Ready or Not
September 13, 2011With Monday’s doctor appointment now out of the way, I am headed into 1 more doctor appointment on Thursday, where as the explanation sheet I received puts it:
“a needle will be gently inserted into your stomach”
Umm… yeah right… I’ve never thought of gentleness and needles going together.
“… You will feel some pressure”
Not to mention the feeling that your heart is going to thump out of your chest!
“… You may have a loved one with you if you wish.”
Is this supposed to make me feel better? Seriously, how about the “loved one” has the needle gently inserted instead of me?Ok… now that I’m done with my freaking out about the amnio… we can continue.
Yesterday at my appointment the nurses were all asking me if I was excited… and if I was ready. Um… no and no. I think my face must’ve looked freaked out because they seemed to sense my tension. And… despite what you might think from reading my blog, I am actually a really calm, compliant patient – I swear! There really has never been a point where I have “freaked out” at the doctor’s office this whole pregnancy. I will not lie, and say that I haven’t freaked out outside the office, or perhaps in the car on the way home, but never in the office. I keep my cool. I am always calm and collected. I have been commended for how I seem to always have it together. I’m a good actress, huh?
Time for some truth. I really do not have it together at all right now. I am trying hard to stay positive and not scared, but nothing is helping. I want to have a calmness over me these next few days and especially Friday, but I’m having a hard time getting there. The thought of the surgery itself is really bugging me. I’m definitely a type A person, and I need … ok I guess I want to be in control. Everything is so out of control, and has been for months now! Every morning I hug my little “L” as I send him off to preschool, and wonder if this is the last time I’ll see him before I have my surgery (I really should say give birth to my daughter, but since we’re being honest here that is really what goes through my head).
I think about how I will have this little girl, and how she will be whisked away to the NICU. I remember when they whisked “L” away to the NICU, and then I remember all night long (since he was born at 11:56 pm) thinking I just had to see him, but I couldn’t because I was stuck… stuck because my body was numb, and there was no willing myself to do what I so desperately wanted to do. I remember thinking after spending 35 weeks with him in my body that he was suddenly gone from my body, and I remember some of the most intense sadness I have felt in my life over missing him.
I’m preparing myself for those same feelings, and it is overwhelming.
So am I ready?
No!
But ready or not here she comes!
5 comments
praying for you and a peace before, during and after she is born.
ReplyDeleteI am praying a lot for you, your sweet daughter, and the rest of your family. May God hold you in God's loving arms, and may you feel that embrace.
ReplyDeleteI've followed your story, and even though I suffered a miscarriage earlier this year, it's hard for me to put myself in your shoes and imaging what you must be feeling. Just know there are people praying for you and your family, and I ask that God will bless your daughter with health and strength that exceeds all expectations. I pray your strength and faith will, as well. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteBless you heart!! Friend I'm praying!!!! He is with you. Look for His peace and joy!!!
ReplyDeleteSending hugs!
Praying for you and your sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE hearing your thoughts and feedback. Please leave me a comment