Dr. P.  I had no clue at the time how well we would get to know each other.  She was not there to say happy things.  I still have the piece of paper, with all of the possibilities written on it.  I remember hearing the words Turner Syndrome for the first time - I had never heard of Turner Syndrome before.  I didn't want my baby to have  a syndrome - this only happens to old mothers right?  This had to be some horrible mistake.  This is supposed to go well for us!

I remember hearing a chance of around 2-7% that our baby would make it, and Dr. P stating that she thought our odds given the ultrasound facts were on the lower end of that range.  Even though I didn't want a baby with a syndrome, even more I didn't want my baby to die.

There was the question... that dreaded question.  What do you want to do?

There was no hesitation, not even a lump in my throat, I stated I did not want an amnio, I just wanted to carry my baby, to give her a chance, however small it was.  I didn't know on that day that it was going to be hard... really, really hard, for a long time... maybe forever.  Regardless, I do NOT regret for even one second my decision.

I remember driving home, having to give the news to friends and family - our baby was probably going to die.  Worst day of my life! 

Yes May 12... May 12 is a bad, bad day.  And as I've thought about how to deal with this day, my thoughts have been all over the place.  May 12th was not a happy day... not like Lily's birthday is.  But given what happened on May 12th, I've realized that May 12th really is a happy day, because it is the day that God started to heal my daughter.  When I told my mom - just pray, I believe that God started his healing of Lily, and he continued that healing throughout my pregnancy - allowing her to be miraculously born only 4 months later with the least amount of complications we thought were possible. 

May 12th is certainly the day that my bubble burst, but it's also the day my personal miracle was started.  And now, 1 year later, this is what I stared at this morning as I woke up


It takes my breath away.  May 12th, Lily, is your miracle day.  A day that my life was forever changed.

It became evident to me on that day that God himself created you exactly how he wants you to be.  I hope he and you are patient with me as I am still learning that.  Sometimes I want you to be like other babies to fit into the mold of "normal".  I want you to eat well, have less reflux, grow bigger, grow taller.  But Lily, you are you.  You are exactly as you are meant to be.  I am learning, I am accepting, me, the person who loves to be control, is still learning that I am not in control, I never was in control, and its probably better that way.  He healed you.  He allowed me to hold your warm, fully alive body in my arms - something last May 12th I never thought I'd get the chance to do.

I carried you those many hard, tiring, and emotional month, and now you carry me.  Your laugh and smile are infectious - as everyone who knows you is well aware.  Your smile is a reminder to me to try and just let the non-important stuff go, because I know that is really importannt in life.

Today, I am going to let go.  Let the trauma of my pregnancy go.  That chapter is officially closed.
May 12th, the day that your healing started, the day my miracle began!

Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

This is one part blog post and one part support group therapy.  Since having Lily, I have to multi-task as I struggle to work 40 hours a week, lose weight, exercise, take Lily to about 2 therapy/doctor appointments a week, blog, and also raise a sassy, and apparently getting sassier by the day 4 year old!  So... stick with me while I knock 2 things off that list at once.

I'm tired.
In fact, I'm so tired I can't sleep.
It makes absolutely no sense and yet its 100 percent true.

I guess you could say I have insomnia.  Wikipedia says "insomnia is often defined as a positive response to either of two questions: "Do you experience difficulty sleeping?" or "Do you have difficulty falling or staying asleep?"  I guess my answers would be YES, and HECK YEAH! 

Now let me clarify by saying that I have exactly zero issues falling asleep.  Honestly I think my head hits the pillow and I'm out.  I'm THAT exhausted from each day.  What I do have trouble with is staying asleep.  My sleep is restless, and I wake many, many times a night.  And not for long periods of time, just long enough to look at the clock, register the time in my head, and fall back asleep again.  I'm honestly not sure I'm falling into deep sleep at all.  This started probably about 1-2 months ago, and seems to be getting worse. 

Wikipedia also says that, "insomnia is most often thought of as both a sign and a symptom that can accompany several sleep, medical, and psychiatric disorders."

And so I wonder what is my insomnia a sign and symptom of?  I think more about it and guess what... it makes me get more insomnia. 

I'm sure in some way this is probably all related to the lovely leftover hormones of a pregnancy that feels like it was already a long time ago, but was only about 7 months ago.  Most doctors agree that hormones take up to a year after giving birth to get back to "normal".  And one might argue that since I have had PCOS mine really may not ever be "normal."

My lack of weight loss, despite my best efforts?  Well... I have to wonder if it isn't directly related to my lack of sleep.

Yes.  I know I need to see my doctor.  I've been trying to call and make an appointment for days and I just get put on permahold through their phone system!  I've had to give up 4 times now because I couldn't wait any longer and I was allegedly the next caller in line according to their messaging on hold.  Next caller in line for 20 minutes?  Makes me wonder what caller number one's issues are.

So... in the meantime, give me your best remedies for insomnia.  I'm taking any and all suggestions... GO!