"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up.  And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.

You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with:  I don't like myself very much right now. 

See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily.  Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear.  I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning.  And so, I ate.  I don't like what I see when I look at myself.   I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans.  I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.

Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult.  She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in.  Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat!  My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days.  I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me!  I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this.  We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues.  And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet.  As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.

Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing.  I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower.  For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes.  I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen.  Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break. 

I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment.  And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!

The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress.  Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom.  And it adds to the stress.  And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues.  When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.

I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy.  I'm just sharing where I'm at right now.  Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do.  But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning:  "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."  I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good. 

It's Thanksgiving Eve... and many times I've thought of composing this post, and each time I even stare at the blank screen I start to cry.

For despite dealing with lack of sleep, low self-esteem, a colicky, refluxy baby, and a house that always seems in mess and chaos, I have never been more thankful.

At the beginning of this year, I set out some major goals:  run a 10k, eat cleaner, lose 10 more pounds, but its funny how goals change.  Here I am, with only a month left in the year, not having run a 10k, in fact, I haven't run since February, admitting that I have eaten way more than my share of pies and licorice, and 40 pounds more than I was last Thanksgiving.  And while I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror these days and love what I see, I still have never been more thankful.

I have a turkey breast in my fridge to cook for tomorrow - who knows if it will ever make it to the oven, and my mashed potatoes are prepackaged from Costco, I have no gravy, and I shudder to think that my cranberries may actually have to come out of a can.  I have high hopes to make a pumpkin bread pudding recipe, but in my heart I know that we'll end up with a store bought pie.  And yet... I've never been more thankful!

At work this past week, I found spit up crusted to the shoulder of my new Ann Taylor shirt, and there was no makeup on my face.  About 2 pm I felt as though I might actually collapse in a heap on top of my desk, and yet I have never been more thankful.

I clean poop out of the underwear of a 4 year old that can't seem to learn that holding it in all day is not working for him... and yet I've never been more thankful.

Currently I have no clean sheets, and in fact the last 2 nights I have slept on top of a pillowcase thrown over baby puke on my sheets. I also currently have no clean pajamas due to being projectile vomited on many times. My bedroom smells like sour milk and my couches are going to have to be replaced, but yet the reason is because there is a real, live baby girl projectile vomiting all over these items, and I have never been more thankful!

As you gather your families around the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, remember that you never know what is going to happen in life.  Life can change so suddenly.  So make sure to enjoy every single minute you have with the ones you love, and thank God for them regardless of the difficulties or circumstances. 

Remember to give thanks for the obvious things... and maybe the not so obvious ones too!

A repost from last Thanksgiving... here are my favorite Thanksgiving recipes - PointsPlus values included!  ENJOY!
Cranberry Orange Relish

There is nothing I love more than a tasty cranberry sauce. It is SO easy to make… and tastes 1000 times better than the canned stuff. This is awesome as a condiment for sandwiches, and even a dessert topping. This is the recipe I’ve used for the past several years. I’ve lightened it by subbing some Splenda for the sugar and using Light Orange Juice.

Makes approximately 4 cups of sauce.
1 serving = ¼ cup = 1 Weight Watchers PointsPlus Value

½ cup Splenda
½ cup Honey
2 cups Orange Juice – I use Trop50 Light Orange Juice
2 Tbsp peeled and grated fresh ginger root
2 Tbsp fresh orange zest
1 cinnamon stick
3 cups fresh cranberries – basically 1 bag
1 tsp sea salt

In a medium saucepan over low heat, combine the Splenda, honey and orange juice. Simmer until everything is completely dissolved. Add the ginger, orange zest and cinnamon stick. Stir. Next, add the cranberries and simmer stirring occasionally for 45-60 minutes. The mixture should become thick. Remove from heat and stir in the salt.

This can be made several days in advance and kept in the refrigerator.


Sarah’s Stuffing

This is an adaptation of a recipe I found about 5 years ago on www.allrecipes.com. I’ve changed some of the ingredients to my tastes, and lightened it a bit, eliminating unneeded butter, and using reduced-fat sausage.

12 servings
1 serving = ½ cup = 4 Weight Watchers PointsPlus Values

12 oz Jimmy Dean reduced-fat sausage
2 cups chopped onion
2 apples – peeled, cored, and chopped
2 cups chopped celery
1 Tbsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp dried rosemary
1 cup dried cranberries
14 oz Pre package stuffing mix – like Pepperidge Farm
2 cups fat-free chicken broth
1 Tbsp fresh sage leaves
Salt and pepper to taste

In a large skillet over medium heat cook the sausage until brown. Transfer the sausage to a large bowl. Now, use the same skillet over medium heat and add the onions, apples, celery, and poultry seasoning. Cook, stirring frequently for about 10 minutes. Stir in rosemary, cranberries, and sage.

Mix the onion mixture with the sausage mixture and Stuffing Mix in the large bowl. Add the chicken broth and salt and pepper to taste.

I’ll be honest; I usually don’t stuff the turkey… I actually make this the day before, and then put it in my crock pot on low to reheat on Thanksgiving Day. Easy Peasy… and delicious!


Twice Baked Sweet Potatoes – aka Drunk Potatoes
Makes 8 servings
1 serving = ½ of a full potato = 6 Weight Watchers PointsPlus Values

My husband is Canadian, and last year he went to his sister’s house in Vancouver for Canadian Thanksgiving… which is in October – usually the same day as Columbus Day in the US. They made sweet potatoes that were glazed with a mixture of Kahlua, butter, and sugar. I took the same ingredients… added in a streusel topping and decided to make twice baked potatoes with it instead… here’s the yummy result:

4 medium-sized sweet potatoes/yams
3 Tbsp Light Butter
3 Tbsp firmly packed brown sugar
¼ cup Kahlua or other coffee flavored Liqueur

For the topping:
3 Tbsp packed brown sugar
2 Tbsp all purpose flour
2 Tbsp Light Butter, softened
¼ cup chopped pecans

Cut the potatoes lengthwise in half; place the cut-sides down on a non-stick baking sheet. Bake 30 to 35 min. on 425 degrees or until tender.

Remove from oven and cool a few minutes until you can handle them, and then scoop out the centers of potatoes into a bowl, leaving behind the shell.

Add 3 Tbsp of the light butter, 3 Tbsp of the brown sugar, and the Kahlua to the sweet potatoes. Mash until everything is well combined, and mixture is fairly smooth.

Fill the shells with potato mixture;

In a separate bowl, combine the topping ingredients: 3 Tbsp brown sugar, the flour, 2 Tbsp Light Butter, and the chopped pecans. Mix together until crumbly. Top each potato with about a Tbsp of the mixture.

Return the potatoes to the oven and bake for 10-15 minutes or until the filling is heated through and the crumb topping is just starting to brown.


Green Beans with Yellow Pepper Butter
This is a classic recipe that makes an excellent substitution to the traditional Green Bean Casserole that is found on many Thanksgiving dinner tables. This recipe was taken from the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook, and adapted by me to lighten it up. I think it tastes just as great as the original.

Serves 8
Servings Size = ½ cup = 3 PointsPlus Values

1 tablespoon butter
1 medium yellow sweet pepper, coarsely shredded
4 tablespoons margarine or butter, softened
1/4 cup pine nuts
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
4 cups green beans, trimmed
1 large yellow sweet pepper, cut into thin strips

In a small saucepan melt the 1 tablespoon butter. Add the shredded sweet pepper. Cook over medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until crisp-tender. Set aside.

In a blender or food processor bowl combine the 4 Tablespoons softened butter and the pine nuts. Cover; blend or process until almost smooth. Add cooked sweet pepper, lemon juice, salt, and black pepper. Cover; blend or process until almost smooth. Set aside.

In a covered saucepan cook beans in a small amount of boiling water for 12 minutes. Add the sweet pepper strips the last 3 minutes of cooking. Drain the beans and sweet pepper strips.

To serve, transfer beans and sweet pepper strips to a serving bowl. Add the blended margarine mixture; toss to coat.

So... no one in this house seems to be able to get their weight to change much.
Lily is gaining, but SLOWLY!  At her 2 month checkup on Wednesday she was 7 lbs 11 oz.  She is currently on Prilosec for reflux, and while it has helped some, overall the reflux seems to be worse lately.  She often refuses to eat and when she does eat she will squirm and complain like we are torturing her.  And now the projectile vomiting has started.  I would be lying, if I didn't admit that I am worn out and stressed beyond belief from all of this.  I guess I assumed having the pregnancy from hell would give us an easier time on the other side, but as you can see this certainly hasn't been the case.  Yesterday Lily had an upper GI study, which didn't show anything that would require surgery.

Today we are headed to see a speech therapist for some of the aversion to eating issues.  I really hope we can find something that helps her soon!  I feel like the time to enjoy her during these early months is slipping away, and find myself sad.

As for me... well... my weight this week is really barely better than last week.  I am down .2.  Which makes an overall loss over 2 weeks .1 of a pound (yes, that is a point in front of the 1).  Mathematically it doesn't even make sense, because I'm definitely taking in enough reduced calories to equal at least a 1-2 pound loss, and yet I lose .2.  Very frustrated and down about it, and with all the stress regarding Lily's reflux and eating issues, I just don't have the energy to even deal with it all right now.

As stressed, exhausted, and frustrated as I am right now.  I am so incredibly thankful every morning to kiss my sweet little girl's head, that for those moments it all just melts away!

Today is National Prematurity Awareness Day.
The Empire State Building is lit in purple tonight in honor of it.

Just over 4 years ago, I knew nothing about premature birth.  The thought of it never even crossed my mind.  I didn't realize it could happen to me, and then on August 9th, 2007 I became suddenly and unexpectedly aware of premature birth, when my own little preemie entered the world at 3 pounds 4 oz and 16.5 inches long.  He was born too early, because I developed HELLP syndrome - a very severe form of preeclampsia.  The only way to save me and him was for him to enter the world... early!

27 hard, and yet precious days in the NICU followed.  I can honestly say that I still remember two of the nurses there distinctly - Debbie and Amy.  I will never be able to express to them how much they did for our family during those 27 days. 

I remember the day we brought him home.  I remember being terrified that this preemie was now living in my home with me.  We had a year of RSV shots, avoiding other people, and being scared at every little symptom.

I still walk into a hospital and can smell that distinct, antiseptic soap smell.  It's all it takes for the memories of isolettes and NG tubes to come racing back.

Today... thanks to modern medicine my preemie is a 36 pound, 4 year old.  He is in the 50th percentile for weight, and the 70th for height.  He wasn't even on the charts until he was 2.  He is smart, and fun, and social.  He loves computers, scrambled eggs, and music.  He can be sassy and sweet within the same 10 minutes, and sometimes he stands in the middle of my living room and poops his pants on purpose... I'd say he is a normal 4 year old boy... wouldn't you?  He bounced back from his early start... and then some!

Baby "L" saved me from a life of obesity.  It is because of my preemie that I decided I finally had to do something about my weight.  It makes me almost teary-eyed when he now shows pride that I'm his mommy.

"L" 1 day old

"L" 1 year old

"L" - 2 years old

"L" - 3 years old

"L" - 4 years old

Don't be a fool like me and think it can't happen to you.  1 in 8 babies are born too soon.  Prematurity is the number one killer of newborns!  I support the March of Dimes, as they try to lower these statistics.

Yes... you all know that Lily is a miracle, but my first born is also a miracle!  And he was even tinier than she was!  I am the luckiest mom in the world to be the mother of 2 miracles! 

Its Thursday... which means I weighed myself for the first time since starting back to counting Points last Thursday. 

Overall, my week was really good.  I followed the plan.  I measured my food.  I stopped eating candy.  Probably the only thing that I didn't do was drink the amount of water I should have.. but, I was close.

So... when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was really hopeful.  But instead what I got was a weight that was up .1 of a pound.  I blinked, and laughed thinking I must have screwed up and I got off and stepped on again... same number, 215.1.  I can't believe it.  I'm PISSED!  No, make that I'm PISSED AS HELL!  Can you tell I'm mad?

I really can't figure it out, but what it does is makes me 100% distrust the Points Plus program.  And even more it makes me distrust my body.  When bodies were being handed out, I got the lemon, and unlike a car I don't think there is a lemon law anywhere for bodies.

In fact, I was so mad about it that I sat in my bed and cried about it for a good hour this morning.  I actually lost less weight this week, than last week when I was not doing Weight Watchers and was mindlessly eating Halloween candy.  My mind says then maybe I should just go back to eating candy.  Yeah, I know, that's just stupid.

This is like living through my worst fear... I that I will NOT be able to lose weight again. 

I'm really not sure what to do from here.  I know I can't give up, but I seriously cannot put in the effort and willpower that losing weight takes without getting a payoff for doing it.

I am confused, and angry, and scared.  I don't like how I look and how I feel.  This stinks!
Please excuse me while I put a pan of brownies in the oven...

I'm finally finding some time to cook again, and try and experiment with new recipes, so I'll be posting at least 1 recipe for week until the end of the year.

Here's our dinner from last night.  Everyone gave it 2 thumbs up



1/2 cup chicken broth
3 Tbsp oyster sauce
1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp cornstarch
1 Tbsp rice wine or white vinegar
1-1/2 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast, diced
1/4 tsp salt and pepper
2 red bell peppers, chopped
1 onion, chopped
2 tsp Thai chili paste - I used Thai garlic chili paste
1/2 cup cashews
green onions, chopped (optional)

Whisk together the broth, oyster sauce, sugar, cornstarch, and vinegar in a small bowl.  Set aside.

In a skillet or wok, heat 1 Tbsp of the oil over medium-high heat.  Add the chicken and salt and pepper and cook until golden brown - about 5 minutes, depending on the heat of your pan.  Remove from the pan, and add the remaining oil, peppers, onion, and chili paste.  Stir fry another 5 minutes.  Return chicken to the pan, and cooked 1 more minute. Add the sauce mixture you made at the beginning and stir for 1 minute until thickened.  Add cashews and green onions, and cook one more minute, just to heat.

I served with rice, and Annie Chun's potstickers (4 for 3 Points+)

And if you are not doing Weight Watchers here's the nutritional info:
Calories:  282
Fat:  14
Carbs:  18 with 2.5 g fiber
Protein:  24

Dear Lily -

I have been meaning to write this for a couple of weeks now, but when you have a little baby, time seems to get away from you.

Lily, this is the story of... you!  How you came to join our family.  Sometimes things are easy, but having you was not easy.  When mommy was only 6 weeks pregnant with you, she had an ultrasound.  I have never been so happy to see your little heart beating away.  The doctor thought your heart rate was a little slow though, so at 7 weeks we had another ultrasound, and it was beating away at 150 bpm... just perfect, were the words the ultrasound tech used.

Everything after that was uneventful until that horrible day in May when we found out something was wrong with you.  It was supposed to be a special day that we found out whether you were a boy or a girl, but it quickly turned into one of the worst days of my life.  I'll never forget turning to your daddy in the ultrasound room and saying "This can't be good!" when the tech left, and said she needed to go get the doctor.  And at that point in time, I was right, it wasn't good.  Dr. N explained to us that you had fluid in your heart and lungs, and a very large sac on the back of your head called a cystic hygroma.   At that point, I had never even heard of a cystic hygroma before that day.  He made an appointment for us with the specialist, and sent us away with an apology.  I remember sitting outside his office on a bench in the entryway sobbing.  It was supposed to be a happy day.  We were supposed to be finding out your gender, and hearing that you were "just perfect".  That didn't happen that day...  I remember, Lily, that is was raining.  Raining really, really hard!  I remember walking to my car, and not caring that I was getting soaked, because I felt soaked inside too. 

You see, my pregnancy with your brother was difficult.  I was really overweight, and it was uncomfortable and ended in him being born 5 weeks early in an emergency C-section, and needing to spend 27 days in the hospital.  You, Lily, were supposed to be my redemption pregnancy.  Everything was supposed to go perfectly.  You were supposed to be a big baby, and healthy, and not spend more than a couple of days in the hospital, and now we were being told something was wrong with you.

I remember the first time later that day that we entered Dr. P's office for our level 2 ultrasound.  The nurse explained that they would be very honest with us and tell us everything.  She explained that it might sometimes be hard to hear things, and that we would talk to a counselor afterwards.  I felt like I was walking into a death chamber that day, on my way to be executed.  I know that sounds dark, but I want you to know the truth someday when you are old enough to read this. 

Things after that were a blur, but I remember being told that the cystic hygroma on the back of your head/neck was very complicated and very large... as big as your head at that point.  I remember also that they were pretty concerned about your heart, as it had fluid around it.  After the scan, meeting with the counselor we were told it was probably a good chance that you had a chromosomal defect, but there were also chances of a rare genetic condition, or even that I had an infection.  We were not given the scenario where there was a chance that you were fine.  Something was wrong.  Our doctor strongly believed that you may have something called Turner syndrome, which is where part or all of one of your "X" chromosomes is missing.  We were offered an amniocentesis to have a definitive answer.  Your daddy and I decided we didn't want that, as in the end it wouldn't help you, it would only be for us... we did ask, just to make sure.  We were given handouts about in utero death, and we were walked through what would happen if/when  you didn't make it.  The statistics were grim.  We were told there was maybe a 2-7% chance you would survive.  We were told that everyone was really sorry, and we were sent home to grieve you, with a repeat appointment in 3 weeks.

Those next 3 weeks were complete hell for me!  I cried a lot, and walked around in a fog.  There were times I could pretend this wasn't happening... like at work, where I kept busy and could forget for a little while.  But most of the time I wasn't at work I was crying, and trying to sleep.  I wrote this post, a couple of days after our ultrasound, and I reached out to anyone and everyone that would possibly pray for you.  3 weeks finally passed, and we went back to Dr. P where we heard the news that surprisingly things were not any worse.  It was a small victory in a series of what was to be many small victories! 

Sometime after that the cystic hygroma on the back of your head/neck shrunk, but revealed another mass underneath that the doctors thought might possibly be part of your brain growing outside of your head.  We were told there was no way that they would know until you had an MRI after you were born.

Along the way.  I gave myself goals... get to 24 weeks, then 28 weeks.  Get to 30 weeks, get to 34 weeks.... get to 38-39 weeks were Dr. P said that she hoped we'd be doing a C-section.  I always wanted to talk about that, but she just said "Let's see if we get there."  As the weeks went on, I started meeting those goals, and the reality of your birth set in.

On September 15th I had an amnio to see if your lungs were ready.  You were a stinker and moved just as Dr. P inserted the needle, and you got poked in the butt.  Luckily, your lungs were ready, and we headed to the hospital very early the morning of September 16, 2011, so you could be born.  As 8:00 am rolled around I walked to the operating room with a team of amazing doctors, and everyone declared they were there for a C-section.  I declared I was there for a tummy tuck, but no such luck.  After about 20 minutes or so in the OR you were born, you cried pretty quickly.  I just remember that I kept asking how big you were, and I was told they hadn't weighed you yet.  Suddenly someone called out 5 lbs 9 oz!  I was shocked.  We were told you probably wouldn't be over 5.  As they whisked you away to the NICU, I got to see you, for a short minute, and you were amazing and perfect

Mommy and Lily meeting for the first time

It was the afternoon of the 17th of September when a somber doctor entered my hospital room.  She asked if I knew that you had a chromosomal screening.  I said that I did.  She asked if I was ready to talk about the results.  My heart skipped a beat for a moment, as I knew something must have showed up given the look on her face.  She even asked if your daddy was around - which he was not at the time.  I told her it was OK, we could still talk about it.  She then told me that you had Turner Syndrome.  She expected me to breakdown and cry.  I knew she did.  But honestly I was just so happy to have an answer, and honestly Lily, I could have cared less what you had at that point.  I was just so happy that you, the baby that was given barely a chance to live, was alive! 

Lily... you amazed us all. You spent 36 short hours in the NICU, which was the shortest we could have ever hoped for. You passed your cardiology tests, and an MRI showed that the growth on the back of your head was just skin and was not connected to your brain. Your kidneys were cleared as well. 

4 days after your birth, you and I went home together!  I didn't have to leave you at the hospital.  I was amazed and so blessed.
When we brought you home we were a bit shaken.  I have to admit that we were not prepared to bring a baby into our home.  We had been told you would never come home with us, so we quickly had to assemble our pack and play so you had somewhere to sleep.

Adding you into our family was an amazing journey... it was painful and tested our faith, but getting you at the end is the biggest blessing we could ever imagine.

Lily, someday you will find out you have Turner Syndrome.  You are missing an "X", but please know that, that does not limit who you are or what you can do in life.  You will probably be short, but that's OK, we'll get you a step stool and and Aunt Cathy will buy you some killer high heels.  And Lily, you will probably never be able to have a child of your own, but you know what?  You could certainly conceive and carry a baby through in-vitro fertilization or even adopt. 

Lily, know that hundreds if not thousands of people prayed for you before you were even born.  Understand and be amazed at your life and the power and awesomeness of the God that created you.  The God that was so wise to bless us with you and you with us.  He knew we needed each other.  Lily, now that my pregnancy is over and you are here, I would never ever change for a moment that path that brought us to you.  It has profoundly changed me.

Lily, shoot for the stars with whatever you do in life! You are a miracle.  Most of all, never, ever doubt that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.

This morning literally at the crack of dawn, I weighed myself and logged on to Weight Watchers online to join.  Finally a plan put into action.  I felt strongly about "starting" on a Thursday since that is my meeting day, and will be my weigh in day once I go back to meetings.

This morning the scale said 215 pounds... ugh!  I need to lose 40 pounds to get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight of 175 pounds.  I am not happy with myself, but it is done, and I am ready to move on with this next part of my life, and finally fit in my pants again!

I get a lot of points as I'm still breastfeeding part time, so really this should be easy, but I'll be honest - tonight especially I have found myself kind of hungry, but actually scared to eat even though I have points left.  Please don't give me a lecture about this... it is just how I feel.  I know finding foods I feel comfortable with will get easier as I get back into the swing of things.  Right now, I'm so unsure of the points value of so many foods that its hard.  I lost almost all of my weight on the original Points Plan, so getting used to Points Plus values is new to me.  I also have to say that I don't trust Points Plus yet, because I haven't had proved weight loss on it, only maintenance.  Once I see a few losses, I know I'll learn to trust it more, and things will be easier.

So... Day 1 is in the books.  I am proud of myself.

I have plans.
Plans to join Weight Watchers online for the last 3 weeks... no I'm not a member yet.
Plans to start running again.
Plans to quit eating candy... and pie.
Plans to run a 5k again... someday.
Plans to actually sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.

But you know what the issue with plans is?

They are just that... plans.  They don't have any action behind them.  They are just thoughts.
Thoughts are easy to think, but its the doing that's harder.

Reaching your goals requires you to put your plans into action, and unfortunately action appears to be what I'm lacking these days. 

So what I am waiting for?  I know I said before that I am scared.  No, make that terrified.  I am terrified that I'll try to lose weight again and fail.  Versus the feeling of failure I think staying 35 pounds above my goal weight seems like a better option.  I mean its not like I'm 100+ pounds overweight again.  It's OK to be here, right? 

Nope... it's really not OK.  It's not OK, because being here will lead to be being there - and by there I mean at 281 pounds again - as quickly as I can blink. 

This is what real weight loss looks like.  Even though I once made it to goal, I still don't have all the answers.  I struggle every single day.  I think about ever morsel I put in my mouth.  I weigh myself too much, I feel guilty for eating a piece of candy... and I judge myself and put myself down for all of these things.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, I don't like the number on the scale, but yet I'm not doing anything about it.

My body feels like a war zone.  It nourished a baby for 9 month, and now both physically and emotionally I have been through the accumulated stress of about 20 years in those 9 months.  I still feel uncertainty about things that are ahead of us... like an appointment with the pediatric surgeon tomorrow.  I still have a life time of worrying to do about my daughter.

And yet... putting crap in my mouth, and refusing to take care of myself like I deserve is not going to solve those problems.  And that is what I battle this time around.

So tomorrow I end it all... tomorrow I start taking care of myself again, and putting my plans into action.  I can do this again.  I am worth it.  I am not a failure.  I am strong, and I will succeed.  I will do it for myself, and I will do it for these people
I'm back baby!

P.S. CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newer readers) in a few weeks I'm coming back to "see" you.  I hope you have a giant box of tissues ready because remember what I said about the stress of 20 years in the last 9 months?  I have a feeling that's going to come out as watery drops through the eyes.  Its going to be a fun holiday season, huh?

Of  course with two cuties, I would be in trouble if I didn't post a picture of them from  Halloween.

Despite reassurance from the dragon, the pea is pissed!

Now... its the day after, and I'm stuck alone in the house with a baby and a crapload of Halloween candy.  Think my son will notice if I throw it in the trash before I eat it all?

Hope you all had a great Halloween.  I'd love to hear what you or your kids dressed up as. 

And remember, the Halloween candy is made as far back as Valentine's day, so its old and gross when you get it.  If you really need a sweet fix get yourself a couple of good pieces of dark chocolate and sit down and savor them!