So it was weigh in day today.  I wasn't terribly excited about that, since it seems like I just weighed in - and really I did as it was just last Saturday.  So... its been less than a week, and also the week after a BIG loss.  I didn't expect much, and I was right.  Down .2 for a total of 102.6 pounds lost!  Little pieces of pounds count too though, right?  Everything adds up.  Little pieces keep adding up and before you know it you are down 100+ pounds... that's how it happened for me, so I try to not be disappointed about those little pieces of pounds.  I'm 3.8 pounds away from goal now.

You might also notice a couple more things.  I figured out how to turn my blog into 3 columns - very cool... at least I think so, but I'm a bit of a computer geek deep down.  Also I won an award... I was apparently was named one of the 2010 Top 45 Fitness Blogs by Awarding the Web.  I'm shocked!  I didn't know anyone read this blog :-)  OK, I know there are people that do, but you know what I mean.  So... I added my "badge of honor" to my sidebar.  I'm also working on a page with my progress, so  you can see how I lost this weight, and also a slide show of before/after pictures.  My problem there is I'm still a little camera shy and don't have many after pictures yet, but I'm working towards it.  In fact, we are getting new family pictures on Saturday... ones where I don't weigh over 200 pounds... this is a momentous occasion.  Ones where hopefully I don't shriek at the site of myself.  I'll keep you posted.

Also as an update thanks to the people who suggested ideas for my Sunrise Dilemma - I really seriously appreciate any and all comments/suggestions I get.  I think I've decided to join the gym at our community center.  It is about 7 minutes away from home and 5 from work, open 5:45 am to 9 pm, has an indoor track, outdoor running paths, machines, and classes... all for $35 a month... I honestly cannot buy a treadmill for that!  I just have to get there to get squared away with it.  I'm planning on overlapping the month of August with Curves, as I have to give 30 days notice there anyways.  That way I can make double sure that I like it.  I also would like to hire a personal trainer for some sessions... so hopefully I'll make a decision on that soon too.  I'm excited to be starting this "next chapter" of sorts for my fitness.  Hope you're ready for the ride as well! 

There's a song these days that I just can't get out of my head.  It's called "Healing Begins" By Tenth Avenue North.  I keep listening to it over and over again.

Well... go listen for yourself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4

Seriously powerful, right?  At least I think it is.  Every time I hear this I think of my weight loss journey. 
You know, when your fat... I mean really fat, not just overweight - you are hurt - you are broken inside...you feel trapped, and then you develop defense mechanisms so you don't get hurt.  You stay away from people and crowds, you don't look in the mirror - I mean REALLY look in the mirror, you don't weigh yourself.  You put up a wall to block the world.  That way you don't have to deal with the fact that your fat.  At least this is how it is for me.  Yes, I said is.  I am working on my perception.  I am working on tearing down the walls I built up around myself for so long.  That takes even longer than actually losing the physical weight.  There is so much emotional weight too, and some days getting rid of it is even harder.  Lately, though, when I hear this song I feel a wave of healing wash over me.  I feel free.

Healing Begins - Ten Avenue North
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

There is a little bit of sadness around me tonight.  No, it's nothing horrible or anything.  It's just the stark realization that my ability to run in the mornings is coming to a very abrupt end.  I haven't run in the early morning (5:30 ish) since last Tuesday.  Thursday I was out of town and I ran Sunday around 8:00 am.  And now - this week - the sun doesn't come up until 5:51 am tomorrow, and by the end of the week it will be nearly 6:00 am.  This leaves me with issues I don't have the time or the desire to deal with right now.  See... I work at 7:00 am.  My run takes about 35 minutes.  I have to pretty much leave by 5:30 in order to get back in time to shower and make it to work by 7:00. 

Sure, I could run in the evenings, but here's the thing... I can't.  As I found out during a couple of previous disaster runs, and was again terribly reminded of on Sunday morning - my body has no heat tolerance.  Even at 8:00 at 70 some degrees it was too hot for me on Sunday and caused a spell with dizziness and nausea I'd rather not think about, let alone discuss.  Oh yeah, and if you haven't heard enough excuses, I don't belong to a gym, so the dreadmill is not an option.  I belong to Curves right now, and it's just circuit training.

Sigh.  I swear I am not trying to sound all whiny, but yet as I reread those last 2 paragraphs that's exactly how I sound.  I'm just trying to process the demise of summer and figure this thing out, without it sending me in a tailspin.  It is not an option to quit, and while wearing a hat with a light on the head is an interesting idea, I'm thinking maybe not the safest.

I will figure this out... I will.  But no reason for me to figure it out alone.  So tell me, what would you do?
Should I quit Curves and join a gym?  I'm looking for some advice here, because it is not an option to quit what I've now started - even though some days... I really really want to.

I will distinctly remember a certain moment during my 5k last month that will stick in my mind forever - Seeing the finish line after going up the last hill.  It was in my sight, and I felt I could finally do it.  All of the weeks of training were worth it.  Everything led up to this moment.  I felt a sudden rush of energy, and a strong desire to push to the end.  There was no doubt now I was going to cross it.

This morning I felt the same thing again, only I wasn't running a race, I was attending a 6:45 am Weight Watchers meeting on a Saturday morning (I added the 6:45 am part on purpose so you would be ultra impressed), and I weighed in a mere 4 pounds away from my goal.  I lost 4.6 pounds this last week (and a couple of a days).

WOW!  I can see the finish line, and I'm excited and motivated to make it there!  I got the same chills.  But this time the race isn't just a 5k, it is the last nearly 2 years of my life. 
It is now a 102+ pound journey. 
It is a long road traveled and many many tears shed. 
It is good days and bad days. 
Its victories and successes, and sometimes feeling beat down. 
Its from size 24 to 10, and a complete overturning of a fat world, into a living in a normal person's world.
Its seeing a picture of myself from the back and not knowing its me.
Its miles run, and minutes logged of exercise.

And now... I see the finish line, and and I feel my heart race, and I know I'll cross it.  I'm going to get what I want this time!  I'm going to win.  I'm not in first place, and it doesn't matter one bit!  I'm about ready to turn a mere dream into absolute reality.

You know what?  That feels DAMN good!  I'm trying to think how to describe it.  It gives me chills, it chokes me up, and it makes me feel completely overwhelmed.  I am strong.  I am powerful.  I am changed.  I can't believe myself.

What's your finish line and what are you doing to get there?

Yes... there has been an extended absence once again with my posting.  I had a short notice business trip to Saint Louis that upended the second half of my week.  I am exhausted tonight after getting up on Wednesday at 4:00 am for a 6:30 am flight, flying to STL, meetings all day, and then a tossing and turning night of sleep in a humid hotel room, before repeating the entire thing except in reverse order.  You know, traveling is tiring, and the whole week I was a big ball of STRESS!   Things are calming down now, but I learned a few things this week - most importantly: 
I AM NOT ASSERTIVE
OK, so anyone that knows me in real life... please stop laughing now.  Because anyone that really knows me, knows that I am assertive.  I assert the hell out of everything.  It is what I am good at and sadly also something that is my downfall too, as not everyone loves an assertive woman.  So then why would I write in all caps that I am not assertive?  I guess I should have written:
I AM NOT ASSERTIVE WITH FOOD. 
There... that is actually more accurate.  How is this?  Simply this - I don't ask for what I really want need in a restaurant.  I just go with the flow, and end up with something dripping butter/grease/too big/fried etc.

Case in point #1: 
When:  Tuesday high noon
Location:  Big Bowl Express in Byerlys, Eagan, MN
At Issue:  I am craving Chinese, but prepared to make a decent (= not fried) choice.  I choose Szechwan chicken, as I swear the Szechwan chicken that I have eaten there in previous times has NOT been fried.  Because they are making up the batch of it when I order, I can't actually see for myself what it looks like.  It comes out, and I watch in horror as she plates up a pile of succulent Szechwan-sauce coated fried chicken pieces.  UGH!  I take my plate and turn around and whimper, "well... there goes my week."
Solution:  What could I have done?  Well, for one I could have ASKED before I ordered, "Is that item fried?"  Easy huh?  Or I could have even asked her if I could have something different once I noticed it was fried.  What did I do?  I ate 1/2 the serving, and gave the rest to my appreciative husband for lunch the next day.  I guess you could say I made a little save.

Case in point #2:
When:  Thursday 5:30 pm
Location:  Nondescript Steak house in suburb of St. Louis, MO
At Issue:  My coworkers and I needed some dinner before our flight.  We go to a normal steakhouse type restaurant.  Everything on the menu is steak (which is fine grilled, but exactly what I had the previous night) or drowned in sauces, etc.  I labor over the menu.  There is nothing for me to choose.  I choose the Mushroom/Sherry chicken.  I get it, and I'm sure the sauce is probably full of butter, as I'm eating it.
Solution:  They grill steaks, they probably could have grilled my chicken breast and left off the sauce.  I didn't ask for what I really wanted, and let the menu limit my choices. 
What did I do?  I scraped as much sauce off as possible, and ate the chicken and a baked potato with about 1 tsp of butter.

It is so hard to eat in restaurants.  They just do not cater to us people that are trying to put the healthiest food possible in to our bodies.  The calorie counts of the average meal out frightens me beyond belief.  Even though I am not assertive, restaurants should always have at least 1 healthy choice.  Some of us would love to have an easier decision.  I have to say that out my meals for 2 days... for 2 dinners and 1 breakfast the restaurants had no items that I would consider a healthy choice. 

Lesson learned... if you don't see what you want - ASK.  You are paying the bill and the tip.

By the way, I missed my meeting yesterday, because of being out of town.  I wanted to hit a meeting today at lunch, but couldn't make it because of meetings.  It was a week I REALLY needed it too.  REALLY!  There is one tomorrow morning and I'm going to try and hit that one, because I still really need the support this week. 
Have a nice weekend!

We left on June 30th to spend the next 10 days in Vancouver British Columbia.  We landed late the night of the 30th, which was actually the morning of the 1st if we had still been in Central Time.  We stayed at the Fairmont YVR airport, which is literally IN the airport... mere steps from exiting through customs.  BEST.THING.WE.EVER.DID.  Seriously.  With a 2 year old at midnight... there is nothing worse than having to rent a car, install a car seat, and try to find your way to a hotel in the dark.  The Fairmont YVR is also a 2 year old boy's dream come true - you can see not only airplanes taking off every 2 minutes from your window, but also the SkyTrain.  They gave my little boy a coupon for milk and cookies room service.  Now that is catering!  After sleeping, we found ourselves in Canada on July 1st.  July 1st is Canada day which is like the USA's Independence Day Holiday.  We hit the celebration on Granville Island for a couple of hours, and then checked out our hotel in downtown Vancouver, the brand new Fairmont Pacific Rim.  Here is the view we had from our room on Canada Day:




We spent the next 3 days exploring downtown Vancouver.  We made it to the Vancouver Aquarium and did some exploring of Stanley Park.  We took the Seabus over to North Vancouver, and we did a little shopping.  You can't beat the view from your window being this as you wake up in the morning.  Why do I live in the midwest again?

Its not pretty, but its over.  I'm up 3.8 pounds from the last 2 weeks.  Now I'm not at 100 pounds lost anymore.  I did it to myself, and now I must undo it.  It actually feels like a relief to have the weigh in over with, and have my slate back to 0 on my weekly and activity points.  I hate these temporary setbacks.  I hate seeing them on my chart, and I HATE having to relose weight I've already lost.  But I'm back in the swing of things, and even was able to have a great 30 minute run this morning in the COOL of the day.

I have a few bumps coming up this week too.  I have a business trip for Wednesday and Thursday, so I'll be out of town.  The last business trip did not derail me though, and I will have a gym at the hotel so that will be nice.  I will miss my Weight Watchers meeting though, and that saddens me (do any other people actually say things like that), because I just got back and now I'm gone again.  I'll likely try and hit a Friday or Saturday meeting so that I don't feel I can "cheat" choose to eat off plan, but I'd rather see CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader) instead of some of the other WWers leaders.

I often wonder why we are are own worst critics.  I mean we would never say to another person the crap that we fill our own heads with.  You know what is even stranger?  Before I started this journey, I had good self esteem.  I mean I may have been 100+ pounds overweight, but I really did like myself.  That made it easy to be fat.  It made it easy to ignore that I was getting fatter and fatter.  But now down 100 pounds I wonder what happened to that self-esteem.  I have really been struggling lately with my body image.  I try so hard to see the changes in myself, but sometimes and especially lately all I see is fat.  HUGE legs, flabby arms, 2 stomachs.. yep even still I have 2 of them.  This is not how I envisioned myself at this weight.  I just can't get over it.  I'm really not sure how to stop judging my appearance, and just love myself for what I have accomplished.  I so so so want thin legs.  Is that wrong?  vain?  They are not even close.  I'm not sure they ever will be.

And... the negative self talk goes beyond my own appearance as well.  It goes to my critique of myself on running or any exercise.  You see last night was pretty much a disaster.  I didn't run in the morning because it is just getting too dark again (depressing but true.  We've actually lost 14 minutes of daylight in the morning in the past 2 weeks), so I decided I'd run around 7 pm.  This is my first run in almost 2 weeks.  I started out walking, and around minute 4 broke into a easy run.  I made it 10 minutes and needed a 1 minute walk, that's OK I thought.  Then I only made it another 5 minutes, and needed to walk, and I never started running again.  I got a horrible stomachache, and walked home almost doubled over, feeling like every person driving down the street was judging my legs in my short running skirt.  It was a number of things I'm sure, but #1 the heat and humidity is horrible here right now, and apparently I am ultra sensitive to it.  Also my stomach was feeling kind of icky all day, and I ate about 1/2 hour before I ran.  I think all combined turned into the failed run.  I got back to my house, and was pretty distraught about the whole thing.  I thought, "Great... now I can't do this and won't ever be able to again!"  As you can see I'm really good at making things into a catastrophe.  I started mentally beating myself up over it all, and then realized... its not worth it.  Will it change anything?  Nope.  I have come so far, and this doesn't mean I'm a failure.  It's OK.  Shake it off.  Try again on Thursday, and most importantly FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Forgive yourself for not running longer than 15 minutes.  in April you could run 0 minutes.  Think of that.
Forgive yourself for not seeing the changes in your body.  20 months ago you wore a size 24, your a 10 now, something must have changed.
Forgive yourself for hating your arms and legs.  Did you really think you could abuse your body by being morbidly obese for so many years, and have everything shrink back up perfectly.  Its OK.  Give it some more time.  That is not what you are doing this for, right?  Right.
Forgive yourself for the less than perfect vacation.  You probably ate better than your vacation 2 years ago.
Forgive yourself for drinking the second glass of wine.  Work was rough today and at least you didn't eat through it.
Forgive yourself for eating the handful of honey roasted peanuts and M&Ms and not journaling it.  You know you won't do it again tomorrow.
Forgive yourself... its time to move on and lose these last 10 pounds.
Forgive yourself, because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and dog gone it people like you!

Weigh in tomorrow... forgive yourself for that too.  NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY!

Ahh... Vacation.  The mere sound of the word makes you think of cocktails and beaches, leisurely dinners out, and ice cream cones.  At least it does for me.  When I think of vacation, I think of food.  Sad?  Yes.  True?  Yes.  I'm not sure where it comes from, but vacation is the ultimate indulgence, and that means both in terms of accommodations, activities, and FOOD!  This does not however bode well for my insistence on eventually losing a total of 105+ pounds and getting to goal!

Last year I spent a week in Montana visiting my family.  My reward was a 6 pound gain.  I was stunned.  I thought, "How could I have let this happen?"  I blamed my family for feeding my, and pouring wine for me (you know who you are), and I knew that without their "help"  I certainly wouldn't have gained that much weight.  I vowed to never let it happen again.  I was different now. 

Along comes my next vacation.  10 days in British Columbia June 30- July 10.  I had big resolutions for this vacation.  I was going to run.  I was going to bike.  I was going to make the right choices - at least 90% of the time.  It happened... sometimes.  Sometimes, it didn't.  I had the days where I walked 5+ miles... in fact that was most days except the last 2 or so.  I had the days where I made excellent food decisions (last Monday - fruit yogurt for breakfast, salmon spinach salad for lunch with low-fat raspberry vinaigrette, and a smoked salmon brie strawberry pizza on honey whole wheat crust for dinner.  I won't mention the 2 Hefeweizen beers... they don't count, right?).  And I had days with Scones and Gelatos and Fish and Chips.  So I did it both ways.  I thought, maybe I will gain a couple of pounds, no big deal, I can handle that... wrong!  I was up to 5 pounds Sunday morning and this morning on the scale.  WTF?  Sorry, but seriously, WTF?  I was better than last vacation.  My family wasn't around.  Could it be me responsible for this? 

Just a quick note to let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth.  I actually returned yesterday - back to reality - from a 10 day vacation in beautiful British Columbia, Canada.  I didn't really advertise the fact I was going, since I'd heard/read that wasn't a really good idea.  Anyways... I'm back, with some extra pounds to get rid of, as I was not very "good" on vacation.  Some things did not go exactly according to my plan, but that's OK.  I'm back on my Weight Watchers plan and journaling already today, and that is what I think is important.  Vacations will happen, off plan days will happen, but you can't let it turn into weeks, months, and years... that is where I've learned this time around to draw the line.  I'm not happy with my gain, but I'm moving on with what I know works:  working out/running and eating well.  I'll write more about my trip, and things I've learned hopefully soon, but right now there is lots (of laundry) to catch up on!