Here I am ... halfway to my next goal of 28 weeks. I'm 26 weeks today!
And... it has been a rough week to say the least. Last Thursday night, I started coming down with a nasty cold. I'd had little touch of something all week, but this was when it started to get bad. My throat was super sore, and by Friday evening I couldn't get up off the couch! I spent all weekend lounging and sleeping either on the couch or in bed. I used an entire box of Kleenex on Saturday, and on Sunday the coughing started. By Monday, I'd pulled a muscle in my stomach from coughing. I was even starting to make a wheezing sound as my cough "sucked in". I knew come Monday morning, I needed to call my doctor. I don't remember a cold ever taking me out so much in my life. I guess I understand why pregnant people die from the flu now!
My doctor wanted to see me, so I trekked over there for a visit. The visits are NEVER short. I spent
1-1/2 hours there... mostly waiting. She felt I just had a virus. Listened to baby girl's heartbeat - 143 beats per minute and sounding fine, and took my blood pressure - I was unhappy with the result there, it was showing 128/85, which is definitely higher than I've been in this pregnancy. She felt that may just be the stress the cold was putting on my system. She did write me an Rx for cough medicine, and definitely suggested I should take some time out to rest. Rest and fluids was the only thing that was going to get me better. I was already staring down a more than busy week at work, but I'm proud to say I took some initiative to actually say I needed a time out to rest, and took a good portion of the day off on Tuesday. I am feeling like I am finally on the mend now, but I've been warned it could be slow.
Tomorrow we have our standard every 2 weeks check up. We will have a full ultrasound this time, which will include checking on the baby's growth. I am nervous as usual, but especially nervous for this growth check. We are still hoping and praying that she is doing better or at least the same, and we can have a little more relief to make it to 28 weeks. I also am really hoping that my blood pressure will be down from Monday - as it is much too early for me to start down that road here at only 26 weeks.
July 5th - next Tuesday - I will be going in for a fetal MRI and another echocardiogram.
So... lots of upcoming appointments and tests to clear a few more hurdles. All providing more information on our baby's prognosis and giving doctors the information they may need to help her once she is born. Lots of anxiety where we are hoping to find small moments of peace.
Speaking of anxiety... the bills finally started coming in the mail this past week. While we are extremely blessed to have really good health insurance, I've been informed that my prenatal care will not be covered 100% by my plan, because they only cover "routine" prenatal care at that rate. And they think I'm not routine...
I'll leave you this week with a picture of how chaos can actually promote peace. Thanks to some great friends and family both buying and sharing previously loved little baby girl clothes. I laid everything we had out on Sunday and this is what resulted... I called this - PINK EXPLOSION!
And... it has been a rough week to say the least. Last Thursday night, I started coming down with a nasty cold. I'd had little touch of something all week, but this was when it started to get bad. My throat was super sore, and by Friday evening I couldn't get up off the couch! I spent all weekend lounging and sleeping either on the couch or in bed. I used an entire box of Kleenex on Saturday, and on Sunday the coughing started. By Monday, I'd pulled a muscle in my stomach from coughing. I was even starting to make a wheezing sound as my cough "sucked in". I knew come Monday morning, I needed to call my doctor. I don't remember a cold ever taking me out so much in my life. I guess I understand why pregnant people die from the flu now!
My doctor wanted to see me, so I trekked over there for a visit. The visits are NEVER short. I spent
1-1/2 hours there... mostly waiting. She felt I just had a virus. Listened to baby girl's heartbeat - 143 beats per minute and sounding fine, and took my blood pressure - I was unhappy with the result there, it was showing 128/85, which is definitely higher than I've been in this pregnancy. She felt that may just be the stress the cold was putting on my system. She did write me an Rx for cough medicine, and definitely suggested I should take some time out to rest. Rest and fluids was the only thing that was going to get me better. I was already staring down a more than busy week at work, but I'm proud to say I took some initiative to actually say I needed a time out to rest, and took a good portion of the day off on Tuesday. I am feeling like I am finally on the mend now, but I've been warned it could be slow.
Tomorrow we have our standard every 2 weeks check up. We will have a full ultrasound this time, which will include checking on the baby's growth. I am nervous as usual, but especially nervous for this growth check. We are still hoping and praying that she is doing better or at least the same, and we can have a little more relief to make it to 28 weeks. I also am really hoping that my blood pressure will be down from Monday - as it is much too early for me to start down that road here at only 26 weeks.
July 5th - next Tuesday - I will be going in for a fetal MRI and another echocardiogram.
So... lots of upcoming appointments and tests to clear a few more hurdles. All providing more information on our baby's prognosis and giving doctors the information they may need to help her once she is born. Lots of anxiety where we are hoping to find small moments of peace.
Speaking of anxiety... the bills finally started coming in the mail this past week. While we are extremely blessed to have really good health insurance, I've been informed that my prenatal care will not be covered 100% by my plan, because they only cover "routine" prenatal care at that rate. And they think I'm not routine...
I'll leave you this week with a picture of how chaos can actually promote peace. Thanks to some great friends and family both buying and sharing previously loved little baby girl clothes. I laid everything we had out on Sunday and this is what resulted... I called this - PINK EXPLOSION!
This morning I was doing some googling and found this:"About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages."
(source)
And...I sit here amazed to be at 25-1/2 weeks, to feel my baby kicking. I hate odds! They have not been my friend, but I am beyond grateful at this moment. Getting to the point where I can write those words has not been easy - a journey of anger, tears, questioning, pleading - and maybe I won't even feel this way tomorrow, but I do right now.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
-- Psalm 139:13-14
My sister shared this with me last week, and it is so powerful I just wanted to share it with you. God knows our baby's name. He knows her future, and I just can't help but think at this moment that a baby with only a 1% chance of making it - and yet is still here with us - must have a very special purpose in life, whatever the course of that takes.
(source)
And...I sit here amazed to be at 25-1/2 weeks, to feel my baby kicking. I hate odds! They have not been my friend, but I am beyond grateful at this moment. Getting to the point where I can write those words has not been easy - a journey of anger, tears, questioning, pleading - and maybe I won't even feel this way tomorrow, but I do right now.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
-- Psalm 139:13-14
My sister shared this with me last week, and it is so powerful I just wanted to share it with you. God knows our baby's name. He knows her future, and I just can't help but think at this moment that a baby with only a 1% chance of making it - and yet is still here with us - must have a very special purpose in life, whatever the course of that takes.
For once I didn't fail a test... Let me repeat that I DID NOT fail a test.
So adding to this list of 50 things losing weight has given me:
#51: NO Gestational Diabetes this time!
Yep... you read it right, at over 100 pounds lighter than my last pregnancy, I passed - with flying colors according to my doctor - the 3 hour gestational diabetes test yesterday! With all the doom and gloom around this pregnancy having just this one thing in my back pocket really feels better than even I thought it would.
Studies show that having a BMI over 30 pre-pregnancy, increases your risk of gestational diabetes, and once you've had gestational diabetes your risk of getting type 2 diabetes within 5-10 years is 50-75% at the over 30 BMI, but only 25% at a normal BMI. (source) I've never been one to believe in statistics and odds... because I've hit a .2% of something happening twice now within 4 years... but odds you can actually control with a healthy lifestyle - I'll take those!
The hygroma... the possible Turner or Down's syndrome... the heart defect... the grim statistics... those are with the baby - those were out of my control from the beginning. Just typing that statement has been a long road towards me accepting that very statement. But this - this is the one thing I did have control over, and when I failed the 1 hour test last week I was pretty devastated. It was lucky I actually made that post of the 50 things earlier that day, or else I'm pretty sure I would have never posted it. I felt like every pound, every small victory was suddently erased and meant nothing. But now... that has all been redeemed! I do NOT have gestational diabetes! No poking my finger 4 times a day... no extra worries for the stress it takes on the baby... and honestly best of all a reduced risk of preeclampsia! 3 cheers for all of those things, especially when I've so desperately needed a win in this pregnancy!
So adding to this list of 50 things losing weight has given me:
#51: NO Gestational Diabetes this time!
Yep... you read it right, at over 100 pounds lighter than my last pregnancy, I passed - with flying colors according to my doctor - the 3 hour gestational diabetes test yesterday! With all the doom and gloom around this pregnancy having just this one thing in my back pocket really feels better than even I thought it would.
Studies show that having a BMI over 30 pre-pregnancy, increases your risk of gestational diabetes, and once you've had gestational diabetes your risk of getting type 2 diabetes within 5-10 years is 50-75% at the over 30 BMI, but only 25% at a normal BMI. (source) I've never been one to believe in statistics and odds... because I've hit a .2% of something happening twice now within 4 years... but odds you can actually control with a healthy lifestyle - I'll take those!
The hygroma... the possible Turner or Down's syndrome... the heart defect... the grim statistics... those are with the baby - those were out of my control from the beginning. Just typing that statement has been a long road towards me accepting that very statement. But this - this is the one thing I did have control over, and when I failed the 1 hour test last week I was pretty devastated. It was lucky I actually made that post of the 50 things earlier that day, or else I'm pretty sure I would have never posted it. I felt like every pound, every small victory was suddently erased and meant nothing. But now... that has all been redeemed! I do NOT have gestational diabetes! No poking my finger 4 times a day... no extra worries for the stress it takes on the baby... and honestly best of all a reduced risk of preeclampsia! 3 cheers for all of those things, especially when I've so desperately needed a win in this pregnancy!
Another week... as of today I'm 25 weeks... 3 more weeks to my next goal of making it to 28 weeks.
Like I said in this post - things are pretty much staying the same right now - and for now I'm really OK with that. My big thing of the last week was FAILING the 1 hour glucose test for gestational diabetes. I did have gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with "L", and my understanding is that once you've had it in a pregnancy there is about a 90% chance of getting it in subsequent pregnancies. This morning, I'll be fasting and spending the first 3 hours of my morning in the hospital lab drinking my special drink (I getting quite accustomed to the deliciousness that is the glucose drink) and getting blood taken 4 times! I bruise easily when I have blood taken so I figure I should look totally beat up by the time I get out of there tomorrow. Going the whole morning without eating anything - until probably 11 am - is also not my idea of a good time. You think... it is no big deal, but that is because you are probably not pregnant right now. Food is important - it keeps away the sickies and the headaches. I am not holding out any hope that I will actually pass the 3 hour test. I guess the most I can say is SURPRISE ME (for once)!
This past weekend I spent quite a bit of time purging boy clothes . Pregnancy is too difficult for me, and I'm not planning on doing this again. Since I'm having a girl, then I have no need for boy clothes, and it felt good to clear up some shelves in the basement. I was able to give a friend some for her new little guy, and I took the rest to a local kids store where I netted negative 50 cents because I bought some really cute girl stuff - squee!! The rest is going to charity, and I have lots of empty bins just waiting to filled with precious little girl clothes.
I think I'm finally starting to look pregnant vs. fat. I'm about 18 pounds above my goal weight and have gained around 26 pounds total since getting pregnant. I have gained most of my weight so far in the butt and hips. I don't pop out, but I do get wider.
I could use a huge favor. I need meal and snack ideas for gestational diabetes. I have to stick to fairly low carb - especially with breakfast - as hormones are highest in the morning during pregnancy. I believe I can have 1-2 servings of carbs at breakfast (15-30 grams) and 1 carb per snack - which always has to be mixed with a protein, and lunches and dinners can be 2-3 carbs (30-45 grams). I'm not much of a low carb person, so this gets tough for me. If you have ideas, or know of any great websites to visit, please leave me a comment. Thanks!
Another week... like the little engine that could I'm chugging my way on to 26 weeks.
Like I said in this post - things are pretty much staying the same right now - and for now I'm really OK with that. My big thing of the last week was FAILING the 1 hour glucose test for gestational diabetes. I did have gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with "L", and my understanding is that once you've had it in a pregnancy there is about a 90% chance of getting it in subsequent pregnancies. This morning, I'll be fasting and spending the first 3 hours of my morning in the hospital lab drinking my special drink (I getting quite accustomed to the deliciousness that is the glucose drink) and getting blood taken 4 times! I bruise easily when I have blood taken so I figure I should look totally beat up by the time I get out of there tomorrow. Going the whole morning without eating anything - until probably 11 am - is also not my idea of a good time. You think... it is no big deal, but that is because you are probably not pregnant right now. Food is important - it keeps away the sickies and the headaches. I am not holding out any hope that I will actually pass the 3 hour test. I guess the most I can say is SURPRISE ME (for once)!
This past weekend I spent quite a bit of time purging boy clothes . Pregnancy is too difficult for me, and I'm not planning on doing this again. Since I'm having a girl, then I have no need for boy clothes, and it felt good to clear up some shelves in the basement. I was able to give a friend some for her new little guy, and I took the rest to a local kids store where I netted negative 50 cents because I bought some really cute girl stuff - squee!! The rest is going to charity, and I have lots of empty bins just waiting to filled with precious little girl clothes.
I think I'm finally starting to look pregnant vs. fat. I'm about 18 pounds above my goal weight and have gained around 26 pounds total since getting pregnant. I have gained most of my weight so far in the butt and hips. I don't pop out, but I do get wider.
I could use a huge favor. I need meal and snack ideas for gestational diabetes. I have to stick to fairly low carb - especially with breakfast - as hormones are highest in the morning during pregnancy. I believe I can have 1-2 servings of carbs at breakfast (15-30 grams) and 1 carb per snack - which always has to be mixed with a protein, and lunches and dinners can be 2-3 carbs (30-45 grams). I'm not much of a low carb person, so this gets tough for me. If you have ideas, or know of any great websites to visit, please leave me a comment. Thanks!
Another week... like the little engine that could I'm chugging my way on to 26 weeks.
Yesterday I had what is called a limited ultrasound. It checks on the well being of the baby, but does not check growth. I saw the same ultrasound tech that did my first scan at 19 weeks. I think she was shocked at the well being of the baby despite the circumstances.
When Dr. P came to talk to us initially she had a funny look on her face… and of course my thoughts went to “oh no!”, but instead she sat down and said, “Well... today, everything looks ok.” Five weeks ago those words would have scared me, but now I know those words are good words. When your baby has issues you stop hearing the “the baby is healthy, everything looks good, etc.” type of responses. But when you get “OK” you are happy. Again… I could breathe easily – for a few hours at least.
There is no additional excess fluid, just the little around the heart that has been staying about the same. The heart and kidneys are healthy – except for of course the VSD defect. The cystic hygroma size is unchanged – not bigger, not really smaller. Amniotic fluid and placenta look great! The baby has no signs of anemia. The cord blood flow is actually better than at 19 weeks. It is now normal. When we met with her at 19 weeks she told us that the flow was: fast, stop, fast, stop. A normal flow should be fast, slow, fast, slow, and a really bad scenario is where it is fast, reverse, fast, reverse. This is a positive sign.
She literally told me the first time I saw you I thought things would go downhill – and gestured with her hand in a downward motion, but instead they are just staying like this – and she gestured her hand straight across. Small victories, Small smiles and a bit of relief!
We are still aware that babies with the type of issues our baby seems to have can reverse course… can pull fast ones on doctors still. So I will say we are feeling tentatively positive for now, especially since we’ve reached the magic 24 week mark. There are still no guarantees.
So where do we go from here? Well… new plans for a baby that will certainly need some “help” once outside the womb, but those plans coming from our doctor indicate plans being made for a LIVE baby. A little one that certainly exerts her presence to me on the ingestion of any ice cream, but has finally exerted her stubborn persistence to the doctors as well. So…on July 5th, I will undergo a 60-80 minute MRI, which will actually be on the baby - but since I'm the vessel I'm the lucky person that gets put in the machine! This is to assess the full structure and complexity of the cystic hygroma, and to give the doctors the information needed to remove it from the baby when/if the time comes. We are told it is very unlikely that a hygroma this large will go away at this point, so the planning has begun. It will likely require a series of surgeries as it can sometimes be complicated to remove – depending on how integrated it is with the vascular structure. The MRI will give the doctors the pictures they need to assess this. Sometime after the MRI we will meet with a pediatric surgeon to discuss our options and the course things may take with the surgeries. Also, at birth, they will be able to take a sample of the cord blood to test for any chromosomal abnormalities the baby may have.
Talking about these surgeries and tests… while exciting also reminds us that there is a VERY long road ahead whatever the course this takes. As I have been thinking of this, I know this isn’t a “do it and get it over with” thing. This is very likely going to consume me over the next several years. I hope and pray I have the strength it takes, for all of the surgeries and doctor appointments, for the waiting and the wondering. I’m wondering how I will care for my first born little “L” during this time as he deserves the best of me too. It has me worried about money and work and daycare and all sorts of things that if I think too much about will pretty much drive me crazy.
I also took the gestational diabetes test yesterday and I failed. I sometimes wonder how much more I will have to take. I wonder why I can’t even get one break. I wonder why losing 115 pounds doesn’t seem to have mattered. Good thing I posted this in the morning yesterday, since I certainly felt like a complete failure yesterday afternoon. So now, I have to do the longer test on Wednesday. I will be shocked if I pass. With “L” I was able to control my gestational diabetes with diet alone and didn't require insulin, only 4 times daily blood sugar checks. I guess I should not be surprised I have it, as it repeats in around 90% of pregnancies once you've had it.
My blood pressure and other tests – platelets/hemoglobin - were all good and normal!
My next appointment is in 2 weeks on 6/30
I cannot thank you enough for all of your positive thoughts and prayers and lovely notes of encouragement. Yesterday I felt an amazing sense of calmness and I know it was everyone lifting us up!
When Dr. P came to talk to us initially she had a funny look on her face… and of course my thoughts went to “oh no!”, but instead she sat down and said, “Well... today, everything looks ok.” Five weeks ago those words would have scared me, but now I know those words are good words. When your baby has issues you stop hearing the “the baby is healthy, everything looks good, etc.” type of responses. But when you get “OK” you are happy. Again… I could breathe easily – for a few hours at least.
There is no additional excess fluid, just the little around the heart that has been staying about the same. The heart and kidneys are healthy – except for of course the VSD defect. The cystic hygroma size is unchanged – not bigger, not really smaller. Amniotic fluid and placenta look great! The baby has no signs of anemia. The cord blood flow is actually better than at 19 weeks. It is now normal. When we met with her at 19 weeks she told us that the flow was: fast, stop, fast, stop. A normal flow should be fast, slow, fast, slow, and a really bad scenario is where it is fast, reverse, fast, reverse. This is a positive sign.
She literally told me the first time I saw you I thought things would go downhill – and gestured with her hand in a downward motion, but instead they are just staying like this – and she gestured her hand straight across. Small victories, Small smiles and a bit of relief!
We are still aware that babies with the type of issues our baby seems to have can reverse course… can pull fast ones on doctors still. So I will say we are feeling tentatively positive for now, especially since we’ve reached the magic 24 week mark. There are still no guarantees.
So where do we go from here? Well… new plans for a baby that will certainly need some “help” once outside the womb, but those plans coming from our doctor indicate plans being made for a LIVE baby. A little one that certainly exerts her presence to me on the ingestion of any ice cream, but has finally exerted her stubborn persistence to the doctors as well. So…on July 5th, I will undergo a 60-80 minute MRI, which will actually be on the baby - but since I'm the vessel I'm the lucky person that gets put in the machine! This is to assess the full structure and complexity of the cystic hygroma, and to give the doctors the information needed to remove it from the baby when/if the time comes. We are told it is very unlikely that a hygroma this large will go away at this point, so the planning has begun. It will likely require a series of surgeries as it can sometimes be complicated to remove – depending on how integrated it is with the vascular structure. The MRI will give the doctors the pictures they need to assess this. Sometime after the MRI we will meet with a pediatric surgeon to discuss our options and the course things may take with the surgeries. Also, at birth, they will be able to take a sample of the cord blood to test for any chromosomal abnormalities the baby may have.
Talking about these surgeries and tests… while exciting also reminds us that there is a VERY long road ahead whatever the course this takes. As I have been thinking of this, I know this isn’t a “do it and get it over with” thing. This is very likely going to consume me over the next several years. I hope and pray I have the strength it takes, for all of the surgeries and doctor appointments, for the waiting and the wondering. I’m wondering how I will care for my first born little “L” during this time as he deserves the best of me too. It has me worried about money and work and daycare and all sorts of things that if I think too much about will pretty much drive me crazy.
I also took the gestational diabetes test yesterday and I failed. I sometimes wonder how much more I will have to take. I wonder why I can’t even get one break. I wonder why losing 115 pounds doesn’t seem to have mattered. Good thing I posted this in the morning yesterday, since I certainly felt like a complete failure yesterday afternoon. So now, I have to do the longer test on Wednesday. I will be shocked if I pass. With “L” I was able to control my gestational diabetes with diet alone and didn't require insulin, only 4 times daily blood sugar checks. I guess I should not be surprised I have it, as it repeats in around 90% of pregnancies once you've had it.
My blood pressure and other tests – platelets/hemoglobin - were all good and normal!
My next appointment is in 2 weeks on 6/30
I cannot thank you enough for all of your positive thoughts and prayers and lovely notes of encouragement. Yesterday I felt an amazing sense of calmness and I know it was everyone lifting us up!
A few weeks ago a sweet lady from one of the Weight Watchers meeting I have attended in the past wrote me an email. She knew I was a bit down on myself, because I lost this weight in order to get pregnant, and now I feel like it didn't even matter - I'm still stuck in the nightmare pregnancy - regardless of the 115 pounds that were shed from my body. Some days I feel like my body is such a failure, and it really hurts.
She suggested I make a list of 100 positive things that have come out of losing weight, so that I could see that there are tons of other things other than this pregnancy to focus on. I'm having a horribly hard time getting to 100... so without further delay I've decided to share the list of my first 50.
Have you lost weight? Then this would be a great idea for you too! Make your list and comment with it here, or post it on your blog and share a link so I (and anyone else) can read it.
1. Set a positive example for my son
2. Don’t have to worry anymore about being the “fattest mom”
3. Don’t have to worry about my son being ashamed of me for my weight
4. If the 3 year old runs away from me, I can CATCH him!
5. A little one that adores a walk or playing outside more than watching TV... most times!
6. I’ll be around longer to love my family
7. I’m a cuter wife
8. I’ve been hit on WOO HOO!
9. Probably because my wedding ring is way too big
10. So is my watch
11. No more Lane Bryant!
12. Clothes are smaller, so take up less space in closet and suitcase
13. No longer worried about being the embarrassing mom
14. Obesity erased from my medical record
15. Don’t need the extra-large blood pressure cuff
16. Less joint pain
17. No plantar fasciitis
18. Less back pain
19. Low blood pressure
20. Lower blood sugars
21. I’m ovulating
22. Don’t need the extra large gowns at the Dr or hospital
23. Way less colds and flu
24. Weight actually matches driver’s license! OK… maybe not right now, but it did before I got pregnant.
25. I know what is to try hard at something and win
26. I know the amazing feeling to run across a finish line of a race (and have it mean something).
27. I have made some new amazing friends
28. Not scared of public transit
29. Not scared of fitting in airplane seats
30. Not scared of telling someone my weight
31. Spend less money eating out, because we eat healthier and at home now
32. Was featured in the Star Tribune!
33. Happier… most of the time.
34. Don’t feel like people are always staring at me and disgusted by me
35. Can share fun clothes with sisters and friends
36. Much much easier to walk in heels
37. Son has a lower chance of being overweight
38. Husband also lost weight
39, No more granny panties
40. A bungee jumping cord could hold me... if I was so inclined
41. Fresh fruits and veggies are amazing and make my skin clearer
42. I've been told many times I look way younger now.
43. No more looking at picture of myself and feeling disgusting!
44. People I don't even know look at me for inspiration... still strange to me.
45. I can go back to Weight Watchers after pregnancy for free for 12 weeks!
46. Walking up a flight of stairs doesn't leave me sweaty and winded.
47. I have learned to be more assertive to take care of me and my health.
48. Feel more comfortable in skirts and dresses
49. Don't have to buy bras mail-order
50. Losing weight has given me strategies, strength, and stamina to deal with other issues in life!
Now its your turn.
She suggested I make a list of 100 positive things that have come out of losing weight, so that I could see that there are tons of other things other than this pregnancy to focus on. I'm having a horribly hard time getting to 100... so without further delay I've decided to share the list of my first 50.
Have you lost weight? Then this would be a great idea for you too! Make your list and comment with it here, or post it on your blog and share a link so I (and anyone else) can read it.
1. Set a positive example for my son
2. Don’t have to worry anymore about being the “fattest mom”
3. Don’t have to worry about my son being ashamed of me for my weight
4. If the 3 year old runs away from me, I can CATCH him!
5. A little one that adores a walk or playing outside more than watching TV... most times!
6. I’ll be around longer to love my family
7. I’m a cuter wife
8. I’ve been hit on WOO HOO!
9. Probably because my wedding ring is way too big
10. So is my watch
11. No more Lane Bryant!
12. Clothes are smaller, so take up less space in closet and suitcase
13. No longer worried about being the embarrassing mom
14. Obesity erased from my medical record
15. Don’t need the extra-large blood pressure cuff
16. Less joint pain
17. No plantar fasciitis
18. Less back pain
19. Low blood pressure
20. Lower blood sugars
21. I’m ovulating
22. Don’t need the extra large gowns at the Dr or hospital
23. Way less colds and flu
24. Weight actually matches driver’s license! OK… maybe not right now, but it did before I got pregnant.
25. I know what is to try hard at something and win
26. I know the amazing feeling to run across a finish line of a race (and have it mean something).
27. I have made some new amazing friends
28. Not scared of public transit
29. Not scared of fitting in airplane seats
30. Not scared of telling someone my weight
31. Spend less money eating out, because we eat healthier and at home now
32. Was featured in the Star Tribune!
33. Happier… most of the time.
34. Don’t feel like people are always staring at me and disgusted by me
35. Can share fun clothes with sisters and friends
36. Much much easier to walk in heels
37. Son has a lower chance of being overweight
38. Husband also lost weight
39, No more granny panties
40. A bungee jumping cord could hold me... if I was so inclined
41. Fresh fruits and veggies are amazing and make my skin clearer
42. I've been told many times I look way younger now.
43. No more looking at picture of myself and feeling disgusting!
44. People I don't even know look at me for inspiration... still strange to me.
45. I can go back to Weight Watchers after pregnancy for free for 12 weeks!
46. Walking up a flight of stairs doesn't leave me sweaty and winded.
47. I have learned to be more assertive to take care of me and my health.
48. Feel more comfortable in skirts and dresses
49. Don't have to buy bras mail-order
50. Losing weight has given me strategies, strength, and stamina to deal with other issues in life!
Now its your turn.
24 weeks today!
That was my first goal when we found out about everything 5 weeks ago. Make it first to 24 weeks. Why is 24 weeks significant? Well… in Minnesota it is considered the gestational age of viability. It’s the gestation where if the baby was born, they could legally be “saved”. Doesn’t mean I want a baby at 24 weeks… only 50% of babies without any other health conditions (which is not us) will survive at 24 weeks. But… it is a goal. A stop on the road to my next goal, which is 28 weeks – at 28 weeks 95% of babies survive. I like goals… its how I lost 115 pounds. Break things into small, seemingly attainable goals. You know, as I go through more and more in life it amazing how many things relate back to strategies I learned during my weight loss process.
I had a bit of a panic moment last night… I ended work and came home and noticed some swelling in my feet/ankles. Because of my history of pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, I won’t lie, it had me freaked out. I had some decent heels on all day, and realized that maybe it is time to stop wearing the cute shoes and get myself some decent flats. A girl has to have an excuse to buy new shoes, right? After taking off the heels and resting for awhile, the feet have returned to normal… whew!
Tomorrow I have another ultrasound, appointment with the specialist, new OB appointment (as I am officially transferring over to my new doctor – let’s call her Dr. P right now), and my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. I will likely feel like I need one of those air sickness bags as I did last time. We are still hoping and praying for healing for our baby, and we know we are not alone. Again, my hope is that things are not worse, but deep down I long to hear that thing are actually better. Please say a special prayer for us tomorrow as we deal with all of these appointments, and find out “more news”.
Finally – I broke down and bought this at the latest Gymboree sale:
Progress? Maybe…
That was my first goal when we found out about everything 5 weeks ago. Make it first to 24 weeks. Why is 24 weeks significant? Well… in Minnesota it is considered the gestational age of viability. It’s the gestation where if the baby was born, they could legally be “saved”. Doesn’t mean I want a baby at 24 weeks… only 50% of babies without any other health conditions (which is not us) will survive at 24 weeks. But… it is a goal. A stop on the road to my next goal, which is 28 weeks – at 28 weeks 95% of babies survive. I like goals… its how I lost 115 pounds. Break things into small, seemingly attainable goals. You know, as I go through more and more in life it amazing how many things relate back to strategies I learned during my weight loss process.
I had a bit of a panic moment last night… I ended work and came home and noticed some swelling in my feet/ankles. Because of my history of pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, I won’t lie, it had me freaked out. I had some decent heels on all day, and realized that maybe it is time to stop wearing the cute shoes and get myself some decent flats. A girl has to have an excuse to buy new shoes, right? After taking off the heels and resting for awhile, the feet have returned to normal… whew!
Tomorrow I have another ultrasound, appointment with the specialist, new OB appointment (as I am officially transferring over to my new doctor – let’s call her Dr. P right now), and my 1 hour glucose tolerance test. I will likely feel like I need one of those air sickness bags as I did last time. We are still hoping and praying for healing for our baby, and we know we are not alone. Again, my hope is that things are not worse, but deep down I long to hear that thing are actually better. Please say a special prayer for us tomorrow as we deal with all of these appointments, and find out “more news”.
Finally – I broke down and bought this at the latest Gymboree sale:
Lots of easy throw-together meal ideas for this week. Now on Tuesday's "L" has swimming lessons for the rest of the summer, so that means we won't get home until around 6 pm - making for a hungry, tired boy and a short evening.
Pioneer Woman's Chicken Spaghetti - I cut the recipe in half and it is still huge for the 3 of us!
Pulled Pork Tacos (I buy the Pulled Pork in refrigerated section of Costco), Homemade Pico de Gallo (recipe below)
Bacon, Avocado, and Tomato Sandwiches, Sun Chips - Yes I have an aversion to lettuce right now, so we use avocado instead! YUM!
Penne Pasta with Pesto, Tomatoes, and Fresh Mozzarella - Pesto right now is from Costco, but hoping to have enough basil in a couple of weeks to make our own! Quick, healthy and delicious!
Marinaded Pork Chops in Lawry's Hawaiian Marinade on the grill, Caprese Pasta Salad, and Corn
Homemade Pico de Gallo
Chop up a bunch of tomatoes, onions, and cilantro... add a jalapeno (to your taste), add in salt to your taste and let sit on the counter for about an hour to mix all the flavors together. Eat on anything (even cardboard) and I swear it will taste delicious!
What are you having for dinner this week?
Pioneer Woman's Chicken Spaghetti - I cut the recipe in half and it is still huge for the 3 of us!
Pulled Pork Tacos (I buy the Pulled Pork in refrigerated section of Costco), Homemade Pico de Gallo (recipe below)
Bacon, Avocado, and Tomato Sandwiches, Sun Chips - Yes I have an aversion to lettuce right now, so we use avocado instead! YUM!
Penne Pasta with Pesto, Tomatoes, and Fresh Mozzarella - Pesto right now is from Costco, but hoping to have enough basil in a couple of weeks to make our own! Quick, healthy and delicious!
Marinaded Pork Chops in Lawry's Hawaiian Marinade on the grill, Caprese Pasta Salad, and Corn
Homemade Pico de Gallo
Chop up a bunch of tomatoes, onions, and cilantro... add a jalapeno (to your taste), add in salt to your taste and let sit on the counter for about an hour to mix all the flavors together. Eat on anything (even cardboard) and I swear it will taste delicious!
What are you having for dinner this week?
Outside today the weather is deceiving. You look and its sunny, but I ventured outside to see how my little veggie garden was doing this morning and it was really chilly - like need a Columbia fleece on chilly.
Sometimes I feel like my weight loss journey is that way lately. I'm supposed to be a role model... I guess. It's probably why you are reading this right now. You want to be inspired by my 115 pound weight loss, so that you too, can lose weight. It is probably no surprise I feel less than inspiring right now. Maybe it is pregnancy hormones, maybe it is the uncertainty that each day brings around here in the last 4 weeks. I'm not sure.
The one thing I do know is that I feel like I'm back to my old habits - soothing my hurts with food. There, I admitted it. I have been eating whatever I want lately, and since my nausea is 90% gone, its not just because I can't stomach healthy things anymore. Its because it makes me feel better. Its because the rest of life really just sucks so much right now, but good food is always good. You know what I mean, right?
I've always found good food comforting, but especially now, in the midst of probably the darkest time in my life, I am finding it especially comforting. To the point where I am scared:
Scared that I won't be able to control this.
Scared that I'll gain all my weight back.
Scared that I'll wake up one morning and be back to 281 pounds!
Scared that I'll never ever be able to lose my pregnancy weight.
So I eat another donut or muffin, or take a few Red Vines licorice from the bag, have a giant bowl of ice cream, or maybe a handful of chips (pass the dip please), allow myself the fries with lunch instead of choosing fruit. Temporarily, it makes the scariness of those things, the frightening reality of this pregnancy and of my family's future, and the hurt, depression, and pain go away. Sure... it only lasts as long as the bowl of ice cream or to the end of the licorice twist, but it is momentary relief - sweet relief (sometimes literally) - enough to get me through to the next day.
I want so bad to be in control.
I AM NOT.
I've gained 24 pounds in 23-1/2 weeks of pregnancy! I feel uninspiring, full of self-loathing, and FAT!
I want to say, NO MORE EXCUSES! I will start to control myself, eat healthier, and throw away the licorice today. That is what I have been about for the past 2 years. That is the very reason why I lost this weight. But, I know if I say that, I'll just be lying... to you... to myself. I don't have any answers right now, and even while I feel this needs to be addressed, I really don't have the strength for any more big battles right now.
1 year ago today I ran my first 5k ever - after only 7 weeks of training. It was an amazing morning, shared with amazing people! This morning, I am missing that feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, and of control in my life. I am missing last year and the amazing things that happened in it. I am wanting so bad to go back, to skip this time in my life, and relive 2010 instead. I hope sometime soon to be tapped on the shoulder and woken up from what seems like an awful nightmare, but each day passes, and that never comes.
As the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Mandisa says:
There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
(Mandisa - He is with you)
So... this is certainly a different season in my life - the rules have changed - and sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my way around in the dark. There was a time to run, and now this is a time to face it. I know finding comfort in food won't change things. I guess for now just knowing is enough.
Sometimes I feel like my weight loss journey is that way lately. I'm supposed to be a role model... I guess. It's probably why you are reading this right now. You want to be inspired by my 115 pound weight loss, so that you too, can lose weight. It is probably no surprise I feel less than inspiring right now. Maybe it is pregnancy hormones, maybe it is the uncertainty that each day brings around here in the last 4 weeks. I'm not sure.
The one thing I do know is that I feel like I'm back to my old habits - soothing my hurts with food. There, I admitted it. I have been eating whatever I want lately, and since my nausea is 90% gone, its not just because I can't stomach healthy things anymore. Its because it makes me feel better. Its because the rest of life really just sucks so much right now, but good food is always good. You know what I mean, right?
I've always found good food comforting, but especially now, in the midst of probably the darkest time in my life, I am finding it especially comforting. To the point where I am scared:
Scared that I won't be able to control this.
Scared that I'll gain all my weight back.
Scared that I'll wake up one morning and be back to 281 pounds!
Scared that I'll never ever be able to lose my pregnancy weight.
So I eat another donut or muffin, or take a few Red Vines licorice from the bag, have a giant bowl of ice cream, or maybe a handful of chips (pass the dip please), allow myself the fries with lunch instead of choosing fruit. Temporarily, it makes the scariness of those things, the frightening reality of this pregnancy and of my family's future, and the hurt, depression, and pain go away. Sure... it only lasts as long as the bowl of ice cream or to the end of the licorice twist, but it is momentary relief - sweet relief (sometimes literally) - enough to get me through to the next day.
I want so bad to be in control.
I AM NOT.
I've gained 24 pounds in 23-1/2 weeks of pregnancy! I feel uninspiring, full of self-loathing, and FAT!
I want to say, NO MORE EXCUSES! I will start to control myself, eat healthier, and throw away the licorice today. That is what I have been about for the past 2 years. That is the very reason why I lost this weight. But, I know if I say that, I'll just be lying... to you... to myself. I don't have any answers right now, and even while I feel this needs to be addressed, I really don't have the strength for any more big battles right now.
1 year ago today I ran my first 5k ever - after only 7 weeks of training. It was an amazing morning, shared with amazing people! This morning, I am missing that feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, and of control in my life. I am missing last year and the amazing things that happened in it. I am wanting so bad to go back, to skip this time in my life, and relive 2010 instead. I hope sometime soon to be tapped on the shoulder and woken up from what seems like an awful nightmare, but each day passes, and that never comes.
As the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Mandisa says:
There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
(Mandisa - He is with you)
So... this is certainly a different season in my life - the rules have changed - and sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my way around in the dark. There was a time to run, and now this is a time to face it. I know finding comfort in food won't change things. I guess for now just knowing is enough.
Some days I have a really hard time not being bitter. It's the type of feeling that invades your soul. I can feel it seize my insides and fill me with hate at times. Sometimes to the point where I feel physically sick. I don't like it. It is an attack on my being and my soul. I can feel it start happening, and I brace myself, and try to rid myself quickly of the feeling.
Lately it has been about vacations. I'm not even talking big, fancy go to Hawaii type of vacations. I'm talking a few precious days, even spent lounging in the sun around the local pool types. Its pretty much summer, and school is now officially out around here, and all I hear constantly everywhere I go is the chatter about summer and vacations. Vacations are a part of a normal, happy, family life. Everyone needs time to relax and recharge.
And there is my problem - normal life ..... happy..... family .... those things are not in my vocabulary right now. I'm abnormal.... sad .... broken.
To hear and watch families all giddy about their vacations makes me bitter. It makes me realize that I have no vacation time this year as it will all be used up to help with my "maternity leave" - whatever that might be, and to cover my oodles of Dr. appointments. And... that would be OK, if I would be guaranteed a healthy, live baby at the end of that. But I'm not. Even if I could take time off, I wouldn't be allowed to go more than an hour away, as I'm on travel restrictions right now per my doctor. Just imagine if that was your every day reality.
So... I listen and I watch, and I find myself filled with emotions that I don't like: bitterness, envy, hatred, even self-loathing. It's hard to live with those feeling for long. I figured acknowledging it here was my first step towards figuring out how to deal with it.
I only wish for one day I could once again walk around in a normal world, and do normal things - like vacations. Someday... someday I hope I can do that again. It's simply a reminder of how quickly life can change - how uncertain life can be, and how precious every single jab and kick I feel really is.
Lately it has been about vacations. I'm not even talking big, fancy go to Hawaii type of vacations. I'm talking a few precious days, even spent lounging in the sun around the local pool types. Its pretty much summer, and school is now officially out around here, and all I hear constantly everywhere I go is the chatter about summer and vacations. Vacations are a part of a normal, happy, family life. Everyone needs time to relax and recharge.
And there is my problem - normal life ..... happy..... family .... those things are not in my vocabulary right now. I'm abnormal.... sad .... broken.
To hear and watch families all giddy about their vacations makes me bitter. It makes me realize that I have no vacation time this year as it will all be used up to help with my "maternity leave" - whatever that might be, and to cover my oodles of Dr. appointments. And... that would be OK, if I would be guaranteed a healthy, live baby at the end of that. But I'm not. Even if I could take time off, I wouldn't be allowed to go more than an hour away, as I'm on travel restrictions right now per my doctor. Just imagine if that was your every day reality.
So... I listen and I watch, and I find myself filled with emotions that I don't like: bitterness, envy, hatred, even self-loathing. It's hard to live with those feeling for long. I figured acknowledging it here was my first step towards figuring out how to deal with it.
I only wish for one day I could once again walk around in a normal world, and do normal things - like vacations. Someday... someday I hope I can do that again. It's simply a reminder of how quickly life can change - how uncertain life can be, and how precious every single jab and kick I feel really is.
I sit here today and I am 23 weeks pregnant. It has been a full 4 weeks since that day. I sit here today not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that I am 4 weeks farther and I’m still pregnant. I am 1 week away from the gestational age of viability (which is 24 weeks in Minnesota) and I’m still pregnant.
I am in a state of acceptance.
Acceptance that this is not the pregnancy I longed for or imagined, but the pregnancy that I have been blessed with anyways.
Acceptance that I will NEVER get an easy pregnancy. I will never know what it is to have the pure bliss of being an anticipating mother to be, without all the stress that comes along with that.
Acceptance that I may either need to prepare for the death of my baby.
OR Acceptance of the earth-shattering life changes that would come along with her permanently joining our family.
Acceptance that I don’t know how I will provide for this baby if she has challenges. Would she be able to attend a regular daycare? How will I work?
Acceptance that I will not be delivering in the convenient suburban hospital, with a free parking lot, but instead in a downtown hospital, where the way is wrought with nasty traffic, road construction, and pay through your teeth parking (if you know me I hate driving into the city, and I hate traffic!)
Acceptance that I am not in control of any of the above.
Acceptance of how once bad news, is now the ‘not so bad news’
Acceptance has allowed me to have somewhat of a break from the 24 hour/day vigilant monitoring of the movements in my belly, and the complete exhaustion that brings me day after day. I have had many moments of freeing relief from just being able to think about and do something else for awhile. A mental break that was definitely needed. This is certainly an answer to prayer.
Acceptance has allowed me to walk across the street to the neighbor’s garage sale and purchase one tiny, newborn, pink and white polka-dotted dress with frilly bloomers to sit quietly in the closet and pray every single night that my daughter my someday wear it. Acceptance has allowed me to accept 2 bags of maternity clothes from a friend, and 1 bag of baby girl clothes. It has not allowed me to wash them and place them in drawers yet though.
Last week as you know we had another ultrasound appointment. We follow up with another ultrasound a week from Thursday – and then rinse and repeat every 2 weeks. My maternal fetal medicine specialist (Dr. P) will take all of my care from now on, so she’ll be doing my OB appointments too. Next Thursday I’ll have my gestational diabetes screen. I swear, if I have it, I honestly think poking myself with a needle several times a day may just be the thing to send me over the edge, but I have other things to worry about until then.
Yesterday we met with a pediatric cardiologist at the hospital. An echocardiogram – which is basically a heart ultrasound – was done on the baby. Right now the only heart defect they are seeing is a VSD – which is basically a defect that is a type of hole in the heart. We’ve been told it is small and may resolve on its own, or it may not. I will have another echo done in a month, because they are still checking for a defect known as CoA or Coarctation of the Aorta – which about 1 out of 3 babies with a cystic hygroma have. They were not able to rule CoA out yesterday because of the baby’s position and the inability to see exactly what they were looking for. We are hoping and praying that the VSD is the only defect, and our baby’s heart stays healthy and strong.
24 weeks – 28 weeks – 30 weeks… those are my next goals - like a child that needs a paper chain to count down to the end of school, or a Disney vacation – I only plan for and take one day at a time.
I am in a state of acceptance.
Acceptance that this is not the pregnancy I longed for or imagined, but the pregnancy that I have been blessed with anyways.
Acceptance that I will NEVER get an easy pregnancy. I will never know what it is to have the pure bliss of being an anticipating mother to be, without all the stress that comes along with that.
Acceptance that I may either need to prepare for the death of my baby.
OR Acceptance of the earth-shattering life changes that would come along with her permanently joining our family.
Acceptance that I don’t know how I will provide for this baby if she has challenges. Would she be able to attend a regular daycare? How will I work?
Acceptance that I will not be delivering in the convenient suburban hospital, with a free parking lot, but instead in a downtown hospital, where the way is wrought with nasty traffic, road construction, and pay through your teeth parking (if you know me I hate driving into the city, and I hate traffic!)
Acceptance that I am not in control of any of the above.
Acceptance of how once bad news, is now the ‘not so bad news’
Acceptance has allowed me to have somewhat of a break from the 24 hour/day vigilant monitoring of the movements in my belly, and the complete exhaustion that brings me day after day. I have had many moments of freeing relief from just being able to think about and do something else for awhile. A mental break that was definitely needed. This is certainly an answer to prayer.
Acceptance has allowed me to walk across the street to the neighbor’s garage sale and purchase one tiny, newborn, pink and white polka-dotted dress with frilly bloomers to sit quietly in the closet and pray every single night that my daughter my someday wear it. Acceptance has allowed me to accept 2 bags of maternity clothes from a friend, and 1 bag of baby girl clothes. It has not allowed me to wash them and place them in drawers yet though.
Last week as you know we had another ultrasound appointment. We follow up with another ultrasound a week from Thursday – and then rinse and repeat every 2 weeks. My maternal fetal medicine specialist (Dr. P) will take all of my care from now on, so she’ll be doing my OB appointments too. Next Thursday I’ll have my gestational diabetes screen. I swear, if I have it, I honestly think poking myself with a needle several times a day may just be the thing to send me over the edge, but I have other things to worry about until then.
Yesterday we met with a pediatric cardiologist at the hospital. An echocardiogram – which is basically a heart ultrasound – was done on the baby. Right now the only heart defect they are seeing is a VSD – which is basically a defect that is a type of hole in the heart. We’ve been told it is small and may resolve on its own, or it may not. I will have another echo done in a month, because they are still checking for a defect known as CoA or Coarctation of the Aorta – which about 1 out of 3 babies with a cystic hygroma have. They were not able to rule CoA out yesterday because of the baby’s position and the inability to see exactly what they were looking for. We are hoping and praying that the VSD is the only defect, and our baby’s heart stays healthy and strong.
24 weeks – 28 weeks – 30 weeks… those are my next goals - like a child that needs a paper chain to count down to the end of school, or a Disney vacation – I only plan for and take one day at a time.
Here's what's for dinner this week at our house. Since it will be around 95 degrees today we will be grilling outside tonight, and by we I mean my husband. I will be sitting inside an A/C cooled house drinking a nice cool lemonade!
Grilled Chicken w/Trader Joes Sweet Potato Gnocchi and Roasted Asparagus - method/recipe below
Honey You Have a Way with Chicken, Rice
Spaghetti - jarred sauce, fancied up with veggies and frozen meatballs (Costco)
Sloppy Joes, Sweet Potato Fries (from the freezer - thanks Ore-Ida), steamed peas
Chicken Baseballs and Pasta Salad
Roasted Asparagus.
Wash and trim the ends from the asparagus. Dry well with a towel or paper towel. Drizzle with around 1 Tbsp olive oil and salt and pepper to taste. Roast in a 425 degree oven for around 10-15 minutes. I've also been known to sprinkle with sesame seeds!
This is one of my most favorite veggies in the whole world, and I just planted some asparagus plants in my garden last week. They don't produce until the second year, but I'm already excited!
Tell me, what are you having for dinner this week?
Grilled Chicken w/Trader Joes Sweet Potato Gnocchi and Roasted Asparagus - method/recipe below
Honey You Have a Way with Chicken, Rice
Spaghetti - jarred sauce, fancied up with veggies and frozen meatballs (Costco)
Sloppy Joes, Sweet Potato Fries (from the freezer - thanks Ore-Ida), steamed peas
Chicken Baseballs and Pasta Salad
Roasted Asparagus.
Wash and trim the ends from the asparagus. Dry well with a towel or paper towel. Drizzle with around 1 Tbsp olive oil and salt and pepper to taste. Roast in a 425 degree oven for around 10-15 minutes. I've also been known to sprinkle with sesame seeds!
This is one of my most favorite veggies in the whole world, and I just planted some asparagus plants in my garden last week. They don't produce until the second year, but I'm already excited!
Tell me, what are you having for dinner this week?
I can always tell from the number of blog hits that people are stalking for updates. That’s ok… I totally get it. I have done the same thing on some of the blogs I read. So, I’m sorry when its takes so long for me to post one. These posts are sometimes hard to write and after my appointments lately I am just so exhausted from the whole thing that I collapse.
Yesterday was no exception. My appointment was at 11:45 am. I got home around 2 pm, and finally got to sit down to eat lunch – I was starving! Then, I owed my mom a call, as I obviously need to update my family before any blog or facebook posts. By then it was time to pick up my son from daycare. Later that night I promptly collapsed into the couch being both physically and emotionally drained from the day.
So… on to what you are waiting for. The short answer is that we made it three more weeks, and things are not worse! While I longed to hear that things were much much better, knowing that things were not worse is really good news. Our definition of good news has changed so much in the past three weeks. This new reality we walk in is often surreal.
Now for the long description. The cystic hygroma size is at least unchanged and possibly very slightly smaller than it was 3 weeks ago. It is still a very large one – in the spectrum of hygromas, but it is not growing along with the baby, and that is good. They are seeing some grainy areas of the hygroma that they are not sure what is going on. It could be a sign of some bleeding, but the baby is not at all anemic, so there is no immediate concern with that.
The fluid in the lungs is completely gone! There is still some fluid around the baby's heart, but there is no excess fluid in any other areas. This is good. We now pray for the fluid to be cleared from around the heart as well. From what I understand, the fluid is very bad. This is a small victory for us.
The baby’s growth is similar to last time. The belly and head are measuring right at 22 weeks, and the limbs are measuring about 3 weeks behind. The baby overall is growing, and the proportions are remaining about the same. The baby is about a pound right now, which overall is average for 22 weeks.
Yesterday it was confirmed that our baby does indeed have a heart defect, but it does not look to be a serious one. My doctor believes it is a hole in the heart type of defect, and is one of the more common ones seen. Sometimes this type of defect even resolves without surgery. We will learn much more about this defect and its severity and prognosis as we met with a pediatric cardiologist for an echocardiogram on Tuesday.
At this point the maternal fetal medicine specialist will take over all my care. I will see her in 2 weeks and then every 2 weeks until the end of this pregnancy. I am going to make it 2 weeks at a time. That is what I have to hold on to. The first goal is 24 weeks, which is the age of viability in this state. Next goal is to make it to 28 weeks – at which around 95% of babies survive. My next goal is 30+ weeks. I need these goals. 30 weeks is only 7-1/2 weeks away. With God’s grace we are going to get this baby as far as we can.
We are feeling overall more optimistic, but with caution. As my doctor said yesterday she is encouraged, but also knows these babies do not always play by the rules. Good news now does not predict good news in the future. All I can do is appreciate the reality of that.
We got to see her face in 3d and we’ve confirmed she has the same nose as her big brother! Looking at my baby’s face only confirmed to me that she is absolutely 100% perfect! No question. Starting my car, the first thing I heard was this song:
I will say that I left the appointment yesterday with as much hope as I’ve had in 3 weeks, and walked into the afternoon sunshine with a small smile on my face – underlining the word small.
Reality is easier these days. The initial shock of everything worn off a little, and now it just feels like we are dealing. I want to be living versus dealing, but that is not my reality right now. Dealing is OK.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Please keep praying for our daughter. We have a long ways to go, but every day is a step further.
I am not a patient person. I like absolutes. I like to plan. Right now I can’t do or have any of those things. There is only one thing I’m certain of– this is an uncertain journey!
Yesterday was no exception. My appointment was at 11:45 am. I got home around 2 pm, and finally got to sit down to eat lunch – I was starving! Then, I owed my mom a call, as I obviously need to update my family before any blog or facebook posts. By then it was time to pick up my son from daycare. Later that night I promptly collapsed into the couch being both physically and emotionally drained from the day.
So… on to what you are waiting for. The short answer is that we made it three more weeks, and things are not worse! While I longed to hear that things were much much better, knowing that things were not worse is really good news. Our definition of good news has changed so much in the past three weeks. This new reality we walk in is often surreal.
Now for the long description. The cystic hygroma size is at least unchanged and possibly very slightly smaller than it was 3 weeks ago. It is still a very large one – in the spectrum of hygromas, but it is not growing along with the baby, and that is good. They are seeing some grainy areas of the hygroma that they are not sure what is going on. It could be a sign of some bleeding, but the baby is not at all anemic, so there is no immediate concern with that.
The fluid in the lungs is completely gone! There is still some fluid around the baby's heart, but there is no excess fluid in any other areas. This is good. We now pray for the fluid to be cleared from around the heart as well. From what I understand, the fluid is very bad. This is a small victory for us.
The baby’s growth is similar to last time. The belly and head are measuring right at 22 weeks, and the limbs are measuring about 3 weeks behind. The baby overall is growing, and the proportions are remaining about the same. The baby is about a pound right now, which overall is average for 22 weeks.
Yesterday it was confirmed that our baby does indeed have a heart defect, but it does not look to be a serious one. My doctor believes it is a hole in the heart type of defect, and is one of the more common ones seen. Sometimes this type of defect even resolves without surgery. We will learn much more about this defect and its severity and prognosis as we met with a pediatric cardiologist for an echocardiogram on Tuesday.
At this point the maternal fetal medicine specialist will take over all my care. I will see her in 2 weeks and then every 2 weeks until the end of this pregnancy. I am going to make it 2 weeks at a time. That is what I have to hold on to. The first goal is 24 weeks, which is the age of viability in this state. Next goal is to make it to 28 weeks – at which around 95% of babies survive. My next goal is 30+ weeks. I need these goals. 30 weeks is only 7-1/2 weeks away. With God’s grace we are going to get this baby as far as we can.
We are feeling overall more optimistic, but with caution. As my doctor said yesterday she is encouraged, but also knows these babies do not always play by the rules. Good news now does not predict good news in the future. All I can do is appreciate the reality of that.
We got to see her face in 3d and we’ve confirmed she has the same nose as her big brother! Looking at my baby’s face only confirmed to me that she is absolutely 100% perfect! No question. Starting my car, the first thing I heard was this song:
I won’t readily admit to always believing in concrete signs from a higher power, but I feel there is no way that this can be a coincidence.
I will say that I left the appointment yesterday with as much hope as I’ve had in 3 weeks, and walked into the afternoon sunshine with a small smile on my face – underlining the word small.
Reality is easier these days. The initial shock of everything worn off a little, and now it just feels like we are dealing. I want to be living versus dealing, but that is not my reality right now. Dealing is OK.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Please keep praying for our daughter. We have a long ways to go, but every day is a step further.
I am not a patient person. I like absolutes. I like to plan. Right now I can’t do or have any of those things. There is only one thing I’m certain of– this is an uncertain journey!
22 weeks today
Friday’s “regular” OB appointment was “perfect”. My tummy is measuring at 21 weeks, my weight was up a couple of pounds, my blood pressure was 126/68 and baby girl’s heartbeat was 156 bpm. Perfect huh? Yeah, except what about all of the parts that are making this pregnancy a complete nightmare? Funny how something can be so right and so wrong all at the same time. It just makes me so angry.
I don’t have much else on my mind this week except our ultrasound tomorrow. It will be been exactly 3 weeks since I sat in the same office and was told about the complications with our baby. Time is now marked by the time before and the time after that happening. Time has been marked by how long until this next ultrasound, and now it’s the day before.
There is some sort of bliss in ignoring what happened on that day. But yet, I can never really ignore it fully. Tomorrow we are faced with reality again. And while I really want to know what is going on inside of me, a huge part of me doesn’t care to face that. Doesn’t care to hear the dire statistics again. Doesn’t care to be told that my baby is dying inside of me.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
I’m nervous.
I’m terrified.
I want to be told tomorrow that it was all some sort of huge mistake. That our baby is perfect and thriving, but I know that isn’t going to happen. My happy ending has changed.
I envision a positive scenario that includes things like “she’s the same”, or even “the fluid has reduced a little”, or “we still can’t find a heart defect.” Those are my positive scenarios. But I know there’s a chance we’ll hear that she’s doing worse than 3 weeks ago.
I believe in healing.
I believe in miracles.
I believe that God is bigger than the 2-7% chance this baby has to live.
And yet… I know that my plans are not His plans.
I pray that whatever the news is tomorrow that I am strong enough to take it.
Friday’s “regular” OB appointment was “perfect”. My tummy is measuring at 21 weeks, my weight was up a couple of pounds, my blood pressure was 126/68 and baby girl’s heartbeat was 156 bpm. Perfect huh? Yeah, except what about all of the parts that are making this pregnancy a complete nightmare? Funny how something can be so right and so wrong all at the same time. It just makes me so angry.
I don’t have much else on my mind this week except our ultrasound tomorrow. It will be been exactly 3 weeks since I sat in the same office and was told about the complications with our baby. Time is now marked by the time before and the time after that happening. Time has been marked by how long until this next ultrasound, and now it’s the day before.
There is some sort of bliss in ignoring what happened on that day. But yet, I can never really ignore it fully. Tomorrow we are faced with reality again. And while I really want to know what is going on inside of me, a huge part of me doesn’t care to face that. Doesn’t care to hear the dire statistics again. Doesn’t care to be told that my baby is dying inside of me.
I have no clue what I’m doing.
I’m nervous.
I’m terrified.
I want to be told tomorrow that it was all some sort of huge mistake. That our baby is perfect and thriving, but I know that isn’t going to happen. My happy ending has changed.
I envision a positive scenario that includes things like “she’s the same”, or even “the fluid has reduced a little”, or “we still can’t find a heart defect.” Those are my positive scenarios. But I know there’s a chance we’ll hear that she’s doing worse than 3 weeks ago.
I believe in healing.
I believe in miracles.
I believe that God is bigger than the 2-7% chance this baby has to live.
And yet… I know that my plans are not His plans.
I pray that whatever the news is tomorrow that I am strong enough to take it.
