Right now, I am as pregnant as I've ever been.  I'm exactly 35 weeks today!  "L" was born at 34 weeks and 6 days.  I've passed that point of my last pregnancy, I'm still pregnant, and I'm not sick ... yet!  I am filled with gratitude to be at this point.  Back on May 12th at our 19 week ultrasound, I would have never guessed that I would be sitting here still pregnant on the very last day of August.

Tomorrow we will have our final growth ultrasound.  I really hope baby girl has taken a leap forward in growth in the past 3 weeks, since overall she has been measuring small.  After tomorrow's appointment, I have exactly 2 doctor's appointments left!  I will be beyond happy to not trek there every week! 

My nasty cold is mostly gone, and my hospital bag is packed! 

Overall I am feeling beyond tired... and nervous, sometimes like a complete wreck nervous, talk myself off a ledge nervous.  During times when the baby is quiet, I will admit I often start to freak out.  The baby was a bit quieter than normal earlier this week, but then the last couple days has been moving like crazy again.  My hope is that she was just doing LOTS of growing.  I get a momentary respite from the worry.  The worry, and my increasingly pregnant self, has definitely affected my sleep.

I read this week in a devotional that:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the presence of faith.”
Source

Am I scared?  Heck yes!  But am I feeling courageous enough to make it through these last couple of weeks of this overall terrifying pregnancy?  Absolutely.  And that is certainly not my own doing.

Another week... I guess you could call it the last official week of summer, although, I know many of you have been "back to school" already for a few weeks.  In Minnesota, school doesn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day... and I don't have a child in school yet anyways, so it really doesn't effect our family.  We are definitely savoring the last few bits of summer, although secretly I'm looking forward to fall, as it's my favorite season!  I just wish it didn't lead to months and months of winter!
Savoring the season this week for us means using lots and lots of tomatoes out of our garden.  We have 3 regular tomato plants and 1 cherry tomato, and we've been swapping tomatoes with our neighbor who grew purple tomatoes, green tomatoes (yep they are ripe), and peach tomatoes.

I made a gorgeous marinated tomato salad last night, courtesy of the airing of Pioneer Woman's new cooking show

So on to this week's menu:
Grilled Hamburgers, Marinated Tomato Salad
Pesto Mozzarella Grilled Cheese, Pasta Salad
Blueberry Pancakes
Chicken Nachos with homemade salsa
Chicken Sausage, Peppers and Pasta

Last week Annie left a comment asking me: "As the new school year approaches, I wonder, what do you do for lunches and breakfast?"

Well... I don't have any kids in school, and my son gets fed breakfast and lunch at daycare, but I can definitely share what I do for breakfast/lunches normally. 

For breakfast I often have either an English muffin or a bagel thin with peanut butter or light cream cheese, and some sort of fruit (most of the time bananas - although I have hated them throughout my pregnancy).  I also mix this up sometimes with Greek Yogurt/Granola/Berries or oatmeal in the fall/winter.

Lunches are usually some sort of leftovers, as there are only really 3 of us (and one of us is 4, and doesn't eat that much), and most recipes make a minimum of 4 servings.  Sometimes we adapt leftovers, for instance last week on the weekend we made steak, so on Monday I made a steak quesadilla with leftover steak, shredded cheese, tortillas, and salsa for my lunch.  Or, I might make meatloaf on the weekend and do a meatloaf sandwich for lunch (one of my favorites). 

I also make sure there is plenty of fruit in our house.  I usually always have bananas, grapes, and apples on hand for lunches/snacks as those are the fruits "L" will eat right now.  I personally love melons in the summer, so I have been buying either a cantaloupe, watermelon, or honeydew each week, cutting into chunks, and taking with me for part of my lunch or a snack.

I also buy Havarti (pre-sliced) and cheddar cheese at Costco about once a month to have on hand for lunches/snacks.  One of my 4 year old's favorite lunches is what we call a "lunchable" - it consists of cheese cut up into slices/chunks, turkey pepperoni, pita chips or crackers, and a fruit (usually grapes these days).  I think this would be a great idea for those that need to pack a lunch. 

Good luck and happy back to school!

First, the good…
I am 3 weeks away from meeting our daughter.

My blood pressure yesterday was unbelievable! Now, note that I was laying down on my left side when they took it, but it was 95/65. No I did not type that wrong. I promptly informed them that their blood pressure machine wasn’t working, and we all had a good laugh.

The topic of yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was the State Fair. Boy… we must really be getting boring for our doctor.  Boring=good.

Our pediatric neurosurgeon will not be in town the scheduled day of my delivery, or the weekend following, but he feels that there will be no immediate need for surgery, and at the soonest it would be the next week if needed (yes I’m most definitely counting this under the good category).

Baby turned head down. You are probably wondering why this is good, given I’m having a C-section. I count it good, because she is doing something she is supposed to do (for once) SCORE!

It’s Friday, and we don’t have a ton going on this weekend for the first time all August, giving me time to prepare and time to rest and try to heal from my cold.

Next, the bad…
I feel fat… my maternity clothes fit horribly these days, and the super cute fall stuff in the stores is making me sad, because I want to buy it, but don’t fit, and won’t fit in any of it any time soon. I did buy a shirt on my lunch hour today, for some retail therapy.

I still have a horrible cold and it isn’t one bit better, since I got it on Monday night.

The ultrasound yesterday took a long time, because our baby would not do a limb extension to pass the “tone” part of the test. Also the tech had a hard time measuring the blood vessel in the brain because the baby is so low in my pelvis (see good above). These moments were a bit scary to say the least.

Last, the ugly….
I heard someone today complain about the sex of their baby. Seriously? And here is where I could go on a big rant… but instead I'm just going to say, "YOU SUCK!"   

Some jack hole spilled coffee on my tan colored pants at Starbucks this morning – he spilled his whole coffee on the floor while I was standing putting cream in mine. The really ugly part of this is I have 3 pairs of pants that currently fit, and now one is stained with coffee spots!

I am 34 weeks and I am sick (again) with a horrible cold.  I decided, I want my immune system back, thank you!  Last time I had a cold it spiked my blood pressure, so I'm thinking with an impending doctor appointment tomorrow, tonight might be a good night to pack my hospital bag - the number 1 task I keep putting off.

I wanted to thank all of you for your kind emails and comments after my last pregnancy update, about how overwhelmed I am.  While, I am still overwhelmed, I did cross a few things off my list, including installing the infant carseat in the back of my car.  Can I just say how incredibly strange it is to look back there and see not 1, but 2 carseats?  Its also probably one of the biggest leaps of faith of my life, because putting it in there means that somewhere deep down, I believe that I will at some point, be bringing this baby home to permanently join our family.  I wouldn't have done this at 19 weeks, 24 weeks, or even 28 weeks.  But, I was ready to make that leap this past weekend.

After tomorrow, I will only have 3 doctor's appointments until I hopefully deliver on the 16th!  Next week will be the last growth scan of the baby... grow baby girl, grow, grow, grow!

Shamefully I admit that I have so far gained 44 pounds!  YIKES!  How did that happen?  I am working on a post about concrete goals post-pregnancy, and how I intend to get back to my lifetime goal weight, even if I have a baby in the hospital, have extra stress, and despite anything else that comes my way.  I know it is not going to be easy, but I thought that laying it out there will help me be prepared.  I'm also very excited to buy and fit in fun clothes again.  As fall nears, I see these beautiful outfits, but can't buy anything!  At least it is easier on my wallet that way, right?

I have quite a bit of fear going into this week.  This was the week I got sick with my son and developed HELLP syndrome.  He was delivered at 34 weeks and 6 days.  I can't help, but think about that as I pass through this week.  From the moment I had a positive pregnancy test back in January, I couldn't help but be scared about getting HELLP again.  I thought I would dread it the whole pregnancy.  Well... then the Bubble Burst at my 19 week ultrasound, and it wasn't about me focusing on my health concerns anymore.  It was about all of the concerns with the baby.  While it has been a terrifying and horrible distraction from my own issues, it was a distraction none-the-less.  I have come full circle to focusing back on myself, and worrying a little about myself.  I admit it, I'm scared, and while the baby, as always, can use your extra thoughts and prayers, I could use a few in the coming weeks as well.

We have several events this week/weekend, so there was no need for lots of meals, meaning the meal plan is a little short this week.  I am trying one new recipe, passed to me by my friend Michelle and posted below.  I'll try to share a review of it later this week.  My garden tomato crop is coming on strong, so I'm trying to look for lots of recipes that use tomatoes!
Tomato Cheese Quiche
Steak Quesadillas
Chicken Salad Sandwiches for a picnic in the park - I make with mayo, celery, craisins, chicken, and seasonings.
Pasta with Tomato and Almond Pesto - recipe below.

Do you have a favorite tomato recipe?  If so, I'd love if you shared it with me!

PASTA WITH TOMATO AND ALMOND PESTOfrom Cook's Illustrated
Serves 4 to 6

1/4 cup slivered almonds
12 ounces cherry or grape tomatoes (about 2 1/2 cups)
1/2 cup packed fresh basil leaves
1 medium garlic clove , minced or pressed through garlic press (about 1 teaspoon)
1 small pepperoncini, stemmed, seeded, and minced (about 1/2 teaspoon)
Table salt
Pinch red pepper flakes (optional)
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 pound pasta , preferably linguine or spaghetti
1 ounce Parmesan cheese , grated (about 1/2 cup), plus extra for serving

1. Toast almonds in small skillet over medium heat, stirring frequently, until pale golden and fragrant, 2 to 4 minutes. Cool almonds to room temperature.

2. Process cooled almonds, tomatoes, basil, garlic, pepperoncini, 1 teaspoon salt, and red pepper flakes (if using) in food processor until smooth, about 1 minute. Scrape down sides of bowl with rubber spatula. With machine running, slowly drizzle in oil, about 30 seconds.

3. Meanwhile, bring 4 quarts water to boil in large pot. Add pasta and 1 tablespoon salt and cook until al dente. Reserve ½ cup cooking water; drain pasta and transfer back to cooking pot.

4. Add pesto and ½ cup Parmesan to cooked pasta, adjusting consistency with reserved pasta cooking water so that pesto coats pasta. 

First, I want to thank so many of you for sending me personal messages of prayers and encouragement this week.  Some familiar and some "lurkers".  I read and appreciate each note.  I save a lot of them, and in times I need it, I reread them.  They mean so much to me.

Secondly... my secret fan club (honestly didn't know I had one) must have been up to something recently, because one of my readers let me know earlier this week that I was nominated for Minnesota's most valuable blogger in the health/fitness/medical category! 
WOW!  I'm not going to beg for your vote or anything, but if you read my blog and you like it , then please consider voting for me.  You can actually vote once per day through September 9th!  I am among some great bloggers including Jen from Prior Fat Girl, which is just about as thrilling!

Anyways... I wanted to say thanks to whoever nominated me!

As I finish my 32nd week of pregnancy, and start into my 33rd, I can't help but think that it was only 2 weeks from this point that my son was born in my last pregnancy.  At the most I have 1 month left... at the least.... who knows... I'm trying to enjoy what is almost certainly going to be the last time I ever feel a pregnancy in my belly, but its hard - really hard.
Every single thing... even the really small stuff that should be of no concern to me, given what has happened so far, is building.  I declare I am officially stressed!  First, I got a collection notice in the mail from my doctor's office for $125 even though I've only received two $25 bills since they started my care, both of which I promptly went online and paid.  Then there was the notice from my county that my property taxes, which were due on May 1st, were never paid, yet my mortgage company took the money out of my escrow account.  Oh yeah, and there's the light over my desk at work rattles for the past three days, and with each rattle I feel like I'm losing a small part of whatever sanity I may or may not have had left. 

Then there is the baby prep... the crib is put together, and I actually washed some of the little clothes this week, but...
My bag is not packed...
There is no car seat in my car...
We have no diapers, and no wipes in the house...
The baby's room is pretty much a mess...
I can't find my Moby wrap...
My breast pump tubes were shot, and I need new ones...
I have no nursing bras...
My receiving blankets have gone missing...

I could go on and on.  But you get the idea.
All of this is slowly pushing me over the edge.  If you see a half-crazed woman around town... wave... it's me!

Then there was yesterday.  I actually had to put myself in a time out, in the dark, in my room, alone, so that I could try to remove the headache and some of the stress, as I neared a panic attack.  I think it must have started as I toured the NICU at the hospital yesterday.  I smelled "that smell"... you know... the one that smells of half nasty soap and half hand sanitizer.  Or maybe you don't because you've never had to experience your baby in the hospital.  Lucky you (I'm trying to say that without sounding snarky, but its not working is it?)  It's a smell that sends me, every single time... even now over 4 years later. 

Or... maybe it was meeting with neonatologist yesterday to try and have some understanding of what would happen at and after our daughter's birth.  Here was the doctor, looking at me with some sort of awe, and saying "wow... you've been on a real roller coaster."  And then... she started saying my baby's name... her real name, over and over again as she explained what would occur, how MRIs and echo cardiograms would be done, what type of recovery we could expect from a brain surgery.  It was sort of surreal hearing someone else use her name, like she is a real baby.  Yes... I have denial, would you expect anything less?

Or... maybe it was the traffic jam I got stuck in on the way home, while I knew "L" had his last swimming lesson very soon, and I moved about 1/2 a mile in 15-20 minutes.

I don't know what it was, but it caused me to curl up in a ball in the dark in my room by 6:30 last night, and just need the silence. 

So yeah... You could say I'm a little stressed at 33 weeks.  It definitely should make for a great blood pressure tomorrow!

One month from today at this time I'll be being prepped for surgery - my C-section.  Yes, after last week's appointment we officially have a date!  September 16th at 8:00 am appears to be this baby's birth date... ( please don't send out the news crew, OK?). 

Of course I got the "lecture" about best laid plans.  Um... tell me about it.  Who do you think you are talking to?  I know my doctor doesn't think I'll make it, but I am going to trust that I will.  I will be 37 weeks.  Yes, we are purposefully delivering this baby early, and please reserve your comments about how horrible that is for someone else.  Seems like this whole pregnancy is a nightmare, and the doctors (and me) would rather be dealing with this baby on the outside, as soon as it is safe to do so.  So, on Thursday, September 15th I will undergo an amnio. a procedure where a large GIANT needle is inserted in my belly, and if the baby's lungs are fully developed, I'll be OR bound the next morning at 8:00 to meet my little girl. 

I'm not sure if I'm happy, terrified, or both.  If I think about it too long, I feel like I need a Valium (or fifty).  I am so tired of living in this nightmare pregnancy.  I don't know.. is this the end, or just the beginning of the nightmare?  I don't think most people can even grasp what we've been told may lie in front of us.  There could be multiple surgeries and months of hospitalizations.  There could be years or even a lifetime of special needs for this baby.  Or... maybe not.  What a scary, and at the same time amazing mystery.  That God is so all-knowing that he can knit together a baby in a woman's womb, that even some of the best doctor's can't unravel the secrets of.  I've finally stopped wondering, and have just started waiting.  Waiting to find out what the verdict will be.  Waiting to find out what mystery baby has in store for our lives.

Will we have our verdict at birth?  Maybe not... they may never be able to tell us exactly what is "wrong" with our baby.  We may spend more years waiting and watching her every move to see what "might happen." If you know anything about me, you know I am not a patient person.  My family can stop laughing now.  In fact, I might very well be the polar opposite of patient.  I do know, though, that this has changed me.  I'm not saying poof... I'm suddenly a patient person, but right now I have made peace with the waiting. 

Every Thursday for the past several weeks as I drive to the doctor's office I hear this song on the radio.  I have stopped believing it is a coincidence, since now it has been 4 weeks in a row! 

There is a line that says:
Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak



For now I wait one more month... and try to believe the best I can that somehow my patience will all be worth it in the end.

This past weekend we went to our local county fair. I indulged in some of those once a year foods – Vanilla Malt anyone? Overall I don’t think I ate that much junk, and I don’t think I ate anything that was fried.


I have a bunch of tomatoes to use up from Costco, and also my cherry tomatoes are coming on with a vengeance. In about 1-2 days I will have my first 2 regular size tomatoes ripe. So… to celebrate we are having a lot of tomatoes on the menu this week.

Pizza – Pesto, Tomato, with fresh mozzarella, and Canadian bacon
Marinated Steaks w/Hash browns – marinade recipe below
Blueberry Pancakes – because Tuesday nights need to be quick for us
Spaghetti w/ Meat Sauce
BATs – Bacon, Avocado Tomato Sandwiches, and Pasta Salad
Tomato Quiche

My Family’s Famous (but not so secret at least anymore) Steak Marinade
1 cup ketchup
½ cup red wine – since I’m pregnant, I haven’t had wine in the house much (I know, very sad), so I use beef broth will excellent results, but the original recipe is for red wine
½ cup soy sauce
1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp garlic
Pepper
Couple of dashes of hot sauce

Mix all together and pour over meat and let sit overnight or at least 8 hours. Grill steaks as desired. I boil the excess marinade and serve alongside the steaks.

What are you planning to make this week?

I have arrived at 32 weeks.  I'm tired, my hips ache as they pull apart to allow more room for this little girl to grow...and I'm starting to waddle.  But you know what?  I will not change one minute of it.  I am not supposed to be here, and the fact that I am far outweighs any of this.

Yesterday after walking around the zoo in the afternoon, we had to hike up a hill to get back to our car.  My legs felt horrible!  I wasn't even sure I would make it at one point, my pelvis felt like it was pulling apart.  I hate the fact that these are the same legs that carried me while I ran 3.1 miles twice last summer and fall.  I even mentioned to my husband it is hard to believe I once could do that. 

I've noticed a definite change in my belly this week.  Tomorrow is our first growth scan in 3 weeks.  At the last one the baby was a little smaller (6-8 oz) than most baby's her gestational age.  I'm really hoping she is growing well, because if she isn't I'm really not sure why I keep getting bigger!

This afternoon was an appointment with a neurosurgeon.  I can tell you what we found out was certainly not shocking... he does not know if this is or isn't an encephalocele.  He has reviewed both my MRI and previous ultrasounds, and cannot say that he see's a positive connection between the "mass" and the brain.  Its possible, but they just don't know.  Tell me something I don't know, right?  He did tell us that he is leaning less towards it being an encephalocele because again (not new news to us) the brain structure appears normal on both the ultrasound and MRI.  The only thing that appears abnormal is the structure itself, and some excess fluid that is surrounding the skull at the point of it. 

We've been told that it is unlikely an exam of the baby will even reveal what its true identity is, and the baby would require an MRI after birth.  Oh goody!  The only person in our family that would not have an MRI within this past year then is my husband.  Did I mention I have good hospital coverage, and pay co pays for visits, but MRI I pay for at much higher rate?  Nope... oh well... I do.  Goodbye savings account... I liked you while you lasted.

Beyond that, I asked... "well... if it isn't an encephalocele, then what is it?"  I was told that would be outside his specialty... ah yes... appreciate the honesty but once again thanks for the visit for non-answers.

I know no one knows the truth.  I understand the limits of science, but I don't want to take another half day off work, pay gas, parking, and co pays, to have another doctor to tell me what they don't know.

Four years ago today I was scared.  I had just had major surgery and a baby and he was in the NICU.  I didn't know what his future would be and I was in a state of shock!  Today he is a happy, thriving little boy.  I am blessed beyond measure to be his "mama" (his words).  I'm not sure I would have made it through the last 3 months without him.  He is sometimes the lone smile in my day
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you…ever in the world.
So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain
That they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.
It sailed through the farmland
High on the breeze…
Over the ocean…
And through the trees…
Until everyone heard it
And everyone knew
Of the one and only ever you.
Not once had there been such eyes,
Such a nose,
Such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.
When the polar bears heard,
They danced until dawn.
From faraway places,
The geese flew home.
The moon stayed up until
Morning next day.
And none of the ladybugs flew away.
So whenever you doubt just how special you are
And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,
Listen for geese honking high in the sky.
(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)
Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.
(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)
Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.
(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)
If the moon stays up until morning one day,
Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,
Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,
It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…
For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
Has the world ever known a you, my friend,
And it never will, not ever again…
Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.

I am just so tired. 
I am just so sad.  I hope its hormonal or something.  Its the worst its been since the Bubble Burst.  I am so incredibly tired, I want to hibernate or something.  Its been nearly 3 months that I've been living with this supposedly doomed pregnancy.
I am tired of the doctors. 
I am tired of Thursdays.
I am sick and tired of the gooey ultrasound gel.
I am tired of dreading my blood pressure.
I am tired of watching my weight go up.
I am tired of watching the ultrasound screen and waiting for the words from the doctor.
I am tired of knowing what a good arterial measurement is, and what a normal volume of fluid is.
I am tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I am tired of being jealous of people with perfect pregnancies bringing home perfect babies.
I am tired of thinking about this.
I am tired of wondering what is going to happen.
I am tired of worrying about getting cut open.
I am tired of sleeping like crap.
I am tired of peeing so much.
I am tired of getting heartburn and wondering if its the beginning of HELLP.
I am tired of the doom and gloom
and... yet at the same time I am tired of people that act as if nothing is wrong.
I am tired of living in my own skin.
I am tired of not drinking wine and eating blue cheese.
I am so incredibly tired, and I don't think I'm going to feel relief any time soon.

P.S - I have nothing to report from the doctor's visit today.  Status Quo.  Blood pressure 131/81, up 1 pound this week.

Its August... I can hardly believe it!  The arrival of August both makes me amazed and fearful.  It means I'm over 30 weeks pregnant now, in a pregnancy at 19 weeks I was told would last "maybe a couple more weeks."  It means my dear "little" "L" turns 4 in only a week!  It is also the month that will see the 1 year anniversary of me hitting my Weight Watcher's goal weight - wish I could say I was still at goal, but I know I'm not supposed to be right now, so I have to be OK with that.  It's all of those things AND it is another month closer to us meeting our daughter (which I both anticipate with excitement and dread, but that is for another whole post).

Welcome August!

This past week was fairly uneventful in the pregnancy department.  I have been doing my kick counts religiously every night using this app, and to think 4 short years ago I was doing these with paper and pencil.  Its kind of fun to use the app!  I am religious about these, as almost exactly 4 years ago doing kick counts saved my son's life.  I was told he wouldn't probably have made it another 48 hours if I hadn't come in concerned about his lack of movement.  It was the start to what has been some major motherly instincts over the last 4 years.

Saturday my husband and I actually went out for a "date" thanks to my niece Katie, coming over to watch "L". 
What did we do?  Well... we went shopping... of course for the kids.  We bought "L" some jammies and little sister (you are all dying to know her name aren't you... I'm actually thinking of revealing it soon) some newborn clothes.  We got a giant bag of clothes at Carters for like $50!  I love Carters.  Yes, we are that lame.  We did go out for dinner too.  We went to Kona Grill.  It was delicious.  I had sea bass!  I, unfortunately, spent the majority of the day/early evening with a killer headache.  So much so that the last part of our date was to the drugstore for a blood pressure check.  No worries... my bp was definitely in a normal range, with the bottom number actually being quite low (60).

Sunday I spent time finally sorting clothes into keep and give away piles.  2 months ago I had 9 bins of boy clothes in my basement.  Today I have 1 bin in my car - off to Kids Carousel - a local resale shop - if you live in the Twin Cities area you HAVE to check this place out, and 0 in my basement.  I have a laundry basket full of tiny baby girl clothes just waiting to be washed, a cleaned up changing table, and swing ready ($20 garage sale score).  The crib front is leaning against the crib, just waiting to be attached.  I feel better about our progress in getting ready.  I was starting to get a little stressed about it all.  Once I have the room put together I'll share a picture in the coming weeks.

Other than that not much else to report.  I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow, and next Wednesday afternoon (8/10) we are meeting with the pediatric neurosurgeon at the children's hospital.  I hope he's ready for us, because I have LOTS of questions, and as my own doctor will tell you I am NOT an easy patient.

So... the big question is... Do you want to know our daughter's name?  Do you even think I should share it?

A couple weeks ago I shared with you Misconceptions - Part 1 about how it is often misquoted that "God won't give you more than you can handle."  In that post, I shared that there were actually 2 misconceptions that I hear over and over again.  Today I'd like to share my response to the second one.

"Everything will be OK."

It's a simple 4 words.  Its easy to say, isn't it?  I know I'm 100% guilty of saying this to people in the past too.  I know when I've used this before it is because I genuinely want to make someone feel better, feel a sense that there is hope.  But you know what?  Sometimes things aren't OK, and even more rarely is EVERYTHING OK.  Its much easier to live in a world where we believe everything will be OK, but the reality is:

People die.
Babies die.
Bad things happen to amazing people.
Horrible accident claims lives all too soon.
Innocent little children get horrible diseases.
People get, suffer, and then die from cancer.

These things are not OK.  For the people they happen to things are not OK.

In my world right now, it does not feel OK.  I know that people want to have hope.  I do too, but sometimes that is not reality.  Yesterday that was not my reality.  I walked in a fog through a humid, hazy day, and I was sad... really, really sad.  Some days are better, but there hasn't be a day I've been OK since May 12th.  Maybe that qualifies me for a fast track to Prozac, or maybe it just makes me human. 

This might never be OK.  Maybe we'll have an amazing, happy ending, but maybe not either.  Even if we do get a happy ending, I'm not sure things will ever be just "OK" again.  I will never be able to deny that my view of the world has changed.  I feel like I might forever live in a fog where continuous streams of bad things can happen.  How would I live in a world without this baby?  Alternatively, how would I live in a world where I get my miracle, but the next person over doesn't?  There are plenty of people that don't get their happy endings, and everything is not OK for them.  They just have to survive, as best they can.  And, I too will survive, but everything will never be OK.