Why I Ate Poutine

Ahh... Vacation.  The mere sound of the word makes you think of cocktails and beaches, leisurely dinners out, and ice cream cones.  At least it does for me.  When I think of vacation, I think of food.  Sad?  Yes.  True?  Yes.  I'm not sure where it comes from, but vacation is the ultimate indulgence, and that means both in terms of accommodations, activities, and FOOD!  This does not however bode well for my insistence on eventually losing a total of 105+ pounds and getting to goal!

Last year I spent a week in Montana visiting my family.  My reward was a 6 pound gain.  I was stunned.  I thought, "How could I have let this happen?"  I blamed my family for feeding my, and pouring wine for me (you know who you are), and I knew that without their "help"  I certainly wouldn't have gained that much weight.  I vowed to never let it happen again.  I was different now. 

Along comes my next vacation.  10 days in British Columbia June 30- July 10.  I had big resolutions for this vacation.  I was going to run.  I was going to bike.  I was going to make the right choices - at least 90% of the time.  It happened... sometimes.  Sometimes, it didn't.  I had the days where I walked 5+ miles... in fact that was most days except the last 2 or so.  I had the days where I made excellent food decisions (last Monday - fruit yogurt for breakfast, salmon spinach salad for lunch with low-fat raspberry vinaigrette, and a smoked salmon brie strawberry pizza on honey whole wheat crust for dinner.  I won't mention the 2 Hefeweizen beers... they don't count, right?).  And I had days with Scones and Gelatos and Fish and Chips.  So I did it both ways.  I thought, maybe I will gain a couple of pounds, no big deal, I can handle that... wrong!  I was up to 5 pounds Sunday morning and this morning on the scale.  WTF?  Sorry, but seriously, WTF?  I was better than last vacation.  My family wasn't around.  Could it be me responsible for this? 

What happens next though is what makes this time different from all of the other times (before beginning this FINAL journey to lose weight).  Sunday morning I woke up, weighed myself, said a few choices words at the scale, and then moved on to journal my day and make awesome food decisions.  I repeated the whole thing over again today and added in a circuit for 30 minutes at Curves.  Tomorrow, I run.  Its OK.  It is OK that I gained 5 pounds on my vacation.  It is A-OK.  This is life.  This is not a diet.  Life where I chose to eat poutine for lunch on vacation.  Wanna see it?

It's fries with gravy and cheese curds (My Weight Watchers leader is cringing at this I just know it).  But here's my point I guess.  The last time I ate poutine was I think about 6-7 years ago.  That makes it special, and indulgent, and so I indulged.  That's OK.  Eating poutine is OK.  How many diets tell you that?  Why?  because I do it every 6-7 years.  I keep repeating its OK, because I'm trying to believe this, to change my thinking.  To change my thinking for diet to forever - making this my life.

Some days I want this phase to be over so bad.  I want to be at my goal weight, and be happy, and feel skinny, and eat poutine without a care, and not look in the mirror and see fat.  I want to not care so much about every bite I eat, or for once not feel a pang of remorse if I miss a workout.  I want to seriously walk into Starbucks and take 1 bite out of every pastry in the case.  I want to not track.  I want to sit down with a jar of peanuts in front of the TV and eat them.  Then I slap myself awake and realize that it will NEVER BE THAT WAY.  I am in this for ... well... forever!  I have to be.  The ability to gain 5 pounds in 1 week in uncanny.  I could probably gain back this weight in 2-3 months tops if I chose to.  All 100 pounds.  Sad, but true.  Will I?  No.  I will fight until I am at goal, and then I will fight every single day to stay there... forever and ever.  And you know what I'm OK  with that.  The same type of OK that I am with gaining 5 pounds on vacation, and eating poutine.  This is life!  This is my life.  I am Sarah and I like poutine, and I'm a Weight Watcher, and I've lost 101 pounds... minus I guess 5 now, and I'm OK with that. 

I hope you are too.