I have plans.
Plans to join Weight Watchers online for the last 3 weeks... no I'm not a member yet.
Plans to start running again.
Plans to quit eating candy... and pie.
Plans to run a 5k again... someday.
Plans to actually sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.

But you know what the issue with plans is?

They are just that... plans.  They don't have any action behind them.  They are just thoughts.
Thoughts are easy to think, but its the doing that's harder.

Reaching your goals requires you to put your plans into action, and unfortunately action appears to be what I'm lacking these days. 

So what I am waiting for?  I know I said before that I am scared.  No, make that terrified.  I am terrified that I'll try to lose weight again and fail.  Versus the feeling of failure I think staying 35 pounds above my goal weight seems like a better option.  I mean its not like I'm 100+ pounds overweight again.  It's OK to be here, right? 

Nope... it's really not OK.  It's not OK, because being here will lead to be being there - and by there I mean at 281 pounds again - as quickly as I can blink. 

This is what real weight loss looks like.  Even though I once made it to goal, I still don't have all the answers.  I struggle every single day.  I think about ever morsel I put in my mouth.  I weigh myself too much, I feel guilty for eating a piece of candy... and I judge myself and put myself down for all of these things.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, I don't like the number on the scale, but yet I'm not doing anything about it.

My body feels like a war zone.  It nourished a baby for 9 month, and now both physically and emotionally I have been through the accumulated stress of about 20 years in those 9 months.  I still feel uncertainty about things that are ahead of us... like an appointment with the pediatric surgeon tomorrow.  I still have a life time of worrying to do about my daughter.

And yet... putting crap in my mouth, and refusing to take care of myself like I deserve is not going to solve those problems.  And that is what I battle this time around.

So tomorrow I end it all... tomorrow I start taking care of myself again, and putting my plans into action.  I can do this again.  I am worth it.  I am not a failure.  I am strong, and I will succeed.  I will do it for myself, and I will do it for these people

I'm back baby!

P.S. CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newer readers) in a few weeks I'm coming back to "see" you.  I hope you have a giant box of tissues ready because remember what I said about the stress of 20 years in the last 9 months?  I have a feeling that's going to come out as watery drops through the eyes.  Its going to be a fun holiday season, huh?