Fat Little Legs: 2011

2011 Goals, Revisited

2011 Goals December 31, 2011

I’ve spent some time the last couple of days reviewing my goals from last year. I have to say it has been a really hard experience. This has been a really hard post to write. This time last year, I had high hopes. 2011 was going to be an amazing year. I was going to lose a little more weight, run a 10k, and not let things bother me so much. Well… as you know, life took an unexpected turn. I could not have even begun to predict what 2011 would, in reality, bring me last year at this time.

At this time last year I vowed to run a 10k in 2011. In March I quit running because I couldn’t keep my heart rate in a safe zone, and it made me really sick every time I ran. FAIL!

I wanted to make a healthier physical me. I made a goal to decrease my body fat percentage, and eat more whole foods. Instead, I end this year 40+ pounds heavier, and have eaten more pieces of pie and giant muffins than I can count. FAIL!

I wanted to make a healthier emotional me. I told myself no more negative self-talk, less negativity and anger. Instead, I end this year feeling worse about myself than probably ever. I have lived through the most negative year of my life. I have probably been angrier this year than any other year in my life so far. FAIL!

Finally, at this time last year, I prayed that I would get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, and have a baby, and God said,

“Ok… but let me work, this my way, not yours. You are going to have to have a lot of trust and a ton of patience… things I know you need to work on. Let me use your story as a demonstration of my amazing grace and goodness.”

I did get pregnant… very shortly after writing my goals for 2011 last year. I did NOT get preeclampsia. Did I have the healthiest pregnancy ever? No. But I am OK with that. WIN!

I do not understand the events of 2011. I do not understand why I was chosen to walk the road that I did this year. I do not understand sometimes the pain and sorrows of life, or even the immense joy at other times in life. I do not understand why I had to work so hard to lose weight and get pregnant, and then experience the pregnancy I did, when for some people a healthy baby comes so easily. I do understand why my precious daughter was allowed to make it, while 99% of other Turner Syndrome babies do not. I do not understand why I’ve been chosen to raise a daughter that will have some extra needs.

And while I will never understand the events of 2011, what I do know is that we end 2011 blessed with our sweet little Lily. What I do know is that she is a witness of the goodness of God, of the wisdom of God. What I do know is that I was chosen to be her mother, however hard that is some days, and accept that challenge fully and hope for a 2012 with much less struggles… for all of us. I don’t think I would go back and change any of, even if I still live sometimes in the constant post-traumatic stress of it all.

So while I look on most of my goals of 2011 with failure. I also know that in stark contrast there is so much success. When I started Weight Watchers 3 years ago, I did so so that I could lose weight and have a baby. It was my ultimate goal, and it had little to do with the number on the scale. This year that goal was finally realized. It eclipses the failures of all of the other goals! There are many other years left to run 10ks and decrease my body fat percentage. Being, 34, I didn’t have a lot of good years left to have a baby. And while my pregnancy was not at all what I had envisioned, at the end of it all, what I’m left with is that Lily Grace is here, and she is smiling and cooing and kicking and living!

I could really sit around today and focus on the crap of 2011. I could curl up with my snuggie and champagne glass and feel sorry for myself. And in all honesty, I will not be sad to finally see 2011 in my rear view mirror. But instead I think I’ll focus on the good and will spend the last hours of 2011 snuggling my sweet children.

Goodbye 2011…Good Riddance to you

I wish you all an amazing new start in 2012!

Favorite Posts of 2011

2011 December 29, 2011

Can You Commit to Just 10 Minutes?

A-ha moments December 27, 2011

Merry Christmas

Holidays December 26, 2011

Victory at Last

Post Baby Weight Loss December 23, 2011

Yesterday was my week 1 weigh in after starting back to Weight Watcher's meetings. I was so happy to lose 3.4 pounds! It was exactly the victory that I needed after trying a few weeks ago and have less than stellar results. I am feeling confidence in myself and the Points Plus plan.

I had a good week, I had 2 parties/events that had food that I attended, and they didn't derail me, but I still had fun. I was so much more conscious about what I was putting in my mouth. It feels so good to know that I CAN do this again. I feel renewed strength and energy. I know I will get back to my goal weight, but I will not be surprised or annoyed if it takes me about a year. I have 40 more pounds to lose. This is not an easy journey, but as I've always said... its worth it. I am worth it... we are worth it!

When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting... no matter how small... I am reminded why I am there, and why it is so important for me. Yesterday there were only a handful of people at my meeting - a sign of the season for sure, but there were so many great ideas and conversation. To be with other people that are real in their struggles is so important for me. Our leader was a fill in, because CWWL was away for Christmas, and she was a spit-fire! I loved her! She told us that people that attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 50% more weight than those that try to do it alone, or online.

Now, don't get me wrong... if that works for you, then great! But I know for me, I have to be in that meeting. The 2 years I was losing my 115 pounds I missed only a handful of meetings and those were because I was usually on vacation. I know now in retrospect that meetings were the #1 key to my weight loss. I feel so much stronger after them, I feel understood, I have more willpower.

As we are 2 days away from Christmas, I am not going to promise you I will be perfect. This week my goal is to maintain or gain less than 1 pound. It is Christmas after all.. there is lefse to be eaten, and chocolate chip cookie dough balls to be tasted. If it's a 9 or a 10... I will probably eat some. But I will make sure I love it, and I won't stretch out Christmas Eve and day into a week or even longer.

I feel strong... I feel ready FINALLY... I am ready for the final chapter of this journey. This time it isn't about my desire for another child, like before Lily, this time it is about me, and making me the best me I can be. 40 pounds should be a piece of cake after 115, right?

May your holidays be Merry and Bright!

Christmas Letter

Holidays December 22, 2011

Changes

Post Baby Weight Loss December 19, 2011

Choices, Not Chance

Motivation December 15, 2011

I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't want to do it. I had thought about it for days with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had talked myself into and out of it so many times throughout the week it wasn't even funny. In fact, just this morning I probably talked myself in and out of it 10 times before noon.

But I knew I needed to do it, and so my body in some sort of automatic fashion at around 11:20 am today got out my chair at work, got its coat on, walked to my car, and drove a few miles down the road. When I parked in the parking lot I took a huge breath, pasted a half-ass smile across my face, and walked through the doors....

OF WEIGHT WATCHERS!

I don't know why I was nervous. Maybe its because of the 45 or so pounds that I've gained since March, maybe its because I thought that people would think I was a complete failure, that they would judge me harshly. Yes, it was those things, and maybe it was also because I think I won't be able to do this... that I will fail. I think its also because it seems foolish barely a week before Christmas to "start Weight Watchers". Despite those feelings, I also knew in my heart that if any one person there had had the year I had just endure, any one of them might be exactly in my spot. For a moment I was just happy to have survived this year.. this pregnancy.

This was the right time for me, despite the holidays approaching. Even if I just strive to maintain I will be better off. I want to fit in my clothes again. I want to feel light on my feet, and hold my head up high again. I want to run after my Ls squared and not be tired. I want to do a race with my son someday... soon! I want to love me again and not be ashamed. I want the world to know that I walked through a year of shit, gained some weight, and lost it. Because isn't that so true? Isn't that something that has happened to everyone at one time or another.

Yes, I tried to do it on line... the result is that I'm up about 4 pounds since starting it online. Obviously that wasn't working for me.

So.. I knew what I had to do, and despite all of those feelings. I went, and now I feel like a heavy weight (not literally, unfortunately) has been lifted off my shoulders.

Once I sat down and the meeting started I knew that I had absolutely made the right decision. I felt a sense of willpower and positivity come over me. As we started to talk about food and the holidays and how to deal, I knew that I was in the right place. As I thought about the party I will be attending tomorrow and the food and alcohol that would be there something magical was said... "you have to decide what you want more, to lose weight, or to eat the food." Its choices, not chance that will get me back to my goal weight.

I can do this, I want this, I am worth this.
Choices not chance, that is my new mantra.

I'm Hungry

Help December 12, 2011

This Sums It Up

Inspiration December 09, 2011

Skinny Sarah.... I Miss You Madly

Post Baby Weight Loss December 08, 2011

Tonight I did something I have needed to do for awhile, but I was in complete denial. I packed up all of the clothes (which is pretty much all my pants/skirts/dresses) that don't fit me right now, into containers, and put in the basement. I felt a couple of small tears fall down my face as I did it.

There was the beautiful navy Ann Taylor nautical jacket I coveted for 2 months last year, and when it went 50% off I bought it for myself in a size 10 last January. Fun little size 8 skirts, and the dress that I rocked at my nieces wedding last January. All packed away!

I know I sound shallow to be disappointed about such things, especially after having gone through this past year, and realizing that the important things in life are certainly not material! You'd think I would just be so thankful that I got to nourish my sweet, precious Lily in this body for over 37 weeks, when we were told at 19 weeks that would not be the case. Yes.. you'd think I wouldn't care. But I do.

I look back at blog posts, and see how proud I was of myself and running, meeting goals, hitting 100 pounds lost, rocking size 8 pants and medium shirts! Since I started Weight Watchers in October of 2008, I managed to lose 115 pounds and in the process finally find myself... discover that being fat no longer defined me. I oozed confidence for the first time in my life. I didn't shy away from things as much because I wasn't fat anymore. Now... I've managed to lose myself again. I feel like a blob has swallowed the Sarah that sat here last year at this time. I look in the mirror and just like I didn't recognize myself as I got thin, I now no longer recognized myself because I'm fat again.

It's stupid, and selfish, but I can't help but care that that person is gone right now. Just like the clothes, she has been boxed up and put down the basement. And while it feels good to remove that baggage in my closet and sort of move on and accept what my here and now is. It also makes me sad to lose the skinny Sarah.

I know I will find her again, but right now I just can't seem to muster up the willpower, determination, and time it takes to take care of myself, and take care of the two little people that need me.

In the meantime, Skinny Sarah... I miss you madly, and hope to see you again sometime in 2012. I will find you again, but right now I have a sweet baby girl that needs me to hold her first.

How I Am

Highs and Lows December 07, 2011

My Favorite Things - Kids and Baby Edition

Favorite Things December 02, 2011

And It Was Very Good

Body Failure November 28, 2011

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up. And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.

You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with: I don't like myself very much right now.

See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily. Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear. I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning. And so, I ate. I don't like what I see when I look at myself. I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans. I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.

Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult. She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in. Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat! My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days. I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me! I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this. We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues. And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet. As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.

Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing. I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower. For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes. I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen. Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break.

I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment. And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!

The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress. Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom. And it adds to the stress. And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues. When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.

I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy. I'm just sharing where I'm at right now. Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do. But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning: "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good.

Happy Thanksgiving

Grateful November 24, 2011

I Have Never Been More Thankful

Grateful November 23, 2011

It's Thanksgiving Eve... and many times I've thought of composing this post, and each time I even stare at the blank screen I start to cry.

For despite dealing with lack of sleep, low self-esteem, a colicky, refluxy baby, and a house that always seems in mess and chaos, I have never been more thankful.

At the beginning of this year, I set out some major goals: run a 10k, eat cleaner, lose 10 more pounds, but its funny how goals change. Here I am, with only a month left in the year, not having run a 10k, in fact, I haven't run since February, admitting that I have eaten way more than my share of pies and licorice, and 40 pounds more than I was last Thanksgiving. And while I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror these days and love what I see, I still have never been more thankful.

I have a turkey breast in my fridge to cook for tomorrow - who knows if it will ever make it to the oven, and my mashed potatoes are prepackaged from Costco, I have no gravy, and I shudder to think that my cranberries may actually have to come out of a can. I have high hopes to make a pumpkin bread pudding recipe, but in my heart I know that we'll end up with a store bought pie. And yet... I've never been more thankful!

At work this past week, I found spit up crusted to the shoulder of my new Ann Taylor shirt, and there was no makeup on my face. About 2 pm I felt as though I might actually collapse in a heap on top of my desk, and yet I have never been more thankful.

I clean poop out of the underwear of a 4 year old that can't seem to learn that holding it in all day is not working for him... and yet I've never been more thankful.

Currently I have no clean sheets, and in fact the last 2 nights I have slept on top of a pillowcase thrown over baby puke on my sheets. I also currently have no clean pajamas due to being projectile vomited on many times. My bedroom smells like sour milk and my couches are going to have to be replaced, but yet the reason is because there is a real, live baby girl projectile vomiting all over these items, and I have never been more thankful!

As you gather your families around the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, remember that you never know what is going to happen in life. Life can change so suddenly. So make sure to enjoy every single minute you have with the ones you love, and thank God for them regardless of the difficulties or circumstances.

Remember to give thanks for the obvious things... and maybe the not so obvious ones too!