Since I started this blog, I have never reposted an entry before, but as I was doing some thinking tonight, I reread this post, and it truly hit a spot that is on my heart and mind right now.  This was posted back when I was trying to get pregnant... of course, as you know now, things have not turned out as we ever planned, even though I did get pregnant, and the mistrust of my body, and the immense sadness I feel because of that is back... so why rewrite, what I said so well back just a few months ago.

I've been thinking a lot about failure and trust this week. Specifically the past failure of my body and now my resulting inability to trust it! William D Brown said, "Failure is an event, never a person." The past failure of my body does not make ME a failure. It was simply a series of EVENTS that happened in the past.


So why do I mistrust my body? Well... pretty much ever since I can remember I have been battling Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - widely known as PCOS. It has caused me to stop ovulating making it impossible for me to conceive a child without "help." It also makes me prone to miscarriages. People with PCOS have a 50% rate of miscarriage. In addition to the PCOS, once I got pregnant with my son "L", my body failed to appropriately nourish him, causing him to be born with Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) at 35 weeks, and giving me HELLP syndrome. On top of all of that my body doesn't process sugars correctly giving me both gestational diabetes during pregnancy, and insulin resistance outside of pregnancy.

Yeah... So as you can see I have some valid reasons for the complete mistrust of my body. I guess since I posted this, it isn't necessarily a secret that my husband and I have decided to try and have another child. This is not a decision we came upon lightly - due to all the past difficulties, along with the physical and emotional pain of my past pregnancies. Tonight I was reminded of how this new journey is going to be for me. You'd think that 4 years would have erased it all. But it clearly hasn't. All of the struggles of the past came rushing back to me as I sat in the bathroom tonight with a Dixie cup of pee and a small stick in my hand. NO it is not what you think. I was NOT taking a pregnancy test. I was taking an OPK - otherwise known as an ovulation predictor kit for those of you lucky enough to never need one (wish I knew how that felt even for one moment). The test was negative. It should at least be moving towards positive any day now... and it isn't. So far everything points to NO.

NO, you will not be normal.

NO, you will not ovulate.

NO, weight loss did NOT help you in this area.

NO more kids for you! (OK, I had a brief flash of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi there for a moment... but I digress).

I so desperately want to be normal for once. I so desperately want my body to work as it was intended to. I hate it. I mistrust it. It fails me, and in turn I feel like a COMPLETE failure!

I know, I know, I just need to relax you say, give my body some time to adjust to being off of synthetic hormones, I need to stress less, and have fun, I need to appreciate what I have - this wonderful, beautiful, little boy (and I so so so do):

But I just can't trust that my body will ever work. That he'll ever have a sibling, that anything will ever change for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. It's a sadness that slowly trickles through you body and kind of feels like it is tearing every muscles as it ripples through you. No, its not sadness... its more like despair.

I'm trying to be positive - unlike my pee stick - but sometimes I feel I have nothing to hold on to. With all the failures of the past, how likely is a success. I'm trying desperately to believe that I have done all that I can do, I must trust my body to work as intended, and give the rest up to a higher power.
But for now... me and my pee cup sit alone, and we wait and wait and wait some more, and both of us try so desperately to be positive.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now, and do it." -- William Durant, founder of General Motors

I'm sitting here feeling a little excited and a little sad this afternoon.  In mere hours I will be meeting up with some fellow blogger and healthy living people who have deemed themselves the "Prior Fat Pack" (#priorfatpack on twitter).  We'll be potlucking tonight - which I can still do in my condition - yes, yes, very good at eating food these days.  No one laugh at me tonight, OK, I'm eating for two (yes, yes, lame excuse used).  That's the excited part!

But this group of awesome people is not just getting together to eat - because seriously then, what type of healthy bloggers would we they be.  They are also running in the Challenge Hearts & Minds 5k tomorrow.  This is the little sad part.  I'm not running with them!  I've been really good at doing my walking 3 times a week, but I haven't run since early February, and with the complications in my pregnancy, it is going to be a while until I run again, let alone run a race. 

Last year at this time I was a mere 2 weeks away from my own, first 5k.  I was scared, I was nervous, but I was empowered.  I was running, and I was rocking it.  Now, at the time I'd like to run most... well, maybe not just run, but actually RUN AWAY. I can't.  Boy... how life can change so quickly. 

So... to all of the Prior Fat Pack members, you guys rock!  You are going to do awesome tomorrow, and I can't wait to hear/read all about it.  I will not be running with you, but I have you all in my thoughts, and I'm hoping and praying for some amazing sunshine to come out, and shine down on all of you!

Today I'm 21 weeks pregnant.
What has happened this week? 

I've had pretty much little if any nausea - yay for that... finally!

On Sunday I did a 24 hour urine capture... wow, that was NOT fun.  Basically you put all of your pee in a giant jug and haul it into the hospital 24 hours later for review.  At the same time, my doctor had ordered some basic preeclampsia lab work to be done.  This all serves as a baseline to compare to should I start to show signs of preeclampsia.  Before I got pregnant, I was told that due to my history I had a 60% chance of a repeat of some sort of preeclampsia.  I've only been told that now with the baby's complications my chances are "higher"... no clue exactly how much higher, and honestly statistics mean nothing to me now that I've hit a .2% chance of something happening... twice!  If your wondering, I don't lottery tickets, as it is never the good things that hit me this way.

I still think I look "wide" rather than pregnant.  I don't have a stick out type of belly, but its definitely rounding out.  I can feel the top of my uterus right at my belly button now.  Lots of stretching pain the last week too, especially in the last couple of days.

I think this baby's legs are getting stronger!  Sunday and Monday I didn't feel a ton of movement.  I was scared, and feeling really down.  I guess the baby was resting and growing, because yesterday and today I starting feeling some major kung fu going down in there.  It makes me feel like she's strong when I feel those kicks.  It gives me small moments of hope.

I wanted to leave you with this picture of our daughter... well, really just her finger and foot.  We received these 2 weeks ago, and only today have I been able to bring myself to   look at them.

Baby Foot!



Tiny little fingers

I have to admit, I have been staring at these for awhile, and have been thinking how perfect her foot and fingers look - how amazing and thoughtfully designed she was... and yet at the same time, I know she has a large hygroma, and is not thriving as she should be.  I try and try to understand it all, and find that I can't.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to.  Trying is so exhausting sometimes.

How can things be both so right and yet, so wrong?

I feel the need to clear something up. It is something that is just laying heavy on my own heart. I am not being defensive; this is just something I feel needs to be put out there.

This baby is 100% wanted and loved, regardless of any disabilities, differences, or difficulties that may come along with that. I desperately want to be given the opportunity to be a mom to this baby, to love her, to raise her, to encourage her, despite any difficulties or challenges that may come along with that. I am 100% appreciative of all the wonderful, personal stories of your own children or people you know that may have had a similar diagnosis/situation. Please don’t stop sending them, it is encouraging to me, and I reread many of the messages I have received over the past week daily. 

But… that is NOT my struggle.

I struggle daily with the fact that the chances of this baby being given an opportunity to even live are slim at best. Do you know what its like to be carrying a baby around in your body 24 hours a day as a part of yourself that has been given a death sentence? It’s horrible.  It's exhausting.  It's dark and depressing! It NEVER leaves your mind. NEVER. Brutally honest - It is by far the worst place I've ever been in my 34 years.  I am constantly monitoring movements, and when I don’t feel the baby for an hour, I start freaking out. It’s really a horrifying place to be. Constant fear, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  It makes for one exhausted, drained, and crabby person.  Some days I wonder how I can continue like this.  It makes every day a constant struggle - A struggle for hope, a struggle for just finding a few moments of peace. 

Yet, somehow in a haze, I have made it through the last 12 days.  Some days I really don't know how, but I am happy I have made it 12 days, and I know I have 9 more days left until the next ultrasound, where my expectations will again be reset.  I am both terrified and longing for that day.

I love this little girl… no matter what.

I wish my love and pain could fix her, because I have so much of both.  I wish I could fast forward to a further point in my pregnancy where it would be safe for her to be delivered, so doctors could help her better.  Right now I can't fix anything, but I do know that I am not one bit fearful of a future of raising her, I am fearful of a future without her at all.

That is my reality… and so I sit and wait for the unknown.  Knowing there are so many thoughts and prayers.  Feeling all of your love, and at the same time feeling VERY VERY alone.

Here's what we have on our menu this week... what about you?

Pioneer Woman’s Meatloaf – Lightened, Baked Potatoes and Corn
Shredded BBQ Beef on Buns, Coleslaw and Sweet Potato Fries
Skinny Fettuccine Alfredo – recipe below!
Curry Chicken
Tacos and Spanish Rice (leftover meal from last week)

Skinny Fettuccine Alfredo - Makes about 3 cups
1/3 cup = 2 Points Plus values, Make sure to count the extra points for whatever pasta you add it to

3 Tbsp butter
3 Tbsp flour
2 chicken bouillon cubes
1-1/2 cups water
1-1/2 cups fat free half n half
½ cup grated Parmesan Cheese

Melt butter in a medium sized saucepan over medium heat, add flour and stir until until smooth, add water, half n half, and bouillon cubes. Bring to an “almost simmer” over medium heat, stirring A LOT. Don’t let this boil. The mixture will thicken. Remove from heat, and stir in Parmesan Cheese.  Serve over pasta... I've also used this as a sauce for an Alfredo pizza. 

This is delicious and I cannot tell the difference between heavy, calorie-laden fettuccine Alfredo and this.

I didn’t post a weekly pregnancy update yesterday because… well… I HAD A REALLY BAD DAY! Then I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30, because I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep, and my mind races all night long, and I have weird dreams – about yelling at pizza people because they didn’t bring the pizza to the right address. And I wake up all pissed off and worked up. I’m about to go out of my mind! I’m going to give it the weekend and if I’m still having trouble sleeping then I’m going to call the doctor and figure out what I can possibly do.

Wednesday was a bad day. Thursday was better but not great. I was feeling really nauseous yesterday, which only furthers my anger and bitter feelings. I guess I can expect a bit of up and down, and Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I felt so good… so positive. I felt like this baby could make it. 
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant, which should be a huge milestone, as its technically halfway as a normal pregnancy is 40 weeks!  Instead of thinking about being halfway, I'm stuck thinking about how much longer we can make it.  It's been 1 week since the dreaded ultrasound. Two weeks from today we have another Level II ultrasound to check on the baby and get a status - better, worse, the same.  I want to get to that day desperately, while at the same time I am terrified of the very thing I am counting down to.  I am thinking of making one of those paper chains that little kids use to count down to school ending, or vacation, or something fun.

I have a 24 hour urine test and Preeclampsia blood work on Sunday/Monday to baseline my numbers.  I have a doctor's appointment in a week with my regular OB GYN.  It will be my last appointment with him until the specialist takes over 100% of my care. 

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday.  I feel bad he has to spend his birthday with all this hanging over his head.

I remember my 20 week ultrasound with my son "L".  I remember finding out he was a boy.  I remember being happy, because even though I secretly longed for a girl, once they said he was a boy, I never thought about a girl ever again.  Then I remember hitting the store to buy my first "baby item", and remember thinking "Wow, there isn't much in here for boys."  I secretly eyed the girls section, with the super cute little outfits and darling dresses. 

Today, if you know my son, you will know that for a boy he is one of the most well-dressed kids around. It started while he was spending his first 27 days of life in the NICU, learning to eat and grow.  He was only 3 lbs 4 oz and 16 inches long, so even the newborn stuff we bought, and were given, was too big.  I started buying preemie clothes on eBay in between spending time at the hospital... and well, the rest is history.  I love buying cute clothes for him.  I stalk eBay for super cute Gymboree and Janie and Jack outfits, I hold out every season for the famous Gymboree circle of friends sale.  I am hopeless!

Last Thursday before our ultrasound, I was already certain we were having a girl.  I thought, finally, I can go into the girls section of the store, and probably spend way too much money on super cute little clothes.  I had visions of little dresses swirling in my head.  But after the spiraling events of that day, now the baby section at Target has me holding my breath and speeding quickly past, taking a sideways glance out of the corner of eye at this little blue dress, and feeling a tear slide out of my eye and down my cheek.

Calypso for Target Dress

Tonight we were at the Mall of America, and the cute girl clothes in the window at Hanna Andersen were enough to bring me to tears.  I am having a girl, and now I can't even bring myself to buy her something.  I wish I had the kind of faith that would allow me to, but in all honesty, I don't.  I will spend the rest of this pregnancy, however long that is, avoiding buying my little girl any clothes. 
I'm stuck... I can't buy myself regular clothes, because they no longer fit, now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant.  I can't buy maternity clothes, because I have no clue how long I'll actually need them, and deep down I'm really a cheapskate.  I can't even buy my own unborn baby girl clothes because I don't know if she will ever live to wear them.

I'm stuck, it stinks, its completely unfair, and I hate it!

We failed at eating out last week even with meals planned - but there were lots of doctor's appointments and things beyond our control, so I forgive us!  So this week we have a meal left from last week.

This week Friday is my dear husband's birthday, so likely he will pick a dinner out for his birthday, otherwise here is the plan:

Monday:  BATs - This is my pregnant version of a BLT.  When I'm pregnant, it seems I cannot eat lettuce.  So I replace with avocado.  YUM!  Bacon, Avocado and Tomato.  Fruit and Sun Chips on the side.
Tuesday:  Aussie Chicken and Rice Pilaf - recipe below
Wednesday:  Tacos and Spanish Rice (leftover meal I didn't make last week)
Thursday:  Meatballs, Rice and Stir fry veggies - using the bottled teriyaki sauce I bought at Costco.
Friday:  Husband's Birthday dinner out!

Aussie Chicken - adapted by me from an AllRecipes version
Serves 4 - 7 Points Plus values per serving

4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - pounded to 1/2 inch thickness
1 teaspoon seasoning salt
4 slices bacon, cut in half - cooked
4 Tbsp honey mustard
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
1/2 cup Co-jack cheese
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

Sprinkle chicken breasts with the seasoning salt, brown each side in skillet about 3-4 minutes per side.  Put in a baking dish.  Top with honey mustard, mushrooms and bacon, sprinkle with cheese
Bake in oven for 15 minutes, or until cheese is melted and chicken juices run clear. Garnish with parsley and serve with the more honey mustard.

This is not the post I had ever imagined writing. It is not a post I want to write, but I have known for the past several days that I would have to write it. I can’t hide forever. It is a part of my life right now that I would probably rather close off, but as I have always thought with weight loss that if hearing this can help someone else, then it makes it worth writing it. Right now I feel alone. I have been searching for other experiences, other blogs, for hope, for the things to say… so far I’ve come up empty. I want to document this anyways… as a coping mechanism, as something tangible that I can have for later. So here goes…

Thursday morning we had our 20 week ultrasound. The baby is a girl, so my premonitions were right. But there are complications with the baby. The ultrasound tech was very happy-go-lucky. Never in the 30 minutes she was scanning me did I feel something was wrong. The baby was moving a ton, we joked about it. At the very end she said, “Let me make a deal with you guys, I’m going to get a doctor to check something out, and after that we will try to get some better pictures, ok?” She left the room. I looked at my husband and remember saying, “This cannot be good, but even as I said it, I did not, nor could not understand the enormity of what was about to come our way. My very own doctor entered the room, and said something about some excess fluid around the heart and lungs, and after that we were given an appointment 2 hours later with a maternal-fetal medicine specialist. We left in a daze, not understanding what was to come, and later that day met with a specialist and a genetic counselor.

There are many unknowns at this point, but I will tell you what I know. These are the facts.

The baby has a cystic hygroma on its neck - this is a large fluid filled sac - kind of like a big tumor. She also has fluid around the heart/lungs - and while the heart structures appear normal, the fluid is likely evidence of a heart defect we are not seeing yet. The baby is not completely growing on track - the arms/legs are shorter than they should be... Yet are normal. The head/belly are measuring normal. The baby’s weight is normal for 19 weeks. The baby's face, spine, and brain structures are all normal. So much wrong, yet so much perfectly formed.

The specialist feels it might be something called Turner syndrome. Turner Syndrome is a chromosomal abnormality - in basic terms a girl is an XX and Turner syndrome girls are missing part of all of the second X chromosome. Normal babies have 46 chromosomes, Turner syndrome babies are 45 chromosomes. It is present from conception. It is not something you can "fix" by resting more or doing something different. 90%+ of babies with Turner syndrome die in a miscarriage or stillbirth. The majority of those are first trimester miscarriages, so it is uncommon to see Turner syndrome beyond the first trimester, as in my case, and even more uncommon for a Turner syndrome baby to make it to birth alive.

We are told that the condition of the hygroma and fluid in the heart/lungs will either get worse, stay the same, or get better - not really very helpful. Babies with Turner syndrome have a very high incidence of heart defects many of which are unfortunately fatal. The Turner syndrome itself cannot and will not go away. Also, to make things even more confusing, the baby may not have Turner Syndrome and could instead have a rare unknown genetic defect, been exposed to an infection, or even have Down Syndrome. Although the doctor feels those are unlikely scenarios. For now though, given all the evidence, the doctor strongly feels this is classic Turner syndrome, and it is what we were mainly counseled on. We cannot know definitively if this is Turner syndrome unless we do an amniocentesis, which we have decided against for now. It doesn't change the outcome anyways.

We have been told there is about a 2-7% chance our baby will be born alive. Unfortunately the baby having these issues puts me at even a higher risk of preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome to reoccur. So, the doctor’s are definitely having to manage my health in all of this as well. I will be at a doctor every 1-2 weeks for the immediate future. Once the baby is past 24 weeks - about 4-½ weeks away, they could deliver her, and intervene more easily for her on the outside, but a 24 week baby - even one without outstanding health problems, still doesn’t have a great chance of making it.

If the baby does have Turner syndrome and does survive the pregnancy without severe heart defects, she can have a very good life... she could never have children of her own, but would have a near normal IQ, with little if any mental handicaps, and not really any outside longstanding cosmetic symptoms, other than she'd probably be quite short.

We have a follow-up ultrasound in 3 weeks at the specialist to see what is happening (worse better or the same), and 5 days after that the baby will have an echocardiogram - which is a special heart ultrasound done by a pediatric cardiologist.

How am I feeling? I am going to be completely honest here. I am extremely bitter, angry, and terrified. I am having trouble having any faith or trust. After miscarriage, the difficult birth of my son, and now this I feel that somewhere I must have done something horrible in my life to deserve all of the sadness that has happened to me and my family. I do not deserve this as a reward for my efforts. This little girl does not deserve this. I feel like the weight I lost, the huge life changes I made were all for crap. I feel like I'm in a haze walking outside my body watching a nightmare unfold. Given my history and our experience and age this is our last chance to add to our family, and the sadness I feel is gut wrenching at best. And yet, in the midst all of the hurt, pain, crying, I have small moments of peace, relief, and clarity - small ones - but I suppose that is all I can hope for. It doesn't help when I feel the baby kicking and know she is alive and trying, but doesn't know the reality and gravity of her situation. My bubble is certainly burst!

I know that miracles do happen, but I also know that this world is full of sin and evil. I believe in the power of God to heal, but I have not been able to pray for myself or my unborn child yet, as I have no words to say. I am hoping for a miracle, yet I am expecting the worst. I am a pessimist, I always have been. I know many other people are interceding on our behalf already, and I cannot thank them enough. I would covet and appreciate any prayers you can send our way. I would appreciate you spreading our little girls story to others that might pray for her as well.

I cannot guarantee how I will handle posting from here on out. I certainly don’t feel like posting about weight loss or health, as it all seems so unimportant and trivial at this point. At the same time I’m not sure how I feel about posting about this pregnancy ongoing, but as I stated at the beginning, I also wish that I was able to find a blog out there sharing someone else’s experiences with this, and so far have come up empty.

If you have them, hug your kids tonight. I know I have been hugging my little boy constantly. I knew already he was a miracle given his start in life, but I only feel it even more strongly now. Over the past 4 years of my life I've unfortunately come to realize what a miracle having a healthy baby actually is. Yes, it seems like people do it every day, but so far in my life that has not been my personal experience.

Bubble. Officially. Burst.

Another week down, almost half way there!

This week...

I was only feeling really sick for 2 days!  Making progress...

I FINALLY STARTED EXERCISING again.  Monday night was a 30 minute brisk walk, and tonight a 20 minute walk - which I cut short because my back was REALLY hurting and crampy.  These are huge victories for me, as I haven't exercised in a couple of months.  It feels so good to get the legs and lungs moving again.  Only 1 more day this week, and I'll have met my minimum goal for the week.  I can do that!

Feeling tiny baby movements is great, but I'm going to admit that on the days I don't feel it for awhile, it starts to make me full of fear, worry, and slightly crazy.  I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy, but I just can't seem to get to the point where I don't feel the bottom is about to drop out of this pipe dream.

Same thing with the ultrasound.  Tomorrow is the BIG day - our anatomy scan and hopefully finding out if this is a little girl or a little boy.  I should be super excited, right?  And I am... but overtaking that is immense fear.  The fear that they will find something wrong with the baby, or the fear that he/she will be too small and not growing well, the fear that I will be headed down the path of IUGR and HELLP syndrome once again.  I want to scream at myself, grab myself by the shoulders and shake.  I want to tell myself to quit being so stupidly irrational, and to just relax.  I don't want to feel this way, but I do, and all I can do right now is take each day as it comes and try really hard not to hyperventilate about ___.  So instead of enjoying what is probably my last pregnancy, I am in "fight or flight" mode most days. 

If you have any ideas to knock some sense into me, please let me know, because obviously what I'm doing isn't working.  And if you are the praying type, I'd really covet some prayers right about now... specifically about tomorrow's ultrasound - that we'd find a perfectly growing little being in there - and about my anxiety levels.

Stay tuned for ultrasound results tomorrow!

In an effort to keep myself on track with one of my May goals – which was to eat out less, I have decided that it would be great to post my menu for the week here every Monday.

I have been a meal planning, menu making nut long before I started my Weight Watchers journey. I actually started doing it when my husband and I first got married at the ripe old age of 21.  I discovered the number one way to stick to a grocery budget is to plan meals, and we certainly didn't have very much to spend on groceries back then.

I actually find it very easy, and it calms me to have the right ingredients in the house, to make a decent meal for most, if not all, nights of the week. How do I do it?  I basically start with a blank sheet of notebook paper and write all the days of the week only the left side, then I fill in any extra information about that day – for instance, if I know we are going out for a birthday or to a friend’s house for dinner, I note that. Last, I paw through previous meal plans, and my cookbooks to come up with the meals for the week, and make a shopping list of all the items I need – organized by grocery area of course – I use Produce, Deli, Meat, Canned Goods, Dry Goods, Fridge, Freezer, and Other as my categories.

So without further explanation, here’s What’s for dinner this week at our house.

Monday: Tomato Cheese Quiche – Cut up Fresh Fruit – Leftover Pasta Salad

Tuesday: PW’s - Lemon Blueberry Pancakes - this will be a new recipe for us - I'm in love with blueberry lemon combinations, so I can't wait.

Wednesday: My Mom’s Mac n Cheese - Recipe below

Thursday: Soft Shelled Tacos and Spanish Rice - I use Old El Paso Taco Seasoning and Rice a Roni boxed mix... creative I know, but I think these have the best flavor.

Friday: Homemade Cheese and Turkey Pepperoni Pizza, Green Salad

My Mom's Mac n Cheese - 8 servings
1 cup dry macaroni (I use shells)
1 cup 1% cottage cheese
1 cup light sour cream
1 cup light Velveeta Cheese - cut up
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese
2 eggs

Cook macaroni according to directions and drain.  Combine with the rest of the ingredients in a 2-1/2 quart casserole dish.  Bake at 350 for 45 minutes.  Awesome comfort food!

Do you menu plan for the week.  If so I'd love for you to share your menu for the week, and if you post it to your blog, feel free to post a link to your menu plan in the comments.

Bon Appetit!

My mom - 80 years old

"L" 1 day old

I don't think my mother expected that at nearly 46 years old she'd be embarking down the path of motherhood for the SIXTH time.  She could have easily changed her mind, people may have even encouraged her to change her mind, but she didn't.  She knew that God always has a plan.  Boy, I'm glad she stuck with it, as I'm here... and so is my dear son, because of her.

Will you take a moment to thank your mom today for making your life possible.  After knowing about living the drama it takes to bring a child into the world, I know that I will.

Week 17 is in the books!   WOO HOO!  I am certainly not one of those women that LOVES being pregnant, and while I wish for a full 39 weeks more than anything, I will be happy when this little one is done "cooking" at the end of that time.  Meanwhile, I am really trying to "enjoy" this as much as humanly possibly because it is likely my last pregnancy. 

Since my update was kind of negative last week, I'm going to try something new.  What am I loving about being pregnant this time:

• Even though I've been nauseous, I've been much less sick (read that vomiting) than with "L".  I lost 30 pounds during my last pregnancy due to being so sick.  I have gained about 12-13 pounds so far this pregnancy.
• Feeling the baby move.  Yes, there is no mistake about it, this little one is definitely moving all around.  It helps to calm my nerves a little each time I feel him/her.
• Feeling 50/50 at this point, which is much better than 0/100!
• Noticing actually just today that my belly actually looked pregnant rather than "deflated formerly fat person"
• Round Ligament Pain... not kidding - I actually am happy when I feel it because I know it means this little one is growing.  With "L" He had severe IUGR , so the number one thing I'm dreading is if this baby doesn't grow correctly.
• Brownies!
• Having a strong premonition I'm having a GIRL!  One week from tomorrow we find out!
• Trusting, Hoping, Praying, and having faith that this time will be different.
• Picking out names!  Hubby got to name "L", so I get to name this little one exclusively.
• And certainly last but not least...Knowing that I'm over 115 pounds less than I was when pregnant last time.  Knowing that my heart and lungs are healthy, that my body is healthier, that my blood sugar is lower, and that MY BODY CAN DO THIS!  Knowing that it was my own hard work and dedication that actually made having this pregnancy possible.  This is everything I hoped for... everything I worked for, for 2 years.  This is making my dream into a reality.  When I started my weight loss journey 2-1/2 years ago, I did it for 2 reasons... to be a better mom to "L" and to give him a sibling.  From the positive pregnancy test - that required no additional help getting this time - to 17 weeks later... watching that dream come true is surreal and spine-tingling... the stuff of made for TV movies.

Onward and forward to week 18!

Happy May!  Isn't it great to think that we made it through April... and now are on to May?  In Minnesota, it should have meant sunny skies and playing outside, but instead May 1st brought snow pellets on my windshield and a temperature that never made it above 40 degrees.  Today isn't any better, as I once again had snow pellets on my windshield and feel like I need gloves when I go outside.  We have company arriving from beautiful British Columbia this afternoon, and I'm sure they are going to be frozen by the end of the week!

Many of the blogs I read do monthly goals at the beginning of each month.  I've never done it, but always thought it was a great idea.  So I thought I'd have my hand at it this month.  My goals are going to be, for obvious reasons, less weight loss related, but still related to health, and also actually to other life goals.

Walk, walk, walk... no more excuses:  Right now I am not doing ANY exercise - hanging my head in shame and sorry to admit that fact.  I have let the nasty weather we've had this spring (cold and wet) along with my constant nausea be an excuse for me.  And while both of those are honestly legit, I need to stop the madness.  I feel so sloth-like, so lethargic.  So, my goal for May is going for a walk 3-4 times a week .  It sounds almost like a lazy goal, but I know it is what is most realistic for me right now.  Even if I feel tired or nauseous, I think a little fresh air would be good.  I don't have to be an Olympic walker, whatever I can do is more than what I'm doing already, right?

Eat less junk - Again, am I really the role model you signed up to follow?  OK, don't answer that question, because I still want you around.  But seriously, I have been putting so much junk into my body.  This morning it was kettle corn, and over the weekend brownies.  I am not eating very healthy, and while a lot of that again has to do with nausea and food aversions I'm having, I still have some control, over what I eat.  I may not be able to stomach fruit and yogurt for breakfast, and will probably still need simple carbs, but a Sara Lee whole grain bagel with light cream cheese, is an obviously better choice than a giant store-bought muffin or scone... even I knew that Day 1 of Weight Watchers.  Or some plain air popped popcorn is better than kettle corn, or some whole grain crackers with laughing cow cheese, is better than dill pickle chips topped with beef jerky (true... just don't even ask).  While I might not be downing veggie strips with hummus or a bowl of steamed broccoli anytime soon, I know I can certainly still make much better choices.

Eat out less Same old excuses, I'm too tired or too sick to make dinner, so we end up out.  To the tune of $125+ over our normal monthly budget for this expense last month!  Not sure how to combat this, other than having really quick things on hand that I can make regardless of how I feel.  More grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, and pancakes look to be in our immediate future I guess.

Finish my new blog design Yes... the cat's out of the bag.  I have actually been working on a brand spanking new blog design since early February - yep... I'm not very speedy.  My last main thing is creating a new header for my blog.  I found a photo I'm definitely using, and just have to figure out how to integrate it into the header with the words I want.  Sounds easy... but sure as heck hasn't been.  I'm really excited about the new streamlined design, and can't wait to share it with you!

So those are MY May goals.   Now stay tuned to see how I do.
What about you?  What are YOUR goals for May?